The Ones Left Behind
by sudowoodo
Summary: Sirius wasn't looking for a new best friend, but James was now spending all his time with his new girlfriend. Sirius was the one left behind, and I was the one he found. And neither of us expected what we found in each other. JamesXLily SiriusXOC
1. Behind the Greenhouses

**The Ones Left Behind**

_I don't think Sirius really understood why his best mate was so hung up over something as insignificant as a teenage girl. But, partly by my own fault, James was now spending all his time with his new girlfriend. _

_And it's not like I'm Evans's best friend, or some fifth Marauder. I'm a Hufflepuff! So how on Earth did I get to be the one left behind with him? _

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter One -<strong>

**Behind the Greenhouses**

I highly doubted that I'd find either of the boys in the library. They were far too cool for that. Well, they probably thought they were anyway. But I knew two others that might be around, and that was just as good.

As I approached their table I kept my gaze resolutely fixed onto the bookcase behind their heads. Remus Lupin was sitting back in his chair, reading a book, his eyes stopping wearily every few moments as if he was too tired to continue. Peter Pettigrew was beside him, distractedly flicking a quill in his fingers and chewing the nails of his other hand. They both glanced up as I crossed the room towards them.

I looked down awkwardly, pulling a face. My footsteps seemed so unbearably loud. Stupid silent library atmosphere … There shouldn't be so much tension involved in walking across a room. Lupin went back to his reading but the smaller boy continued to watch me aptly, scuffing the floor with his feet. He glanced furtively at his friend and back to me a few times. I didn't look at him. Bloody hell, would he ever stop staring? Was it too late to turn around now?

The walk across the room seemed to take a very long time.

Just as I reached them, Lupin caught one of Pettigrew's glances and frowned questioningly at him. They both looked up at me when I halted in front of them.

I didn't know either of them very well, except for some light conversation with Lupin in Arithmancy. He sat in front of me.

So I addressed him. "Any chance you'd know where I could find James Potter and Sirius Black?" I asked. I waved up the two notes in my hand, hoping that that would be a sufficient explanation.

He paused for a moment and then opened his mouth to reply, but Pettigrew cut across him excitedly. "Behind the greenhouses. That's what they told us!"

He moved around too much. It made me edgy. I rubbed my neck and glanced uneasily back to Lupin for confirmation.

He stared at his friend, then rolled his eyes and nodded.

I smiled a thanks and then got out of there as quickly as I could. I just saw Lupin shaking his head irritably and returning to his book, as Pettigrew's face fell and he whimpered, "… What did I do?"

What on Earth could they be doing back there?

I could have left it. I could have given them the notes the next time I ran into them. Knowing those two miscreants it was probably just detentions. Hardly anything urgent, right? … But when would I ever see them? And they're always surrounded with their mates. Big groups aren't exactly my forte …

OK, be honest with yourself, if you leave it until later what is the actual probability that you'll just completely forget about it?

… All right, fine!

It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

(Well, there was always the whole studying for NEWTs and stuff, but I was taking a break, OK? I had studied this morning! It was a Saturday! That was an achievement and a half in itself.)

But if I ended up walking in on Potter and Black … doing anything like ... behind the greenhouses … Oh, I am going to kill Peter Pettigrew.

Though I'd always had a suspicion about those two …

I chuckled a little. Then I realised that I had just laughed. Out loud. To myself. It's like I wanted people to think I was completely mental …

The greenhouses were pretty out of the way and it took a while to find the pair of boys. I walked along outside them, trudging through the overgrown gardens that covered the grounds between them and the Forbidden Forest. It was completely secluded. I vaguely realised that it was a perfect place to hang out. Cool and shady and hidden from the rest of the grounds …

I glanced around nervously. Was this place out of bounds? I could just imagine Professor Sprout spying me through the glass walls of the greenhouses. Oh Christ. She was already impatient with me today when she found me loitering out in the front courtyard.

So, I was given a message.

(I was only sitting on the balustrade of the viaduct, minding my own business. In what universe is that considered loitering? And what's so weird about trying to get the gargoyles to talk to me anyway?)

The further I walked the wilder it got and the more I felt like I shouldn't have been there. Even when – or if – I found them at that stage, how awkward was that going to be? At which point did I decide that this was a good idea? Bloody hell, I didn't even know either of them.

Why oh why did I not simply give the notes to their mates to pass on? That would have made life so much simpler …

What the hell could they be doing back here anyway? I cursed Pettigrew under my breath.

I was just thinking, not for the first time, of turning back, when I spotted the two figures casually standing around, somewhere between greenhouses three and four.

They noticed me as soon as we were in view of each other. Potter, seemingly alarmed, turned his back to me and bent over something suspiciously. As I was closer now I noticed a bunch of large flowerpots behind him, amidst the overgrown grass.

Black surveyed me all the while as I approached them, looking completely unperturbed. I couldn't exactly ignore them. I was so clearly not just on a random stroll around the grounds. I didn't like that feeling. Of being watched. I gave Black a slight, awkward smile, just to be polite about it or something. He didn't return the smile. He just glared at me in a bored sort of way. (Too cool for school, I'm telling you.) I raised my eyebrows slightly to myself, and sheepishly offered my smile to the ground instead. On turning around, Potter stretched out his arms and yawned widely.

I was kind of curious … But I wasn't going to ask. I was already disrupting whatever it was that they were doing. I really felt like a right twat for coming all the way out here.

"All right, Comstock?" called Potter in a friendly sort of way, casually running a hand through his messy black hair. It was a bit of a masterpiece, to be honest. There were parts that just stuck up randomly in odd directions. Combing his hands through it constantly didn't exactly help either. He grinned widely at me. "Fancy seeing you here!"

I just grinned awkwardly back as I reached where they were standing. "Notes from Professor Sprout," was all I replied, automatically copying him by pushing my hair from my face.

"That's a long way you came out, just to deliver notes," Potter teased. Black rolled his eyes.

I laughed a little and shrugged lazily. "Yeah … Pettigrew told me yous were out here. And I was bored."

I had been trying not to look at Black. He was kind of intimidating, and looking at him made me unnecessarily nervous. Not to mention that Sirius Black was … kind of extremely good-looking. But that's not important. Now he seemed to feel the need to join the conversation.

He simply scowled. Without so much as glancing at me, he asked Potter grudgingly, "How thick is that kid?"

I blinked. Oh no, what was I barging in on? "Sorry if I'm, er … interrupting something," I said quickly, hoping to mask the burst of laughter that threatened to escape me as an apologetic smile. I shuddered a little from the effort.

"Not at all," grinned Potter, stepping to the side as if to hide the flowerpot a little more from my view. He held out his hand for the notes.

As I made to pass him the rolls of parchment, I glanced down and caught a glimpse of something glassy and orangey-red as it caught the sunlight.

All my sense of manners and decency and awareness of their privacy immediately evaporated as I halted and pointed into the flowerpot, practically shouting, "IS THAT FIREWHISKEY?"

As if they had planned it, Potter jumped back and Black took his place in front of me, staring me down and edging forwards so as to force me to step back.

"I wish," he said dejectedly. He smirked at me, locking my gaze and holding it.

I gulped, relenting to back away sheepishly. His eyes were strikingly dark and grey. My mouth was suddenly very dry and I couldn't think of anything sensible to say, let alone trust myself to speak coherently. Why did he have to be so intimidating?

But I was being nosy. Good Lord, what was I thinking, invading their personal space like that? I really shouldn't do that. Should really stop now. Right now.

"Right," I nodded. I took another step back, my heart slightly quicker than usual from Black's startling glare. I let out a quick nervous laugh. "Trick of the light. Sorry. My mistake. Here's your notes, then."

He let me thrust them into his hand, but he knit his brow and raised his head to study me in what looked like confusion.

Or maybe it was more like suspicion. He eyed me up and down warily, making me feel quite indecent, and I blew out my cheeks and looked around just so that I wouldn't have to look anywhere near him or his perfectly sculptured face …

Slightly dazed, it took me a moment too long to realise that now would be a good time to escape. But as I opened my mouth to bid them goodbye, Potter appeared at Black's side once more.

"You're not gonna tell on us, are you?"

I couldn't stop myself. I smiled a little to eagerly. "Does that mean you do have firewhiskey? Is this a stash or something?" Laughing, I added, "Any chance you'd wanna share a bit?"

Black snorted, and turned to Potter. "She's pretty quick for a Hufflepuff."

I let the smile slide off my face. "Aw, Black. I'm offended. Wounded, even." I grinned. "Though I'll likely forgive you if you'd share a bit of that …"

Er ... What did I think I was doing? I wasn't like this. All I knew was that I had a strong craving for alcohol which I hadn't felt in quite some time. That sort of cancelled out everything else.

"You want some of that?" he scoffed. "Have you ever tried it before?"

"No," I admitted quickly, looking between the two of them, "but if it's anything as strong as vodka I'm sure I could handle it."

"Vodka!" laughed Black scornfully, looking down on me with a very haughty look. "What are you-"

"-Muggle-born?" I offered innocently, feeling a goading smile creep across my face.

Potter looked positively alarmed. He froze, staring at his friend for a moment before he laughed very loudly. "Sorry about him, Comstock! Pure-blood through and through, doesn't know any different! He didn't mean anything by it, honest." He slapped his friend hard on the back.

Black staggered a little, and then glared at Potter.

… Was it just me or did the slightest tinge of pink blush his cheeks? But Sirius Black, cool-person of the school, blushing? Feeling emotion of any sort?

Nah, it was definitely just me. Trick of the light.

"That's all right, Black," I said, rather more cheerfully than I was feeling. He shot me a quick glare and my smile faltered.

Note to self: Sirius Black can't take a joke.

Crap, he didn't actually have a thing against Muggle-borns, did he? That would be awkward. I wouldn't have expected it from him. I had been totally kidding before!

No, he was probably just the sort that can dish out the slagging but can't take it himself. Yeah, that's totally it. Yeah.

What was I doing here, again? I was definitely overstaying my welcome by now. Oh no, I wasn't even welcome in the first place! It was officially time to pull a legger …

Black had turned around and was grudgingly kicking the flowerpot further into the long grass. I shook myself, choosing to forget about it. I was about to excuse myself when Potter pulled his wand from his back pocket and turned his eyes to me with a slightly dramatic sigh.

"You won't be telling anyone, then. Will you?"

"Why would I bother?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just 'cause if you felt you had to report us, or even tell a few friends … Well, I've been getting pretty good at those ol' memory charms!" He laughed loudly and turned to Black, nudging him amiably with his elbow.

Black just seemed to ignore him.

Did this mean I wasn't getting any firewhiskey?

"Oh, come on. I'm not gonna tell," I said, rolling my eyes. I decided to leave out the notable point that I had nobody to tell, even if I wanted to. The next words flowed naturally out of my mouth before I could even stop to think twice about them. "Who d'you think I am, Lily Evans?"

Potter halted, his mouth hanging open slightly, as Black spun around and glanced warily at his friend. Then he turned to me with his eyebrows raised up into his thick dark hair.

For a second it looked like one of them was about to start shouting at me. But then Black's face contorted into a mad grin and he exploded into barking laughter, doubled over and clutching his stomach.

I couldn't stop a wry smile spread across my face. "Oh, sorry, I – er – forgot you … had a bit of a thing for Evans, Potter … So how's that working out for you?"

I laughed at Black more than anything else. Potter scowled at me and then even more venomously at his friend, who was all but rolling on the ground.

"All I meant was that I'm not going to tell," I assured him.

"That's nice," said Black, as he suddenly became calm again. He smirked. "Off you go."

I wrinkled my nose at him but ended up grinning. I bit my tongue and resigned to leave them.

I had walked quite a distance when I heard the voice call out.

"Oi, Comstock!"

I stopped cautiously and turned. Black had the amber bottle in his hand and shook the liquid inside of it.

"Want some or not?"

Potter had been staring at him doubtfully. Black was still smirking as he turned to his friend and brought his hand up to his mouth and whispered something to Potter behind it.

For a moment I didn't move. I stared at the bottle and then at the two boys as they nodded mischievously to each other. Potter had apparently taken a day off being Head Boy and it didn't surprise me in the least, even if he had only held the position for about two weeks. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and ruffled his black hair confidently. Black just stood, grinning at me with his hands in his pockets and a sort of superior complex etched into his traditionally handsome face.

I could hardly recall five times that I had spoken to either of them before today.

Maybe that was an exaggeration.

Or not … Actually, let's see:

1. In Potions last year, Potter had purposely knocked my books to the floor and then wholeheartedly apologised, claiming that he had thought they belonged to 'Snivellus'. (Snivellus. What a genius nickname. Wonder how long it took for them to come up with that one …)

2. Again in Potions, Potter had tried to slag Severus Snape by telling me to watch out for any sudden movements in case he dripped grease into my cauldron.

(I don't know if that counts, since it was really directed at the Slytherin.)

3. Errr … Once in fifth year Potter asked me if I was going to the match! And I said, 'What match?' and he said 'The Quidditch match' and I said 'Er, no' and he said 'But Hufflepuff are playing' and I said 'Oh.' And that was it.

4. … OH MY GOD, I really didn't think this would be so hard!

Black had … said sorry to me once in the Great Hall in first year or something when he had come over for mashed potato?

No, wait, that was Potter again.

5. …

…

Can't do it!

How did they even know my name? I mean, of course I knew them. They were the most legendary blokes in our year. The whole school, even. They had their own little group that was so rowdy and trouble-making that it was fairly impossible not to know them. But why would I ever actually talk to them? They were Gryffindors for starters. I'd had my own group of Hufflepuffs and if they had ever felt like having a bit of inter-house fraternisation, it wasn't done with me.

I'd had Herbology with them for OWLs … And now the only subject I shared with them was Potions. In fairness, I sat beside Severus Snape, so that probably counted for something. Recognition, at least.

But recognition is hardly a good enough excuse for sharing their firewhiskey with me.

Sorry, my suspicions were getting the better of me. If I knew anything at all about Potter and Black it was that they loved a laugh, and didn't give a flying fwooper how they had to get it. I remembered Aubrey telling me that they had once hexed him out of random in the corridor, but he didn't give the details. They were reportedly doing stuff like that all the time.

The first thing that came into my head was that they had done something to the drink. Poison. Veritaserum. Confusing Concoction (that might be a funny one). Laxative Potion ... No, OK, they weren't that bad … Were they? The second thing was that they simply wanted to have me drink it to take the mickey out of me when I spluttered at the sharp taste of the alcohol, or when I got tipsy embarrassingly quickly. (Which, I couldn't deny, would most definitely happen. How long had it been, anyway?)

For a moment I was totally and utterly convinced that I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

But I found myself wandering back to them anyway. "I think you might be doing this just to take the piss," I decided, "but I'd still rather take the drink, if it's going."

"Pretty quick for a Hufflepuff," Black repeated, and Potter snorted.

Black made to hand me the bottle, but I couldn't help but pause, still a little uneasy.

"You first," I said slowly.

"You don't trust us?" exclaimed Potter, apparently outraged at my lack of confidence in them.

But Black only shrugged lazily and brought the bottle to his lips to take a large swig.

Handing the bottle to his friend, he suddenly caught my gaze. His mouth twitched into an arrogant half-smirk and he raised his eyebrows in disdainful amusement.

I felt my eyes widen uncomfortably. Before, when I said that Black being sort of extremely good-looking wasn't important … Well, OK, that was a total lie. It mattered very much. He was beautiful. Other-worldly, almost. I couldn't handle it. I glanced at Potter just in time to see him give the slightest wince as he lowered the bottle from his mouth.

He handed it to me, grinning widely as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

I felt the bottle in my hand, my face a little hot from Black's startling smirk. Doing a very hasty mental preparation for the expected harsh taste of the straight alcohol, I raised my eyebrows casually at the two boys as I brought the bottle to my lips and took a large – pretty courageous, in my opinion – mouthful of the drink.

The initial shock of it seemed to burn my mouth and sear down my throat, but it was only a short moment before a pleasant warming sensation spread through my whole body.

Smiling only slightly, I handed back the bottle.

AND I DIDN'T EVEN FLINCH!

Oh God, how I had missed alcohol.

I closed my eyes to savour the feeling, and when I opened them again Potter and Black were both staring at me a little sceptically.

"It's good," I said, slightly more longing evident in my voice than I really liked.

Quite a long silence followed. Potter and I sort of shifted uncomfortably where we stood, looking around us. Black just looked highly bored.

Finally, I said, "I'll just head off then. Thanks for that."

Black didn't even acknowledge that I had spoken, but Potter looked at me in confusion. "What? We've only just started!"

I opened my mouth to speak but found myself unable to think of anything. I closed it again and licked my lips, staring at them warily. "… What?" I asked, dumbstruck. "I'm supposed to stay?"

He just stared back at me incredulously. "Of course! We said we'd share with you, didn't we?"

Did they? I couldn't remember.

"You're seriously giving me more than a mouthful?" I asked, looking at both of them. Was there something I was missing here? They must be mental. I mean, if it was my drink they wouldn't be getting any, no matter how hilarious the outcome might be. I may be a Hufflepuff, but when it comes to sharing alcohol the rules are pretty different.

"Of course!" laughed Potter.

"Do I have to pay for it?" I asked suspiciously.

Black let out a short laugh and met my eyes with a glint of amusement.

"Of course not!" shouted Potter.

I looked at him, a little shocked. "Oh … Well, thanks."

I guess.

His reply was a grin and a wink.

I made an odd sort of laugh-type noise. I stared between the two of them, Black idly scratching the side of his face and Potter simply looking awkward and messing with his hair.

I let out a short breath. "Then could we all stop trying to act cool and just down the rest of it and get completely pissed? 'Cause I dunno about you guys, but that's all I wanna do right now."

Black glanced at me and seemed to scrutinise me for a moment. Slowly, a wry grin found its way to his lips. I let myself smile widely back.

Potter held the bottle up dramatically and proclaimed, "I concur!" Then he lifted it to his mouth and began to drink speedily.

Black and I laughed and, with a quick glance at me, he jumped forward and whacked Potter hard over the head. Potter spluttered and choked as the liquid spilled down his front. Black jerked the bottle from his grip and began knocking it back.

He didn't seem as if he was about to stop any time soon. Since Potter was bent over, hacking his lungs up, I didn't know how to stop Black from finishing the lot. So I panicked and yelled out, "Oh my God, Potter, put your shirt back on!" Black immediately lowered the bottle and looked around at me like I was mad. I snatched the bottle away from him with a smirk, and darted away a bit so as to down as much as I possibly could before they tried to get it off me.

The cycle repeated itself only once more; me handing the bottle to Potter (when he, seemingly alarmed, decided to take it back), Black stealing it from him and me attempting to get it from Black – but really him just giving it to me in the end - until only the ends were left when I gave it back to Potter.

He swallowed the last dribble and raised the bottle up above his mouth, tipping it expectantly, but nothing more came out. He blinked a few times at the empty bottle in his hand.

He looked around for a split second, and then hurled it hard to the ground. It smashed loudly, sending sharp shards of glass spinning in every direction.

"Oops," he said, grinning sheepishly. We all looked at each other in a slight pause, before erupting into great roars of laughter.


	2. New Friends Of Mine

**- Chapter Two -**

**New Friends Of Mine**

YES! I finally remembered! There was:

5. First Year. First Slug Club meeting. I was sitting next to – let me think … Greta Catchlove? And Potter and Black were there, sitting somewhere with a group of older Gryffindors. And they definitely would have heard my name because I have a very clear memory of Slughorn shouting to anyone who was still listening to his ravings, "And how is the lovely Holly this evening? Holly appears to be very gifted in the Potions lab, I've noticed! ... And let me see, is there any chance that you could be related to the famous artist, Magenta Comstock? They say that her portraits' eyes not only follow one around the room, but also follow one home! Oho!" And I had to, very awkwardly - (I remember those meetings being awkward, even though at the time I was young and didn't know the meaning of the word) explain that I was Muggle-born. Easier than getting into the whole 'I don't know my dad' thing, which just makes things even more awkward.

If I remember correctly, Slughorn had also raved about Potter and Black's families, how Potter was the most genial and delightful young man he had met in a long time (if not a little outspoken), and had probably commented on Black's charm and good looks (*cough*). And blah blah blah don't we all love being told how great we are at Slug Club. (Potter and Black never returned to another meeting.)

6. I guess it makes sense that they could have heard my name in any class (*cough* potions) from any teacher (*cough* Slughorn), but I've JUST REMEMBERED that in … second year (?) I was staying at Hogwarts for Christmas, as usual, and there were so few people staying behind that the teachers got rid of the four house tables and everyone sat at the one table in the middle of the Great Hall. Aaaaand I think it was one of the first holidays that Potter and Black stayed behind – they were now the best of friends, and must have realised that a nearly empty Hogwarts was the ideal place for whatever it was they got up to that earned them multiple detentions every other week ... and I was there and there were no other students from our year staying for Christmas, and so it was just natural for the teachers to make us chat together a little, and they asked us did we know each other and we said, "Oh yes, headmaster, sir, of course, we are all the best of friends," and because, at the time, I was a loud and outgoing Hufflepuff, I played along with their little gig and teased them back when they teased me.

And so, maybe it wasn't so strange that they knew my name. But they still didn't know me, and I still don't really understand why they decided to share their firewhiskey with me.

* * *

><p>"New friends of yours?" came a cold, drawling voice in my ear.<p>

Embarrassingly enough, I actually jumped and knocked lacewing flies all over my copy of Advanced Potion-Making.

My hands shaking a little, I scooped them back into the jar and attempted to control myself before turning to the voice. Severus Snape was sliding into his seat beside me, a greasy smirk on his face which was not directed at me.

I followed his gaze across the room and froze when I saw James Potter waving avidly to get my attention. As soon as he saw that I had noticed him, he beamed widely and gave a cheeky wink. I stared, completely baffled. I think my mouth was hanging open. He held up a finger to indicate for me to keep watching, and then started pulling faces, picking up a jar of what appeared to be armadillo bile and pretending to knock it back, and then mimed casting it over his head and onto the floor.

Just as he dramatically swooned and fell over his chair, Sirius Black turned to him and gave a start when he saw his friend's odd behaviour. I just saw Black raise his eyebrows and look around to where Potter was looking, which happened to be directly at me.

Black seemed to stare right through me and then turned back around with no reaction whatsoever.

I felt myself release a breath that I hadn't realised I had been holding, and then looked back at Potter when he started flapping his hands again. He mimed throwing up animatedly, and then stuck his wrists to his forehead and waggled his fingers in a bizarre impression of some kind of horned animal, at which point I forced back a laugh, shot him a fleeting grin, and returned my attention to my cauldron.

But I had completely forgotten what I was supposed to be doing.

Beside me, Snape was tutting. I could feel his eyes on me as he sniggered, and after a few moments of ignoring him I turned and raised my eyebrows at him in – what I hoped was – a complacent, what-do-you-want sort of way.

He relished in the situation for a moment, his black eyes shining, his goading smile watching Potter's dramatic display and my own expectant face.

"Pretty poor replacement for your old friends, I'd say ..."

"He's not my friend," I said quickly, turning back to my cauldron.

"He seems to think otherwise. What is he miming about anyway?"

"No idea," I replied firmly. After a minute I glanced back at him and gave a short shrug. "I think he's just a friendly guy."

Snape's eyes hovered over my carefully composed face and the smirk slowly twisted deeper into his own.

"Well … maybe it's not friendship you're looking for? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Potter's chaste treasure is under lock and key. And by the looks of his latest attempt at winning over his one true love, that key has sunk to the bottom of the Black Lake and then got eaten by the Giant Squid."

I laughed. It was written into the folklore of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that James Potter was hung up over one Lily Evans for as long as anyone could remember. You could ask Professor Binns what was the longest game of romantic cat-and-mouse at the school since it was founded, and he would say Potter and Evans. Who was the most determined Chaser – and I don't just mean on the Quidditch pitch – and the most objectionably Chased person ever to attend Hogwarts? Potter and Evans. Who was the most insanely persistent, lust-driven, lovesick guy and the most unwavering, stubborn, reprimanding girl? You guessed it, Potter and Evans (respectively). Who was going to give in first? Nobody knew. The pair would most likely spend the rest of their lives going through the same embarrassing, teenage routine; Potter asks Evans out, Evans says no. She'd rather go out with the Giant Squid. She'd rather spend an hour with a Nundu. She'd rather eat a bowl of vampire bats. She'd rather snog a Dementor. (That one was way harsh.) This shit had been going on since the Middle Ages, I'm not even joking.

Naturally, Potter was a bit of an out-of-bounds area for girls. Not that some didn't try, of course. He was charming and cheerful and chatty and all, but I've just never understood how his unhealthy and slightly creepy obsession with the girl who plays hard to get isn't just a slight turn-off for other girls. Even just slightly.

Snape was a funny guy. In a ridiculous, sarcastic kind of way.

He was still boring into me with his eyebrows raised expectantly. I had blanked out again.

"I'm not interested." I tried to get across that I meant both James Potter and this conversation. Why couldn't he just leave it? Potter waving at me meant absolutely nothing. Absolutely _nothing._

"Well, if it's not Potter you're after ..." he mused in his infuriatingly slow and droning voice, "maybe you're just using him to get to someone else …"

I knocked over my own bottle of armadillo bile this time and hurriedly began mopping it up, but I was greatly distracted by trying to turn to Snape at the same time. What the hell was he on about? I had completely forgotten the potion I was supposed to be making, my attention on his pale, gaunt face. But he wasn't looking at me again. He was smirking across the room.

"Don't look now, but Black is staring at you."

I snorted.

"Sirius Black? Would you stop," I scoffed dismissively. Now he was just being completely ridiculous.

"I'm serious," he drawled. "No pun intended. See for yourself."

I gave a short, derisive laugh and turned around to the potions supply case. I shot Snape a furtive glance, when I turned around, as he was still smirking at me.

I spent the rest of the lesson making a point of not looking up from my cauldron, and more importantly, not glancing anywhere near a certain group of Gryffindors. I could still feel Snape's eyes on me, and I knew he'd be ready to crucify me if I even tried looking up at Sirius Black.

I didn't need to, anyway. The idea that Black would be staring at me was completely absurd. Snape really could do better than that, if he was trying to wind me up. I didn't need to think twice about it.

I swear I actually tried to listen to Slughorn as he lectured us about exams. His cheery voice seemed to bounce around the dungeon, hinting heavily that this would be essential for the NEWTs and trying to cram as much information as possible into our heads as we worked. We were already back a month but the exam speeches were still going strong in every lesson.

This year was going to kill me.

I was just getting a little distracted, that was all. It was probably the fumes. I most definitely was not thinking about James Potter or Sirius Black. That was just silly. Nothing had changed, of course. Not that I had expected it to. No, not in the least. It was only one afternoon. We drank, we laughed, and it was fun. It had never meant anything, and none of us wanted it to mean anything. Potter may have waved to me in the corridor once or twice. Maybe reminded me of something hilarious that had happened that Saturday. How long ago was it, two weeks? But he would only acknowledge me when there weren't too many people around, I'm sure. And Black … Well, I had passed right by him in a deserted corridor during a free period since, and we had both ignored the other's existence.

Nothing I hadn't expected, of course.

Snape's words floated back into my head and I had to hold in a burst of laughter. Sirius Black? As if. Really, Snape was losing his touch. The idea was so laughable. Black was more likely to be staring at _him_ rather than at me! Sure, when it was a choice between a girl to check out and a greasy Slytherin to prey on – well, it wasn't even a choice. Black was just one of those guys who lived solely for his mates and was too busy mucking about and troublemaking to have time for girls. He just seemed too interested in pulling pranks to even realise that another gender of humans even existed.

You would have to be delusional to think that you might have a chance with Sirius Black.

My potion didn't turn out too hectic. I largely blamed Snape for filling my head with these useless meditations.

"Why do I even sit beside you?" I sighed at the end of class.

Snape smirked. "Because I have no friends who take Potions and you have no friends at all."

* * *

><p>Woo! Thanks to everyone who alerted andor favourited and/or reviewed! It means a lot to me! I'm really really into this story right now, it seems to just flow out of me. Although I have had it simmering for about a year now, so maybe that's why … Please let me know what you think, every review is worth a lot. Even just simple comments or constructive criticism or whatever. Or feel free to PM me, if you prefer. Readers are what make me able to write, and I feel I'm definitely taking a leap in experimenting with my own style in this story, so I'd really love to hear anything you've got to say about it! :)


	3. Holly's Helping Hand

Yeerrr, we are into serious business now. Sub-plot :)

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Three -<strong>

**Holly's Helping Hand**

I pushed open the portrait and found colourful little spots pop in front of my eyes as the light hit them, and as I stepped blindly through the door I could hear a lot of commotion scrabbling towards me.

"Holly Comstock!" squealed about ten tiny voices.

"Would Holly Comstock like anything to eat?"

"Can Biddy get Holly Comstock some tea? Or some hot cocoa?"

I greeted the voices somewhat blearily and blinked a few hundred times, vaguely wondering why the elves were all crowded around the door in the first place. I looked down at them as my eyes slowly adjusted to the sudden brightness. "Er, thanks, but milk would be fine, actually. I can get it myse-"

With a single glance upwards I stopped dead in my tracks. I was able to see clearly now, only to find that I wasn't alone in the kitchens tonight.

James Potter and Sirius Black were sitting at the nearest end of one of the long house table equivalents, staring at me in surprise.

I groaned quietly, I hadn't counted on running into anyone here. The kitchens, of all places. I didn't know how many people even knew about this secret. But when I thought about it, it seemed perfectly sensible that they, of all people, would.

My hand shot convulsively to my bed-head when I saw Potter's, which was sticking up in every direction. I knew mine must look something like that, and I, unlike him, could definitely not pull off the look. Black just looked as annoyingly flawless as ever. I was also very aware of the fact that I had tucked my pyjama bottoms into my socks for warmth and now I wondered if they had noticed, and whether I could fix them without drawing attention to it.

Next time I feel like strolling around the castle at night, I'll remember to look in a mirror first.

Would they ever stop staring?

"Hullo," I blurted out eventually, after a long silence.

"Hullo," they said in unison, blinking at me.

Was it too late to turn around and run?

I averted my eyes away from the two boys, feeling the colour creeping up my face. I looked down at the house-elves surrounding my knees, but they all suddenly decided to scarper, leaving me standing awkwardly by myself.

"What are you doing here?" came Potter's incredulous voice.

I looked up. "I was, er … just a bit peckish."

They both laughed for some reason, and I smiled rather weakly.

"But, how did you get in?"

"You know … I tickled the pear?"

I grinned a little now, and Potter laughed again.

"And how exactly do you know about this place?"

I swallowed, thinking for a bit. "Em, I can't even remember … I've been friends with the elves for a few years now; like, from falling asleep in the Common Room and waking up to find them cleaning, you know? And they're very nice, always wanting to bring me snacks and stuff. And eventually they told me that I should come here whenever I'm feeling hungry … Yeah." Not to mention that I had been coming here for over a year and never ran into any other students. Just my luck that it had to be them.

"You made friends with the house-elves?" asked Black in disbelief. His eyes were penetrating, and made me very uncomfortable.

"Er, yeah."

He turned to Potter with a short laugh. "We should introduce her to Kreacher."

They both started laughing. I felt it was a private joke so I didn't ask.

When they stopped it was silent again, so I asked, "How did you two find this place, then?"

"Oh, we just go around stroking all of the castle's fine artwork," replied Black sarcastically.

The three of us laughed together, and then I scratched my head a little awkwardly. I didn't like standing here, I just wanted to get my drink and get out. I mean, I liked these guys and all – well, they were OK, I guess – but it was like two in the morning and I was pretty much half-asleep. And I didn't even want to think what state my hair was in.

Potter, like me, seemed to have simply thrown a jumper over his pyjamas before coming down here, whereas Black, always having to upstage everyone, was looking very comely with a respectable blazer over his.

I vaguely wondered if Black was aware that he just happened to look exceptionally good all of the time, or if it was due to any effort on his part whatsoever.

I noticed that in front of the two boys, a large pudding and a jug were laid out neatly along with two glasses half full of milk. It just had to be milk, didn't it? Now how could I excuse myself to go get my own glass, when they had a jug right there?

"Well, pull up a bench!" offered Potter enthusiastically, waving to the empty seat across from them.

I hovered for a second. How could I decline without seeming rude? I was too tired to be conversational, so I might as well not stick around. After a moment of great internal struggle, I resigned to trod over and sit down.

Almost as soon as I had taken a seat, a house-elf rushed back and placed a glass and a spoon in front of me. "Would Miss like anything to eat?"

"Nah, she can share with us! Can't you, Comstock?" said Potter.

Black gave his friend a look to suggest that he wasn't in the least bit pleased with that presumption, and stabbed at the pudding with his own spoon.

It looked pretty good. "Sure," I said, before quickly taking it back by muttering that I wasn't very hungry anyway.

We sat in silence for a while, and I poured myself a glass and sipped it slowly. With a great sigh, Potter folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on top of them, staring glumly into space. I opened my mouth to ask if he was all right, but then closed it again, feeling stupid. Black leaned back in his chair, staring around the room with his teeth clenched.

I turned the spoon over in my hands subconsciously, wondering how I had managed to get myself into this situation for the second time since the start of term. Potter and Black had obviously been having a conversation before I had come along, and now they had stopped just because I was here. It would be best if I just left. They probably wanted that anyway, even if Potter was just being polite.

He suddenly straightened up and took a large spoonful of pudding. He looked up at me and said, "Help yourself," through his stuffed mouth.

OK, one minute he looked thoroughly depressed and the next he seemed fine. I wished he would just choose one or the other, and then I could know if I should just leave them alone or not.

I jabbed at the pudding – chocolate, by the way – with my spoon and ate a bit.

"That's some good eating," I said, in a very transparent attempt of breaking the silence.

"It's comfort eating," said Black shortly.

He glanced at me before shooting a blank stare at Potter, who turned stony-faced and dropped his head onto the table with a loud thud.

I inhaled a little and Black turned his glare to me in such a way that made warning sirens go off in my head. So, I held my breath, with absolutely no idea what I should do.

I could ask him if he was all right … But that was stupid; he obviously wasn't all right. But did he want me to ask? I didn't want to be intrusive or anything.

Before I could think of something to say, Black had cleared his throat loudly. "Look, mate, seeing as how I'm no good at this stuff, how would you feel about talking it over with this objective, non-partisan, uninvolved and unprejudiced, third-party … Hufflepuff … girl?"

"What stuff?" I asked hastily, looking from Black to Potter with his face buried in the table. I wasn't liking the sound of this. What could Potter possibly need to talk about that he couldn't talk about with Black? Those two were inseparable.

Well, there was one thing I could think of …

Black opened his mouth and then closed it again, watching his friend. I looked at him. "What stuff?" I repeated painfully.

We both looked at Potter who was stirring slightly, apparently taking a deep breath. It seemed ages later that he finally spoke, his voice muffled.

"It's Lily."

I paused. "Lily Evans?"

He moved his head in what I presumed was a nod.

I closed my eyes and let my mind fill with a very long and hearty groan.

Unnnnngghhaargh.

When I opened them to brave the world once more, Black was staring at me.

"I'm no good at this stuff either," I said plainly.

"You're a girl," he replied, his voice in constant, emotionless monotone. "You'll do fine."

I shook my head, in a sudden state of panic. I couldn't do this. I wouldn't do this. Black had another thing coming if he thought he could just make me get involved in this against my will. It was my motto in life to never get involved in anything, and to leave people alone. For another thing, I was most definitely not the right person to be asked about these sort of issues.

I looked at Potter, whose head was still on the table. Thankfully he couldn't see my feeble attempts at declining to help him out, that would have made me feel bad. With a moment of realisation, my stomach seemed to turn over with a sudden pang of guilt.

Why was I being such a bitch? Right then, Holly, it's late and you're tired so then why the hell did you decide to go for a stroll to the kitchens in the early hours of the morning? You got yourself into this, so stop your bloody whining.

This wasn't such a big deal. And the poor bloke looked like he was dying inside.

I looked at Black, and he glowered at me in a would-you-just-help-the-boy kind of way.

I took a deep breath, and tried my best to make my voice as soft as possible. "So, er … Potter. What's up?"

I could see Black hesitate, leaning back in his chair in surprise at my sudden change of tone, but I tried to ignore him. He was making me nervous.

Potter took a while, then lifted his head and stared past me at the wall. "… She hates me," he sighed eventually.

"What makes you say that?"

"Because she tells me so every time I talk to her!"

I blew out my cheeks, remembering the situation. Hopeless, it seemed. A lost cause. Potter must have been barking for carrying it on for so long. It was completely and utterly hopeless.

Nonsense.

"And how often to you talk to her?" I continued casually.

He gave me an odd look, and I imagined wildly for a moment that he thought I was rubbing it in. "Often enough ... Why?"

"Well, what's that like?"

He stared at me and furrowed his thick eyebrows. "I ask her out. She calls me an arrogant toe-rag."

I watched him carefully as he shook his head and looked down at the table, tracing the lines in the wood with his finger. I glanced at Black who was also studying him closely, and for the first time I really appreciated that despite acting grouchy and stuff, he was actually trying to help his friend and just didn't know how. I didn't really know how either, but this was something.

We waited and eventually Potter spoke up again, his voice low and strained.

"That's the problem, I think. She doesn't even give me a chance. She thinks I'm arrogant, but I dunno … Am I arrogant?"

They both looked expectantly at me.

I swallowed. "I … I can't say I know you all that well. You – er – you used to be kind of arrogant-"

"Well I know that," he said, waving a hand dismissively. And here I was worrying about offending him. He leaned forward slightly and looked me straight in the eyes. "But what about now? Am I still like that?"

I thought for a moment, meeting the brown eyes behind his wide-framed glasses. But I already knew my answer. He used to just be way too confident for his own good. Always thinking that he and his mates owned the school, being loud and obnoxious and easily detestable. He was, quite simply, nothing more than a peacock. It didn't help that he was pretty skilled at Quidditch, and still very bright and got top grades (and was well aware of it). But, somewhere, there had definitely been a change. He was still brimming with confidence, but in a much more amiable and cheerful and less show-offy kind of way.

Plus, he had stopped hexing people for the hell of it.

"No," I said. "No, I'd say you've definitely grown out of that."

"Exactly," he said with a glint of triumph. But that faded quickly as he let out a long sigh and his shoulders slumped. "I've tried, you know. I tried to change for her, become a better person. I dunno if it worked, or if I just grew up. But … it's just … it's like she never noticed. I know that makes no sense, but …"

Sighing again, he took a long swig from his milk and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. He met my eyes with his lips pressed together bracingly.

"That makes sense," I started, and he blinked. "You know, Evans – er, Lily – has herself completely convinced that she knows all there is to know about you. I mean, that you're arrogant, end of story. But if she actually took the time to get to know you properly, she'd have to realise that you're not the smarmy, swelled-headed git she thinks you are. And maybe she'd realise … well, you know – that you're, um, not so bad, or whatever."

My train of thought carried me there and I stopped when I saw him staring at me with his mouth hanging open.

"Sorry, I don't know much about it," I muttered awkwardly.

"No!" he exclaimed. "No, no, no. Keep going!"

The problem was, I had run out of things to say.

"So how do I get her to realise that?" supplied Potter eagerly.

I scratched my head. "Um, well if you just got to know her a bit-"

"But how?"

Potter stared at me and his face suddenly twitched into an expression of such desperation that I probably would have done anything he asked at that moment if only he would stop looking so sad.

"Help me," he groaned.

Damn those big brown eyes. I was officially giving love advice to James Potter. What had the world come to?

I nodded and instantaneously he flashed a grin and I suddenly wondered if it had all been an act. But I guess it didn't make a difference, anyway.

I had to think about this, otherwise I could end up talking until dawn. "Well … You're Head Boy and Girl right?" He nodded. "... Maybe try talking to her normally, like don't ask her out or anything, just talk to her like a friend for a while ... Yeah, actually, friends is a good place to start."

"Friends?" he asked wondrously. "You think I should be friends with her?"

"Well ... yeah. They say the best relationships develop from friendships, right?" Wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm a hypocrite, I know. Experience is not on my side. But this isn't my problem, it's Potter's. "The more time you spend with her," I continued carefully, "the more she'll trust you, right? And the more she'll think about the good points in your personality that she has always overlooked."

He looked thoughtful for a while and then grinned cheekily at me. "I've got an idea … Could you talk to her for me?"

"What, you think I'm on speaking terms with Little Miss Perfect?" I asked, my voice coming out a lot shriller than I had planned. "Er, I mean, no, I think it's best if you talk to her ... She'll be more likely to take you seriously that way."

"So … I have to make friends with her so she can trust me," he summed up.

"Yeah. I mean, no! You probably shouldn't think about it like that. If she thinks you have ulterior motives she's never going to trust you."

Potter shot a bewildered look at Black, who was shaking his head in the same stunned silence. For the first time in a while he spoke, and his tone was not friendly. Well, it was more toneless, but that in itself isn't exactly chummy. "Are girls this obstinate on purpose?" he asked.

I looked at him and laughed a little gruffly. "Yes." Even I wasn't sure if I was being sarcastic or not.

"But," interjected Potter, scratching his head and mussing his hair, "I do have ulterior motives. Don't I?"

Merlin, I am really bad at this. I took a bite of pudding and another sip of milk. Potter was now paying rapt attention to my every move and Black was eyeing me ever so slightly suspiciously.

I shook my head. "What I think is … Well, you don't have to listen to me at all, because really it's none of my business anyway," I blabbed. I continued slowly, not wanting to give the wrong impression. "Maybe just try to be friends first anyway. Get to know her, find out what you've got in common and stuff …"

I wondered if he knew what I was saying. That I doubted, from what he had told me so far and from what I had picked up over the years, whether he actually knew anything about Lily Evans at all, other than what he had convinced himself was worth chasing for his entire teenage life.

He watched me carefully, a tiny frown line appearing between his eyebrows. "I love her. I've loved her for forever."

There was such certainty in his face. I stole a glance at Black, who scrutinised me for a moment before averting his eyes and lifting his shoulders in an almost unnoticeable shrug. I felt like shrugging, too.

But what could I do, if he was that sure of himself? If Potter believed he was in love, who was I to disagree? I took a deep breath, my voice taking on the tone of a motivational speech. "Well, if she's any way decent at all she should be able see that you're actually a good guy. I dunno how long it might take. But if she doesn't cop on …" I trailed off uncertainly, "… well, then she's not worth it and you can do a hell of a lot better."

He blinked at me for a moment, and then a grin cracked across his face. "She's worth it. I know she is. I love her."

I nodded, and then realised that Potter was looking a lot more cheerful, like his usual self. I relaxed. Well, that was easy. I thought it would take hours to undepress him.

Glancing at Black again, I noticed his gaze hadn't left my face as he continued studying me with narrowed eyes.

I got the distinct impression that he didn't like me very much. But what had I done? I had let Potter spill his guts and then gave him the best advice I could. I had warned them I wasn't good at this stuff. At least I had tried. True, it was probably more comforting than directive, but whatever! Maybe that was all Potter really needed, a third-party opinion and a bit of reassurance. What more did Black want?

I shrugged, trying to ignore him. Then Potter suddenly shot up and stuck his spoon forcefully into the pudding. "Right. I'll make her see! I'll … yeah! Thank you, Comstock!"

And with that he climbed over the bench and headed for the door with a jaunty stride.

Black and I stared after him, until he turned around at the portrait and said, with a sheepish grin, "And … what happens if we have nothing in common?"

I scratched my head. "It shouldn't be too much of a problem if you're in love with her," I said uncertainly.

James clapped his hands together and pointed at me. "You're right! Thanks again, Comstock." And then he had skipped out the door and was gone.

With a glance in my direction – which I did not meet – Sirius slowly got up and followed behind Potter.

I finished off my milk and noticed that Black had stopped in the doorway and turned back around, his hand on the picture-frame.

"You said you were no good at this stuff," he said in an offhand manner, not looking at me.

Despite all efforts at convincing myself that I didn't care what he thought, my mind was going frantic and I struggled to get out a coherent reply. "I – er – yeah, I'm not … You should probably tell him to forget everything I said, I have no idea what I'm talking about …"

His eyes landed on me and I swallowed nervously. "No," he said dully. "No, it was good." Only he didn't sound very happy about it.

I appeared to have stopped breathing. I raised my eyebrows slightly, completely at a loss. If he was lying he shouldn't have bothered. The tone, or lack thereof, said enough. But maybe I was thinking too much.

For a moment he stood there. Then he simply nodded politely and turned around and left, shutting the portrait behind him.

I stared after him for a while, and then looked back at the table where a quarter of a pudding was left behind. I stuck my spoon into it and sighed, feeling far too tired to have to traipse back to my dormitory.


	4. Hallowe'en

**- Chapter Four -**

**Hallowe'en**

"What do you think about James Potter?" I asked Aubrey casually, as we left Honeydukes and headed up the high street of Hogsmeade; me stuffing a freshly bought, half-term's worth of Sugar Quills into my bag, and him tidily fixing his blue and bronze scarf against the chilly October breeze.

It had been about a week since that night in the kitchens, and every so often it would just pop back into my head.

It was just another random encounter, but now I was ever so slightly more interested in the whole Potter-and-Evans show than I usually would have been. It didn't matter to me how it turned out, I was just vaguely aware that Potter deserved to catch a break. It just seemed a pity that such a nice guy was being treated so unfairly. I didn't care if he got Evans or if he simply decided he didn't need her; as long as he managed to feel better about it all.

It was unnerving to think that he always seemed so cheerful, when underneath …

But then again, I didn't know him all that well. Maybe if I was actually friends with him it would have seemed differently.

To my considerable surprise, he actually seemed to be following my advice. Every time I saw him in the last week, he was talking to Evans. Standing with her. Walking with her. Sitting with her. Looking like he had just won a million galleons. Outside Potions on Tuesday, he had simply greeted her pleasantly before heading into class. She had opened her mouth as if to retaliate, but then seemed to realise that he hadn't said anything offensive or suggestive, so she just ended up staring after him in stunned silence. On Thursday I had passed them walking together in the corridor, him chatting animatedly and her looking a little confused, but smiling slightly nonetheless. He saw me and his face lit up even more (if that was possible) and he waved. Evans had looked at me, and then looked back at him as if she thought he'd made a mistake. I laughed to myself and smiled back at Potter, glad to see that the distraught, helpless boy I had met in the kitchens was nowhere in sight.

Aubrey hoisted his bag more comfortably on his shoulders, and furrowed his brow.

He must have realised that I hadn't been listening to him as he rambled on about the five foot History of Magic essay that we were planning to start as soon as we returned to the castle.

"Potter?" he asked quizzically, scratching his nose at me. "Well, he's not my type, but sure. He's an all right bloke."

I laughed. "Weren't you sent to the hospital wing because of him?"

"More than once," he grinned. "It took ages to get my head back to the right size. But that was years ago! He seems pretty cool now."

I smiled to myself. If Aubrey didn't hold a grudge against Potter – and Bertram Aubrey was the King of Holding Grudges – then Evans definitely had to be in the wrong. I knew Potter seemed decent, but I needed the second opinion.

I mean, Aubrey was still blaming me for every Outstanding he failed to achieve in his homework, even in the subjects that I didn't take! I 'distracted' him apparently … And he still hadn't forgiven me for that time I had mistakenly dictated the date of the 18th century Goblin rebellion, for which Professor Binns marked him down on in his essay. (I didn't really get it wrong. He had just misheard me, but I had long since learned not to argue with him over school work.)

If he, of all people, could see the good side of Potter, then Lily Evans must be pretty bloody stubborn.

"Why do you ask?" he was saying, his tone curious.

"No reason. I was just talking to him the other night," I said honestly.

"'Bout what?"

I shrugged. It was Potter's business, not mine.

We passed the Three Broomsticks on our way out of the village, and Aubrey said, "Well, speak of the devil …"

A group of students were hanging around outside the inn, clearly identifiable by their crimson and gold scarves.

Sure enough, Potter was at the head of the group, and surprise surprise, Lily Evans was there beside him. She was smiling at him a little sheepishly, glancing around as if wondering how she had managed to get stuck there. Potter was nonplussed, chattering and motioning extravagantly with his arms.

I grinned slightly. I had to admire his determination. He was probably the only person in the world who could have pulled off the overly friendly thing, without being just plain annoying.

A few feet away, the rest of his friends were disposed. At a glance, I could see Lupin talking lightly to Black. But my eyes halted on Black's face. He was not paying attention to Lupin but had his eyes resolutely fixed on Potter's back, his jaw set and his body tensed.

As my legs carried me past, I was aware that I was staring and knew I shouldn't have been. But then Black blinked and looked around, and because I was already staring at him, his eyes landed conveniently on my face.

I couldn't tell what he was thinking, or what he had been thinking when he had been watching Potter and Evans, but the look wasn't as much as an evil glare as I had somehow expected. It was just a little wary.

His eyes ran over me and his brow contracted slightly, presumably because I had just been staring at him. Stupid Holly.

I gave him a quick, slightly timid smile.

I got a fleeting memory of shooting him a smile like that before, as I had approached them that day behind the greenhouses, and he had just stared blatantly back. For a split second I thought he was going to do the same now.

But instead he paused, and then gave a polite nod. He opened his mouth and turned away to start talking to Lupin.

I looked away, blinking dazedly.

Well that was … something.

And suddenly, I thought, had I been totally overreacting? Just because Black wasn't quite as extroverted as Potter – not even nearly – well, that didn't mean he hated me. That nod just now was … almost completely friendly. But-

I shook myself a little before I could start obsessing. It didn't matter, I was probably never going to talk to either of them again anyway.

_Ha_ …

I plucked at Aubrey's sleeve to turn him around, as he, being the tactless git that he was, continued staring at the gaggle of Gryffindors. Then he spun around and gaped from me to them and back again.

Had he seen the nod?

"Is there something you aren't telling me?"

He had seen the nod.

"… There's always something I'm not telling you. You're a complete bastard and I hate you. Now you know. I'm glad I got that off my chest." I spoke in a rush and didn't look at him.

He just raised his eyebrows in that stupid, I'm-not-going-to-ask-but-only-because-I-secretly-know-everything way of his.

We continued off down the street, and soon bumped into a couple of Ravenclaws. While he chatted away to them I was glad for the chance to let my mind wander.

Unh, that five foot essay for Binns … Or, more so, the Halloween feast that evening …

But my thoughts were soon interrupted by a loud, shrill voice that seemed to be screaming furiously from a fair bit behind us.

I felt Aubrey beside me, being the nosy git that he was, spin around to see what was going on.

But I recognised the voice and found myself rooted to the spot.

"- don't know what you're playing at, but I can tell you're up to something! You're just an arrogant bullying toe-rag, and I'm NOT interested – I don't want to go out with you and I NEVER WILL! When will you get that into your oversized head and just LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Aubrey elbowed me in the side but my body seemed to have stopped functioning normally. Lily Evans's shouts were ringing through my head.

Oh God. Oh bloody hell.

I turned so fast that I almost fell over, just in time to see the bright red and gold figures on the other end of the street (hell, her voice can travel), as a ginger blur turned on her heel and stormed away from them. I wasn't so far away that I couldn't see their faces, and Potter's simply fell. He closed his eyes in a terribly pained expression and my heart seemed to collapse into itself.

Then I saw the other dark-haired figure step out from behind and put a hand on his friend's shoulder. And then Sirius Black looked directly at me, a blank expression on his face, and then a crowd of people walked in front of the Gryffindors and I could no longer see them.

Oh no.

Oh no.

He looked so sad …

This was my fault.

Oh God.

No, hang on. It wasn't my fault. Not completely, anyway. Evans was the one refusing to give Potter a chance.

That _bitch_ …

And on that last thought, my feet suddenly began to move of their own accord and walked me into the middle of the street. The redhead was striding towards me and I … well, I appeared to be blocking her path.

She walked up to me and then stopped abruptly, looking me up and down.

"Can I help you?" she snapped impatiently.

"I think you should give Potter a chance," I heard myself say.

…

It's funny because I must have been dreaming. Strange, really, that it would be such a plot-less one with a nightmarish twist right at the end. This would be an interesting one for that dream-diary in Divination. I'm non-confrontational. This couldn't be real life, because –

Oh bloody hell. What was I doing?

It would be really great if I could control my body right now. Maybe, since my mind was now racing at double speed, my body had shut down to compensate. But it was too late to do anything about it now, so what else could I do but go with it?

Evans's face twitched in frustration and she looked at me as if I was something disgusting she found in the bottom of her cauldron.

"Oh, do you?" she replied fiercely. "And who exactly are you?"

Who am I … That was a funny question, really. Lily Evans knew me. I had talked to her a load more times than I had talked to Potter. She had been in the Slug Club for at least five years, and still was as far as I knew. And she was also in Potions. I remembered that especially well because she had taken the last seat at Aubrey and his Ravenclaw friends' table at the beginning of sixth year, which was the reason I had to sit beside Snivellus Snape in the first place. She knew who I was. But maybe I just wasn't worthy of her recognition. Not right now, at least.

No, I knew what the real question was. Who was I to think that I knew anything at all about this situation? Who was I to tell her what to do? Who was I to confront her?

Naturally, my calm answer was, "I'm nobody." I smiled slightly.

Seeing as how I was already dreaming (that or I had just lost my mind), well, what else could I do? "I just think … maybe you're not seeing Potter in a clear light."

"I can see him quite clearly, thank you," she replied coldly, sticking up her nose and crossing her arms. She attempted to push past me but I stood my ground.

"And how's that?"

"And how's what?" she retorted impatiently. "I can see that he's an arrogant bullying toe-rag, that's what!"

Ah. The 'arrogant bullying toe-rag' card. It took all of my self-control to stop myself exploding and telling her to sing a new song. I'd heard her call him that too many times to remember, even when their little interactions meant nothing to me.

"All right," I said firmly. "He _was_ an arrogant bulling toe-rag. But just ask yourself; when was the last time you actually saw him picking on anyone? He's Head Boy for God's sake! Who would let him in authority if he was a bullying toe-rag?"

She opened her mouth to retort but I cut in ahead of her, knowing that I was on a roll and couldn't stop until I had explained myself fully, or else I'd get all jumbled up with too many thoughts.

"OK, so he may have been like that before, right? But he was young – and it's like you never noticed it when he went and grew up and actually became just a nice, decent guy. And now you – you're still convincing yourself he's still the same!

"Yeah, see, that's your problem. You think you're so great but really you're just as bad as you think he is. You're too bloody proud to admit that he's not fifteen years old any more! And neither are you!"

I took a moment to breathe. It was a bit much to tell her to grow up, right? Even if I desperately wanted to. But my voice had already risen far louder than I had expected, since I wasn't actually angry but only trying to make her see sense. But I doubted that she could see it like that.

Looking around for the first time, I realised that my voice had travelled a lot further than I had thought and the pair of us were currently surrounded by a large crowd of students, apparently everyone who had been on the streets of Hogsmeade now circled around the random Hufflepuff who was telling off the Head Girl.

My eyes flicked around wildly to take in all the watchful, excited faces, panic suddenly gripping me. Evans seemed to have noticed before me and was now looking murderous.

I wondered madly if she was going to take House points from me.

"How dare you," she hissed. She seemed to angry to speak and I noticed my breathing was ragged. "I – You – None of your business …"

"I don't think anyone is more aware of that than me," I muttered. What was I doing? This was horrible. Why did I think this was a good idea? Oh, right, I didn't. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the craziness.

"Look," I said, leaning in closer and lowering my voice. "I'm not actually trying to have a go at you. I just think that you're actually kinda lucky to have this – this great guy right there in front of you, who thinks the light shines out of your … well, out of every part of you. I mean he hasn't given up on you, in how long? Even just that has to count for something … And you know, this isn't a joke to him. If you had seen his face just now you should realise that. You could at least take him seriously."

Evans blinked and then twisted around to look behind her, as if she had hoped that Potter was standing there so that she could see what I meant for herself. I, for one, never wanted to have to see that sort of anguish in anyone's face ever again. I looked around and was vaguely thankful that he and his friends were nowhere in sight, and could only hope that they had disappeared before any of this had started. I looked back at Evans and she blinked at me, and opened and closed her mouth a few times. I rubbed my face, feeling people's eyes on me and wishing that I could just turn around and run.

"I … Don't know what you … Always annoying me ..." she managed to get out, shaking her head in irritation.

I screwed up my face and took a deep breath. "OK, I dunno. Maybe you don't like him back, that's fine. But you could at least try not to come down so hard on him." I looked at my hands, my new-found confidence quickly returning to wherever it came from. I took a glance at Evans, but I couldn't tell if she was even listening any more. Even if she was, what was making her take my advice into account? Poor Potter. "He still has feelings, you know," I added eventually.

There was a climatic silence. I stared at the ground, finding breathing extremely difficult. I could almost hear the audience waiting with bated breath, waiting for whatever Evans would say to this. My mind had been going so fast that I had hardly let her get a word in edgeways, and I too was waiting for the explosion.

That, I could handle. My own sudden outburst was another story. I was never going to understand why I did this.

She seemed to come to her senses first, but instead of going into a fiery rage of fury she seemed to decide that this was a good place to end the conversation. She flicked back her hair in a derisive dismissal and pushed passed me, marching off down the street.

I didn't look around, just let my shoulders slump as I let out a heavy sigh. My mind was now oddly blank and I decided to just keep staring at the ground, hoping to maybe go unnoticed by all the spectators who were now moving around and whispering excitedly to each other. Their voices grew louder as the circle seemed to contract and I realised that I needed to move, fleetingly worried whether to head back to the castle and risk catching up with _her,_ or to stay in the village and risk being asked questions about all this. Or worse, run into …

I swallowed thickly and spun around, attracting a lot of anticipating stares.

I looked around for a second, and then lowered my eyes to look at my feet and set out briskly on the road back to the castle.

I had just pushed past the crowd when Aubrey rushed up to me from the front of the watchers, his face bright and slightly astonished.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?"

He was grinning. I shook my head with a grimace, feeling like I was going to get sick. "I'm – I don't think I'm going to Tomes and Scrolls any more – I'm sorry – I'm just gonna head back to the castle, I'll talk to you later."

Aubrey blinked. I just inhaled deeply and shook my head. Then I turned and almost ran back to the castle.

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><p>Ahhhh this chapter is so cringy! Lol. It was kinda fun to write, though. OOC for Lily, maybe? I don't 's supposedly outspoken, right? ... Ah well.<p>

Thanks for reading and please review! :) I'll take this moment to say thank you for all the support I'm getting so far, I still can't believe people want to read this story xD ...


	5. The Kitchens Again

I'll just say that I am in love with each and every person who reads this story xD

Lol I'm all giddy … :D

Thanks for all the reviews ;)

*has mental breakdown at the idea of having readers*

Now I'm not even going to _try_ to predict a reaction for this chapter, because I'll most definitely get it wrong. Read for yourselves :/ I'd love to hear what people think about Sirius now :)

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><p><strong>- Chapter Five -<strong>

**The Kitchens Again**

That night I was grumbling slightly under my breath as I screwed up my eyes against the too-bright lights. I turned blindly and shut the portrait behind me.

The insides of my eyelids were disturbingly red, a feeble attempt to shield my eyes from the discomfort of the white radiance. I ran my hand down my face with a great sigh, and opened my eyes.

It was almost as if in that split second, I was faintly aware that the vast room was strangely quiet; and if I had actually thought about it, I probably would have guessed. I really should have expected it. It was painfully obvious. And I was an absolute idiot for coming here.

I blinked at the spotless tiled floor, and then looked up. There he was. Sitting in the exact same seat as before. But on his own this time. And still staring. But not looking so much surprised to see me as just … vaguely interested in my arrival. His jet black hair was still neatly unkempt and slightly wavy. And no jacket, just his pjs. But he could always show everyone else up by just existing.

I looked at him, Sirius Black, and he looked at me, expressionless. Then I mumbled out something incoherent and turned hurriedly to escape out the door I had just come in.

There was a short pause, and then, "Eh, what am I, a Manticore?"

I stopped and screwed up my face again. Against my better judgement I turned back around to mutter out a very inarticulate apology. I wanted the floor to swallow me up. Or to just drop dead, though that might be embarrassing. But I'd be dead so I wouldn't care. Would I? … Maybe I could get him locked up for those lethal glares of his.

This was just what I get, you know. This is karma. I had been extremely lucky all day not to have to talk to anyone since … the _incident._ So now the world was getting back at me by making the first person I ran into be one of the few people I never wanted to speak to again ever in my entire life.

I really had no idea who would have been worse. James would have been pretty bad but Sirius was just plain nerve-racking. If anyone was in a fit state to murder me for interfering to the point of being justly accused as a dangerous stalker, well it was definitely the grumpy best friend rather than the victim.

I didn't really know why he intimidated me so much, but it was probably something to do with the fact that he – wouldn't stop _glaring_ at me with those goddamn intimidating eyes!

Why the hell did I decide to come here? That was literally the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Well, I had skipped the feast and couldn't sleep for one thing. Two, actually.

I was staring blankly at the ground and then I quickly glanced up at his face. He seemed to suck in his cheeks thoughtfully for a second, contemplating me. Then he rolled his eyes and motioned lazily to the seat in front of him.

Aaaanhharrrrrgggh.

I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. I hovered for a moment, thinking of attempting to scarper again, but then he glanced back at me and raised his eyebrows in what was, quite clearly, serious doubt for my mental capacity.

I took a deep breath and slouched, and with my heart thumping frantically against my ribcage, I gave in and stumbled over to him.

I sat down heavily and examined the wood of the table. There was a large plate in front of him and he picked up the last biscuit on it and popped it into his mouth. I watched the plate refill itself, and then glanced around the room; at the counter-tops lining the walls filled with pots and pans, and down the long house tables to the large brick fireplace at the far end of the room where the elves usually congregated. They seemed to be making themselves scarce tonight.

Maybe they were scared of him, too.

In contrast to how sleepy I was the other night, I was currently wide awake. And obviously quite agitated. I looked at all the biscuits piled on the plate which were being consumed freakishly quickly by Sirius. With eating like that every time he came down to the kitchens, and with the extensive Hallowe'en feast earlier, it was a wonder he was so skinny! Well, skinny wasn't really the right word. He had a good build on him, quite tall, and his shoulders were broad and straight (and looked especially good in the t-shirt he was wearing tonight as his nightwear …). He wasn't muscled and I somehow doubted that he ever gave much thought to his physique because he didn't play Quidditch for Gryffindor. Yet he was just lean, naturally I suppose –

Oh my God, now I was looking at Sirius Black's body.

I cast around desperately for something else to think about.

"Where's James?" I said suddenly, and immediately regretted it. I had to stop myself from slapping myself hard in the face. The exact topic I wanted to avoid, to forget about, hopefully for the rest of my life.

I'd rather be talking about his amazing good looks than – ha, actually, no. What on Earth was I thinking?

I'm literally the stupidest person I have ever met.

He chewed his biscuit and swallowed, watching me with scrutinising grey eyes. "Went to bed early," he answered.

I felt a sharp pang of guilt in my stomach. I knew I probably looked like someone had put a dungbomb under my nose, but I couldn't help but grimace uncomfortably.

A very long silence followed. The only sound was of his soft chewing.

After a while he rummaged in his pocket for his wand. He slapped a very worn looking piece of parchment, a nose-biting teacup and a packet of Droobles on the table before reaching it. He conjured up another glass, poured milk into it from the jug, and passed it to me. I thanked him quietly without looking up, and rubbed the glass as condensation broke over the smooth surface.

More silence. And then I cracked. To my complete horror and embarrassment, my voice was a pitch higher than usual when the words came tumbling out of my mouth. "Look, I'm sorry, OK? My advice was shit. It didn't work. My opinion is worthless. And then I went and made things worse by shouting at Lily Evans – Oh my _God_, did I shout at her? Oh bloody hell. I didn't mean to be angry and she'll never take what I said into account if she thought I was just attacking her – Oh God, I completely messed up. It was never any of my business anyway. And I totally understand if you hate me – I mean, if James hates me – because I would if I was him and I pretty much hate myself anyway, and I'm just – _What_?"

He had been staring at me again as if wondering whether I was quite sane. I was panting a little and had to force myself to meet his eyes.

He shook his head and raised his eyebrows in a bemused sort of way.

"What?" I repeated.

He grinned. Oh God, he thinks I'm a nutjob. "You talk to much," he said coolly.

I blinked. "… You should hear what it's like in my head," I said, laughing nervously. He smiled. "Not that I talk to myself. In my head. Or outside of it, for that matter. Am I really – Oh God, I'm still talking …"

I clamped a hand over my mouth and attempted to breath.

He was watching me carefully and I closed my eyes. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry – And now it sounds like I came here especially to tell you that, but really I had no idea – I'm just really, really, incredibly stupid. And I'm actually just going to leave you alone forever now."

I stood up. He leaned back in his seat to study me closely, in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable but also not to dare to move.

"What have you got to be sorry for?" he asked.

I gripped the edge of the table with shaking hands, and bowed my head. "Oh, did I not mention that? I … shouldn't have interfered. It wasn't my place to. It was between James and Lily Evans and I only made it worse." I didn't say anything for a moment and then I laughed a little. "And now I'm just acting like a twat. I'll get over it. I'm sorry for freaking out. And for disturbing you in the first place. I'm just – I'm gonna go, OK?"

I made to move but he was still staring at me and I was distinctly aware that I wasn't excused. And for some reason Sirius had the power to make me stay rooted to the spot.

He studied me like I was a slightly interesting part of the scenery that he couldn't quite understand, his arms folded and his eyes narrowed in thought. "Why don't you want to talk to me?" he asked.

My heart seemed to stop and I looked up at him. He was grinning wryly.

"Not that – I don't need to talk about this – Just being a twat – No big deal – I'll just go."

"What, I'm being serious here!" he exclaimed.

"Siriusly serious?" I asked in a small voice.

He struggled not to let out a smile. Leaning forwards he met my gaze with his grey eyes. "You're upset, right? So why don't you want to talk to me about it? Is there something wrong with me?"

I blinked at him, and he stared innocently back. I wasn't about to talk about this, ESPECIALLY not with Sirius Black. "Clearly, many things," I muttered.

He chuckled. When we both realised that I was still standing and turned for the door, he nodded towards the bench. Obediently, I sat back down.

"Biscuit?" he offered, smirking.

I shook my head, and took a long drag of milk instead. That seemed to calm me down. I filled my glass up again and chanced glancing up at him. He was still watching me and clasped his hands together calmly on the table.

"So … What's up?"

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice to make it as calm as possible. "Nothing. I'm _fine_." I wasn't freaking out about this. No, not at all. I was completely cool. I didn't let myself get worked up about tiny things like this. Never.

I didn't want him to think I was looking for sympathy, or someone to go moaning to. This was all going to stay inside of my head.

He raised one eyebrow, and I snapped. "I'm not talking to you about this!"

"Have a go," he said, grinning impertinently.

I shook my head, and made a move, hoping that he'd let me go.

He looked at me for a moment and took a deep breath. Then he made an impatient noise in his throat and rolled his eyes, resting them at a point on the low basement ceiling.

"Look, you helped James out. So I'm having a go at making it up to you. Maybe _I_ can help _you_ out."

He dropped his gaze back to my face, as if he knew this was a bad idea but was deciding to plough ahead with it anyway.

"So shut up and tell me what's wrong with you."

I scratched my head, my mind still back on what he had said before. I made a face. "... But I didn't help James. I made things worse. Lily Evans still won't look at him like a real person and confronting her about her did nothing. Actually, no, it did worse than that. It only added to her grudge against him, which in case you hadn't noticed, was in a bad enough state as it was! I shouldn't have said anything, it was none of my business." I took a sip of milk and added, "And I understand if you – er, you both – hate me."

I looked at Sirius and he sucked in his cheeks slightly again. "James did ask you to talk to her, remember?"

He grinned but stopped when he copped my scowl.

He yawned widely and rumpled his hair back from his face. "Look," he said, "James doesn't hate you."

He drank deeply from his milk (I was vaguely aware that he shouldn't be allowed to drink milk. Milk was for children and innocent and vulnerable people. It was too cute). He smacked his lips and looked away from me.

"Actually …" he continued cautiously, his gaze averted, "he doesn't know yet."

I stared at him. His eyes flicked to me and then away again. "How?"

"He went to bed early," he said simply.

"So then how do you know?"

"Mary Macdonald told me."

That gossipy bitch.

"Are you going to tell him?"

He blinked at me and lowered his brow. "He'll find out one way or the other."

I let out a groan and dropped my head onto the table.

"I really wish I could have seen that," he joked wryly. I looked at him over the top of my arms, glaring.

He gave another impatient sigh and dipped his head slightly get on a level with me. I twitched a little nervously.

His eyes glinted sharply. "Look, you don't know James like I do. He's not going to hate you. He … he'll think that it was the height of nobility and loyalty that you stood up for him like that. He's going to think you're the best thing that happened since pumpkin juice."

I stared at him in shock and raised my head slightly. "Are you serious?"

He looked at me. "I'm Siriusly bloody serious."

I stared at his face, and he just rolled his eyes and looked away in a bored sort of manner.

I didn't say anything for a while. Was he telling the truth? I don't know why he would lie, really. To make me feel better? Somehow, I couldn't see him caring too much about that.

When I actually thought about it, if the choice was between Sirius lying to make me feel better and James actually thinking that I was the best thing that happened since pumpkin juice, well they were two and the same, right? It was either they both hated me or they both didn't … Right?

Wait a second, noble and loyal? – "But … I don't think that was it at all!"

"Then what was it?"

I looked at my hands. "I don't know … It just seemed so unfair … that she's completely deluding herself into believing he hasn't changed since he was fifteen, you know? And she wasn't about to cop on any time soon, so-"

"-So you had to be the one to make her see sense?"

He was smiling slightly. I just sighed and said, "Better a third-party, uninvolved and unprejudiced Hufflepuff, right?"

I absent-mindedly took a biscuit and played with it in my shaking hands. I was very faintly feeling more relaxed. Which was actually quite a feat since Sirius had me on edge anyway without me already being wound up. By the time I spoke up again, the biscuit was little more than crumbs on the table. "You know what I think?"

He looked at me, chewing.

"I was thinking that … it must hurt him a lot. You know, Evans constantly rejecting him for no real reason." Sirius stopped chewing and stared at me a little warily. "I mean, that's a big blow to his confidence right there, every time it happens. It can't be good for his self-esteem … Maybe … you know … maybe there's a _reason_ he's not as arrogant as he used to be."

For a second I was very nervous, worrying that I had gone a step too far, been way too presumptuous. Sirius studied me with careful eyes and then dropped his biscuit back onto the plate. "Maybe," he started carefully, "his self-esteem wasn't so great in the first place … Maybe there's a reason he _acted_ arrogant."

I felt my eyes widen as I inhaled and held my breath. My empty glass rolled out of my hand.

Then my breath came out in a slight, distressed squeak.

Oh God. This was too horrible.

And here I was, worried that these two people who meant nothing to me hated me for making a complete arse of myself. Worried because Evans hated James and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Worried because he had looked so goddamn sad. But James was strong, right? He had the pluck to get through it. Right?

But _this_ … This was something else.

"Poor James," I choked out.

After a long moment I peered out between my fingers.

Meeting my eyes, Sirius made a face.

He sighed briefly. "You're making it sound so hopeless. But he's not going to give up that easily. He's been at this too long to do that." He yawned loudly. "And you said yourself that you didn't know how long it might take for her to get over herself. You never know … Maybe she'll actually have a think over what you said."

I shook my head. I sincerely doubted that. He glared at me and shrugged it off. "Look – you don't know all this like I do. You don't know how many times this has happened … I lost count somewhere in the sixties, and that was only halfway through third year."

I shook myself. "When did he start asking her out?" I asked incredulously.

"Sometime in third year," he repeated, grinning.

I let out a short laugh and he smiled at me. Nice smile, nothing intimidating about it at all, really.

He stretched out his arms behind his head and leaned back in his seat. "Yeah, this is no different from the other times – OK," (I had just raised my eyebrows at him in disbelief), "maybe it's a _tiny_ bit worse – but it'll be the same old routine as every time before. He'll be depressed for a few days – OK, give him a week – but soon enough he'll be right as rain and ready to crack on with yet another plan to win her over. History repeats itself," he ended drily. He rubbed his face wearily.

"Do you resent it?" I asked, and then almost banged my head off the table for being so stupid.

"Resent what?" he shot back.

I cowered slightly. "Er, nothing, really. I just meant – erm – like, the way he spends so much time and effort on her …"

He glared at me and I looked at the table, my face flushed from embarrassment.

"He's my best friend," he answered stiffly.

I nodded, then grabbed a biscuit and stuffed it in my mouth.

Well, the conversation had already lasted long enough, I suppose. In my opinion, he had been too friendly for too long. He'd have had to stop being nice at some point.

Then I realised that I had just had a full, lengthy conversation with Sirius Black. That was not right at all.

I must have been feeling rather better if I had just managed to eat a whole biscuit without wanting to throw up. What had he said to make me feel better? Nothing I could fully believe but nothing I could actually argue against either. He knew it all better than I did, I guess.

"I'm sorry I went all mental on you," I said.

"That's all right, Holly," he replied casually. "I understand completely. Time of the month, we get it from Remus, too."

I spluttered on my milk and then burst out laughing. He just grinned. I didn't really know what he meant about Lupin. Was he … moody? Private joke, I guess. Oh, well. Still funny.

And then it hit me; when had we started using first names?

What the …

What … When the bloody hell did that happen?

Jaaaames. James. James James James. It had no meaning to me. But I still hadn't used Sirius's out loud – at least I didn't think I had. Had I? Well, I couldn't deny that I had been using it in my head this whole time. Holy moley …

Potter and Black were now, officially and irretrievably, James and Sirius.

James and Sirius.

Sirius stood up, stretching. "Right, well I'm off to bed. You coming?"

"I – what?" I stammered, having just completely blanked out.

He rolled his eyes with a fleeting smirk. "Are you _staying_ or _leaving_," he said loudly and clearly, in the manner of someone speaking to a mentally incapacitated person.

"Leaving," I said quickly, and managed to knock over the bench as I stood up.

I clambered out of the portrait door behind him, and stood blinking in the dark hallway outside. He had already lit his wand and was heading off in the opposite direction.

"Um, Sirius?" I called tentatively, his name sounding oddly slurred on my tongue.

He turned around, one hand searching deep in his pocket, and raised his eyebrows expectantly.

I paused, scratching my head a little awkwardly. "Er … Thanks."

He looked at me for a moment, the beam of wandlight highlighting his striking features. One side of his mouth twitched up slightly, and then he nodded, and turned back around and continued to walk away.

It was only later, as I stumbled into bed, that I realised I had never even asked him what he was doing down in the kitchens at that time of night with what appeared to be some good comfort eating in the first place.


	6. The F Word

**- Chapter Six -**

**The F Word**

Just as Sirius had predicted, it was a little under a week later that James seemed to be back to his usual self. Naturally, I was avoiding him.

And I had been rather successful up until the end of the week, Potions on Friday to be exact.

Always remember: Potions = Snape = Bad luck.

In that way, it was all Snape's fault, really.

"I heard about your little charade in Hogsmeade," he drawled that morning.

I had just had a intensely dull double History of Magic lesson. I was still catching up on the sleep I had missed that night in the kitchens with Sirius. I was weary and I didn't like talking about this topic.

So I gritted my teeth and ignored him.

"There is just one _tiny_ part of it that I don't quite understand. If you don't mind ..."

I continued crushing my unicorn horn into a fine powder as if I couldn't hear him.

"Well you see, if you really did fancy Potter – as I had initially guessed was the case – then why would you try to gain his affection by attempting to persuade Evans to want to date him? It just doesn't fit – you can see why it confuses me, I'm sure ..."

Deep breaths, Holly. Deep breaths. Heart pounding in my ears. He was delusional. Absolutely bonkers.

Don't rise to the bait.

"Now … the only thing I could think of that makes any sense at all – and it actually does make quite a bit of sense when you think about it – is that you aren't trying to get Potter at all. No … you think that by helping Potter out … you may win the approval of his best friend-"

He stopped abruptly, his eyes trained on my face. He had expected some response by now. I pretended to be rereading the instructions in the textbook but it just wasn't going in. I just stared at the page, shaking with suppressed emotions. I didn't even know what I felt exactly. But I didn't like this conversation.

"Black," he murmured softly. I ripped the little bag of Puffapod Spores too violently and sent them flying all over the floor. I stiffly tipped my scales a little, feeling very relieved that I had already added the stewed Mandrake (because if I had messed that up there would have been quite an explosion). Snape smirked, sensing my anxiety. "You're more ambitious than I would have thought. Not that your desire may be in vain, of course … Black's a bit grand for the likes of you, isn't he?" I clenched my teeth. "… Of course, one could admire your cunning in cooking up a plan like that. Well … I suppose that being helpful to Potter for your own benefit is still-"

"Don't even-!"

I stopped in mid-sentence, finding that my voice had come out a lot louder than I had meant it.

A few heads turned and Slughorn looked up, startled.

"Miss Comstock?"

I swallowed sharply. "Sorry, Professor ..."

Snape was sniggering beside me. I clenched my fists and didn't look at him. "Don't even talk to me," I muttered.

He smirked in an all-knowing sort of way and I knew he had already gotten the reaction he was looking for.

This was not a conversation I was interested in having. Or comfortable having, either. For one thing I had nothing to say about the incident in Hogsmeade. For another thing it just reminded me of my stupidity for confronting Evans. And then I didn't even want to know what he was playing at by bringing James and Sirius into it.

People had been asking. The story had spread pretty quick around the castle (I could kill that Mary Macdonald … ). I was actually surprised that it had taken Snape so long to bring it up. Other than Sirius, I hadn't talked to anyone about it. Except for Aubrey, of course, but that was quite a lame conversation.

_Bertram Aubrey: Why did you do it?_

_Holly Comstock (Me): (snaps end off Sugar Quill and chews blankly)_

_Aubrey: Why did you do it?_

_Me: … Shouldn't you be taking notes or something?_

_Aubrey: I can survive one class without. So why did you do it?_

_Me: (pause) I'm kinda vague on the whole thing myself, to be honest …_

_Aubrey: But – since when have you cared about the Evans-Potter story? … You know, when you said that you had been talking to Potter, I didn't think you meant … you made _friends_ with him?_

_Me: Please don't use the F word-_

_Aubrey: Are you, though?_

_Me: Yeah._

_Aubrey: Really?_

_Me: Of course not, you fucking idiot._

_Aubrey: Well thank heavens, I was getting worried. This is _you_ we're talking about, I mean._

_Me: …_

_Aubrey: So when the bloody hell did that happen?_

_Me: I suppose when we had that firewhiskey behind the-_

_Aubrey: You had WHAT?_

_Professor Binns: Settle down, Asquith._

_Aubrey: Sorry, Professor._

_Me: (sniggers)_

_Aubrey: You _drank_ with him? You are unbelievable._

_Me: Not _just_ him, obviously._

_Aubrey: Who else?_

_Me: (coughs) Sirius Black._

_Aubrey: …_

_Me: …_

_(pause)_

_Aubrey: HANG ON – _Potter's Head Boy_!_

_Me: (remembers there was a reason I didn't tell Aubrey about the general drinking and rule-breaking thing …)_

_Aubrey: (subconsciously wipes Prefect's badge and mutters under his breath that he always knew that that Potter boy shouldn't have been given the job)_

_Aubrey: Why did you do it?_

_Me: (sarcastically) I'm sorry, Aubrey, I'm an alcoholic. What do you-_

_Aubrey: I meant why did you have a go at Evans?_

_Me: Oh, _that._ No idea._

_Aubrey: …_

_Me: I'm thinking I temporarily left my body and was channelling some other spirit …_

_Aubrey: (gasps) Seriously?_

_Me: (slaps him upside the head) NO. _

_Aubrey: OK OK, but you say you sort of blanked out – So just _say _you actually were channelling a spirit, who do you think would have acted like that?_

_Me: I wasn't channelling anyone! I'm not playing the game. It was me losing my mind, I'm telling you._

_Aubrey: But who-_

_Me: I'm not playing the game._

_Aubrey: Go on._

_Me: You're supposed to be the smart one._

_Aubrey: I _am_ the smart one. Come on, who would it be?_

_Me: (stabs quill into textbook) Oswald Beamish._

_Aubrey: The pioneer for Goblins' Rights? Why would he care about Evans and Potter?_

_Me: You know, fighting against injustices._

_Aubrey: …_

_Me: He wouldn't care. You idiot. It was totally … like, Uric the Oddball or someone._

_Aubrey: (scratches nose) Who was he again?_

_Me: You know, that guy with the jellyfish hat … The point is I'm a mentaller._

_Aubrey: Mentalist. (pause) You know, you really are going to fail your NEWTs if you only learn the stuff on the backs of the Chocolate Frog Cards._

_Me: I know._

Snape didn't speak for the rest of the class, clearly relishing in his victory. That was perfectly all right with me. I stirred my potion until it became a light turquoise colour, and, feeling very satisfied with that, turned around to return the extra mint sprigs and Puffapod Spores to the supply cupboard behind me.

When I returned to my seat, I noticed that my cauldron was somehow suddenly inexplicably … _empty_.

I held my breath and stared into the dark pewter pot for a long moment. When I seemed to regain my senses I grabbed the ladle and stirred, but it moved swiftly in thin air. I grabbed a flask and dipped it slowly into the cauldron, hoping desperately that it would float on top of the thick (but, for some reason, invisible) potion. But instead it swept easily through nothingness and clanged to the bottom when I dropped it.

Inhaling sharply, I glanced hastily upwards to Slughorn's desk, where James and a few others were already handing up their antidotes. I looked back down at my table.

_Aparecium._

Oh please God.

"Aparecium!" I muttered frantically, pointing my wand inside the cauldron.

C_ome on. _

_Revelio. Specialis Revelio. _Oh for Christ's sake …

I raised my head and turned slightly, to see Snape smirking contently as he ladled his antidote into a flask.

I stared at him, the blood pumping dangerously hard through my head. I was seriously shaking now. I hadn't been this angry in … well, I had probably never been this angry.

I looked up to Slughorn's desk again, where three-quarters of the class had now given up their potions for examination. For a moment I stood there, too maddened to move. And then Slughorn turned around to adjust the flask stand.

I grabbed my bag from underneath the table and strode out of the door.

I marched quickly down the corridor, very much aware that I hadn't handled that all too well, but what could I do about it now? And I had no idea what else I could have done. How could I explain how my antidote just happened to vanish out nowhere very inconveniently? … At least I hadn't lost my head again. Twice in one week would have been really bad.

It was crazy enough for me to feel this angry _ever_.

I had walked halfway across the dungeon corridor very quickly, when after a few minutes I suddenly realised that there was another set of echoing footsteps behind me.

But classes hadn't ended yet.

I turned my head to look briefly behind me, and then halted. I twisted around and stared down the corridor, but it was completely empty.

Jesus Christ, I am going crazy.

I stood for a moment in silence, and closed my eyes and breathed. Disappearing footsteps was one thing. Relax, you little spaz. So Snape was an annoying sleaze but … well, what could I do about it? It didn't really matter, so why be angry?

I exhaled out all my suppressed rage and nodded to myself while turning back around and continuing on my way. There really was no need to get all worked up. And all the stuff he had been saying was just-

And there were the footsteps behind me again. I tensed up and slowed my pace as I approached the small staircase.

I took another quick look behind and almost jumped out of my skin.

James drew back a little and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry!"

I staggered backwards, my hand over my fluttering heart. "Jesus, James, you scared me!" How come I hadn't seen him just a moment before?

He scratched his head awkwardly. "You forgot your book," he said with a charming little wink.

"Oh! Er, thanks," I replied embarrassedly, taking the book and shoving it hastily into my bag.

James stepped a little closer and bowed his head down to me, searching my eyes with his. "Are you all right?"

I remembered the way I had overreacted and laughed a little breathlessly. "Yeah, I'm grand actually."

He raised one eyebrow and slowly shook his head. "You shouldn't let him get away with that."

I opened my mouth in surprise. How did he even know about that? "I – er – No, it's fine. You see, we do that all the time. We try wind each other up and it's – you know … It really doesn't matter," I said truthfully.

For some reason, this seemed very concerning to him. "It should," he said indignantly. "He's a little greasy git, he is, and he ought to be taught some decency!"

"It's not like I actually care, though," I reasoned.

James opened his mouth to keep arguing but then he stopped and placed a hand on my arm.

For a second I didn't know what was going on but then I heard the stampede of students coming out of class for lunch. We flattened ourselves against the wall of the narrow staircase and waited until they passed.

I stood looking around nonchalantly but James, being taller than me, fixed his glasses and peered through the crowd.

After a moment he seemed to find what he was looking for, and yelled heatedly towards the top of the stairs. "Oi, Snivellus! Get back here and apologise!"

I gaped at him and then looked up just in time to see the head of slick black hair disappearing out into the Entrance Hall, calling out coolly behind him, "And you tell me he's not your friend!"

Uh oh. I swallowed and James looked a bit confused. Then he made a move forwards and I grabbed his arm. "Please don't."

He made a face. But then I glanced down the corridor to see Sirius and Lupin strolling towards us. Sirius looked at us and then I saw his eyes narrow. I quickly let go of James's arm, blushing furiously.

Lupin smiled kindly at James and me as they approached, and Sirius stopped beside us. Lupin nodded politely to us and disappeared up the stairs.

Sirius stared up the stairs and for a moment I thought he was waiting for Lupin to be out of sight, but then he turned to me and said, "I could give him a good curse if you like."

I let out a burst of laughter. "Please don't."

Sirius shrugged. James was staring into space, ruffling his hair gently, and the other boy gave a small cough to get his attention and then nodded up the stairs.

James hesitated for a second and then turned back to me.

"I actually wanted to say," he began a little bashfully, "that I heard about what you said to Evans the other day … And I – er – I think it was really cool that you stood up for me like that."

"Oh … it was nothing really ..." I said. I glanced briefly at Sirius, who was staring at the ceiling and whistling a tune innocently. There was just the slightest trace of a smile on his lips.

It was almost annoying how absolutely right he had been.

James grinned and patted me on the arm. "You're a really good friend, Holly."

I laughed a little breathlessly. Friends was a bit of a strong word for this … whatever _this_ was.

He completely misinterpreted my nervous laugh and grinned at me. He pointed up the stairs. "Are you …?"

"Actually, I should go talk to Slughorn," I said quickly.

"Oh, OK," he said, and I couldn't help thinking that he sounded slightly disappointed.

"You're going to tell on Snivelly?" asked Sirius in confusion.

"Nah, I'll, er … make something up," I said.

He raised his eyebrows sceptically and James made a face that showed he wasn't even going to try and understand my intentions there. Instead he just waved a cheerful goodbye and headed off up the stairs, as Sirius nodded to me and followed him.

I retraced my steps back to the Potions lab and stood outside the door for a whole minute trying to plan an explanation, before knocking on the door and entering.

Slughorn turned around and drew back in surprise. "Ah, Holly! I noticed you didn't hand me up an antidote, my dear?"

"Er, yeah, sorry Professor. I wasn't feeling too well during class, you see. And then I suddenly felt, well, I needed to leave a little abruptly ..."

"Oh, of course, I understand! But then shouldn't you be heading to the Hospital Wing right now?"

I really really felt horrible for lying to Slughorn, but it wasn't such a bad lie, right? I mean, I had made the potion, it wasn't like I was just trying to skive off the work …

"Well, you see, I was going to head straight there but then I started feeling better as soon as I left the room. I think the fumes were getting to my head, you know. I'm very sorry, sir, I should have told you I was leaving but I just didn't think I had time before-"

"Not at all, my dear! I understand completely. I'm just glad you're feeling better, eh? And sure, you're well able for common antidotes at this stage, aren't you!"

He smiled at me with pride and I laughed. "Ah - er - yes, sir, I think I'm OK."

He patted his belly and beamed at me. "It's good to see you back to your old self again, Holly. You've been sort of quiet for a little while."

_You mean for the last two years? _"Er … yeah. Professor."

"And we've missed you at our get-togethers, too! But I hear you're still friends with young Aubrey?"

_Still_ friends? I wasn't even friends with Aubrey during the years I went to Slug Club! Even now I didn't really know if friends was really the right word for us. "Yeah, we're sort of … well we have a sort of study group sometimes. Erm, I'm sorry, sir, I would have liked to keep coming but, you know, I've just been had a lot to do with studying and everything ..."

"Not to worry, my dear girl! Although I would love to see you at one of my parties before the end of the year, you know – since it is your last year and all. Do you think you'd be able to make one?"

I breathed in, and bit back my answer. His face was still beaming buoyantly at me. "I'll see if I can, sir."

"Excellent!" he proclaimed. "Yes, yes, it's good to see you back on the social scene! I see that you and Snape get on very well!"

I laughed loudly and he sort of furrowed his eyebrows and I said, "We, er, get on, yeah."

He beamed. "And I hear that Mr Potter is awfully fond of you as well!"

I blenched. What the hell?

I didn't even want to know how Slughorn knew that James and I even knew each other.

"I like seeing you with good friends again," he said happily.

"I wouldn't say we're friends exactly," I said quickly.

He gave me a small smile and leaned forward. "You need not be so afraid of the word, my dear."

He looked down at me fondly and I inhaled a little before returning the smile.

"Excellent! Now off you trot, my girl, as I'm sure neither of us would like to be late for lunch!"

* * *

><p>I hope this doesn't seem like a load of filler ... But I feel like it's important to show the kind of blossoming friendship between Holly and the Marauders. Anyway, we're still in the James-Lily stage of this story, which means that if it's lots of Sirius you're after you'll have to wait a bit ... I do love a bit of Snape, though ;)<p>

This chapter was kinda hard because I was writing part of it while I was half-asleep waiting for Pottermore! (WOO!) And now we're at the stage where I no longer have each chapter planned down to the letter already before I even start writing! The point: I've been updating about twice a week up until now but now it'll start taking longer than that! Sorry! But I'll try my best to update as soon as I can :)

I hope you enjoy and keep reading xD And please review!


	7. About A Favour

**- Chapter Seven -**

**About A Favour**

No matter how much I valued Professor Slughorn's advice, I had still convinced myself that that would be the last time I would ever talk to James Potter or Sirius Black.

Seriously, it was getting out of hand. I had a yearly quota of Gryffindors that I had already WAY exceeded. So that was that so-called 'friendship'. Done and dusted. Back to my boring routine of eating, sleeping, going to classes, going to the library, and sleeping some more. And eating some more. ALONE. No random encounters with people whose problems were none of my business, to be perfectly honest.

So there I was on a perfectly ordinary day in my perfectly ordinary life, in the library. Minding my own business.

_Swish and flick._

A book rose lightly off the table and floated into the air. I directed it with my wand – with the sort of wonder only seen in a first year Charms class – until it hovered in front of a small gap in the massive bookshelf surrounding our desk, swaying slightly - and then when it was perfectly straight, I whipped my wand into the air and the book slid neatly into its place.

I turned back to the dwindling pile of books beside me and caught Aubrey glowering at me over the top of it.

"What are you doing?" he sighed in exasperation.

"I – um – you know. Preparing for the practical exams."

He raised one eyebrow mockingly. "With Hover Charms? That's first year stuff, that is."

"There was a Depulso in there as well," I added sheepishly.

"OK, fourth year, then," he answered, rolling his eyes. "You don't even do Charms any more!"

"Well _obviously _I was … er, practising some simple non-verbal spells," I said, smiling triumphantly.

He glared at me and then returned to his reading. "You knew non-verbal spells before the OWLs," he replied coolly.

"I –what?" I spluttered. Then I scoffed derisively. "No I didn't –Where the hell are you getting that from?"

He simply smirked. "First day of sixth year. History of Magic. You sat beside me. You summoned a quill from the bottom of your bag without saying a word."

I cursed him under my breath. Why did he have to remember stuff like that? Either that or he was bluffing because he knew _I_ wouldn't remember.

I folded my arms on top of the desk and lay my head comfortably in them. If I could just get through this year I'd be out there making something of my life – once I was free I could do whatever I wanted. But I just had to finish school first.

Hopefully with a few NEWTs under my belt.

I dragged a heavy volume of number charts towards me and made a messy heading on a fresh piece of parchment.

But I was just so _bored. _

I was staring into space for about ten minutes straight when suddenly I realised I had just pointed my wand at random – and Aubrey's left shirt sleeve was now bright pink.

He jerked back in surprise and then shot me a glare as he pointed his quill menacingly at me.

"I'm sorry," I moaned.

He shook his head in irritation."Argh, look, if you keep acting the maggot I'm gonna have to ask you to move tables!"

I grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I'll move now if you want ..."

He just shook his head again and went back to writing his essay.

I peered over his mountains of reference books to see if it was something I should be doing too, but it was just DADA stuff. I blew out my cheeks and lay my head on the table again.

A few minutes later, the corners of my parchment were smouldering.

Aubrey sniffed and glanced up at me, and then did a double-take.

I slapped myself in the face. "Damn it! I'm sorry, I really am. I think I'm going to leave now anyway, I was thinking of having an early lunch – having a little break, you know? I just don't feel like studying, know what-"

"Er, Holly," he muttered.

"- I mean? Yeah, I think I should go get some sugar, I'm finding it really hard to concentr – Er, what?"

"Someone's coming," he said carefully, barely opening his mouth.

"Madam Pince?" I whispered, looking down at my parchment again and hastily scrunching it into a ball. I was already on the librarian's list for failing to recognise the volume limitations of my own voice.

He shook his head, still staring past me. And then -

"Hiya, Holly!"

I stared at the table while trying to convince myself it wasn't the voice I thought it was. Not in the library. No way …

Frowning, I looked up after the longest pause I could risk without seeming rude or deaf or just retarded, to see James Potter standing in front of the desk, grinning widely. He was bobbing up and down slightly, looking way too excited to exist in the library. By his side but just slightly behind him stood Sirius, scanning the room dully with his grey eyes.

Why? Just why were they here? And it wasn't a friendly we-were-just-passing-by-and-thought-we'd-say-hello kind of thing. They were firmly planted on the floor and looking like they meant business.

"Hellooo," I said slowly.

I glanced at Aubrey and he raised his eyebrows with a sly smile. I scowled a little, knowing he must have noticed the first-name usage.

I looked up again and smiled awkwardly. James scratched his head, knocking his glasses a little, and grinned. "Actually, I was wondering if I could have a word," he said matter-of-factly.

I looked down at my barely started Arithmancy homework.

"Outside," he continued.

"I'm actually quite busy here," I teased. "What is it you want to talk about?"

"Yes, you look very busy," put in Sirius, nodding to my blank parchment which was still smoking slightly.

At that Aubrey joined in. "But Holly, didn't you just say you were leaving now anyway?"

I glared at him for a moment. But I grinned in submission as I looked back up at James and Sirius. Sirius straightened the collar of the off-white shirt he was wearing and threw out his chest a little. James pushed the sleeves of his striped jumper up to his elbows and fixed his glasses. They exchanged a glance and I suddenly felt a very strange sense of foreboding.

Then James made a quick move for the wand sticking out of the pocket of his jeans and I instinctively grabbed for my own.

I focused wildly the first thing that came into my head, (_Anteoculatia!) _before his spell seemed to hit me with a physical force. He staggered a little. A split second later I doubled over and almost whacked my head off the desk, my hands clutching my stomach.

Invisible fingers were scrabbling at my sides as lightly as feathers, and my entire abdominal region was cramping up in pain and protest against the tickles. One hand shot to my mouth as I tried to desperately stifle the mingled screams of pain and of laughter that threatened to escape me, and as I squirmed I ended up falling out of my chair and onto the floor.

All my breath was in my mouth and I knew I couldn't hold it in for long or else I would literally suffocate. Before I could help it I had gasped in a load of air and then let out the cries of mirth, but somehow no sound came out of my mouth.

I rolled around, bent double and cracking up noiselessly, and then I looked up just in time to see Sirius quickly lowering his wand and dashing towards me. I had barely acknowledged how relieved and slightly impressed I was at his well-timed use of a Silencing Charm before I pointed my wand at him and thought, _Colloshoo!_

He staggered suddenly and then stumbled over his own feet onto the floor. My eyes were streaming now and I just saw James throw one hand protectively over the top of his head before rushing forward and grabbing me by the arm. He dragged me up off the floor and even though my body was instinctively trying to curl up into a ball, he forced me to lean on him as I struggled to stay upright, his grip firm around my shoulders. I obliged to be steered around extensive bookcases towards the exit, vaguely glad that we had been in a far, secluded corner of the library as we walked as naturally as we could past the librarian's desk and then fell out of the door.

Down the corridor, James threw open a tapestry and pulled me into a small alcove that I never knew existed. There, I let myself collapse on the floor and to roll over in pain. My sides were splitting but at least I could breath again. I didn't know what was going on at James's end of the miniature duel but I didn't really care either. (The bastard). At some point the Silencing Charm wore off and my mixed swears came streaming out in stifled groans.

Eventually, after a considerable few minutes of torture recovery, I wiped my wet face and got up a little shakily. A moment later Sirius swung the tapestry open and trudged in with difficulty to join us, wiping his feet on the floor as he went and leaving trails of a sticky green substance behind him.

He glowered at me. "What is your problem? I didn't even do anything!"

But I could see from his eyes that he was laughing and he couldn't stop the grin from cracking across his face.

"I'm sorry!" I laughed. "It was self-defence! But you should be glad that I was writhing on the ground in pain, because if I had been concentrating, your feet would be still stuck to the floor back there for at least half an hour."

"Yeah, I'm very glad you're so ticklish," he goaded, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "That was a good move, Ja-"

We both looked over at James and froze. For a moment Sirius stared at his friend, and then he exploded into raucous laughter. I slapped a hand over my mouth which was still sore from grinning.

A perfect pair of antlers were sticking out of his messy black hair, spread branch-like and still forming as we watched, like two trees growing in fast-motion. When they were at a reasonable size they slowed down and then stopped altogether.

Sirius took a moment out of rolling on the floor to point at his friend and choke out, "Prongs!"

James laughed harshly. He turned to me and made a face that was somewhere in between a grin and a grimace. "Would you fix this already?" he shot out impatiently, pointing to his head.

I was still trying not to laugh and Sirius was not helping. "What? Your hair looks fine, mate," I grinned. James clenched his teeth and I rolled my eyes. "All right, I'm sorry, it should wear off pretty soon. And don't worry about it; antlers really suit you!"

Sirius laughed all the louder and James scowled. I would have felt bad but that Tickling Charm was real torture! I felt worse about Sirius's good leather shoes which were now squelching ectoplasm all over the stone floor.

When Sirius finally stopped laughing, I said, "Er, I'm sorry about your shoes."

"You should be," he replied, his voice suddenly cold. But he still couldn't keep a straight face and immediately grinned and rubbed his face with one hand. "It's fine, I'm sure ectoplasm comes off leather."

He kicked out a foot in disgust and then hopped on the spot to examine the shoe more closely.

James cleared his throat and turned on me with his arms folded. "Now, that was all very unnecessary, don't you think?"

"Yeah," I replied. "Since I was willing to come quietly before you went and ambushed me."

He opened his mouth to retort but Sirius looked up and cut across him in a loud voice. "Well now that we're all here can we please just get down to business?"

James didn't say anything.

"Er, yeah. So what was it that you wanted?" I asked casually.

James looked at me and his scowl slowly turned into a grin. He exchanged a look with Sirius, who rolled his eyes and continued wiping his shoes off the corner of the wall.

Antlers bobbing, James turned back to me.

"I actually wanted to ask you a favour," he said importantly.

I paused for a moment. I really had no idea what he could possibly want from me in terms of a favour. Well, if it had anything to do with talking to Lily Evans I was out.

"You just attacked me in the library," I said, grinning. "Why should I do you a favour?"

James's confidence seemed to waver a little, and he glanced at Sirius - who was still busy with his shoes - before saying in a hopeful voice, "Because you're a really, really, _really_ nice person?"

I laughed a little. Sirius siphoned the rest of the ectoplasm away with his wand and then admired the effect, before returning his attention to the conversation.

James had his big brown eyes out again. "And did I already mention that I love you and you're the best fr-"

"OK, OK! What's this favour?"

James took a deep breath and then looked thoughtful for a moment. He contemplated me with a small smile. "Well, you see … I hear that you're the best in the year at Divination."

I stopped and stared at him for a moment, wondering if I had simply heard him wrong. And then I burst out laughing, holding my aching stomach muscles. "You're having a laugh! Where'd you hear that from?"

"Oh, everyone says it," he said calmly, though he seemed a little thrown off by my behaviour. "Well, are you?"

I stopped laughing. "Er … Well I get good enough grades," I said carefully. When he didn't say anything for a moment I continued. "Is this related to the favour?"

"Oh, yes," he said mysteriously. He swelled excitedly as he lowered his head and grinned. "You … are going … to tell … my future!"

He nodded and beamed, as if it was the most spectacular treat any of us could have thought of.

I stared at him for at least three full minutes in silence, trying to understand what he could possibly mean by that. When I couldn't figure it out, I started laughing again.

James folded his arms and tapped his foot until I stopped.

I studied him, shaking my head. "How's that a favour?" I asked.

His face lit up again. "Well, you can look into my future, and see when I get with Evans! And you'll see how I win her over in the end, so then I'll know how to do it! Because," he added hastily, "I know I _will_ get with her at some point. I just need to know _when_ … and, er, _how_ …"

I groaned a little and rubbed my neck awkwardly. "But if you think you're destined to get with her or something, then shouldn't it just happen without-"

"Holly, I'm desperate here!" he whined. "I just need a bit of hope to keep me going! Do you want me to lose hope? _Do you_?"

I shook my head and made a face.

"Look," I started, and then paused for a long moment.

James watched me attentively and I met his eyes painfully.

I took a deep breath before starting again. "You know Divination is a load of shit, right?"

James blinked and opened and closed his mouth a few times. I looked at Sirius and he was staring at me sternly with his eyebrows lowered.

"If it's a load of shit then why do you take it?" he asked bluntly.

"Because I can literally make it up as I go along," I answered. He continued to stare and I laughed a little timidly. "You know, learn a few symbols and pretend you know what you're talking about."

James was still acting like he had been hit over the back of the head with a broomstick.

Sirius just gaped at me, eyebrows almost reaching his hairline now. "You're a complete chancer," he said breathlessly. He turned to James, his face torn between a serious expression and a slightly baffled smile. "She's a complete chancer!"

He looked back at me and shook his head, smiling. He looked almost impressed. I made a weird sort of laugh in my throat.

"I never would have expected it from you," he said in mock-outrage. "But then again, I never would have thought you were a big drinker either, but you proved me wrong on that ..."

Then James seemed to come to his senses and waved a hand dismissively at his friend, while still staring fixedly at me. "Just answer one question. Have you ever in your life seen anything in a crystal ball?"

I opened my mouth and then almost immediately closed it again.

James grinned triumphantly. "That's a good enough answer for me!"

There was a pause. "That wasn't an answer!" said Sirius and I at the same time.

"Well it's good enough for me," he said, smiling contently. "Now, go get your things and we can get started straight away!"

He turned around and headed out from behind the tapestry.

"What, so I don't even get a choice in this?" I called.

"No!"

Sirius held open the tapestry for me and I huffed a little. He smirked and rolled his eyes. "Don't you know us at all?"

"Not really," I replied, a little affronted. "So you're just using me for my Seeing abilities, am I right?"

James spun on the spot halfway down the hall, looking very offended. "No way! We're not users!"

"Yeah," drawled Sirius sarcastically, "this is just his excuse to hang out with you some more."

"Oh my-" James started furiously, and made to hit Sirius but he dodged it, smirking nastily.

"Honestly, guys, I don't care in the slightest. But I'm just saying, there's loads of other people in the year who are good at Divination and are way more into it than I am!"

"Yes, but you're our favourite," James replied with a wink.

Sirius snorted.

I followed James, whose antlers had now shrunk almost all the way back into his head, back to the door of the library and, reluctantly, I entered.

I thought vaguely of just sitting back down and continuing with my work, but they were still right behind me. I greeted Aubrey somewhat wearily.

"Sorry we're stealing this one from you, mate," said James, nudging me playfully.

Aubrey stared at me with a knowing smirk that made me want to strangle him."Oh, not at all. That is _quite_ all right."

I threw my bag over my back with a grimace. "Sorry about disturbing you again. But don't mind me, I'm just being forced to divine the future against my will." I picked up my books and James immediately took them from me. I didn't know if he was just being nice or if it was a means of making sure I didn't make a run for it.

"See you, Aubrey!" he said cheerfully.

"Bye," I muttered.

Down the hall a few minutes later I said, "I really was trying to study, you know."

Sirius grinned at me. "Yeah. Studying your _boyfriend_ ..."

I choked, half-laughing and half-dying. "My _what?"_

"Your boyfriend Bertram," he sang, clasping his hands together and gazing dreamily into the distance.

I laughed loudly. "Ha. I think I might vomit."

He just raised his eyebrows and smirked arrogantly.

"You can think of this as studying if you like," mused James. "I mean, how often do you get to put this stuff into real-life practice? It's a great opportunity, really."

"But I could do this whenever I want," I reasoned.

He waved a hand dismissively.

A few minutes later Sirius said, "Why do I have to be part of this?"

"Why do _I _have to be part of this?" I asked, grinning.

"Shut up you two," was all James answered.

Sirius groaned loudly and dragged his feet along the ground.

I watched him for a moment, suddenly getting a revelation. I had thought more than once that Sirius didn't like me much, mostly because he acted a bit standoffish sometimes when I was with them. But so far, I had only ever been talking to them about something James had in his head about Lily Evans. He had definitely been a bit off that first night in the kitchens. Well, I couldn't really blame him if he was simply bored of James's long-term crush, could I? I could see how that could get old pretty quickly.

But now that I think about it, James is a little bit … domineering, isn't he? A lot of the times when I was talking to both of them, it felt almost like Sirius wasn't even there. Maybe it was just too easy for Sirius to step into the background when the attention was on James. Which seemed to be the case a lot of the time … It seemed that James's problems were always a dominant conversation topic between them.

His words about the situation came back into my head. _He's my best friend. _Well, I suppose that's not something I can understand. And I had decided after last time that I would stop trying to figure Sirius Black out, because it just didn't work. But … still. He wasn't a quiet guy, that much was clear. And yet he would often withdraw from these conversations.

"Where are we going anyway?" I said, after wandering purposefully down random corridors and staircases for a while.

James turned around and stared at me. "Are you joking? I was following you!"

"Then why are you leading us?" I exclaimed.

James shook his head in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

"No …" I said slowly. "I'm Holly."

He opened his mouth but Sirius cut in. "Where are we going?"

We all stood for a few seconds, looking around blankly.

"… The Divination room?" I offered.

James and Sirius exchanged a significant look of the sort that one could only associate with best friends or very close siblings; the type that makes you convinced they can read each other's minds.

Or maybe they just knew Legilimency.

"I dunno. Professor Mopsus seemed a right sight happy to see the back of us after the OWLs."

"Even if he is blind."

"Especially after the incident with the Nose-Biting Teacups-"

"-Or when we dropped a bag of Fizzing Whizzbees in the teapot-"

"-Or when all the crystal balls mysteriously disappeared from the room and then turned up at the Slytherin Quidditch team training session-"

"-Or when your star chart got too friendly with Uranus-"

"-No, that was you! My stars always told me I was going to snog Evans that week-"

"-And mine always said I'd persecute a bunch of Slytherins-"

"-At least yours always came true. Oh, and your palm said you'd marry your cousin-"

"-Urgh, and yours said you'd drop dead of happiness just after Evans finally agreed to go out with you-"

"-Shut up! And you were going to become a homicidal maniac-"

"-Ah, yes, that's always been the dream."

" Not to mention the Exploding Potion that _accidentally_ fell into that perfumed fire of his-"

"- Blew apart half the room, it did."

"I always wondered who did that," I said.

They looked around at me as if they had forgotten that I was there. Sirius gave a small sigh.

There was another silence before he said, "So where to?"

I paused. "Well ... it depends on what method you want to use, really. We don't have to use crystal balls and things, we could easily just go to the Great Hall and get some tea. Leaves, I mean. It's all the same."

James made a thoughtful noise but then made a face. He smiled hopefully at me. "I was sort of hoping we could do the whole lot. We could make a day of it!"

I scratched the back of my neck. "They're all the same thing, though. We shouldn't need to use loads of methods to give us the same answer."

"If you think different methods will give us the same answer, then that doesn't sound like it's a load of shit," said Sirius.

I shook my head and smiled weakly. "I just … I don't want to get your hopes up or anything. It's not going to be concrete information. We won't be able to find out the exact way in which Lily Evans falls for you. It's all down to interpreting pictures, you know?"

"Don't you worry about that," said James. "I know you'll do your best."

I made a face. He really shouldn't trust me so much. "Well, we still don't have a crystal ball. But we could still do – er, let's see – tessomancy, palmistry, cartomancy … er, dream interpretation …" My voice faded out unimpressively and I realised just how bad this was going to be.

I looked up at Sirius to see him scratching his chin in thought. He glanced up and looked from James to me and back. "Well … The other night when I was .. er, coming back from the kitchens," (he hesitated, shooting me a significant look before turning back to James) "I was up on the seventh floor and saw" (he stopped again and exchanged a glance with James) "I mean, I _heard_ Filch coming, so I hid out in this little broom cupboard." James and I looked at each other, wondering if this story had a point to it. "And there were some dusty old crystal balls in there," he added.

I wondered briefly if Sirius had ever told James about our meeting down in the kitchens that night.

We all looked at each other, and James said, "OK! So will we go get them?"

"Sure," I said slowly, "but where are we going to go after that?"

"We can figure that out when we get there," replied James, waving his hand in my face and heading off towards the Grand Staircase.

Along the seventh floor corridor, Sirius stopped suddenly and turned around. He walked backwards, staring at the wall.

"It was right here," he said, looking around.

I stopped and turned around as well. Sirius was carefully studying the blank wall of the hallway. Opposite him, some of the trolls in the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy had turned around and were now watching us. Barnabas himself clumsily tipped his hat to me, looking a little dishevelled.

"Maybe it's just up here," said James from up ahead.

Sirius shook his head in confusion. "Mm ..." He walked back to us uncertainly.

He reached my side but I hadn't moved. I was gazing transfixed at the wall opposite the tapestry, out of which an intricate, polished door had just appeared out of nowhere.

He must have noticed my distraction because he spun around and let out a cry of triumph, and headed for the door.

"That was not there a second ago," I said quietly.

James passed me in a rush and made for the door, which Sirius had just pulled open by the brass handle, grinning widely.

James disappeared quickly into the mysterious room, and Sirius indicated into it with his head to me before following.

I stared at the open door and then around the corridor. Some of the trolls in the tapestry were grunting and hooting at me now.

I grimaced and walked forwards towards the door and followed the two boys into it.

* * *

><p>Sorry for the delay on this one! My computer decided to commit suicide halfway through the week, but it's all good now! I hope this chap was especially good to compensate :D<p> 


	8. Divination in the Broomstick Cupboard

**- Chapter Eight -**

**Divination in the Broomstick Cupboard**

The room beyond was most definitely not a broomstick cupboard.

Instead, a decent-sized room met my eyes as I stepped through the appearing door. It was about half the size of a normal classroom, with dim lighting and soft, earthy colours. Most of the dark wooden floor was covered in a thick, luxurious threadbare rug, and in the middle of the room were three squashy armchairs all gathered around a small coffee table. Opposite the door was a wall entirely lined with bookshelves that reached the ceiling, crammed full of books from thin paperbacks to massive leather-bound volumes. To the left was a huge fireplace with a gentle, cosy little blaze flickering inside of it. A few patterned boxes were scattered delicately around the hearth. On the other side, another set of low tables were spread out from wall to wall.

"Look at this," called James, waving avidly for me to join him by the tables. I walked over cautiously and looked at the various objects that filled them. "We've got a few decks of cards – tarot and ordinary," he said, pointing along the display, "dice and runes; er, a glass bowl of water and some candles; a crystal ball …" I looked up from the table to see him smiling and nodding happily. "And three teacups and a large pot!"

He picked up the teapot and looked into it, frowning to find it empty.

I shook my head in disbelief.

He put down the pot, still frowning. Evidently, he was thinking very deeply. "This is … really …" he started in a low voice, his tone suspicious as he looked all around the room, "_cool_."

I blinked at him. "It's a bit … convenient, don't you think?"

He glanced up from examining a large glass orb which contained (what appeared to be) a scale replica of the solar system, and said, "Yes, it's that too. Hey, Padfoot, what are the books about?"

Sirius was walking along the back of the room, scanning the bookshelves with his hands clasped behind his back. "Divination," he replied briefly.

I left James's side and went to examine the various spines. _Portenta and Ostenta – Foretelling Great Calamities, Specula and Spirits, A Manual of Cartomancy and Occult Divination, Judicial Astrology, Haruspicy – Entrails of Knowledge _… There was even a copy of _the Aeneid_ up there for Christ's sake!

And then I bumped into something sideways and almost lost my balance. Sirius jumped a little in surprise and looked at me with a curious expression; we had been walking in opposite directions towards the centre of the shelves and hadn't noticed each other until we collided.

"Sorry," I said rather breathlessly. Sirius opened his mouth slightly, his eyebrows raised, and then he stepped around me to keep strolling away and examining the books.

I swallowed and turned hastily back to the shelf, blushing uncontrollably for SOME STRANGE REASON.

I reached the fireplace and picked up one of the fancy patterned tins on the floor.

"What are those?" asked James.

"Herbs and things," I said, sniffing the contents. James furrowed his brow. "For smoke patterns, I think."

Sirius stopped at the other end of the bookshelf and looked around, his eyes lingering on the three armchairs, and then on the three cups.

"This is mad," he said in a low voice.

He looked at James and then at me.

James was examining a china bowl full of a gooey red and brownish substance, which I decided not to tell him was most likely bird entrails.

He put down the bowl and cleared his throat. "Hey, Padfoot, is this the broom cupboard you were talking about?"

Sirius turned his glare to his friend and pursed his lips slightly in thought. "It's not a broom cupboard, no."

"Have you ever been in this room before?"

Sirius paused. "No … Not _this _room, I don't think."

"Yeah. Yeah, I've never seen it _mapped_ out either, if you know what I mean."

Sirius rolled his eyes, and I wasn't really getting their hidden meanings and ambiguities so I decided not to ask.

I looked around and noticed that we were each standing by one of the three walls; me by the fireplace, James by the tables of Divination gadgets and Sirius by the books. I looked back at the door.

"This place knew we were coming," I said.

For a moment we all looked around in silence. Sirius was nodding to himself and he managed to catch my eye just before James cleared his throat loudly and said, "Well, this is all very interesting …"

Sirius and I looked at James, who was ruffling his hair and glancing expectantly between the two of us.

He clapped his hands together. "But now that we're here, can we get started on what we actually came for in the first place?"

I looked at Sirius, because in all honesty I was really quite curious about this room and would kind of like to figure out what the hell was going on with it. It was one thing to have a random room filled with a load of Divination supplies – I mean, that could easily just be Professor Mopsus's private second classroom or something (even though I knew it really wasn't) – but, _really_, armchairs waiting for _three_ people to be seated, _three_ cups of tea waiting to be poured? That was just – And how did the door just appear out of nowhere like that? I know this castle is great and full of surprises and look behind every door blah blah blah but, _really_, it didn't do shit like this. I've been here for seven years and I've never seen anything like this.

And, well, in all honesty I had kind of guessed – or hoped, maybe – that Sirius might be just as curious about it as I was. And it wasn't just because I didn't want to tell James his future, because I had pretty much come to terms with that by now.

So I looked rather hopefully at Sirius who was looking at James who was still standing expectantly with his hands clasped in front of him. And Sirius's face seemed to glaze over and then he shrugged, and James nodded decidedly and held up the teapot again.

"Tea?" he offered sweetly.

_Note to self: STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND SIRIUS BLACK BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!_

I forced a smile at James as Sirius tapped his foot on the ground and then turned back to the bookcase.

I was just about to ask if we should head down to the kitchens to make the tea, when James called out, "Hey, Biddy?"

I blinked at him, completely bewildered, and vaguely wondered if this was one of the weird nicknames they called each other. But then there was a large _crack _and a tiny figure appeared beside him.

The house-elf's ears were waggling excitedly. "James Potter, sir!" she squeaked. "What is it that Biddy can do for you?"

James grinned lazily and handed her the teapot. "Fetch us a cuppa, will you?"

"Of course, James Potter, sir! Right away, sir!" Biddy looked around and gave a slight start when she saw Sirius, which she quickly turned into a tiny curtsy even though Sirius had his back to her. Her huge eyes then landed on me and I smiled sort of awkwardly, she gave a small giggle and curtsied again, and then gave one last one to James before disappearing with a resounding crack.

Sirius pulled the _Sigillum Mysteriorum _from the shelf and strolled over to fall into one of the armchairs. James looked around contently and then did the same.

I hovered uncertainly for a moment before following their lead and collapsing into the last armchair.

It was more comfortable than the library chairs, that's for sure.

And this was probably the weirdest situation I have ever found myself in. Weirder than randomly drinking behind the greenhouses, or helping James Potter (of all people) with his love life, or chastising Lily Evans. Or having a miniature duel in the library.

We were in a magically appearing room that had set itself out just for us, waiting on our tea to be brought to us by a house-elf so that we could see what the future had in store for James and Lily Evans.

And I still didn't believe that these two boys were my friends. You can tell me I've got commitment issues all you like, but this was still casual acquaintanceship to me. We were on opposite sides of the Quidditch pitch. For one, they were James Potter and Sirius Black. They were Gryffindors, and they were legends and they were just not my type. And maybe that sounds not very like a Hufflepuff thing to say, but I'm not the one who decides these things. It's an unspoken rule that they usually stick with their friends and I usually … well, I usually stick to myself. Their little group always seemed so selective or something. But then again, how many times had I hung out with them since the start of the year, and where were Lupin and Pettigrew?

That was quite odd, actually.

But, it's not like I had anything against these two either. When I say they're not my type I just mean that we weren't really compatible as friends. For one thing I didn't really do the whole friendship thing, if you haven't noticed. But that didn't mean we couldn't be acquaintances. Acquaintances were good. Acquaintances who hang out in kitchens and behind greenhouses and in secret rooms. Friends were more out there for the world to see. I was cool with this, I suppose.

Still, it was an odd combination. James there, with his shortish black hair sticking up in every direction, his glasses and his boyish good looks. Sirius with his striking grey eyes, his hair a bit longer than James's but not too long either – which he would occasionally run his hands through, pushing it back from his face only for it to fall casually back into his eyes a moment later. There was something almost regal about him, whether it was just his slightly hollow cheeks or his straight jawline and pale skin, or the large, slightly creased shirt tucked into plain black trousers – not jeans – with a small silver chain running from his waistband into his pocket. Usually he was even more refined, though. I always thought he dressed a little like Hamlet but cooler. I know this was the wizarding world and fashion trends were pretty much non-existent, but I had never seen anyone dress like that before. Not a teenager, anyway. Casual and formal at the same time, and it suited him very very well – even if I didn't like to admit it. But James and I were both just wearing jeans with huge holes in the knees, worn-out trainers and knit jumpers. Ah, me. Me who couldn't remember what I looked like until I checked in the mirror. I suppose that's just how memorable I am, that I can't even remember my own face. Me with my hair that couldn't decide whether it was dark blonde or light brown or ginger, even, and fair skin and freckles. I might be able to look normal enough with James alone, but with the two of them together, I wasn't so sure.

And at the same time, I quite liked them. They had good banter. Many of the Hufflepuffs I knew were a little too sensitive, they seemed all fun and jokes but they just couldn't take it when you try to rip the piss out of them. This was different; and besides it scaring me a little, I quite enjoyed it.

I tapped my fingers idly on the arm of the chair, feeling very relaxed in the low lights of the room and the warmth of the fire behind me. Sirius rifled through the book as if he was almost too bored to even try, but not quite. James looked around with a slight smile on his face. His eyes landed on me.

"So. Where to begin?"

"I'm not doing the bird entrails," I said quickly, and we grinned at each other. "And the herbal fires give me headaches."

"Stop making excuses," he said with a teasing glint in his eyes.

"What, you want me to search through the innards of your lovely pet owl, do you?"

Sirius looked up from his book and stuck his tongue out of his mouth, while James on the other hand leaned forward in his chair and held out his hand to me.

I raised one eyebrow at him, and when I didn't take his hand he gave a strained smile and rested it on the coffee table.

"I know you're reluctant to do this, but you don't need to worry. I just need to know, you know?" I laughed a little and he grinned. "And don't worry about Lily," he continued, as if reading my mind, "because I know I'm gonna get her somehow. She is the girl I am going to spend the rest of my life with and I will not rest until I do. I'm a man who believes in destiny, you see. And I believe that there's a reason for everything. So there was a reason that _you_ were brought to me this year, Holly. You were always around, but this year we've run into each other too many times, and no, it's not random. There was a reason why we've become friends this year. _This _is why. And this is meant to happen."

He nodded solemnly, with one hand on his knee and the other still on the table. I scratched my head. "Lovely speech, James, but save it for Evans. She won't be able to say no if you talk to her like that."

James smiled a little awkwardly at me, as if unsure whether or not I was kidding. Sirius raised his eyebrows for a moment and, when I let out a laugh, he smiled.

"So we've got the tea leaves – coming soon," said James, counting on his fingers. "We've got your cartomancy stuff over there, and if you like palmistry, well, I've got two." He waved his hands and winked.

I laughed. "Your palms won't tell you anything about anything."

"But it's fun," said he.

And so we ended up spending half an hour staring at our hands and twisting them around to see the lines better in the lights – which incidentally seemed to get a lot brighter all of a sudden. Very convenient, that was.

"Is that my life line? Merlin's Beard it's tiny!" exclaimed James. We had all somehow slid off our chairs and onto the floor, and were now sitting sprawled out on the rug with our backs against the armchairs. He waved his hand in my face.

"Hold it still, would you?"

I examined his hand and then laid it down on the coffee table beside mine.

"Yours is tiny too! Hey Sirius, let's see yours!"

So Sirius laid his hand on the table and we all leaned over to stare at our life lines.

"That's no fair," said James, swatting Sirius's hand away.

"I shall live longer than any man before me!" said Sirius in a booming voice, sitting up on his knees with his fist in the air.

James made to hit him.

I was still staring closely at my own palm. "Yeah, but I've read that some cultures choose the life lines to show vitality of spirit – not how long a person lives."

"Ha ha! I hope you die before me, you son of a –"

"My spirit's still more vital than yours, mate," retorted Sirius. He shoved his hand in James's face for emphasis.

"Yeah, well my this line is stronger than yours! What's this one, Holly?"

"Fate line."

"Ha ha! Your fate line -"

"That only means your life is ruled by destiny and crap. You've got no free will!"

"That's not what it means! Is it, Holly?"

I took a large amount of tea and almost choked.

"Well, these ones look about the same on us," said James thoughtfully. He and Sirius were sitting on the floor with their heads together.

I peered over. "Those ones are love lines."

James's face turned stony and he and Sirius looked at each other in disgust, and I literally laughed out loud at their faces.

"That means you guys are soul mates," I sang.

Sirius simply made retching noises and James made faces for about ten minutes before yelling, "Excuse me, I'm not a fucking poof!"

Sirius spluttered and said, "I hate to fucking break it to you – but neither am I!"

"Merlin, relax! I was joking; those lines just show emotional wisdom or some crap."

James looked sideways at Sirius and snorted. "This _is_ bullshit. He's got about as much experience as a -"

"Me? You and your hand doesn't count as experience, Prongs."

"Why you little -"

James threw himself at Sirius and they scuffled on the ground for a moment. "Erm …" I started, and then shrugged and returned to my tea.

They resurfaced in fits of laughter, and I decided that boys weren't meant to be understood.

"I'm sick of palmistry," said James with a grimace.

"Grand, have you finished your tea?" I asked him

"Yeah, but then I got bored and poured myself some more!"

I rubbed my face. "Right, d'you wanna do the crystal ball thing now, then?"

"No, that's for later!"

"What now, then?"

James didn't say anything, but smiled at me.

I shook my head, and reached for my bag which I had thrown by the side of the chair. "I got these cards, if you want … They're not proper tarot or anything, but I like 'em."

James sat up a little straighter and shuffled towards the table. Sirius stretched and leaned back against his armchair, resting his hands behind his head. "You think Divination is shit yet you carry around tarot cards in your bag?"

I glared at him and threw my bag away, shuffling the deck. "They're so ambiguous you can hardly call it Divination."

"Well, I definitely wanna have a go," said James, laughing. He slapped at my hands until I gave him the deck and then he started shuffling.

He made a face and flipped through the cards. "There's only eight of them."

"Yeah. Just shuffle and think of a question."

"Do I say it out loud?"

"Sure go on."

He closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath, turning the cards over and over in his hands.

"You're pretty shit at shuffling," interjected Sirius.

"Oh, and you might wanna make the question vague," I added, "because the answer's gonna be pretty vague."

"What's going to happen -" said James in a loud voice. Sirius and I exchanged a look. "- with me and Lily," he finished.

He opened his eyes slowly and gave a bracing smile. I nodded and he handed me back the cards with wide eyes.

I laid out five cards in a cross shape on the table and threw the others away.

"The ones on either side of the middle card are past and future events," I said. James nodded attentively and Sirius stared solemnly at the cards. "The cards above and below are people involved."

"And the middle card?" asked James.

"That's just the question card."

"What does it do?" asked Sirius lazily.

"It might tell you something more about the question you're asking, maybe something that you didn't even realise yourself." I grinned and laughed a bit. "I'm making that up. Are you ready for this?"

We all sat up straighter and bent our heads over the coffee table. I reached out and flipped over the middle card.

We all leaned closer to the table and peered down at it.

"Fire," I said. "Strength, unity, loyalty."

James adjusted his glasses and jabbed at the card with his finger. "But this side says 'tyranny, anarchy, rigidity.'"

"Yeah, but we only read one side because otherwise it makes even less sense."

James wrinkled his brow and stared at the card. "All right," he said, and crawled over to sit down beside me on my side of the coffee table. "So we read it from this side, yeah?"

"Sure. So strength, unity loyalty."

James ruffled his hair absentmindedly for a moment, before turning his eyes on me with a lost smile. "What does that mean?"

"Well, what do you think it means? What's gonna happen with you and Lily. Strength … Unity … Loyalty. That's the question."

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, unity is good … Loyalty is good. Me and Lily … in union …"

I nodded and frowned. "I told you it was shit. Let's do the next one."

James reached across me and flipped over the past card.

"Past card; cold. Coldness, idleness, stubbornness." I thought for a second or two. "Well, that's Evans there, d'you think?"

James blinked at the card. "Oh – yeah … she's been stubborn, right?"

"In the past," I said thoughtfully. "Maybe that means she's not cold or stubborn presently … Or maybe it doesn't."

"That's good. Yeah, I like that," said James. He looked up at me and grinned. "Merlin, I never would have thought of that. You're amazing."

I let out a short laugh and then flipped over the card on the right of the centre.

"Fuck," I muttered, leaning back.

James got to his knees and almost banged heads with Sirius as they leaned over and looked at the card.

"Regression, instability, an enemy?" said Sirius, reading the heat card upside-down and sideways. He knit his brow and stared at the card. James's face fell.

"Don't worry about it," I said quickly. "I've been getting that card in the same spot for a year or so. Over and over again."

"Really?" asked James curiously. I nodded. "Why?"

I shrugged.

Sirius folded his arms and scratched his chin. "Well, maybe it means there's something huge gonna happen in the future which gets in the way of everything else. This enemy …"

I ran my hand through my hair and picked up the card to examine it. Heat. The picture was of a phoenix, and the border was split horizontally in half with one side black and one white and the words running around it.

"That … actually makes a lot of sense," I said slowly. "So this regression's gonna have a massive effect on the future. It's nothing to do with you and Lily as individuals, but it's something outside of all of our control, right? Because when I say it's come up every time I do this, I mean _every_ time. This enemy …"

James plucked the card out of my hand and examined it closely.

"Like a war," said Sirius.

He and James shared a look.

"You mean like that guy … er, whatshisname?"

"Who?" asked James and Sirius at the same time.

I rubbed my face in exasperation. "Argh, you know your man – Voldy-something …"

For a moment they stared at me, and then they exchanged another look and erupted into laughter.

"Everyone's supposed to be shit-scared of the name and you call him _Voldy-something!_" cried James, wiping his eyes a few minutes later.

"Well, how can I remember his name if nobody ever says it?"

They just kept laughing. "_Voldemort_," said James with a smirk. "Doesn't it scare you?"

I shrugged. "Well, what's in a name, right? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as … yeah."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at me. James said, "Well I can't argue with that."

"Wait," said Sirius. "So you've practically prophesied this war that we all know is happening, and you still say that Divination is a load of waffle?"

I blew out my cheeks a little. "Stop holding me to what I said about Divination, Sirius."

His lips twitched slightly upwards on one side. There was a short pause and then James and Sirius each reached for the last two cards left.

"People involved," I said quickly.

"An old woman, wisdom, indulgence -" stated Sirius.

"- An old man, stability, reflection," finished James.

It took a second for it to sink in. James blinked at the cards and then stumbled to his knees to study them closer. One hand flew to his hair.

"We're gonna grow old together!"

I stared at the table in complete shock.

"That's what it is, isn't it!" He laughed a little breathlessly.

"Well, yeah. It seems like that-"

"Bloody hell!"

"- but even if you don't take it that literally …" I laughed and got to my knees too. "Jesus Christ, they're nice cards. I mean, this coldness in the past – you can't do anything about it. This enemy in the future – a little morbid, yeah, but nothing you can do. But these three," I pointed to the vertical line of cards in the middle, "they're bloody nice cards."

"I – We … Oh bloody hell!" gasped James, grinning madly and covering his face in his hands. He peered through his fingers at me. "So that's it, then? Is that all the meaning there is to it?"

I took a sip of tea and then winced – it had gone cold. I studied all the cards together and sighed. "Well, if you look at those two 'people involved' cards – the old man and woman – you see that they're the moisture card and the water card. That definitely links them together even more, right? And here" (I pointed at the moisture card) "you've got stability – which might be there to overcome the instability posed by the heat card here – this enemy …"

Sirius hadn't said anything for a while, and now he slowly reached across the table and picked up the heat card. He scrutinised it carefully.

"But I wouldn't put so much faith in these cards, you know? They're not the most -"

"Where'd you get these cards?" Sirius interrupted me.

I swallowed slightly and scratched my head. "Er … I made them, actually."

He blinked at the card and then looked up at me. I couldn't read his expression. "You made them? … You're having a laugh."

"Er – well – I," I stammered awkwardly, "I mean, I copied the elemental tarot theory from a book that explained Merlin's own deck, but it said that anyone who wishes to use the cards should really make a set for themselves …"

He stared at me, one eyebrow raised. "How did you make them?"

"Um … With card. And paint."

He blinked at me some more, and then tossed the card back onto the table. "They're pretty cool," he said indifferently.

I tried to say something but couldn't, only able to feel my cheeks redden. I took a hasty mouthful of tea and spluttered again.

"You ready for the tessomancy now?" I choked out.

"Oh, yeah, sure," said James, sounding a little dazed.

"Right, er, I forgot – just stir the dregs around three times with your left hand."

James did this with his tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration. As he passed me the cup he turned to Sirius and said, "You'd swear I never did Divination for the OWLs. I don't remember any of this!"

Sirius lay down and stretched for the book which had fallen off the arm of his chair. He sat back up and rested it on his knees.

I put the teacup down and rubbed my face vigorously with my hands before picking it up again.

I turned the cup over and over, blinking at the soggy mess inside. After I was sure I had gone full circle at least twice I tilted my head to the side and tucked some hair behind my ear.

"That's an – ice-cream cone, I think. No, sorry, wait. A Christmas tree? That's happiness in the Christmas season," I added, before Sirius began rifling pages. I brought the cup closer to my eyes and squinted into it. "Or … A bouquet?"

That last idea came out of my mouth as soon as it hit me, but somehow I knew it was right. I stopped. I could hear Sirius flipping through pages and I looked up at him.

His eyes stared at the book and then flicked up to my face. My heart was beating rather loudly and I took in a deep breath. "That's coming happiness, love … fulfilled hopes …"

My voice trailed out and then I swallowed. I had learned these symbols and meanings not too long ago, and part of me was pretty content for remembering them. The other part had just crapped its pants. I watched James as his mouth fell open, and Sirius had his eyes wide and fixed on me.

"And marriage," I whispered.

James managed to knock into the table, sending the biscuits that Biddy brought flying all over the rug as he lunged at Sirius and tore the book from his hands.

He stared at the page and seemed to read the same line about ten times before he gasped and tried but failed to speak. He opened and closed his mouth in complete and utter shock and then took the cup from me and stared into it. One hand flew to his hair and he smacked himself in the head by accident.

I stared at the table, and drained the last of my cold tea. Sirius stared at James who had rolled onto his side and was now cradling the teacup in his hands.

It was quiet in the room for a long moment. I stared absentmindedly into my cup.

"What does yours say?" asked Sirius in an offhand manner. He threw a glance at James before resting his eyes on my face.

I blinked at the cup and twisted it over. "A bow and arrow," I said quickly. "Unpleasant talk of your personal affairs."

I hastily placed my cup back on the coffee table.

I could feel his eyes on me, but I just pulled threads from the rips in my jeans. He gave a slight sigh.

"You can do mine, if you want. He might be a while."

I looked at James, who hadn't moved in about ten minutes or so. Sirius offered me his cup and I shrugged and took it.

"Ah, biscuit crumbs," I said. "The occurrence of pleasant events."

We both laughed and Sirius scooped some of the fallen biscuits back onto their plate.

I turned the cup over again and then held it at a distance. "Oh, Lord."

"What is it?" he asked, shuffling closer. And I tensed up instinctively even though we still had the coffee table between us.

"Well, looks like a Grim."

I glanced up and was very surprised to see him smiling a little bemusedly.

"What's a Grim?" asked James a little weakly, who was back sitting cross-legged to my right, still clutching his cup to his chest.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You know, the giant spectral dog? The Grim? They call it 'Padfoot' in some legends."

James made an 'ahhh' sort of noise and grinned.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. "I – You …" I pointed at him and he raised his eyebrows. "Er … Never mind."

Sirius scrutinised me for a moment with a slight grin.

"Well, that's your little nickname, isn't it?"

He and James exchanged wide, knowing smirks.

"So," I continued, "you've either got death in your future – the Grim – or … you've just got yourself, eh?"

They both laughed.

"How self-centred can you get?" I joked.

Sirius chuckled and took back his cup.

"Sounds lonely, mate," laughed James.

"At least you have no worries there," Sirius shot back. "Marriage, eh?"

James widened his eyes. He looked at me and said, "Do you – er … think it's true?"

I inhaled deeply and then swallowed. "It's down to interpretation but … er, I dunno."

Sirius was watching me closely and he sucked in his cheeks in thought. "You said yourself you were going to spend the rest of your life with her," he said to James.

James laughed a little embarrassedly. "I know, yeah, it's just weird hearing it like that … But it looks so like a bouquet, doesn't it!"

I grinned at him and he sighed dreamily and rested his head against the seat of his armchair.

"Well, to be sure we could try the crystal ball," said Sirius.

James agreed and summoned the crystal ball from the table across the room with his wand.

I crossed my legs and sat up straighter, rubbing my forehead. The ball in front of me was full of swirling white mist, in constant, calm motion, but not giving way to anything underneath.

I shook myself and closed my eyes. My mind was too distracted, thinking about James getting married and all that. It shouldn't have been so weird, really. People get married all the time. It's not like it was going to happen any time soon, and thinking about it I realised that it was never even certain that it was Lily Evans he would marry. But the old man and woman from the cards …

"Clear your inner eye …" came Sirius's voice.

"Shut up," I said, grinning and looking up. He sniggered.

I scooted closer to the table and stared into the crystal again. I slowed down my breathing and focused on the swirling mist, imagining it parting and revealing …

And then there was a flash of soft colour and through the fog I could faintly see a … something. Something colourful, with pink and a lot of white and then …

"A bouquet," I muttered.

"You are joking me!"

"So what's that, again, other than marriage …?"

I heard the leafing of pages, but things in the ball were keeping me focused on that and I couldn't look up. Things were getting clearer. "No, it's not a symbol. I mean, it's a scene. Someone's holding it."

I could just see hands delicately clasping the flowers, and a lot of white that wasn't fog. And then the mist seemed to dissolve for a minute and I could see the fuller picture – there were many figures standing in rows as if for a photograph, some were faceless, some weren't. And the ones that I could distinguish scared the living shit out of me.

A red haired woman in a white dress, a man with messy black hair …

"It's your wedding day," I breathed.

"WHAT?"

"Whoa, congratulations, mate. Am I there?"

"Yeah," I said, seeing Sirius looking extremely good in his dress robes, standing beside his best friend, beaming and slapping him on the back. "Holy crap, James! And Lily looks absolutely gorgeous -"

"I'M MARRYING LILY?"

"Who the hell did you think it was?" laughed Sirius.

"Looks like you tried to make your hair flat, but it didn't exactly do much. But you look very handsome anyway …"

"Merlin's beard," said James. "Are you there?"

"_Me_? What are you – why would I -"

I stopped in mid sentence, having just caught a glimpse of myself beside Sirius as he turned to me and appeared to make a joke. We were both laughing and looking incredibly … happy?

I looked up so fast that I cricked my neck. "Er, yeah."

I just had no idea why I was so close to the front of the group.

James blinked at the crystal ball and then grinned at me. "You didn't think that after all you've done for me that I wouldn't even invite you to my wedding?"

I opened and closed my mouth stupidly.

"I'm going to marry Lily Evans," he said suddenly, as if the actual realisation had just struck him. "We're going to be _married_ …"

I looked back down at the crystal ball, my eyes wide and staring. This was utter madness.

I had to start all over again with the mist thing – having broken my stream of Sight – but it came back quickly enough and I was seeing another glimpse of the wedding photo. The scene quickly changed into the outside of a house, and then to a brightly-coloured room where the happy couple were standing, looking over something … a cradle?

"Oh my GOD you have a kid!"

"WHAT?"

"He's got her eyes," I continued, and then the picture quickly shifted again.

Now I saw a very clear image of James. It was perfectly vivid, very unlike all the others which were floating in and out of the veil of mist. And then I had barely realised that the boy was not James at all but his green-eyed son grown up to about our age, when another image of the house appeared. But this time it was old and decrepit and barely visible through the thick cloudiness.

Then came a completely new picture; James and Lily sitting underneath a tree by the black lake. His arm was around her. Other figures surrounded them but I couldn't make out any of the faces. Then they were sitting by a table in some kind of café, sipping tea, their faces bright with a sort of nervous excitement. And then I could just see what looked like the Great Hall, and James rushing forwards to throw his arms around the girl, burying his face in her hair. He held her back at arms length and beamed at her, before leaning his face in closer ...

But then I realised that the girl he was holding did not have red hair at all, but was somewhere in between brown and blonde and ginger ...

My heart seemed to stop, but the pictures changed again. I just saw the wedding once more and then the strangely clear image of James and Lily's son, and then there was nothing but the swirling mist.

I kept staring at it for a while longer, my mind racing with these images. After a few minutes I realised that James was calling me, and I rather shakily recounted what I had seen.

I had only gone as far as the grown-up son when I had to stop and think about it.

"And he was clearer than the other pictures?" asked James with curiosity.

"Yeah, completely clearer. I dunno why. I suppose he's important in the future or something."

"No way, sure he's only my _son!_" said James sarcastically.

"Oh, right," I said, grinning nervously. I relayed the rest of the things I had seen, but leaving out the one with me and James in the Great Hall. My face had grown red and I couldn't get it out of my mind, like the image was stuck to the inside of my eyes.

We all sat back when I was finished, thinking about everything.

"So the one by the lake, right? That shows that we must start going out before the end of this year!"

"Mm …"

"What about the one with the tea?" he asked.

I rubbed my eyes. "Yeah, I think it was – you know in Hogsmeade, that little teashop?"

They both stopped and stared at me. "What … Madame Puddifoot's?" asked James.

I grinned a little and tried to hold in a burst of laughter. "Yeah, I think that was the place."

James knit his brow and stared at the coffee table. Sirius had his mouth hanging open and was staring blatantly at the other boy.

"So I take her to Hogsmeade for a date …" He looked up abruptly like an animal scared by a sudden noise. "There's a Hogsmeade weekend coming up at the end of the month!"

Sirius closed his mouth, slowly folded his arms on top of the table and leaned forwards. "James."

"What?" answered James distractedly.

"You're going to go to Madame Puddifoot's?"

James looked up and glanced from Sirius to me and back again. "What?"

I had to slap a hand over my face to hide the grin stretching across it. Sirius looked over at me and raised his eyebrows for a moment, before he threw his head back and burst out laughing. I quickly joined him.

"What?" growled James.

In between the fits of laughter, Sirius managed to get out, "That place is for girls!"

"It's for couples, you idiot!"

"You're a little girlie," choked Sirius, wiping his eyes.

"I'M NOT!" yelled James. "It's for couples, right Holly?"

I was clutching my sides. "You're a poof!"

"I AM NOT! I'M THE ONE GETTING MARRIED HERE!"

I still couldn't stop laughing, and Sirius was pretty much rolling on the floor.

"I – I don't think I can be friends with you any more, mate," he gasped.

"I'm embarrassed to be even seen with you," I said.

"Shut up!" screamed James. "Argh – will you two just stop _flirting_?"

The laughter stopped very abruptly, along with my heart. My mouth dropped open.

Sirius picked himself up off the floor and raised his eyebrows at me, before turning to James and saying, "Just because you have to flirt with anything that moves doesn't mean the whole world is the same." He grinned and I managed to come to my senses. "It's called having a laugh, mate."

James said nothing, just glared at us both. I grinned widely, unbelievably relieved about how Sirius had turned that around.

"That's a revolting idea, anyway," I added.

"Absolutely sick," agreed Sirius with a grimace. "You're a sick git."

"I may vomit," I laughed.

"Yeah. I can't even decide which is more disgusting; what you just said, or the fact that you're – ha, going to Madame Puddifoot's -" He could hardly finish the sentence before he cracked up again.

"I dunno. I might rather the teashop right about now …"

"Why don't you two just go together, then," snapped James.

Sirius stopped laughing but kept grinning madly and shook his head. "Give it up. You're embarrassing yourself, not us."

James scowled and folded his arms.

I clenched my teeth trying not to laugh. Sirius caught my eye and gave a fleeting smile.

"All right, James, I'm sorry. You're not a poof."

"Or a girlie," added Sirius in a strained voice.

"But that place _is_ disgustingly – er – frilly …"

We both had difficulty holding in our snickers.

"I don't care," said James. "I'm going to marry Lily. And I hope you both die alone."

We all laughed and even though I sort of hated James for saying the words 'you two' and 'flirting' in the same sentence – which was totally ridiculous because I didn't even know how to flirt and Sirius clearly just didn't flirt at all – I was glad he wasn't mad any more.

"OK, did you notice what time of the year we went to the – er – teashop?"

I shook my head. "Sorry. Are you gonna ask her for the next Hogsmeade trip?"

He scratched his head idly. "I dunno … I'm sort of playing it cool with her at the minute … I guess I'll just wait for the opportunity."

He got to his feet.

"Yeah, OK! That's what I'm doing. Whoa … I'm gonna marry her." He took in a deep breath. "OK!"

And then he strode across the room and out the door.

"He does that a lot, doesn't he?" I said.

Sirius got up and headed after James.

I stood up and looked around, feeling like we should really clean up or something. I picked up my cards and shoved them back into my bag.

When I looked up Sirius was standing at the door. I stopped what I was doing, he was looking at me with narrowed eyes.

"Er …" I said.

"Was there something else you saw in the crystal ball?" he asked plainly.

"I, er ... how – wuh, what?"

He studied my closely. "I was watching you. You looked like something seriously freaked you out towards the end of it."

"Oh ..." I muttered, my heart racing. "Um, yeah. James kissed me."

I screwed my eyes shut. Oh my God why did I say that? Why couldn't I have just lied? Sirius didn't want to hear this. _I _didn't want to think about this!

KILL ME NOW.

I brought my hand up to my face and opened my eyes.

Sirius swallowed and stared. "He did?"

"Well, yeah – I mean it was just on the cheek!" I added quickly, feeling more stupid than I had ever felt in my entire life. I gave a great sigh. "I just looked too happy, you know? We both did."

Sirius had his jaw clenched and was staring at the floor. It was really nice that just when we had been getting along OK that I had to go and make a complete fool out of myself.

"Do you like him?"

Not that question. "What – no! I mean, I don't think so … Er, I haven't really thought about it." My face must have been bright red now. I can't talk about this stuff.

Sirius glanced up at me, and I could not for the life of me figure out what he was thinking.

"Well, if you haven't thought about it then it must be a no, right?" he resolved, looking at me a little worriedly. He wasn't the only one scared for my sanity here.

"Well, yeah, I guess. It's just … when stuff like this happens I end up thinking about it too much and it drives me crazy and then ends up coming true." I was babbling now. "But – no, it's fine. It doesn't matter."

"Er, all right." He ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, don't go crazy. It doesn't matter. That's the problem with the future, I suppose. You can't _really_ know the full story until it actually happens."

I nodded, but I still didn't like not knowing why this would happen. James was going to marry Lily, that was the end of that chapter. For me to start liking him at this stage was completely and utterly stupid. It was not going to happen.

Right?


	9. Interesting

I can't say how pleased I am at the reaction this story has gotten so far. It's absolutely incredible. Just thanks to anyone who reads this, especially those who give feedback because it really means the world to me!

I was going to warn about the sort of Holly X James thing there but I kind of enjoyed the dramatic comments ;) Anyways, those who are waiting for some Sirius-Holly action (action? Don't know what's expected in that area : lol) well, I don't think they are _quite _there yet! Holly is still pretty scared being in the same room as him! So patience, people, patience. (But this most certainly does not mean things won't get intense. Oh ho, they can get intense.) And I'll let you know now; this story ain't all that short!

Now go ahead and keep reading (lovely bit o' background if you're interested) and remember how much I love reviews :D On with the story!

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Nine -<strong>

**Interesting**

_In the summer before my fourth year at Hogwarts, I had my first kiss. _

_And I had my first boyfriend. And my second one too, in fact. And I also had friends at the time, but that's another story for another day._

_So I had all these friends. Friends and friends of friends. They were Muggles, of course. But they had been my 'friends outside of school' for years now. _

_And all of a sudden, people were coupling off. And I, like the social sheep I was, felt that this was the natural way of things and that it was only acceptable for me to do the same._

_He was all right. I pretended that we had been friends first but in all honesty we were as good as strangers. It was one of those house-on-fire kind of things – where you'd say that if you absolutely _had_ to pick one of the guys out of the gang, it would be him. And then your friends would tell his friends and before you know it you're being set up with the lad. We didn't talk, both being very nervous and awkward I suppose. But, being my first boyfriend, everything that happened seemed ten times as important, and every single moment was analysed down to the tiniest movement, or every little word. We were together for a month and a half, and then I broke up with him when I realised that I only really liked him in a game of house-on-fire._

_The first relationship. And how embarrassingly childish it was. Considering I was fourteen and everything._

_And then, quite suddenly, the next one came along. We had been good friends, while I was with the first boy and before that. I liked him because I could talk to him, and I always thought he was pretty cool. And sometimes I would think I saw him looking at me. And I would wonder if he liked me, but I usually shrugged the idea off. But, my friends thought otherwise and they were constantly reminding me of that. And then there came a time when we both happened to be single while everyone else was coupled off. So then it was set up by the other boys and girls and that was that – my second boyfriend. I liked him – I was just never sure how much. And when I went back to school we wrote for a while but things seemed a little crazy back in that group, and we ended up breaking up somewhat mutually because of complications and us both realising that we didn't really like each other enough to be tied down in a long-distance relationship. And I obviously didn't even like him enough to tell him why all my letters were arriving by owl._

_So that was my second relationship. And you think I would have learned my lesson at that stage. _

_But then there just happened to be a very handsome fellow at Hogwarts in the year above, who was – according to everyone else – mad about me. We were good enough chums as well, because he was in my little gang of Hufflepuff mates (which was also still in existence at the time. Again – another story). Everyone thought he was great but I found him slightly annoying. And that was my third boyfriend – completely forced upon me against my will by my friends. And it turned out to be by far the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. I loved spending time with him, and he even managed to get me acting all lovey-dovey every so often. Looking back, it makes me want to get sick. It was not in my nature to be gooey._

_Anyway, I ended up spending too much time with him and he simply started getting on my nerves. And the summer holidays were coming up anyway. So I broke up with him, using the tiniest of disagreements as an excuse. We were together for six months. And that was my third relationship._

_And, thankfully, there have been none since._

* * *

><p><strong>Do you like James?<strong>

Well, of course I liked him – he was a great guy. But that wasn't the question.

**Do you _like_ him?**

…

This shouldn't be so hard to figure out. '_I haven't really thought about it.' _That was the truth. And Sirius was right, the fact that I hadn't thought about it was good. It meant … that I hadn't thought about it.

The problem was; _now I was thinking about it._

And with that little question came a lot of other questions.

**Why should you like him?** … Many reasons. James was great.

**So why don't you like him?** … Because I haven't really thought about it.

**But why haven't you thought about it?** …

Because I knew that if I thought about it, that this would happen? That I'd over-think like I've done countless times before, and end up liking him just because I've convinced myself that I should?

**Are you saying that you like him now?**

I DON'T KNOW!

Why am I asking myself questions in second person?

…

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain that I have a sort of … issue. With boys. And liking boys. And boys liking me.

_1. I have a weakness for any boy I find remotely attractive. (The weakness grows in accordance with the attractiveness of the boy.) *see all Relationships above*_

_2. I over-think about everything. And I mean _everything_. *see Relationship 1 above*_

_3. But I'm not great at noticing when guys like me, and flirting flies right over my head. Usually I have to hear it from other girls who notice before me. And then I freak out. This is the point at which the over-thinking commences. *see Relationship 2 above*_

_4. I am a hopeless romantic and I hate that about myself. Also, I wouldn't consider myself an attention-seeker but for some reason I am an absolute sucker for guys who give me any attention whatsoever. *see Relationships 2 and 3 above. Also note partiality towards Bertram Aubrey, James Potter, etc*_

_5. I have had exactly three boyfriends in my entire life. All of whom I had first thought of as friends. All of whom I had been set up with by other friends. And all of whom I had practically talked myself into liking in the first place._

_6. And finally, in coming to terms with my issues over the years, I have developed an intense phobia of falling for a guy that I don't really like all that much, just because it was better to be with someone than to be single, or because I had convinced myself that I could like him, or because he was a friend. _

_And set-ups. I really _hate_ set-ups._

I would say that I have improved a hell of a lot since then. Now I look back and it all makes me want to get sick. Like Madame Puddifoot's want-to-get-sick, in that it's almost funny but also just revolting. And I have been single now for exactly two years and … four months. Almost five. And I am extremely happy with that, no matter what anyone else thinks. I don't do relationships any more, and most of the time I don't even do infatuation. I have stopped myself from thinking about it. Which is nice.

But this is not a thing I should be thinking about at breakfast, because it's after turning me off my leftover pizza.

I pushed my plate away and drank the rest of my tea absently before leaving the Hufflepuff table. I could go to class early and check over that Arithmancy essay. Or read ahead, that was always fun.

My life was just so interesting, right?

It was somewhere in between reading over my homework (which I had made the heading for on Saturday morning and finished last night) and Remus Lupin taking his seat in front of me when I remembered that, recently, my life had become _almost_ interesting.

**And why was that?** … Because of James Potter.

Lupin turned around in his seat and rested his elbow on the back of his chair. I looked up and he smiled at me.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi." I grinned back uncertainly.

He ran his hand through his light brown hair and then looked down at my table. He glanced back up at me with an awkward grin and said, "I was just thinking how strange it is that we've sort of known each other for ages – and now all of a sudden you seem to have become rather close with two of my best friends."

I laughed a little nervously and looked away. "Yeah, that's weird all right." I fiddled with my tie a bit.

He chuckled. "I've been hearing a lot about you recently."

I froze and looked up quickly. He raised his eyebrows a little.

"From James," he explained with a small smile.

I made a weird sort of amused noise that wasn't quite a laugh. I then tried to rectify this by smiling.

He sort of studied my face but his eyes were still kind. "It's really nice of you to help him out like you have."

I wavered a little, making a face. "Oh … It was nothing, really."

I glanced at him and he simply gave another small chuckle. "He seems to think it was something."

"James would think anything was something," I laughed.

He looked a little surprised and then grinned. "He's a really good guy," he said, meeting my eyes carefully.

I nodded hastily because I had been just about to say something along the same lines. "I know."

"And I do think he seems rather fond of you," he said matter-of-factly, with an innocent little smile.

I felt my eyes widen as I sort of stopped breathing. I made a non-committal noise in my throat. And then I laughed clumsily. Exactly how much had James been saying to his other friends about me?

But James was rather fond of everything so it obviously meant nothing anyway.

Lupin grinned as if sensing my confusion. "And Sirius too, of course." I involuntarily looked extremely startled and he continued with a light laugh. "... even if he doesn't show it."

I cocked an eyebrow and then snorted.

"Yeah," he laughed, scratching his head. "It's really only that he doesn't tell James to shut up when he's going on about you."

Yeah, I was thinking it couldn't be anything extraordinary.

"Going on about me?" I asked in disbelief. I was starting to wonder if James was quite all right in the head.

And then Professor Vector walked in and Lupin gave me a quick smile before turning back around in his chair.

I spent a lot of the class staring at the back of Lupin's head and trying to unravel that conversation.

James talking about me: meant nothing. He talks a lot about everything. Not that I'm fond of being a topic of conversation in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, but what the hey?

Sirius: ... What Sirius did or didn't do was of little concern to me.

OK, maybe just a _bit. _But only - and I mean _only_ -because ... well ... he was also - a decent guy?

Wait, so James was great, but Sirius was only decent?

No ... Sirius could be great.

Ah, no. It just didn't work.

Maybe if he _really_ wanted to.

Good to know he didn't hate me, though. But _fond_ was a strong word. Not that I completely trust that. Best not to let it get to me either way.

Which was exactly not what I was doing as I left Arithmancy later on and made my way to the Entrance Hall. I was just at the bottom of the staircase when I heard someone call my name.

I slowed down and stopped. Who would be calling my name? It was a girl's voice. Which was odd. I didn't talk to girls. Especially not the owner of that voice.

My initial temptation was to run for it. But I was already standing still, so all I could do was to take as much time as possible to turn on the spot, and face Lily Evans who was rushing in my direction from the Grand Staircase.

She stopped in front of me, her face looking too bright and alive for this time of morning. She smiled a little timidly at me.

"Um, hi, Holly."

I knew this was going to be bad because she used my first name.

"Hi," I replied. I tried to smile, and then rubbed one side of my face and stared at the floor.

She swallowed in a very pretty way and said, "How are you?"

I made a face. Was she taking the piss? "Good. Er, fine. You?"

She nodded. "Yeah, fine."

I couldn't help raising my eyebrows at her.

"Erm …" She looked around desperately. "I was wondering if I could have a word?" she said, motioning to the side of the staircase.

I made an agreeable sort of noise and stepped to the side. I looked around awkwardly.

She looked at me and raised herself up to her fullest height. I lifted my chin a little. She took a deep breath and said rather firmly, "I wanted to apologise to you."

There was a short pause in which my brain spontaneously combusted. "Don't," I said hastily.

She opened her mouth in surprise and I said, "I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of all those people. But you don't need to apologise to me."

Lily shook her head indignantly. "No, I … That's OK. I think I was embarrassing myself anyway."

I blinked at her. I didn't agree with that at all. No … No, it was definitely me who embarrassed her.

She looked me straight in the eyes and I was instantly reminded of her green-eyed son. That totally freaked me out. "You know …" she started again, pursing her lips. "I was thinking about what you said. About James, I mean …"

My eyes widened and I took to staring at the floor again. I loosened my tie again, feeling uncomfortable. In my peripherals I could just see her straighten her shoulders a little.

"… So I was thinking, maybe I could have been – being a bit unfair, you know?"

Of course I knew. I was the one who told her.

"I guess I always just thought – that he was acting like a clown or trying to make fun of me somehow. It's stupid, right?"

She laughed nervously and I sort of laughed and grimaced at the same time.

She grinned sheepishly and shot me a sideways glance, lowering her voice. "I never knew that you two were such good friends."

"Neither did I," I said, laughing loudly. I coughed. "Er, I mean, we didn't really become friends 'til this year."

Did I just say friends? I meant – Oh bother.

I pressed my lips together in a bracing smile. "He's been really great." OK, and now it sounded like I thought he was very charitable for being friends with me. I groaned a little on the inside

She nodded sensibly. Then she looked around as if to see if anyone was listening. She turned back to me and asked in a hushed and genuinely curious manner, "Do you like him?"

"Oh God no!" I said. Then I stopped and raised my eyebrows. That was easy. Why was that so easy? Before I could think of an answer I noticed her expression change to look rather startled, and I realised I needed to give a reason. "Er …" I started, pulling at my collar, "I mean, he likes you so much it would be hard to …"

Hmm … Well, it was something. Not very conclusive. But, I mean, just because there's no reason _not_ to like someone, doesn't mean you have to like them. That wasn't logical, was it?

Her cheeks grew a little red and she smiled embarrassedly. Her voice was rather rushed when she spoke next. "Do you, er … do you think he's for real?"

I stopped and raised my eyebrows at her. Looks like I wasn't the only one with trust issues. And then I thought about the fact that James was actually going to marry the girl and I almost started laughing, hiding it in a wry grin. "Yeah, I'd definitely say so."

She let out a breath and then giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. She eyed me shrewdly and said very suddenly with no provocation whatsoever, "Didn't you go out with Andy Diggory?"

I clenched my teeth and tried to smile. "Er, yeah."

She looked thoughtful for a moment, fiddling with her hair, and narrowed her eyes at me again. "And are you with Bertram Aubrey now?"

"What? No! God, no, we're just friends."

She gave me a raised-eyebrow grin which I did not appreciate in the slightest.

"Well," she said smartly, "at least I know I can trust your choice in boys – even just as friends."

I smile-grimaced again and made a non-committal noise. This conversation was turning out to be almost as bad as the one in Hogsmeade.

"Well, em … yeah. I just wanted to let you know."

"OK," I replied slowly.

"Well, thank you. For talking to me." She nodded fervently.

"Er, no problem," I said, because I didn't really know what there was to be thankful for. I _could_ tell her that she should really be taking her apologies to James himself, but I didn't want to put my foot in it. Again.

"I'll – er – see you later?" she said.

"OK, yeah. Bye."

I blew out my cheeks and we both stood awkwardly for a moment and then I made a move towards the staircase and she nodded and turned around to rejoin her friends.

As soon as I was well out of sight of her I hit myself in the face and groaned under my breath all the way to Herbology.

All I needed now was for Peter Pettigrew and, I don't know, Mary MacDonald to talk to me today and it would be the most sociable day of my life.

I was halfway across the grounds when, very suddenly, it hit me. She was going to marry him. And right now, she had no idea. And I got an incredible urge to run out and tell her because who the hell was I to know her future when she didn't? I suppose that's why it wasn't much of a shocker to find out that she had changed her mind about him. She was going to marry him for Christ's sake! She had copped on now, so what was left to do? It was up to her and James now.

I'd bet five galleons they'd end up getting a divorce.


	10. Left Behind

Jesus, chapter ten already? Holy moley. This sort of could possibly be a mark for when the James X Lily part of the story is less to the forefront, and Sirius X Holly steps into the limelight. ;) Although, _friends first_, as Holly sort of said before. Sort of. That is key. I wonder if I hadn't mentioned the SiriusXOC thing in the description, would it still be completely obvious that they were going to happen at some point? I don't know. Interesting maybe.

Sorry to all who hate this. (James/ Holly thing. LOL.) She comes to her senses in this chapter though, so don't worry!

Anyway, I hope this chap is satisfactory. XD

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Ten - <strong>

**Left Behind**

November was quickly slipping away and it had come to that time of year when you just know that if you don't start studying now, you'll be seriously regretting it in about six months time.

Six months? Ah sure that was still loads of time.

It had also come to the point in the year when all my tights already had holes in them and there was nothing I could do about it. So I would just wear them anyway. That was all right when it was with the uniform and you wouldn't even notice because I'd have like two pairs of socks on as well for warmth. But on the weekend I had to make do with these ripped and holey tights. I just had to tell myself that people wouldn't think that I was simply poor, but that I was _well_ pulling off the punk look.

This comical thought often led to me having _Judy is a Punk_ stuck in my head for days on end. It would enter my mind in the morning when pulling on my tights.

And so my head was filled with, S_econd verse, same as the first, Jackie is a punk, Judy is a runt! _while walking into the Great Hall that morning, and that's why I wasn't really paying attention to anything else.

So when I heard someone shout out, "THERE SHE IS!" I didn't even look up.

That left me immensely surprised when something literally bowled into me and almost knocked the air right out of me.

And whatever air was left was being squeezed out by the arms wrapped around me now.

"SHE SAID YES!"

I flinched at the shouting in my ear and then my mouth fell open in shock as things slowly registered in my brain. For one thing, it was James. I could feel his glasses knocking against my shoulder as he buried his face into me. For another thing, I was blinking over his shoulder at a large crowd gathered around the Gryffindor table. I only really saw Sirius who was sliding out from the bench, looking around him and grinning a little bit.

Then the actual words sunk in. She. Said. Yes.

And all I could think was: _this particular prophecy came true a lot quicker than I expected._

It was just like how I had seen it; I had barely enough time to grasp the concept when James had grabbed me by the arms to push me away and look directly into my face. He was positively beaming like nothing I had ever seen before. It looked like it should have hurt to smile that wide, I could see almost all of his teeth and his glasses were askew and being pushed up by his cheeks. And in an instant he leaned in and planted a quick kiss on my cheek. Then he held me at arms-length once more and began jumping up and down.

And I couldn't help but positively beam right back at him and join in with the jumping.

"SHE SAID YES!" I yelled.

He screwed up his face and did a little dance on the spot before hug-attacking me again.

"I couldn't have done it without you," he said, his voice shaky and muffled.

"James, are you crying?" I asked.

He made a noise and shook his head, giving a little shudder.

I was a little worried that his legs wouldn't support him if he let go. Eventually I eased his arms off of me but allowed him to remain with one arm slung across my shoulders. His face was suddenly somewhere between ecstasy and extreme fear.

He turned his face to look at me, his eyes wide. "Merlin's bollocks."

I laughed at that and said, "Jesus Christ … she said yes." It was no surprise, and I was happy for him, but I had also just felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. James hadn't kissed me for any reason other than the excitement of getting a date with his future wife. Any wild suspicions of him cheating or anything stupid like that was completely forgotten.

"Bloody hell!" I said, unable to stop smiling and still bouncing a little.

"You sound surprised," said Sirius with a goading smile, coming over to us with their other friends.

I grinned back. He met my eyes with a glint of amusement, and he tapped his cheek with a slight smirk. I chuckled and rolled my eyes. He had been completely right about that.

Lucky I didn't go crazy about it.

Heh …

There was a big crowd surrounding the scene, as if the whole of the Great Hall had come together to congratulate James on his success. Some people were still slapping him on the back as they passed by, others were looking at me a bit weirdly, clearly wondering what my involvement in this was.

James seemed to hardly notice all the attention (strangely enough) and just stared palely into space for a while, still leaning heavily on my shoulder.

Peter Pettigrew inched closer, looking at James. "James? James – are you all right?" he asked apprehensively.

When James didn't answer or make any sign that he had heard his friend, I slapped the hand that was on my shoulder. "James?" I asked, laughing. No response. "I think he went into shock."

Pettigrew went still and stared at me as if he had never been spoken to by a girl in his life, his small watery eyes unblinking, and I tried smiling at him but he made me sort of nervous.

Sirius huffed impatiently at Pettigrew. "Of course he's all right, you thicko. All right, all right," he said in a louder voice, "now everyone who's not directly involved in this can just clear off, OK? Show's over, bye-bye now!"

I took James's arm off my shoulder and steadied him with Lupin's help, who was just laughing at the whole thing.

"Did this just happen now?" I asked Sirius.

"Like half an hour before you came along," he said irritably.

James seemed to come to his senses then and raised his fists into the air. "Thank you all!" he addressed the room. People started to laugh. "Thank you for your support over the years of this endless struggle, which ends on this historic day! I-"

But Sirius had rolled his eyes and started towards the door, along with Lupin who beckoned to me with a friendly smile. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I followed them. Pettigrew rushed to catch up but kept twisting his neck around to see what James was doing, giving out short bursts of laughter as he scurried along.

James spun around at realising his friends had abandoned him and said, "-gotta go!"

In the Entrance Hall he skidded to a stop and crossed his arms like a child who had been interrupted while telling an adult about his first day at school.

I told him that even though it wasn't exactly unexpected, I was extremely happy for him and hoped he had a great time on his date – but that I knew it would work out well for him no matter what.

He put his hand on my shoulder and when I looked into his big brown eyes I grinned to find that I really had no feelings whatsoever for James Potter.

"I can't put into words how grateful I am for your help," he said with a small smile.

"Then don't try," offered Sirius.

James shot him a look but didn't try to hit him or anything. Instead he took a deep breath. "Thank you, Holly."

"Don't mention it," I laughed lightly. "But it's not over yet. Just try not to lose her now."

Sirius studied me for a moment and then laughed shortly, joining Lupin and Pettigrew who gave a squeal of mirth.

"He had better not," said Sirius seriously.

"Yes, I don't know if I could go through that again for another five years," said Lupin, rubbing his face wearily.

James did not seem amused, and I said, "Right, well congratulations and all. I think I'll just head off."

James blinked at me and drew back a little. "What? Can't you hang out with us for a bit?"

"Hang out?" I asked blankly. "With yous?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. And I suddenly realised that my acquaintanceship with these guys – the Marauders as they liked to call themselves – was not over just because James had fulfilled his dream.

No advice-giving, no favour-asking. Just hanging out. That was quite a scary prospect.

James nodded fervently and said, "C'mon, we're going for a walk!" and then he turned around and headed out of the door into the courtyard outside. Sirius cocked an eyebrow at me with a smirk and went with him. Pettigrew followed hurriedly, and then Lupin smiled and waved for me to come along.

Against my better judgement, I relented and went with them.

Halfway across the courtyard, James turned around and began walking backwards. "Don't you want to hear how it happened?"

I blew out my cheeks and grinned. "Not really, but I think you want to tell the story so go ahead."

I could see Sirius trying not to laugh as he stared at his feet, kicking the ground while walking.

James didn't seem to notice my slur but continued on boldly. "Well, it all started in the Great Hall, when Lily came up to me to talk about some Head Boy and Girl thing," he began energetically. "We're a very good team, you know. It was some shit about these first years who didn't show up for McGonagall's detention, and she was wondering if I'd go find them myself or get a Prefect to do it. And _then_," he proclaimed dramatically, with a roll of his eyes, "_somebody_ pissed her off."

I could guess by the way Sirius snickered and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets that it was him.

I laughed quietly. But he didn't seem like he was going to say anything, so I asked, "What did you say?"

We had walked out of the Entrance Courtyard and were heading down the long steps towards the boathouse. Sirius didn't even turn around, but stretched his shoulders in a bored manner. "She overreacted."

"Just something stupid," interrupted James, waving his hand dismissively at Sirius.

Sirius coughed, and his hand shot to his hair as he mumbled in a higher-and-more-emotive-than-usual voice, "'I'll do it for _you_, Evans, but only if you marry me right now-'"

I burst out laughing. James made to hit him but he danced out of the way, continuing to laugh in his impression of James's voice, while constantly rumpling his hair, "Go on, Evans, marry me, and I'll be Head Boy _and _Girl to save you the trouble-"

James shouldered him roughly and Sirius just bounded along beside him, grinning at his friend's irritation. James cleared his throat loudly and went on.

"Like I said, this TOTAL BASTARD pissed her off … but she didn't shout at me like she usually does when she's angry. She just sort of blushed, and got all flustered and decided to leave." James stopped his storytelling to stare thoughtfully into space with a reminiscent smile. After a short pause in which Sirius punched him in the arm, he shook himself and went on. "But before she left I called her back, and she turned around and … and she was still blushing, you see, and she just looks so pretty when she blushes, you know?" I shook my head and shrugged. "And so I just said to myself, I said, 'just go for it, mate!' … And then guess what I said to her!"

We had reached the little harbour and entered the boathouse. I followed last, behind Pettigrew. It was a small sort of room, open on one side and facing out onto the lake. The water came in and filled a space in the middle of the room, with the path surrounding that. Sirius went and leaned against the stone wall halfway across the room, looking around him lazily; James jumped up onto a little ladder that led to the wooden balcony above our heads; Lupin crossed to the other side of the small shack and stood by one of the pillars; Pettigrew found a spot to stand somewhere in between James and Sirius; and I stood just a little out of the doorway.

I rubbed my forehead. "I don't really want to."

He didn't notice this either, and said, "I said to her, I said … " He drew himself up to full height and took in a deep breath. "'Lily Evans, I love you and I WILL marry you.'"

He grinned. I gaped at him. "Oh my _God_, you didn't!"

"I did!" he said proudly. "And – and guess what _she _said!"

"James Potter, that is literally the cheesiest thing I have _ever_ heard?"

"_No_," he sneered, "I-"

"That's what I would have said," I said, having a hard time holding in the laughter. Sirius shot me a look and screwed up his face in a grin.

"She _said_," continued James impatiently, narrowing his eyes and leaving a dramatic pause, "'Er, James … Are you doing anything this Hogsmeade weekend?'"

I was sort of distracted from the shock of this when Pettigrew clapped his hands together and squealed in delight. I found myself staring at him, wondering how on earth anyone could possibly act like that. This was a weird bunch, that's for sure.

I blinked and looked back at James, who was hanging out of the ladder and looking very proud of himself.

"She _didn't!"_ I answered in mock-surprise.

"Oh, she did," he said, beaming. "She did."

"Wait, Lily Evans asked _you_ out? I thought you said that she said yes? SHE SAID YES?" I asked.

"Well-" he started quickly, but Sirius interrupted.

"That just sounds better than saying SHE ASKED ME OUT, right? That's a little poofy-" I stifled a laugh and Sirius smirked at James.

"I think it's the way it was meant to happen!" said James loudly. "I've been asking her so much that it's rather funny that she asked me out this time! It's something to tell the grandchildren, right?"

"I didn't say it wasn't good," drawled Sirius. "At least it's clear to us who the man in this relationship is …"

"Shut it!"

James jumped down from the ladder and headed around the water to the door on the opposite side of the boathouse. Sirius smirked as James passed him, and then yawned loudly as Lupin and Pettigrew and I headed for the door. He strolled casually out, and was just behind me as the five of us began the descent up the cliff edge on the other side.

"Still, he _is_ going to Madam Puddifoot's after all," muttered Sirius, appearing beside me.

My laugh was a little louder than I had expected and Pettigrew twitched around, his eyes widening when he saw me and Sirius trailing behind. He rushed up to James and Lupin, and I had a miniature heart-attack.

To my greatest relief, James did not notice, but turned around and said, "And don't you want to know what I said?"

I breathed out a little and said nothing.

He sighed and closed his eyes. He held out his arms. "'Lily, I've been free at Hogsmeade weekends for my whole life waiting for you to ask me that question.'"

I snorted and doubled over. "I cannot believe she agreed to go out with you."

What!" exclaimed James. "Those were great lines! And true, too."

I shook my head, grinning and watching my feet.

And the more James talked on that walk, the clearer it became to me that I did not like him in a romantic way whatsoever.

My reasoning behind this was:

I had enough **obsessiveness** in me that I didn't need a guy who was almost as bad as I was!

James believed too much in **true love** and **destiny** and that sort of stuff. And even if he wasn't so centred around Evans I still just ... didn't really agree with that.

I didn't mind the **cheesiness**. It was sort of funny. But James Potter was the King of Cheesy, and I didn't exactly know when it might turn from endearing to annoying.

James just put all of his energy into every single thing he did, and I didn't think I could be in a relationship which was that **intense**. I need a very relaxed pace in these sort of things, otherwise I freak out. *see 'My Life' above*

And in all honesty, I liked him too much as a **friend** to think about it any more. James was great.

And I really was happy for James and the start of his beautiful relationship with Evans, but another part of me was just so glad that I didn't have to figure out if I liked him or not any more.

And the five of us walked all the way into the paved courtyard and then I said that I was going to go to the library and they saw me off. And hanging out wasn't that scary after all.

* * *

><p>I hadn't planned on going into Hogsmeade that day, the day of James's date with Lily. I was going to go to the Common Room when I bumped into them outside the Great Hall.<p>

Somehow, they managed to convince me to come along for 'moral support'.

(I think the scared little puppy dog eyes were a contributing persuasive factor.)

And that's how I ended up freezing my ass off along the road into Hogsmeade, not dressed at all for being out in the early December weather; only a jumper and exact copies of James's red and gold gloves (which he _gemino-ed_ for me) on to keep me warm, the bitter wind nipping at the holes in my tights, and James walking sideways beside me to ask me if his hair looked all right. Sirius had his hands stuffed into he pockets of his coat and was trudging along silently.

"You're hair looks _fine,"_ I assured him, but he continued trying to flatten it anyway.

"What about my clothes, do I look all right?" he asked, running up ahead to turn around, unbutton his grey coat and display his outfit for us.

He had his Gryffindor gloves on, his scarf tucked into the collar of his coat, and looked like he had borrowed one of Sirius's less formal blazers, which he was wearing casually with a t-shirt and jeans.

I nodded and he said, "Yeah, I look all right? Rather dashing, d'you think?"

I laughed and said yes. He stood until we had caught up with him and then he walked in the middle, turning around anxiously every once in a while. And despite trying to convince myself that this date was his business to worry about, he was getting me all nervous too.

"Are you-"

"Taking her to Madam Puddifoot's?" he asked hastily. "Yes, and there's nothing funny about it."

I glanced at Sirius and he didn't have any response at all except to stare at me indifferently. So the gay James jokes weren't funny anymore? I supposed he wasn't in a good mood today (maybe for being dragged into Hogsmeade for 'moral support' like I was) and so I decided not to push it.

We were halfway to the village when we saw her. She was wearing a fitted navy blue coat, a knee-length skirt with thick grey tights and shiny black shoes. She was bundled up in her Gryffindor scarf and gloves, and her dark red hair whipped around her face in the wind as she looked around, evidently searching for her date.

James's face lit up when he saw her and I suddenly felt an irrational surge of emotion in my gut. There she was, standing beautiful and distinct against the white of the snow – and here I was in my woolly jumper, shorts and ripped tights and trainers. Her hair fell in perfect waves down her back and mine was boring and could never decide where its parting was. She had a gorgeous, full figure, and I was a little smaller than average and almost shapeless, as girls go. I hated myself for thinking this, but I was extremely aware that nobody's face was lighting up when they saw _me_.

So it wasn't that I actually fancied James, but rather that I was simply jealous of Lily Evans.

Catching myself feeling this way, I pushed it from my mind.

Sirius and I stopped when we saw Evans – I didn't want to make things awkward by outnumbering her – and James bid us a bright farewell. His face was nervous and excited as he left us and skipped towards his future wife.

I could see the relief cross Lily's face when she saw and greeted him. I could hardly tell which one of them looked more nervous.

Then Lily Evans noticed me and Sirius standing a bit away and she gave us a shy smile. I waved. Sirius didn't seem to notice but was staring around, looking highly bored.

I wanted to hit him because if I was Lily Evans I would have been feeling very nervous right now, and being ignored by my date's best friend would not have helped in the slightest. But then James beckoned enthusiastically to her and led her away in conversation; almost walking sideways so as to see her fully, listening intently to every word she uttered, a look of spellbound adoration etched into his face …

We stood for a moment, watching the dream couple walk away into the ice-covered village, until and after they were out of sight.

It began to snow lightly.

A moment later I blinked and looked around. Sirius met my eyes. He glanced me up and down fleetingly and then looked away. He swallowed slightly.

My mouth was suddenly very dry. How on earth, during that whole walk halfway to the village, did it never once occur to me that as soon as James had met up with Evans for his date, that I WOULD BE LEFT BEHIND WITH SIRIUS COMPLETELY ON MY OWN?

I looked away and stared at the ground in complete and utter mind-numbing panic. Sure, it was OK a certain night in the kitchens when there was something on my mind and Sirius happened to be in the mood to fill his quota of kindness for the year … But I couldn't spend alone time with _Sirius_. No. It's not possible. Truth was, I was pretty sure that I could only really get along with Sirius when James was around to supply the majority of the conversation.

See, James was a chatterer. I can be a chatterer when I'm around other chatterers. But I couldn't be like James in being able to talk to anyone in the world for hours on end about nothing.

And I couldn't lie, Sirius made me nervous.

I wanted to go back to the castle. My breathing was getting quicker and I could feel myself getting fidgety. And what was _he_ going to do now, eh? Hadn't he thought of this? Or had it completely flown over his head like it had with mine?

I stole a glance at him and he was looking blankly into space with his cheeks sucked in slightly. He clearly wasn't freaking out about it, anyway.

If I was to go back to the castle, would he come too? And then what? Would we hang around together (nyah, I'm cringing already) there and wait for James to get back with the gossip? Because seeing as how I had come along this far, I kind of wanted to find out how the date went! But no, I couldn't handle being alone with Sirius. I'd rather wait and hear the news from James another time.

My crazy train of thought was broken by him offering, with a smirk, to duplicate his scarf for me, as James had done with his gloves. I shook my head hastily.

He scrutinised me. "Aren't you cold?"

"Yes."

He looked me up and down again. "You've got holes in your stockings."

I laughed a little at his use of the word 'stockings'. He was like an old man. Then I nodded. "I know."

He stared at me and blinked slowly. I looked back with wide eyes.

Very subtly, he chewed on his tongue and looked away with a slight roll of his eyes. Then he tapped his foot for a moment before setting off at a quick stroll towards the village.

To my embarrassment, I found that I was still rooted to the spot.

He didn't even turn around. "You coming or what?"

I looked around in desperation and, blushing furiously, followed him.

* * *

><p>HollySirius alone time wha? Hehehe, I'm excited.


	11. Small Talk and Shortcuts

**- Chapter Eleven -**

**Small Talk and Shortcuts**

I didn't want to give Sirius the satisfaction of me hurrying to catch up with him, so instead I simply walked at a normal fast pace until I reached his side again.

I was keeping myself distracted by looking at the scenery, Hogsmeade was a gorgeous place and I had never seen it at this time of year before, when the snow was yet to stick and build up. The place sparkled in the frosty morning. The sun was bright and there were hardly any clouds but the wind was bitter.

When I did catch up to him, Sirius shot me a sideways grin, which I almost missed from being looking around the place like a twat. And because I almost missed it, and because he didn't realise when I _did_ notice it, his face dropped and he quickly averted his eyes.

I also looked away hastily.

But I also thought I saw his cheeks turn slightly pink.

Hang on, Sirius Black? Blushing? No way, it was totally – er – just the cold. Yeah.

In some desperate, crazy corner of my mind I felt slightly more at ease to think that he was feeling a little awkward about this, too. But then I remembered convincing myself like two seconds ago that he didn't really give a damn and then I was back to panic city.

We walked into the village in complete silence. My cheeks were burning – half with cold and half with embarrassment. The only sound between us was the soft crunching of ice beneath our feet. My trainers and his shoes. I slipped slightly a few times and my feeble attempts at recovering without being noticed were … well, feeble. And then, almost just as embarrassing, I started to laugh to myself (mostly _at_ myself, actually) out of pure awkwardness. And then Sirius shot me that sideways grin which he had meant for earlier, and he chuckled and shook his head slightly as he went back to watching his feet, his hands deep in the pockets of his long black greatcoat.

And I knew I was embarrassing myself but for some reason laughing made me feel better. At least he was laughing and not telling me I was a twat.

The silence wasn't so bad, come to think of it. I had nothing to say. I wasn't one for small talk, and Sirius obviously just wasn't arsed one way or the other. As long as I could feel comfortable then I had nothing to fret over – awkward silence can be easily turned into comfortable silence just by your own state of mind (some of my personal words of wisdom). So this was cool. Me and Sirius, walking to Hogsmeade together. It wouldn't be a long trip, I reckoned. I could definitely deal with this.

We passed by the Three Broomsticks and didn't even need to confirm with each other that we wouldn't be going in. The place was packed – it looked like most of the students were inside or trying to get in from the cold (the light drifting snow wasn't impressive enough for people to want to stay out in it).

I vaguely wondered if Sirius didn't want to be seen with me. But then, did I not want to be seen with him?

We trudged through the village. I let him lead the way, but I wasn't exactly sure if he knew that. I thought more than once that we could easily be wandering aimlessly, neither of us knowing where we planned on going and simply relying on the assumption that the other one did.

It entered my head when we reached the outskirts that maybe he did know where he was going after all. We stopped at an old fence, and both of us squinted up and studied the abandoned shack on the opposite side of it.

There had been a lot of hype about the Shrieking Shack for as long as I could remember. Since my first year at the school I had heard talk of the residents of Hogsmeade village complaining about the noise coming from the place. Groans and cries and clattering and the likes, which is how it got it's name. I would have thought they would just get used to it, but apparently it only got really bad in the last decade or something. I think they must have tried to do something about it at first, but there was a rumour that the last villagers who went into the place never came out again. They said it was haunted by a particularly nasty crowd of ghosts … but I don't understand how ghosts could make a racket like that if they're not even solid. Ghouls, maybe. Or any sort of magical creature, I suppose.

I had no idea if it was even dangerous, but anyway, it was just a perfectly normal, if a little creepy, abandoned building during the day.

Not the most common of hang-out spots, I'll grant you. But still, it seemed like the kind of thing the guys would be into. And there was something mysterious and calm about the rickety old place, as the snow fell gently from the few white clouds now scattered in a grey-blue sky. Everything was sparkling as well.

On second thought, it had probably just been the dead end of our random stroll.

We looked at the Shrieking Shack for a while.

And then I said _(not_ in an attempt at small talk, but actually something that just burst into my head and I had to blurt out), "I think we should crash their date."

Sirius took a moment, and then glanced at me. "You what?"

"You know," I explained, "crash it. Show up and embarrass them." I grinned.

He contemplated me for a moment and then turned to the side, casually leaning his body against the fence and facing me. He raised his eyebrows a little sceptically, teasingly, almost. "So … you're suggesting that _you_ and _I_ go to Madam Puddifoot's teashop?"

I tapped my fingers on the fence and grinned again. "All right, I was only joking …"

He laughed and shook his head.

I looked at my hands in the Gryffindor gloves (simple proof of how seriously cold it was that I had agreed to wear them), resting on the fence. I swung forwards and backwards slightly. Sirius turned his head back to the shack and gazed up at it almost fondly.

"Have you ever been?"

I blinked. "What?"

He lowered his eyes to my face and knitted up his eyebrows in that way he does when he's wondering if I have a mental disability. It's just that stupid myth about Hufflepuffs and me being a little slow when I'm confused …

"Madam Puddifoot's," he said slowly, eyeing me up with a wry smile. "Have you been?"

"_What_?" I choked in alarm. "Are you joking? I thought that was pretty clear from our other conversations!"

He ran a hand through his hair, shaking a few specks of snow out of it. "Oh. It's just that when you said you saw him and Evans in there, I thought you might have known what the inside of the place looked like."

It literally took me a moment or two to remember when I had seen James and Lily in the teashop. Then I remembered the Divination day. "Oh, er … Nah, I could just see Zonko's through the window."

"Oh," he said.

"So, what – have you ever been there?"

Sirius blenched. "Ugh, no way. What do you think I am?"

I shrugged.

"Weren't you, er … " he started, looking away from me. He rubbed his neck and began again. "Didn't you go out with Andy Diggory?"

Unintentionally, I winced. Why was everyone bringing this up recently? And when I mean everyone, I mean Lily Evans and Sirius Black.

I rubbed the side of my face, pretending to be unperturbed. "… Yeah."

He looked at me and smirked a little. "And he didn't bring you there?"

"Nope," I said stiffly. "It's not really my kind of place, to be honest."

He stared at me, and a tiny smile played at the corners of his mouth. "But you're a _girl._"

I raised my eyebrows at him for a long minute. "You know, I was going to have a comeback to that but I'm actually just quite surprised that you were sweet enough to notice."

He grinned. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

I laughed and shrugged. "I dunno. That I wondered if you were actually aware that another gender of humans even existed?"

"Or that you act like a guy," he slagged.

"Or that you're … just … queer," I got out lamely.

"I'm not queer," he said with a strong glare of those powerful grey eyes.

"OK … "

He rolled his eyes and went back to studying the Shrieking Shack thoughtfully.

"I usually hate girls," he said rather suddenly.

I stared wide-eyed at my hands before shooting him a nervous glance. He looked at the ground and then met my eyes with no discernible expression.

"I'm not queer," he repeated. He averted his eyes away from me again. "Girls just annoy me."

I didn't say anything. My heart beat was a lot quicker than usual.

And then I became distinctly aware that this could explain why I thought he didn't like me in the beginning. It was pretty simple; he just didn't like girls. But then there was the word 'usually'. _I _usually_ hate girls. _

Was he including me in this?

He crossed his arms and kicked at the fence. "I just don't know how I'm expected to have a decent conversation with them. I reckon I'm just …" His voice faded away and he shrugged.

" … A lads' man?" I offered. He looked at me and narrowed his eyes. "I don't mean to say you're gay. I know you're not," I assured him. "But I think I know what you mean. I find it easier to talk to guys too."

His eyes raked over my face suspiciously, as if trying to figure out if I was lying, or taking the piss or something. "You do?" he asked.

"Yeah. There's less fuss," I said simply.

He looked like he was about to say something but then stopped himself. After a while he said, his voice a little rushed, "Girls are always coming up and trying to have a chat with me, and I just haven't the foggiest idea _why._ They're not even my mates! And they're so dense that they just start _giggling_ …" He made a noise of disgust.

"Your reaction to that must be priceless," I grinned.

"It's irritating," he said, with an exasperated sigh.

"Well, Sirius, you're a pretty cool guy so you'd have to expect that some girls would want to try chat you up," I said, laughing. He glared at me so I quickly stopped. "But I'd hazard a guess that they start giggling out of nerves when you come across all cold and intimidating …"

He turned his face to mine with his mouth hanging open slightly. _"What?_ I'm not _intimidating._" He scoffed a little.

I just looked at him, and he stopped abruptly. "I'm not!" he repeated in disbelief, leaning forwards earnestly.

"Er, OK," I said.

He shook his head. "Well, how come I don't intimidate _you,_ then?"

I laughed. "You do."

"_What?_ _Really?_"

"Absolutely."

He stared at me in shock. It was a long moment before he shook his head again and managed to get out in a sarcastic tone, "So you're intimidated right now, are you?"

I looked him up and down, from his soft-looking dark hair and his handsome face to his greatcoat, worn casually unbuttoned, and his grey chino trousers and good shoes. He smirked a little when my eyes stopped on his face again. "No … not really. I'm getting used to it."

He laughed and pushed his hair out of his face. "Well, that's good I suppose. I'm terribly sorry about that," he said, nudging my arm lightly and then stopping and looking at his elbow as if he had not meant to do that. He shook himself. "I swear, it's not intentional."

His eyes glinted with humour and I grinned back. "That's all right."

"Merlin's beard, this is interesting," he laughed. "Now I know how to get rid of the next girl who tries chatting to me."

"If you want to get rid of me that badly, you can just say so," I said with a smile.

He smiled back, shook his head slightly, and didn't say anything.

I studied him for a moment and then said, "You don't count me as a girl at all, do you."

He scratched his neck and grinned sheepishly. "Does that offend you?"

I laughed and looked down at the fence. I was used to being thought of by boys as one of the lads. It comes with the whole preferring to hang out with guys thing.

"It's just because _you're_ not like all those girls," he said with an assuring tone. "… You don't talk about stupid things like hair and make-up and boys and clothes …"

I laughed. "Sirius, how often do you actually talk to girls?"

He smiled at me. "Other than you, you mean?" I stopped and then shrugged my arms up. "I avoid it. And I tend to pull a legger if they start giggling."

We were both laughing now.

"But seriously," he said after a while, "You're probably the only girl in the school that I find remotely interesting."

My heart was going very quick again, and I feared that I was blushing ferociously. "I … That's an exaggeration."

"No, it's not."

I made a face. "We've only talked properly like twice anyway!"

"Now _that's_ an exaggeration."

"But – but our conversations aren't exactly varied. We only ever talk about James."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at me. "And what do you call this conversation, then?"

I lowered my eyes but couldn't help grinning in submission. But he was still exaggerating.

"Yep," he said smartly. "And that is why you're the exception, and the only girl that I could ever bear to carry a full conversation with." He shot me half a smile. "And I completely believe it, too. Must be a Hufflepuff thing …"

I felt like this conversation should have freaked me out a hell of a lot more than it did. But I was actually feeling pretty chilled (and not just because of the weather) because … well, I knew Sirius didn't feel anything for me. And it really pains me to use this word, but I really did like him quite a bit as a _friend._ Now that I knew he didn't hate me, anyway.

He's a bit more like James in the waffling department than I realised, though.

So I just ended up joining him in laughing about it and spending a little while longer talking and joking around and stuff. It was very easy all of a sudden. I don't know if he was aware of it, but he seemed a lot gentler now. Maybe it was just me feeling a lot less uneasy and not analysing everything so much. Any serious discussion between us was forgotten almost as soon as it was over.

It was a good while later when he was leaning against the front of the rickety fence and he asked, "Does it scare you?"

"What, Madam Pudifoot's?"

He barked with laughter and slapped his hand to his head. "No, the Shack," he said, grinning at me. "I already know that the teashop is pretty frightening."

I hugged myself and looked up at the creaky old building. "Well, not right now, obviously. I'm sure it's creepier at night."

He considered me for a while, his arms folded. He narrowed his eyes slightly and smirked. "Do you know what's in there?"

I tapped my fingers on the fence and met his eyes. "Probably a bunch of students from scumbag college throwing mad wild parties."

He grinned.

"Or where Filch takes the special detention kids, I expect."

He screwed up his eyes laughing and shook his head.

"They say it's ghosts, right?"

He searched my face with his eyes for a minute or two, and then bobbed his head non-committally. He was wearing a slight smile. I didn't ask.

Soon after that we decided that we should probably head back to the castle instead of freezing our asses off by standing there. And the rest of Hogsmeade was 'boring', in Sirius's opinion.

As we were walking out of the village, however, he seemed to be struck with the realisation that he needed something in Honeydukes. Probably to stock up on the seemingly endless supply of sweets that the two of them were always carrying around.

"What was it that you needed, again?" I asked, after we had slipped unnoticed into the bustling shop. I was a little relieved at that, not that I didn't want people to see us together, but I could really do without any wild rumours emerging from this.

I glanced up from examining the hundreds of types of chocolate along a shelf at the back wall of the shop. He had led us as far as there and then stopped.

He didn't answer me, but was standing aimlessly by the counter, looking all around the shop in that aloof, bored manner of his.

I chuckled a little to myself and went back to looking at the chocolate. Then I stopped and looked around the place, wondering if Aubrey had picked up the Sugar Quills for the next term's History of Magic lessons. I thought it was his turn but I couldn't remember …

And then a hand closed around my elbow, and I felt someone close to me. I looked around to see Sirius right beside me. He gave a quick smirk and muttered, "This way," before hurriedly pulling me behind the counter and through a door; completely unseen in the busy shop.

Sirius tripped lightly down a small wooden staircase into a low-lighted basement with crates and boxes stacked up high – the storeroom.

"Sirius … what the fuck?" I hissed.

He waved a hand dismissively and then beckoned to me, grinning.

I followed him apprehensively into the room below, my heart beating frantically against my chest.

Excitement overpowered the nerves when he pushed one crate a little to the side, knelt to the dusty floor and lifted a trapdoor.

I stared speechless from him to the dark passageway and back again.

"Secret shortcut," he said, grinning.

"I'm not even gonna ask how you found this," I said breathlessly.

"Good, because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer to that."

His head cocked suddenly towards the door, like a dog that had heard a small noise. He indicated for me to go first.

I stood my ground, shaking my head quickly. "You first."

I got a fleeting memory of the first day I hung out with him, when I had voiced this same doubt over trusting that they hadn't tampered with the drink.

But this time, Sirius did not comply with a shrug. Instead, he kept his hold on the trapdoor and whispered urgently, "Go on! Trust me."

For a split second I stared at him with wide eyes and he held my gaze assertively. Then I clenched my teeth and clambered down into the dark hole. I pressed my back against the cold, earthy walls of the passage, and a moment later he landed nimbly beside me, closing the trapdoor and encasing us in darkness.

Everything was silent but for our own heavy breathing. I blinked to try and adjust my eyes to the blackness. From the dim light seeping through the cracks above us I could only vaguely make out Sirius's dark figure, his face inches from mine as he bent his head to stop it knocking against the ceiling.

There was a moment that seemed to last an hour or so, in which I was very aware that his face shouldn't be allowed to be so close to my face.

"You should feel right at home, badger," he said in half a whisper.

I couldn't really trust myself to speak.

After a moment he sighed impatiently and said, "All right, all right, I'll go first!"

I kept as close behind him as I dared as we descended a steep flight of steps and began the trek along an even longer flat trail.

"Sirius … where does this lead?"

"I said it was a shortcut, didn't I?"

"The trouble is I don't think I believe you."

I heard him laugh a little.

"You're taking me somewhere where you can murder me and they won't be able to find the body, aren't you?"

"You have issues," he said simply.

It was getting really warm despite the passage being cool. I was sweating a little.

Then an idea hit me. "Does this go to the Shrieking Shack?"

He stopped abruptly and I bumped into him. He turned around, which, unless his eyesight was a lot better than mine, was completely pointless. "What makes you say that?" he asked curiously.

"Haven't you ever noticed that place has no doors or windows?" He didn't say anything and I wiped my forehead. "But, actually, I think it's the other way. My sense of direction is completely gone, though. We could be going in circles for all I know."

"It goes to the castle," he assured me. I could hear the grin in his voice.

I didn't say anything, but made a face in the dark.

He laughed again. "You really don't trust me, do you?"

I shook my head, and then remembered he couldn't see me and said, "It's nothing personal."

After the path began to steepen and I had to practically go it at a jog so as not to slide back down again, I was cursing him under my breath.

I was just thinking how infuriating he was, when the trail suddenly flattened out and Sirius halted too quickly without warning; and since I had been practically running up the slide, I knocked right into him again, and we were both thrown off balance and went tumbling out of the passage into a bright, open room.

I landed painfully on top of him with mixed swear words and grunts from both sides. I don't know how he had managed to turn himself around during the little struggle back there, but now we were most definitely, and _most_ awkwardly, face to face, which was rather inconvenient seeing as our body's were pressed uncomfortably together and out faces waaaay too close. I blinked at him, stunned, and he inhaled a little sharply as his eyes met mine.

"Hello there," he said with a cheeky half-grin. But I'm sure he would have agreed that the overall cool effect was somewhat spoiled by his breathlessness.

I got up as far as my elbows and looked around to see that the passage had actually emerged in Hogwarts after all, along a corridor somewhere. I had barely the chance to think how embarrassing and perfect it would be if someone happened to come across us, when I heard footsteps and who should turn the nearest corner, but James.

I got an almost overwhelming desire to laugh, because nobody was quite able to perfect the deer-caught-in-headlights look like James Potter. He halted abruptly and stared at us with his mouth agape.

Honestly, of _all_ people. I don't know how these two did it, but they did always seem to show up in the most convenient of places.

So, this was embarrassing.

Almost as soon as the thought entered my head a notion came to me. It didn't have to be embarrassing. Sirius certainly wouldn't let it be. He would turn it around the other way.

Without even needing a glance of confirmation with each other, we both knew what we would do.

I pushed myself up off of him and positioned myself so that I was now straddling him. His hand had already sneaked gently around my waist. "Oh, hey James!" I said in a disgustingly bright voice, and still a little out of breath.

I could feel Sirius shaking with silent laughter under me, yet his expression gave nothing away as he hoisted himself up on his elbows. "All right, mate?" he said, grinning.

James continued to stare, enjoying a dramatically long silence. Eventually he rolled his eyes. "Merlin, I can't even leave you two alone for a few hours, can I?"

"A little bit longer would be nice," said Sirius in a quiet, dark voice that made my stomach flip over.

"We're a little busy," I said with a small laugh.

"I can see that," said James. For a little bit longer he looked at us and narrowed his eyes, clearly wondering when we were going to tell him we were joking. He was looking a little worried now.

I kept forcing the smile and then turned and looked at Sirius, my hands feeling very awkward on his chest and shoulders. He glanced at me and swallowed a little.

"So are you coming or what?" called James uncertainly. We both looked quickly away from each other and up at him. "Or if you need some more – er – _alone time_ …"

"I suppose it's all right," sighed Sirius. He met my eyes. "Are we finished?"

"I don't know," I said, trying to keep a straight face. "You never …" I glanced pointedly down at his crotch.

The reaction was absolutely comical. Sirius's mouth fell open and James looked aghast. I was just thinking that maybe I had taken it too far when Sirius fell back onto the ground, and began to roar with laughter.

"You're messing up the joke," I muttered to him, but couldn't help bursting out laughing myself. I looked up at James and he looked as though he was trying very hard to look disgusted but couldn't stop a small grin spread across his face.

"Dirty mind on that one," said James quietly, still looking a bit shocked. "You're a lucky man, Padfoot."

Sirius managed to stop laughing long enough to give his friend the thumbs up.

"Can we go now?" James asked.

Sirius gave a sigh and let go of me as I tumbled off him and got to my feet.

Sirius hopped up beside me with a wide grin, and followed after James who had begun walking away with a scowl.

"There's always later on," Sirius practically shouted, punching me lightly in the side and shooting me a cheerful wink – which I took to be an _incredible_ impression of James.

I giggled loudly, and James turned around to look at me in a concerned manner. Sirius frowned and glared at me in disgust.

I made a face and lowered my voice. "Can we stop now? I think I'm going to get sick."

"Thank fuck," he agreed.

He moved away from me to stand on the other side of James, and I suddenly realised that there was something important we were forgetting.

"How was the date?" I asked him.

"Oh, you've remembered about that, have you?"

I blinked a little and didn't know what to say so I glanced at Sirius. "Sorry, Prongs," he said quickly. "But is it over? … A tad short, wasn't it?"

James looked at his friend and fixed his glasses. "Not really … We've been gone like half the day!"

Sirius's face set into a frown and he furrowed his brow at the ceiling. He reached for his pocket, pulled out a pocket watch and checked the time. He looked over at me and raised his eyebrows. I shrugged a little. It definitely didn't seem like we had spent half the day together.

"And how did it go?" I asked hastily.

James stopped walking and looked at the floor. "It was … OK. I think. I don't know."

He bit his lip and started playing with his hair. Sirius slapped him sympathetically on the back.

He glanced up and his eyes shot between me and Sirius. "I think it was. We talked a lot."

Sirius said nothing, but we both saw his eyebrows raise slightly.

James hit him. "And _no,_ we didn't do anything more than that!" He grinned a little. "It was good. We had a good time. She – she was a bit nervous," he added shakily.

"_You_ were a bit nervous," laughed Sirius. "More than a bit."

"No I wasn't," James told me, rolling his eyes.

"You couldn't sleep at all last night, and I had to give you a shot of firewhiskey with your pumpkin juice this morning!"

"Well, I think it went all right. And we sort of vaguely agreed to go out again … I didn't want to rush things," continued James, smoothly ignoring the stabs made at him by Sirius.

"You've already promised the girl that you're going to marry her," said Sirius in exasperation.

"Yeah, if that's not rushing things then I don't know what is," I agreed.

James continued not to hear. "But what the hell are we going to do for a second date? It's gonna have to be something special-"

"Yeah, the second date's the special one," added Sirius sarcastically.

"- But what the bloody hell is there to do around here? And the next Hogsmeade trip won't be for absolutely ages …"

"Man, you see her _every day_," said Sirius with a roll of his eyes. "… And anyway, I don't know what you're so worried about. You already know things are going to work out. You need to relax."

And as we walked and listened to James give a full-blown account of his first date with his wife - from his inner-struggle over whether or not to hold her hand, to the bouquet of flowers he was convinced he saw in his teacup, to every single word that was said and all of the body language that he was certain was very meaningful - I did not think for one second that I would be (in any way, shape or form) involved in his second date, whether walking with him for moral support or being left behind with Sirius.

But how very wrong I was about that.

* * *

><p>Sorry, but this chapter was difficult. This was one of the chapters I wrote like last year and it was terrible so I had to change a lot of it. I'm fairly happy with it now though! I hope it was good and stuff! Still no Sirius X Holly for now, but they do seem to be getting closer, eh? I hope people liked it anyway … And thanks for all the support! Love you all!<p> 


	12. Second Dates

**- Chapter Twelve - **

**Second Dates**

It took me up until the end of the next week to realise that not only had I become a supporting role in the whole James-Lily love story, but I had also managed to become threaded with connections into Sirius's love life, too.

And, _no,_ I don't mean anything involving _me_ and Sirius. Don't even think about it.

The Clock Tower bell which was ringing out to welcome the weekend was almost drowned out by the gale force winds that had settled upon the castle by mid-December. Loose strands of hair were whipping around my face, and the rest was tucked into my scarf which I had wrapped halfway up to my eyes. I had just started across the courtyard.

"HOLLY!"

I looked around, pushing the hair out of my eyes, and caught a glimpse of James and Lily Evans to my left, evidently deep in conversation underneath the roofed part of the courtyard. My eyes quickly moved on to see Sirius standing there a few pane-less windows down, his eyes focused on me. And beside him stood Mary MacDonald.

She folded her arms and glared at me.

This could not be good.

Sirius held my gaze as I slowed down and turned to walk around the fountain in the middle of the cloisters.

Then Sirius leaned out of the window into the wind and yelled, "OI, HOLLY!"

A few people ahead of me turned around. I scowled and seriously considered ignoring him, but then just turned and made a beeline for the arched doorway of the covered walk anyway. Sirius stayed staring at me out of the window until I had come as far as the archway, and then he turned and faced me when I came through into the covered part and stopped in front of them.

"Are you deaf?" he asked quickly, and then set his face into a frown and looked at his feet.

I loosened my scarf and tried fixing my hair. "Hi?" I said awkwardly, looking from him to Mary MacDonald.

Mary shot Sirius a fierce glower and then raised herself up and smiled widely at me. "Hi, Holly Comstock."

"Hi, Mary MacDonald," I replied.

"So you got all that pus cleaned up, did you?"

I raised my eyebrows at her and she did the same, swinging her curly brown hair over her shoulder.

"Er, yeah. It didn't take too long."

"That's good," she said, all sympathetic.

I glanced at Sirius who now seemed to be very interested in ripping bits of moss out of the stone wall.

Was there an actual reason he called me over here?

Mary pressed her lips together in a small pout, but quickly recovered the smile. "I still thought it was _really_ mean of Professor Sprout to make you stay behind and clean it up."

I smiled and shrugged.

Mary cleared her throat and glared pointedly at Sirius, giving him no choice but to look up. He did this with raised eyebrows.

She leaned towards him with a simper. "Holly spilled half a bottle of bubotuber pus in Herbology just now."

Maybe I was just being paranoid, or maybe it was the fact that she was explaining my mishaps to Sirius as if I was a five year old, but I got the very distinct impression that she was trying to make me look like an idiot.

Sirius paused and then laughed shortly. "Clumsy," he said, shooting me a grin.

This time, her face dropped and she did not bother to force the smile any longer. She sighed impatiently and looked over my shoulder to where James and Lily were still chatting. "I don't think she'll be coming any time soon. I'll see you in the Common Room later, Sirius?"

Sirius made a noise of agreement and nodded.

Mary looked at the floor and then at me. "Bye, Holly Comstock."

"Bye," I said.

She turned on her heel and walked away. Sirius waved with a flick of his hand. He then slumped against a pillar and let out a long-winded groan.

I leaned against the arch.

"Thanks for that," he said, balling his hands into fists and rubbing them into his eyes wearily.

"No problem," I replied. "Er … What exactly was that?"

He glanced over my shoulder and then leaned a little closer. "I think she wanted me to ask her to Slughorn's party," he muttered.

"What?"

"You know, old Sluggy's Christmas do."

I thought about this for a moment. And then I froze. "Hang on – you didn't want to ask her out so you brought _me_ over?" I asked madly. "What the hell, Sirius? You're so-"

"I'm so what?" he shot back. "What am I?"

I didn't say anything.

"You think I'm an idiot, or something? You think I didn't know what I was doing? Well, I knew exactly what I was doing by bringing you over! Call it cruel, but isn't it better to make it completely clear that I'm not going to ask her out? Isn't that better than leading her on, giving her false hope? I wanted it to be blatantly obvious that I'm not interested!"

He took a deep breath and clenched his teeth, looking away from me hotly.

I swallowed and calmly tried to catch up on the breathing I forgot to do over the course of that conversation.

"Sorry," he muttered, meeting my eyes.

I shrugged awkwardly. "No, it's OK. I can see your reasoning …"

"I'm not sorry about _that,"_ he corrected, looking away. "I'm sorry if that was awkward for you … and I think I sort of exploded at you just now."

I opened my mouth to reply but then James appeared beside Sirius and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," he said breathlessly, and then turned to me. He did a double-take. "Oh, hey Holly. I just asked Lily to Sluggy's party," he informed me. He stopped for a second to wave to Lily before she disappeared into the Clock Tower. He fixed his glasses, staring thoughtfully into the distance."Well, actually, she asked me …"

"Poof," I coughed.

"You really need to sort that out, mate," agreed Sirius.

"Well I'm not in the Slug Club, am I?" he reasoned. He turned to Sirius and quickly continued, "Where's Mary?"

"Gorn," replied Sirius.

James furrowed his brow. "So did you ask her to the party?"

Sirius's eyes widened madly. "Were you expecting me to?"

James gave a long groan and smacked himself in the face, before turning to stalk away.

Sirius glared after him and gave a low growl in his throat before following.

I thought about slipping away unnoticed but Sirius caught me by the scarf as he passed and dragged me with him.

I pretended to huffily retie my scarf against the wind. James turned around and pushed his hair out of his face. "C'mon, Padfoot, why didn't you ask her out?"

Sirius ran his hands brusquely through his hair and closed his eyes. "All right … _One_: _I don't go to Slug Club._"

"It's not just any Slug Club meeting," argued James, rolling his eyes. "It's the Christmas party. _Everyone_ goes. It's practically an open invitation! Right, Holly?"

I tried fixing my hair again once we entered the Clock Tower and headed up the stairs. I tugged awkwardly at my scarf. "Eh, sure," I said unconvincingly. "Well, Slughorn's mad about you anyway so I'm sure he'd love it if you just turned up!"

Sirius shot me a glare which clearly let me know that, in his opinion, I had picked the wrong side.

"Are you going?" James asked me.

"Oh God no."

"Yes," grinned Sirius. "See? _Two_: _I don't want to go_."

James halted at the top of the stairway and turned around to look down on us. "All right, stop. I see what this is about. _Three_: _you don't want to go with Mary MacDonald._ So what's wrong with her?"

"Nothing's wrong with her," answered Sirius calmly. "It's just that there's nothing special about her either …"

James stared at Sirius for a moment. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. "Look, mate, if you could actually give me a satisfactory reason then maybe I'd understand. But this is just excuses. You have to start dating sometime – and you might as well start now while we're surrounded by fit girls twenty-four-seven! I mean, it's getting a little weird, mate … you're eighteen and you've never had a proper girlfriend-"

"By choice," Sirius interjected through clenched teeth.

James waved his arms in frustration. "Just tell me why you won't go out with her and we can find some other girl! You know I can fix you up – is that what it is? Is there someone else you've got your eye on?"

James eyes flicked to me scrupulously. I raised my eyebrows in a threatening, do-you-want-to-voice-that-thought? kind of way.

"No," sighed Sirius, rubbing his temples. "I'm just seriously not interested."

James frowned in annoyance and began walking again. "Honestly, mate, people will start thinking that you're _actually_ gay. Or – or asexual or something-"

"Can't you just leave it?" shouted Sirius. "I don't want to go to the fucking party!"

"We're not even talking about the party any more …" James muttered moodily. Then, to my sheer displeasure, he turned to me. "Mary MacDonald's nice, right?"

"Yeah. She's OK," I replied. "It's also very convenient that she happens to be Lily's best friend, eh James?"

Sirius smiled thankfully at me, and then pointed at James. "See? You're a selfish bastard!"

"I'm doing this for _you,_ you dick!" yelled James. "Just tell me why you don't fancy Mary MacDonald!"

Sirius tugged at his hair violently.

"She's got a pretty great rack," mused James.

"All right, now I'm leaving," I decided. Sirius shot me a desperate look and I caved. "Er, Sirius … I have that book that I was telling you about, if you want it."

"Book, what book?" asked James.

"The play … Shakespeare," I said.

"Oh, yeah," agreed Sirius, nodding. "Right."

"I left in in the library, it'll only take a minute," I assured him.

"Yeah, cool," he said.

"But – but I'm going this way," interrupted James, pointing up the stairs of the Clock Tower.

"Great, I'll see you in the Common Room," called Sirius, already heading off down the corridor.

I gave James a quick wave, leaving him standing dumbstruck in the hallway, and rushed after Sirius.

We walked down the hallway, down a stairs and onto the fourth floor. As he marched, Sirius untied his scarf, leaving it hanging over his shoulders, opened his cloak and began unbuttoning his shirt and loosening his tie. When he was finished he shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

He glanced sideways at me after an extended silence. "Shakespeare?" he asked questioningly.

"Yeah, I'm not sure if I have any with me," I said distractedly, pulling my bag around to the front and rooting for a while.

He stopped and then I stopped, putting my bag on the ground to keep rummaging.

Sirius cocked his head to one side and sucked in his cheeks. "You read Shakespeare?"

"Well, sort of, yeah," I said. I looked up at him. "Have you heard of him?"

"Yeah. I read about him in Muggle Studies."

I pulled a battered copy out of my bag. "Sorry, all I've got is Beckett."

He took the play from me and looked at the cover. He fiddled with the card bookmark sticking out on one side. "Were you using this?"

"No, it's fine. I've been trying to sit down and read it all year but haven't had the chance. You can take it."

He looked down at the cover again. "I might read this," he said. He met my eyes. "Thanks."

I knew he didn't mean just for the book.

"No problem. I, er … I don't deal with peer pressure well."

"That's twice today," he said after a pause.

"Twice what?"

"Twice."

"Will he keep harping on about it?"

"Probably." He paused and scanned my face. "Does it bother you?"

"A little."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"I mean, I know why it bothers me, but why did it bother you?"

"It bothered me because it bothers you, I suppose."

"Empathy."

"Mm."

He tugged at his collar again. "So where are you off to now?"

I shrugged. "The library, I suppose."

"C'mon, I'll walk you over."

* * *

><p>The next Monday morning, my potion was brewing, I hadn't spilled too many dried Billywig stings, and I was content and ready to start clearing up.<p>

And it was just at that moment when Sirius appeared in front of my desk, leaned over the table and glared at the ceiling.

"You wanna go to Slughorn's party with me?"

So much for the Billywig stings. I was too busy gaping open-mouthed at the boy in front of me to care that I had just dropped the bottle and let it roll off the table. My heart and lungs seemed frozen in time, my brain turned into mush.

After a moment Sirius lowered his eyes to my face with a deadly, blank expression.

I inhaled sharply and turned around to the supply cupboard.

He followed me and leaned against the wall with arms folded. "All right, thanks for making this easy. It's not like I was already feeling like a total fool or anything. Really great."

"I thought you weren't going to Sluggy's do?" I asked a little shakily, looking up after throwing some ingredients back on the shelf without really paying attention.

Sirius reached out and straightened some of the jars meticulously. "I wasn't," he said, gritting his teeth. "But James is."

I studied him, and cocked an eyebrow.

Sirius sighed impatiently and returned my stare. "Look, it was his idea that I ask you. He reckons he needs some mates along for moral support, or just in case something goes wrong."

"Nothing's going to go wrong!"

"I know."

"So what do you reckon?"

"Well, he's my best mate."

"He's not mine. Why don't you just go with Lupin?"

"I can't _go with _Remus!"

"Why not? As friends, it's the same thing!"

"You know right bloody well it's not the same thing!"

"Why don't you go stag?"

"Because then I know I'll be on my own all night!"

"Then don't go," I suggested meekly. Sirius shrugged. "It's only a second date, he doesn't need 'moral support'." Sirius glared at me but did not answer. "I shouldn't even be the next in line for this 'moral support' thing."

"But you're great at that stuff."

"Oh, it's flattery now, is it?"

He frowned and kept lining boxes neatly on the shelf. "That wasn't intended as flattery."

"Well, the last time I was convinced into coming along for 'moral support' I did nothing at all and then ended up freezing my ass off in Hogsmeade with _you._"

"Hey, I offered you my coat!"

I thought about this for a minute. "No you didn't!"

"Yeah I did." He stopped straightening the potion ingredients and stood thoughtfully with his hand on the shelf. "Yeah I … Well, I _thought_ about offering you my coat."

I gazed up at him and said nothing.

He looked at me and gave a slight smirk. "You had a good time." After a moment the smirk drooped a little. "Relatively good." He frowned. "Decent …"

"'Moral support'?" I asked him.

He clucked his tongue. "Look, you know it's not about 'moral support'. Don't you know James at all? It's attention." He idly turned and picked the leftover ingredients off of my desk and transferred them to the cupboard. When he finished this he folded his arms again and leaned back against the shelf, studying me. "So will you come or not?"

"I've got no more arguments. But all my other arguments are still valid," I said. He grinned at me. "Fine, I'll go."

"Excellent, " he said, clapping his hands together.

"As friends, right?"

"What else?" he said, shooting me a dirty look and then laughing loudly.

A few Ravenclaws at the next table turned around and stared. I turned back around to my desk, making a face, and Sirius began quietly whistling a tune.

He moved back to the front of my desk deliberately slowly and gracefully. I couldn't help grinning at him a little.

He returned this grin as he put both hands on the table and leaned forward jauntily. "Right. Fantastic. It'll be fun."

"Relatively."

"Reasonably."

"_Interesting."_

"Right, so will I just pick you up at-"

"Can't we just meet up there?"

"Not at all, I'll pick you up. Outside your Common Room?"

"You don't know where my Common Room is."

"_Right. _The Entrance Hall, then?"

"Fine."

"At-" He stopped suddenly and went completely still, staring fixedly at something to my right. Then, very suddenly and very loudly, he barked, "Keep walking, Snivelly, I've only just washed my hair this morning!"

I glanced around to see Severus Snape sliding into his seat. He wasn't looking at us but he had his eyebrows raised contemptuously.

Hoping to continue the conversation regardless of the minor interruption, I quickly looked back at Sirius to find him completely in a trance, glaring at the Slytherin with his whole body tensed as if ready for a fight right there and then.

His teeth were bared. After a short pause I heard him growl under his breath. "He says one word … I'll kick his fucking teeth in …"

I coughed a little. It took him a moment, but eventually Sirius raised his head slightly, his eyes still focused fiercely on Snivellus and started, "Right … OK … So it's," he finally blinked and tore his eyes away to look at me again, "Entrance Hall, Friday night, eight o'clock?"

"Sure," I said.

His eyes flicked to Snape and back again. Finally back to attention, he grinned at me. I grinned back.

"It'll be a grand old time!" he said with mock-enthusiasm. "Morally supportive and all that."

I laughed a little too loudly and across the room Slughorn whirled around in surprise. Sirius sniggered and shot me a grin before slinking away inconspicuously back to his table.

After a few minutes I heard Snape mutter, "Not that I wouldn't love to get my teeth _kicked in_ …"

But I was smiling to myself as I began idly stirring my cauldron and then stopped when I realised that wasn't part of the instructions.

* * *

><p>I was in a bit of a daze for the rest of the week, which was quite good in terms of the approaching holidays and Christmas and all that, but very, very bad when I thought about how quickly these exams were coming up.<p>

But, anyway, I sat down next to Aubrey in History of Magic the next day, handed him a Sugar Quill and airily popped my own one into my mouth.

"You should be happy," he whispered slyly.

"Why?" I asked hurriedly, suddenly suspicious and feeling my cheeks going red.

"I think Evans and Potter are officially going out now."

"Oh," I said, smiling. "That's cool."

"They went on a date in Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, Madam Puddifoot's," I laughed. He looked at me, not getting the joke, so I stopped. "How d'you know about that?"

"_Everyone_ knows about that," he replied.

It was halfway through the class when he explained, "I was talking to Evans in Potions the other day. I think she really likes him."

I was scrawling untidily on a roll of parchment with my head lying on the desk. I looked up at him and nodded.

"They're going to Slughorn's Christmas party together, too," he continued, scratching his nose with his quill.

I nodded again and chewed on the Sugar Quill in my mouth.

For once, he stopped taking notes and turned his head to me. "You should come," he said. "It's the last one – for us anyway. And Slughorn _loves_ our year so he's bound to make it good."

I bobbed my head non-committally and crunched the sugar with my teeth.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You're going to the party?"

"I am."

"Someone asked you?"

"Yeah."

His eyes narrowed further. "And you said _yes?_"

I nodded.

"Who was it?" he asked incredulously.

I swallowed. "Sirius Black …"

He dropped his pen and his mouth fell open. I straightened up and glanced at him.

After a very long silence, he smirked a little and said, "I _see._"

"Just as friends, obviously," I amended quickly.

"Obviously?" he asked, shaking his head in wonder. "Since when are you friends with Sirius Black?"

"We are totally the best of friends that ever there was. Didn't you know?" I lay my head back down on the desk and groaned lightly. "I don't _know._"

"Do you like him?"

"'Course," I said, chewing. "He's cool."

"You know what I mean."

I looked up at him.

He picked up his quill. "Do you _like_ like him?"

"What?" I asked in shock. "… Nah. I don't think so. It's unnatural."

"It's the most natural thing in the world!" he argued. "Even I know that Black's an _extremely_ good-looking guy."

"Yeah, well, you're queer."

"No, I'm not. It _is_ natural. It's easy."

"Exactly. It's _too_ easy to like him. If you know what I mean. It's so cliché to fancy Sirius Black. I'm not an idiot. And actually," I added, doodling a picture of Urg the Unclean on the side of my notes, "I don't think I would like him anyway. He's a cool guy. We're friends and I like it that way."

It was starting to feel a little weird talking about Sirius like this.

"You're using the F word," he said uncertainly. He scratched his head and went back to his note-taking. A moment later he looked up again, and said, "Does _he_ like _you_?"

"Well I should hope so, otherwise I'd wonder why he talks to me."

"You know what I mean."

"'Course not!" I answered, appalled. "It's Sirius Black!"

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Doesn't it?"

"What, is he gay?"

"No! Shut up."

"Maybe you've melted his icy heart …"

I made a face and looked up at him. "That's revolting."

"It's possible," he said. "If anyone could do it, you could."

"You're starting to freak me out, Aubrey."

"You went to Hogsmeade with him?"

"… Yeah."

"Well," he said, all smarmy. He seemed to think that that settled the discussion.

He didn't say anything and we went back to taking notes for a while.

"I know!" he exclaimed suddenly. I looked up at him. He leaned a little closer and slammed his fist decisively on my parchment. "You dress like an absolute _tart _at the party."

I stared at him. "You must have _so_ much respect for me."

"No, you see – you act all flirty and endearing, and if he's got any sense at all he'll go for it!"

"I don't see why that would be a good thing?"

"Think about it!" he cried exasperatedly. "People in this school would pay good money to know whether _the_ Sirius Black is straight or bent!"

I stared at him. "You are _unbelievable._"

He rolled his eyes. "It's not as bad as it sounds. You'd be doing the school a massive favour. Girls need to know … and I'm sure a one or two of the guys would like to know …"

"Yeah, I'm sure _you'd_ like to know."

"I'm not queer," he said coolly.

"You're a bastard," I said with a smirk.

We glared at each other and then went back to taking notes.

After a while he sighed and said, "If I thought there was the _slightest_ chance you'd agree to go to the party, I would have asked you as friends myself!"

"Sorry," I said.

He paused. "You wouldn't have gone with _me_ as friends if I'd asked you."

And I couldn't say anything because it was completely true. And I knew that Aubrey didn't care. But I just didn't like what he was insinuating.

And by the end of the class the daze seemed to have lifted, and it hit me that I actually had to physically go to Slughorn's party. With Sirius. And socialise. And pretend to have a good time. And give 'moral support' if needed. And stand awkwardly in a crowded room with people staring at me and thinking we were on an actual date, and listen to smooth music and wanting to kill myself. With Sirius.

With Sirius.

With Sirius.

With Sirius.

With Sirius.

… And I didn't even have a dress.


	13. A Handsome Couple

**- Chapter Thirteen (Ooooh unlucky, eh?) -**

**Worst Party EVER**

Greta Catchlove had many dresses.

And Greta Catchlove was having a field day.

(I knew I shouldn't have trusted Aubrey to keep his mouth shut.)

"OMIGOSH, you're going out with Sirius Black! This-"

"I'm not going out with him!"

"-is INCREDIBLE! I didn't think he dated! But now you're – EEEH! I would be so jealous if it was anyone else in the school, but because it's you, I just _might_ be able to be happy for you! What am I saying, I'm SO happy for you! Do you need to borrow a dress?"

I was lying on my bed trying to suffocate myself with my pillow. I looked up and said, "Er, that'd be lovely, thanks."

"Oooh, can I do your make-up too? And your hair?"

I don't think I'll ever really understand how Greta managed to do it all in those few hours before the party on Friday night. She insisted on doing my make-up – because she's always wanted to do someone up with a lot of eye make-up but she never actually _knew_ anyone who wore much (the natural look was in these days) – and doing my hair, which took a hell of a long time and half a bottle of styling potion – and still ended up looking like my usual shortish mess, except a little more _tidily_ messy. And then there was the dress, which was pretty much like getting fitted in Madam Malkin's. Greta was a lot curvier than I was and a good bit taller, so the dress was a few sizes too big, but this didn't seem to embarrass her at all. She was pretty skilled with her charms, and so by the end of it all her strapless red dress fit me like a glove.

And she still got herself looking absolutely gorgeous by eight o'clock.

"You're going with Sirius Black, for God's sake, you have to look _amazing_," she said wisely.

I spat out some toothpaste and turned to her. "But Sirius is going to show me up no matter what! Beside him I'm going to look like a bloody ten year old boy!"

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, as she finished doing her lip gloss and then turned to me to fix my hair fussily again. "I think you could give him a run for his money …" She stopped and sighed heavily. "And now I've just remembered that he's filthy stinking rich as well. You are _so_ lucky."

"We're on'y fwiends," I said through a mouthful of toothbrush.

"I would _so_ be friends with that Sirius Black. I'd be _friends_ with him all night long …"

I choked a little and then burst out laughing.

And too soon it was half seven, and then twenty to eight, then ten to, and Greta was meeting Aubrey in the Entrance Hall and we both knew he'd be early so she went off. And then Dahna Mason, who used to be my best friend, left to meet Matthias Smith down in the Common Room, and I was left on my own.

I sat on my bed for a while, playing with the quilt, and then got up to stare in the mirror. I straightened my shoulders and fixed the way the dress fell down from my waist. I rubbed my sides; it was a little tight around my ribcage but not really in an uncomfortable way. I was just used to wearing baggy jumpers, not fitted dresses. And if it wasn't tight there the dress would simply fall down, because I did not have the chest to keep it up by myself.

I rubbed my face and screamed a little bit on the inside.

I couldn't go and see Sirius just yet. He was going to look heart-stoppingly, jaw-droppingly fantastic. And I just felt like a little girl playing dress-up.

I knew Sirius didn't care one way or the other, since neither of us even wanted to go to this godamn party in the first place. I fell back down on the bed and jumped up almost straight away to check myself in the mirror again. I hoped he didn't think I was trying too hard, but I literally couldn't have stopped Greta going overboard if I'd tried.

I clasped the edge of the dresser with both hands and glared at myself in the mirror. I didn't look much different to usual, really. I think Greta sort of took my usual style and just turned it into a more night-time look. My lips were red to match the dress, my eyes darkly shadowed. It kept coming back into my head that Sirius didn't like make-up. But I wore make-up all the time, so … OK, he said he didn't like girls who _talked_ about make-up all the time, right? I didn't look too different from usual. If he didn't like this, he didn't like me.

Why do I freaking care anyway? I don't. I don't. I don't care.

Do I care?

No. I don't.

I hate him so much.

I slumped back on the bed and lay down, staring at the ceiling.

Eventually, I realised that I really had to go.

I got up very slowly and went for the door.

Greymalkin was lying sprawled in the doorway, and when I walked around him he swiped at my leg, thinking I wanted to play, and caught the end of the dress with one of his claws.

I swore loudly and rushed back into the dormitory to fix it with my wand.

I made a face at the cat as I passed him more carefully this time, and he gazed up at me with wide, bemused green eyes.

Then I ran back to grab a cardigan.

As I crawled out of the Common Room hole I was vaguely glad I wasn't in Ravenclaw because I definitely could not get down all those stair in these shoes.

I was trudging along with pronounced reluctance, when I looked up to see a couple passing by a solitary figure standing by the entrance to the kitchens. The dark-haired boy glanced up at them and then went back to watching his feet, kicking at the floor grudgingly.

Quite suddenly he glanced up again in my direction and I had to take in a deep breath.

Sirius opened his mouth a little, and then closed it with a forced sort of smile.

I smiled back awkwardly and stopped in front of him, my heart feeling like it was swelling.

He had combed his hair back and it was looking soft and sleek yet still slightly dishevelled, a few bits stuck up on top and the sides were pushed back. It was wavy and I had to stop myself from drooling just by looking at it. And that was only his hair. His face was looking as flawless as ever, even more so just because of the rest of him being all done for the occasion. His deep grey eyes, straight nose, his smooth, pale skin, the way he sort of pushed his lips together in what you could only describe as a minor sullen pout. He was wearing, much less dress robes than a classic three piece Muggle suit; black jacket and trousers, white shirt, black tie and a low-dipping gold waistcoat. He had his jacket unbuttoned and wore a small, intricate lapel pin.

It was painful. I really, really hated him.

After a short pause, he clasped his hands together and said with pretend enthusiasm, "You look positively smashing, my dear gel!"

I laughed with a sound like crying. "You're lookin' rather spiffy yourself," I replied.

He laughed, and swallowed a little bit, and frowned. For the first time since he had glimpsed me initially, he let his eyes quickly leave my face, skim up and down, and then stop on my face again. I breathed deeply as he grinned a little sheepishly and kicked at the floor again.

There was a short silence and then he looked up again and said, "Oh, there were too many people in the Entrance Hall."

"Oh, right," I said.

He clucked his tongue awkwardly, and then went on. "Oh! I've got …" He pulled a face as he rummaged in his pocket, and procured a small box. He passed it to me. "… Here."

I was ogling at him slightly but I couldn't really help it. I opened the box and inside was a small, delicate corsage; a black flower on a simple gold pearl chain.

"Jesus-Christ-it's-gorgeous," I breathed.

"Thought it was suitable for the occasion," he said with a grin.

I didn't look up at him. I couldn't. I just muttered, "I hate you so much …"

I stared at the black flower for a moment and he stepped closer to take it out of the box and put it on my wrist for me. A black flower. How deliciously dismal. I felt, quite suitably, like I was going to a funeral. It took a while for what he said to reach my brain.

I admired it on my wrist and then laughed. "Suitable? So you're saying you won't be offended if I drown myself in the punchbowl, are you?"

He grinned and me, and stepped away again. "Hey, that was _my_ line! Then you could wear it to the funeral, you see."

"It had better make the headlines – double suicide at Hogwarts."

"I think we've got ourselves a pact," he said, smirking.

I didn't really know when Sirius and I had got comfortable enough to nonchalantly contemplate suicide together without worrying about offending anyone. It felt like I already knew him well enough to know when he could take a joke, and what kind of joking was appropriate. We sort of had the same humour in that way, I think.

The conversation continued into the Entrance Hall. Sirius was just pointing out that if we Unbreakable-Vowed our suicide pact, that it was a win-win because we would die either way. I was consumed with laughter over this idea, when I had to stop abruptly when I noticed the amount of people standing in the Entrance Hall. Staring.

I felt my cheeks grow hot with a blush because I could see what they were thinking; why would Sirius Black take _her_ to the party?

I wondered vaguely why Sirius had felt the need to meet me down in the basement rather than here, just because there were too many people? Maybe he was embarrassed for all these people – including a few hopeful looking girls who may have been hoping for a last-minute invitation – to see him meeting up with me. But he was still walking through with me, it made no difference. No, against my better judgement I didn't think he didn't want to be seen with me.

But maybe it was nothing. It didn't matter anyway.

Sirius glanced at me when I suddenly stopped laughing and then looked over his shoulder as we walked up the Marble Staircase. Seemingly subconsciously, he walked slightly closer by my side.

Instead of walking up the Grand Staircase, Sirius headed down. I just followed him and he approached a portrait that I had never seen there before. He gave it a password ('Scurrilous Scoundrel') and a slightly eccentric Frenchman let us through his painting. And then we were on the floor of Slughorn's office. And, well, that sure saved a lot of effort.

And come to think of it, it was very handy because the corridors and staircases of the school were all decorated for Christmas, and there were sprigs of mistletoe creeping about everywhere. I had always thought that Sirius was rather instinctive, but maybe he was a man with a plan after all.

Halfway down the hallway he glanced sideways at me and then stopped suddenly, staring blatantly at my outfit. For a wild moment I thought that he had become very forward all of a sudden, before he laughed and said, "You're wearing Gryffindor!"

I blinked in surprise, and then looked down at myself. Sure enough, there was the red dress and gold jewellery. I was going to have to kill Greta Catchlove.

He laughed again. "Did you do that on purpose?" he asked teasingly.

"No I fucking didn't! And did you – well – look at you, wearing Hufflepuff!" I plucked at the front of his waistcoat, which at a closer look was not gold at all, but yellow.

He looked down at himself, and I could actually see the moment when it struck him. "Wha - No! This is … _Actually_ …" He huffed dismissively. "This is _gold_."

"It's clearly yellow," I teased.

"No, it's not."

I didn't say anything.

"All right, all right, it's bleeding yellow!"

"'Puff," I coughed.

He rolled his eyes and kept walking. "This is great, just another reason to want to kill myself."

I laughed, and he grinned.

"I was actually going to wear a green one that I got off … that I got ages ago," he said quickly. "But I like this one better."

"Yeah, the yellow tends to look good with the black," I said.

He stretched and straightened himself out confidently. "Yeah, I'm kinda liking this classy Muggle look. I think I'll do it more often."

"That's good. I always thought you didn't dress enough like an upper-class aristocrat anyway."

He shuddered and shot me a look in between that of a scowl and a grin.

We were pretty much just in the door when Slughorn cried out in greeting to us and dragged us over for a preliminary chat. He didn't seem surprised at all that we had shown up without invitation.

"Ah, Holly, my girl! I knew you'd come!" He beamed at me and smoothed the front of his smoking jacket over his enormous belly. He elbowed Sirius, who flinched back and glared at him. "I said to myself, if I could accomplish anything at all this year, it would be to have Holly Comstock rejoin the Slug Club! And here you are!" He took a large drink from his glass, and then spluttered a little. "And – who is this you've got with you – none other than Sirius Black!" He winked at me. "An elusive man, I'll grant you! Came to the first meeting and never saw hide nor hair of him at the Club again!"

"Well, it's not really my kind of thing," said Sirius, grinning.

Slughorn nodded knowledgeably. "Well, I can understand that m'boy. Holly, on the other hand, came for – how long was it? – five years! And _then_ she just stopped all of a sudden!"

"Oho!" said Sirius dramatically, and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. "Five years, you say?" He smirked at me and I scowled.

"I did! And she was an excellent personality at all the parties – But enough of that!" He stopped and beamed up at the two of us, his face slightly pink. "Well, I say – what a handsome couple this is!"

Sirius and I snorted, and then glanced at each other while trying to stifle the laughter.

"What do you think of the place?"

"It looks really amazing," I said truthfully, looking around at the oversized office hung with draping silks and garlands of holly and mistletoe.

"And the band, of course! They're big news at the moment – The Hobgoblins. There's Stubby Boardman over there, an old student of mine … Have you heard of them?"

"I have, actually!" I said, pretty shocked at this. The Hobgoblins were an actual band, not some background musicians that nobody ever listens to. "We've got one of their albums in the Common Room!"

Sirius drew back and looked at me. "You've got a gramophone in your Common Room?"

"Yeah, a kind donation from some generous Hufflepuff alumnus," I sneered.

Slughorn cocked his head to the side and frowned at the music. "Yes, they're not bad, are they?"

"Ah, well I like a bit of T-Rex, myself, for dancing to," I said jokingly.

Both Slughorn and Sirius stared at me.

"Oh, sorry. Muggle band."

Slughorn either did not care or did not notice, but was about to spout out in conversation again when a boy with a camera appeared and glanced expectantly at Slughorn and then at us. "A picture of the … er, _handsome_ couple?"

"Of course!"

We all shuffled together and Slughorn raised his glass at the camera. My face was hurting from all the socialising. I stole a glance at Sirius on the opposite side of Slughorn's belly. He met my eyes and stuck his tongue out like he was retching, and we both had to look away and hold in the laughter again.

"All right, Adrian, thank you!" said Slughorn drily, slapping us both on the backs. Then he squinted up at Sirius, and said, "Why, you know Sirius, when you came in just now I was _sure_ you were Reg- Ah, Alyssa, there you are!" he interrupted himself. He gave us a quick smile and said to Sirius, "You do look so much alike!" and then bid us a hasty farewell so as to get on with his next visitor.

Sirius had gone stiff, and was glaring after Slughorn with his teeth clenched together. There was a muscle going in his jaw. His eyes slowly roved around to the front and for a moment he glared into space, and I would have been sure that Severus Snape was standing right in front of his eyes he looked so sober.

After a long moment, he breathed out heavily through his teeth and then said, "Well, that's me gone." He grabbed a glass off a passing tray carried by a house-elf, downed it in one and threw the empty glass back onto another tray.

I raised my eyebrows at him and he glared at the floor for a moment or two.

Reg … Reg … Was there a Reg in the school at some point … Or Reginald or something … Nope, I don't know. Not gonna try understand neither.

Sirius glanced up and growled, "Well, that Stubby Boardman bloke is giving you the eyes – let's go." And with that he grabbed my arm and dragged me into the throng.

A stream of apologies were flowing from my mouth as we pushed through the crowds, Sirius pulling me along with no respect whatsoever for anyone else.

We reached the far side of the table of appetizers, and Sirius looked at the punchbowl as if seriously contemplating suicide. Then he just sighed and poured me a cup before getting one for himself and sipping it while glaring around in sullen silence.

I watched him for a moment and then decided to let him be.

There was a sort of dance-floor across from us where a few couples were spinning around in a half-waltz. That was another new addition to the Slug Club Christmas do, in competition with the real-life band. It wasn't long before I spotted the fiery red hair of Lily Evans twisted into perfect curls down her back, her face full of laughter as she looked into the soft brown eyes of her date. James had only the slightest of smiles on his, but his eyes raked over her face as if determined to take in every detail so that he could remember this moment in clear precision for the rest of his life.

His mouth moved, telling a joke, and she laughed again, her face lighting up. He grinned widely to see the smile on her face. She rested her head on his shoulder and he closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of her hair, then planted a delicate kiss on the top of her head.

"Do you want to dance or something?"

I hastily looked away and glanced at Sirius. I was clutching my cup tightly and I loosened my grip on it a little shakily. What was wrong with me?

I had expected there to be sarcasm in his voice with a question like that, but his face was serious, if only a little unenthusiastic.

I made a face. "Not especially."

"Good," he quickly agreed.

We both took awkward sips from our punch.

If there had been any moment during the pre-party conversation we had where I had felt that, just maybe, this night wasn't going to be as bad as I expected – well, that hope was now quickly dissipating.

Maybe the suicide pact would turn out not to be such a joke.

"Heeey!" came James's voice, as he led Lily from the dance-floor and greeted us. He poured them both a cup from the punchbowl.

"Good party, isn't it?" said Lily.

"Yeah, it's not bad!" I said as cheerfully as I could manage.

Sirius didn't say anything but stared fixedly into his cup.

I saw Lily's face drop nervously. She looked at me and gave a bracing smile. "I've just seen Mary, I should go say hi!" she told James.

He nodded and watched her carefully as she disappeared into the crowd.

Then he turned back to us with a grin, which quickly faltered as he copped Sirius's expression. "What's with the mug, eh?"

Sirius looked up slowly and raised his eyebrows in threat.

This did not seem to have any effect on James, but I was holding my breath.

"Come on, mate, you're here at this party with an amazing girl – who looks absolutely gorgeous by the way-" he shot me a wink "and-"

"Why don't you just keep your eyes on your own date, Prongs?" snapped Sirius.

James blinked and then raised his hands to shoulder height in submission, before he turned and walked away into the crowd after Lily.

Sirius screwed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples.

I was sort of frozen, forcing myself to inhale and exhale normally. Now that Sirius had got in a bad mood – and I still don't understand how that happened – what was going to come of the night now?

I looked down at all the food on the table in front of us and figured that I would either end up eating or drinking myself to death at this party out of boredom, and right now I'd prefer it to be eating.

I realised that I didn't even care if Sirius was in a bad mood. If I was here with anyone else I would have felt obliged to do something fun or be entertaining, but with Sirius I didn't mind in the slightest if we both just stood here and sulked.

"Hi Holly! Hi Sirius!"

I looked up to see Greta squeezing past a bunch of old warlocks in tall pointed hats, followed closely by the fair-haired Aubrey.

"Hi Greta," said Sirius and I at the same time, and then shot each other disgruntled looks.

"Hey Aubrey," I said.

"Hello Holly."

"Hello Bertram," said Sirius with a curt nod.

"Hello Sirius," replied Aubrey, mimicking the nod.

I looked from Sirius to Aubrey and back again, utterly baffled.

"Good party, isn't it?" supplied Greta.

"Yeah, not bad!" I said, all forced cheerfulness again.

"And you look amazing Holly, if I do say so myself! Doesn't she look amazing, Bertram?"

It was not Aubrey who replied, but Sirius. He addressed Aubrey with a smirk. "Sorry for stealing this one from you, mate." He slung his arm casually over my shoulder. "No hard feelings, eh?"

I gaped at Sirius. Aubrey and Greta stared at him. I blinked and looked at Greta. Greta looked at me and then at Aubrey. Aubrey raised his eyebrows at me and then continued staring at Sirius. Sirius smiled good-naturedly back at him.

I laughed loudly and said, "Wow, Sirius, I actually liked you better when you were grumpy."

Sirius blinked innocently back at me, and _I _could tell that he was trying very hard not to burst out laughing, but I wasn't sure if that was so obvious to the other two.

Aubrey opened his mouth, closed it again, and then cocked his eyebrow smarmily. He turned and walked away. Greta gave a quick wave and then followed him.

I rounded on Sirius. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you?"

He pressed his lips together and blew his stifled laughter out through his cheeks. "Did you see their faces? I wish you could see yours, actually. I'll go get you a mirror …"

He actually made to walk away but I grabbed his tie and pulled him back. He spluttered a little and rubbed his neck, grinning cheekily at me.

"That was not funny!"

"Yeah it was! Look at you, you're laughing right now!"

"I am not!" I argued, rubbing my face in vain to try and wipe the grin off.

He elbowed me. "You are." He looked around. "I can't believe you used to be in the Slug Club …"

He made a retching noise and I glowered at him.

"I don't think we can be friends any more," he said.

I shook my head.

"Urgh … Slug Club …"

"Look, I always hated it, I just never knew how to say no!"

"You should've been smart and got out early. Like me."

"Smart," I grumbled.

"Yes, smart. And anyway, that's no excuse. Ol' Sluggy is like the easiest person in the world to say no to …"

"But I always felt so bad, he's like my favourite teach-"

"- He's your _WHAT_?"

I rolled my eyes. "FAVOURITE TEACHER!"

Sirius gaped at me. "_Him_? Are you having a laugh?" When I didn't say anything he continued in shock. "You do – er – _know_ Slughorn don't you?" He turned me around and pointed him out to me in the crowd. "That fat little man in his dressing robe, taking advantage of other people lives and fame? Living in the comfortable and well-equipped shadows of other people without ever doing fuck all himself?"

I craned my neck. "Eh, yeah that's him. I mean, look at that tweed and bow tie. He's adorable. You gotta love 'em."

Sirius squinted his eyes half shut and wrinkled his brow at the ceiling. "So … You're saying … if I wore a bow tie, would you think _I'm_ adorable?"

He smirked at me and I smirked back, trying not to blush. He fixed his tie, and he must really have known how exceptionally good he looked right at that moment. "No."

_But you'd look so fucking sexy._

He looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "You definitely don't want to dance or anything?"

"No, I'm good."

"But – hey, I mean, why not? You embarrassed of me?"

"More embarrassed of myself, I think …"

Damn I should NOT have said that.

His eyes widened and glinted mischievously. "What – can't you dance?"

"Um … Well, just because I don't _like_ to-"

He shook his head, grinning, and grabbed my arm to pull me out onto the dance-floor.

I wrenched my wrist from his grasp and folded my arms. He sighed and smoothed his hair back. I found my eyes following a single curl that slipped from the rest to fall aimlessly across his forehead. Blinking, I looked down to see him extend a hand, a sly grin playing on his naturally composed face.

"Noooo …" I moaned lightly.

He mimicked me by folding his arms and pouting, and it took a lot of effort not to crack a smile. We were now standing in the middle of the dance-floor which was not exactly empty; dancing couples were spinning all around us, and shooting us odd looks as we remained stock still among them.

I uncrossed my arms but shook my head. "I'm leaving – you're just doing this to embarrass me."

"No no no," he crooned softly, moving closer and reaching out to gently but firmly place one of my hands on his shoulder, and held my other hand in his own. He moved deliberately and slowly, looking me in the eyes with clear waiting-for-permission consideration. "See, everyone thinks they look stupid dancing. You can dance on my feet if you like."

He pushed me away slightly and kicked out one of his feet with a smirk.

My hand felt very strange on his shoulder, and I could already feel beads of sweat breaking the surface of my palms. I was already close enough to count his long dark eyelashes, my neck bent back to actually see into his face, and standing on his feet would make us even closer …

I laughed loudly, a little timidly, and said, "Ah ha, you realise I'm wearing heels, right?"

For a spit second he furrowed his brow, then he held me at arms length to look me up and down with his eyes wide. "I _knew_ you seemed taller!" He pulled me back towards him by the waist and my stomach did a massive flip. He looked down at me scornfully, showing off the remaining, significant height difference with an arrogant grin. "Though it hardly makes a difference … You're still pretty tinchy."

"I'm not _that_ short," I grumbled.

"You kinda are …"

"C'mon, you've never slagged me over my height before!"

"I never noticed before," he said matter-of-factly. "But if this is you in heels and you can't even reach," he stuck up his nose and sniggered, "my chin …"

"Fine!" I said, and let go of him, twisting my hand out of his. I then had to put my hand back on his shoulder to balance as I took off the shoes and chucked them under the refreshments table. I grabbed his hand again.

He blinked down at me, and I now found myself staring at the little hollow at the base of his neck rather than at his Adam's apple like before I had taken off the shoes. I blew a bit of hair out of my face, trying to remember what I was trying to prove with this.

"Right," he said slowly.

My hand was a little limp on his shoulder, but I was unable to move it. My eyes raked over the straight line of his jacket across his perfectly shaped shoulders, the way that the top button of his shirt was not done up but only appeared to be by the placing of his tie, the thick black hair flowing halfway down his neck …

I could hear the smirk in his voice. I didn't think that should be possible. How long have I known him, and already and I can know the particular sound of a smile in his voice?

Yet I had never noticed how low and rumbling his voice was. Dull, even, and all one tone. And very occasionally, a little tremulous.

"So … may I have this dance?"

"Aren't we already dancing?"

"No, Holly, this would be what we call _standing."_

I grinned and looked up at him. Then I rolled my eyes. He grinned back.

And so we set off on the most ridiculously dramatised form of steps that shouldn't even be called dancing. We did not so much waltz as leap around between all the other couples, knocking people past us, while I made weak attempts at apologising through fits of laughter. Sirius would lead us in one direction, then suddenly turn and bomb in the other, swaying haphazardly from left to right and making exaggerated dips and spins at random intervals. I was out of breath pretty quickly and had to lean on him to stop myself collapsing with the laughter. He was laughing freely too, and didn't seem to have a care in the world.

And then the song ended, and Sirius whooped and whistled loudly. I tried to hide my face and wipe the tears of mirth from my eyes at the same time. So any chance of keeping a low profile at this party, so as not to attract any suspicion, rumours, gossip or any of that lark, was now hopelessly lost. You would honestly think he was doing it on purpose.

The next song that started was slower, and I looked up at Sirius to see him frown slightly, then blink once. His hand holding mine did not slacken, and his other stayed gently holding on to my waist. He grinned and we rocked back and forth for a bit, then gradually slowed right down until we were just swaying on the spot. I stared over his shoulder, feeling very sleepy all of a sudden, and let my head drop comfortably against his chest.

For a moment, there was a pause, and then he moved his head slightly to nudge against mine.

We stopped dancing, and I heard Sirius give a gentle sigh. Then he abruptly stepped back from me, yawned, and turned to walk away towards the refreshments table. I swallowed, and followed him.

I stopped beside him at the table, and decided not to think too much about whatever had just happened. I took up a glass of mead out of boredom. Sirius was standing by the punchbowl, with his head bent down and his eyes lowered. Inconspicuously, he nudged me. I met his eyes, and he held my gaze for a fleeting moment, before his eyes flicked downwards again. I followed his eyes down, and he quickly held open one side of his jacket to reveal an inside pocket. And sitting comfortably in the pocket; a glass bottle containing a clear liquid.

I blinked and looked back up at him. He met my eyes with a devilish glint, and glanced around the room fleetingly before whipping out the bottle and unscrewing the cap.

I took a calm sip of mead and looked around. There was nobody watching, party guests were chatting in groups all around and Slughorn himself was nowhere in sight. Not a single person was aware of the Marauder who was currently spiking the punch.

My eyes stopped on a certain pair; a tall, slender girl in a silver dress on the arm of a fairly handsome boy with long black hair. I think they might have been in the year below. They had just turned away from the crowd and were heading across the floor, but they were too cooped up in their own lives to notice us. By us, I mean Sirius.

Still, if one of them turned their heads they would have seen him, and I was acting the lookout so I nudged Sirius gently to warn him.

His eyes glanced up in an unconcerned manner, then he did a double take, almost jumping out of his skin. He knocked the bowl a little and sloshed some of the alcohol onto the table. He cursed and turned on his heel without a second thought. I followed him quickly, trying my best to look innocent as his shaking hands screwed the lid back on the bottle and stuffed it back into his pocket.

When we had left the table at a safe enough distance behind us, I felt it all right to ask in confusion, "They didn't see you, did they?"

He stopped abruptly and rubbed his face with both of his hands. "No, it's not that – I just …"

I watched him as his grey eyes searched the air in front of him under a furrowed brow. It hit me that Sirius was acting a little odd tonight. He was dancing, for one thing. I'm pretty sure he actually nuzzled the side of my head. And now he appeared to be freaking out, which was very unlike the cool, collected Sirius Black that I knew and … knew.

He scratched his chin and met my eyes with a certain look of desperation. "So," he started hastily, "how do you like the party?"

I shrugged, and forced a bleak smile.

"You want to skive?" he asked in a low, urgent voice.

I thought about this for a moment, meeting his gaze as he searched my eyes anxiously.

I nodded shortly, and smiled.

The relief in his face was obvious as he sighed and turned to head for the door, one hand hovering behind the small of my back to usher me in the same direction.

We walked quickly and quietly out of Slughorn's office and back onto the seventh floor. The corridors were deserted and out tense footsteps echoed all around. Sirius walked straight ahead to the opposite end of the floor, then stopped suddenly. He leaned against the stone walls and heaved a great sigh.

I watched him as he closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair and tugged. He was breathing steadily in and out through his nose. I quietly went and stood against the wall beside him.

Eventually, his hands gave up from being twisted in his hair and dropped to his sides. He slumped slightly and visibly loosened up, but kept his eyes shut tight. Thinking.

Something was clearly up with him, and he wasn't even bothering to hide it. That was the strange thing. I knew Sirius well enough now; I had spent enough time with him to realise that although he seems cool-headed and easy-going most of the time, he can easily be put on edge and goes through mood-swings fairly often. He's a bit hard to read – just when I think he's relaxed he suddenly switches into a fury and shuts down, and then when I resign to that mood he suddenly comes back out of his shell and charms me into dancing flamboyantly in front of a crowd of people. When I think I've helped him by helping James sort out his Lily problem, he comes across gloomy instead of happy, and when I think he should be mad at me for messing everything up he ends up acting the agony aunt and comforting me. I think that nothing in hell could make him come to Sluggy's party, and yet he folds like paper just because James wants him to.

He got me a corsage for God's sake! What the hell was that about?

One thing I did know, was that Sirius was a private kind of guy. It's just the same with me; I like to sort stuff out in my own head and not bother other people with my worthless mind shit. In that way, I stay out of other peoples heads as much as I can. If Sirius didn't want to talk about it, then I wasn't going to make him.

But something pissed him off tonight, big time. He had been up and down so much it was hard to distinguish the times he was hot from the times he was cold.

I stared at the floor and shook my head. I wasn't about to understand this any time soon.

An odd noise shook me out of my trance and I looked up to see Sirius watching me with a half-grin. He was chuckling.

"Wha'?" I asked blearily.

His grin spread slightly. He looked down at his shoes. "I kind of like the way I can act as gloomy and melancholy and pensive as I want with you… and you'll never make me give you a reason." I stared at him and he looked up to meet my eyes with a slight smile. "No matter how curious you might be you'd never ask me to open up any more than I want to. Like you wait for _me_ to be ready to talk to _you_."

"I kinda like the way you just presume that I'd give a shit about what's going on in your head," I replied.

He screwed up his eyes and laughed.

When he was ready I continued. "I just never know if you'd want to talk to me about it." His eyes left mine and he pressed his lips together slightly. I leaned my body forwards to see his face better. "Do you want to talk about it?"

After a moment he smiled and said, "No."

I nodded.

"It's ... a bit of a long story, to tell the truth," he said. "I don't really want to get into it right now."

Something was telling me it wasn't just the average random bout of teenage grumpiness, but an actual specific problem. "Well, that's OK. But if it's something serious I wouldn't like you to keep it bottled up, you know. But you don't have to tell me. James and the others could probably be of more help."

He nodded solemnly in agreement. A moment later he looked up and barked out a derisive laugh. "Well it's not like I could keep anything from James even if I wanted to! He needs to know why I've got a fucking mug on at a stupid party I didn't even want to go to!" He laughed harshly again. "Jesus fucking Christ …"

I coughed and laughed a little.

Sirius rubbed his top lip with the side of his hand. "No. No, everything's fine. It's nothing really. I'll probably tell you about it sometime, but just not yet."

"Are you _trying_ to make me even more curious about this on purpose?"

He grinned slyly at me. "I am, actually, but you're _really_ good at this."

I grinned and rolled my eyes.

"Thanks for not probing, Holly," he said quietly.

"That's all right, Sirius."

His lips twitched slightly, and then he stretched his arms over his head and yawned loudly. He pushed himself away from the wall and began walking down the corridor again.

I strolled beside him and he turned to me while shoving his hands into his pockets. "You've got to promise me now that I'll get a proper dance at the wedding."

I stopped. "Wedding?"

"Er, yeah? James and Lily's?"

"Oh, right," I said shakily.

"You lied to me, though. You said you couldn't dance."

I made a non-committal laughing-noise and started walking again. Sirius stopped at a portrait and gave a password, we both stepped through into a completely different part of the castle that I couldn't recognise at first. He headed up a flight of stairs to our right and I simply followed.

"So, you promise?"

"What?"

Sirius stopped and turned to me with a look of exasperation. "Can I have a dance at the wedding?"

"Why d'you wanna dance so much?" I cried.

"Because I like it and you don't and it's funny. Promise."

"Well, Sirius, you don't want to make arrangements like that about stuff way in the future. What if we get into a row and aren't even talking by then?"

"Then I will swallow my pride long enough to dance one song and then – _What_? Why would you even think that? Of course we'll be talking - I can't even imagine you getting in a row with anyone!"

"Yeah, well ... You might cling onto your friends for the rest of your life but I'm pretty bad at keeping in contact." Sirius actually looked over at me with sad eyes at this, so I babbled and continued, "OK, but … you know, you might be trying to pick up a girl at the wedding. You wouldn't wanna be seen dancing with me-"

"Oh, I get it. You mean _you _might be trying to pick someone up at the wedding-"

"Maybe we both will, I dunno what we'll be like then!"

Sirius folded his arms and raised his eyebrows.

I tapped my foot for a moment and then said quickly, "Sirius?"

"Mm hm?"

"If we're both single and have no-one to go to James and Lily's wedding with, d'you wanna do this again?"

He paused for a moment, then smirked. "It's a date."

I sighed in annoyance and relief and continued walking until I recognised the Clock Tower at the end of a long wide hallway. We went towards it, walked around the large gaping hole in the floor through which the pendulum of the clock swept back and forth, and only stopped when we got to the little iron railing that separated the floor from the glass face of the clock, the hands and cogs ticking around in a constant elaborate motion.

"When d'you think they'll get married?"

Sirius sniffed and followed the movement of the second hand in front of his face with his eyes before turning to look at me. "How should I know? You're the one who Saw them."

"Yeah but I can't tell. And you know James best. When would he want to get married?"

Sirius frowned and knit his brow in thought as he stared out of the glass into space. He had a certain way of answering questions, where he'd think about it for a long moment and then the answer would all come spilling out of his mouth in a long monotonous torrent. It was actually kind of fun to watch.

"Knowing James, he'll do it as soon as he can. But he'll do whatever she wants, in the end. Essentially it's her decision."

"He's so sure of himself," I said.

Sirius nodded solemnly. "So, early- to mid-twenties, I suppose."

"Jesus Christ!" I breathed.

"Well, that's the average age for marriage these days, right? Could be sooner, I guess, but I don't know Evans …"

"Yeah, no, it's just so young," I said, shuddering slightly. Sirius's eyes widened at me. "What? They've got their whole lives ahead of them, and there they are – married and with a kid. What's there to do next?"

"Nothing," agreed Sirius. "It's wasting their lives away."

I nodded and then shook my head. "Thank you."

"As for me, I think I'll just become a permanent bachelor," he said proudly, stretching.

"I'll be an old maid, but what the hey. Rather that than leave my kids to carry on."

"I'd laugh if you got pregnant before you're twenty-five."

I stopped and stared at him. "You must have _so_ much respect for me …"

Sirius laughed, and then we were both thoughtful for a bit. Eventually, he said, "You know what I find kind of interesting?"

"The fact that we both have the exact same mindset on this?"

He narrowed his eyes and grinned a little. "Well, that too. You Saw us two at the wedding, right?"

"I Saw us, yes. Er, I mean, I Saw you. And then I Saw me. We weren't, like-"

_What, Holly? We weren't ... together? There was no 'us'?_

I blinked a bit, and realised that he had not really implied that he meant 'us' or anything even near that, and in fact he hadn't even told me yet what he found interesting about this, and it probably wasn't anything about 'us' at all. There is no 'us'.

Stop.

"Well … right now we already know that we're going to be at James and Lily's wedding, you know? So … no matter what happens from now until then ... we're going to know that we'll survive it."

I thought about this for a while, and could feel him watching me intently. "You mean, if you ever get into a life-death experience between now and the wedding, you know you can get through it because you know you're going to make it to the wedding?"

He nodded, and grinned wryly.

"Well, it's great to know that the NEWTs aren't going to kill me," I said sarcastically, "but how many life-death experiences do you seriously think you're going to have before then?"

He stared at me. "What part of 'the Great War' don't you understand?"

I laughed a little sheepishly. "That'll only trouble you if you get messed up in it." He continued to stare. "Oh, I see how this helps you now." I mean, how could Sirius Black fail to get messed up in something like this?

He laughed drily. "You know what else is interesting?"

"That that idea would even find its way into your head?"

He wet his lips and gazed through the window. "What was the farthest away thing that you Saw?"

I scratched my head. "… Well, I Saw James and Lily with their little kid. Then there was something like their house but all wrecked and abandoned, but that could have been before the moved in and they did it up, I dunno … And then things started going backwards."

He was quiet for a while, and we both seemed to try reading each other's expressions, but I was just plain confused.

"It's kind of interesting," he started slowly, "that you never saw anything after that at all. Lots of stuff up until their mid-twenties, right, and then nothing at all after that." He stopped and averted his eyes. "Nothing at all."

I blinked and opened my mouth to speak but felt my throat kind of dry and my pulse quickening. "What - what are you saying? I – I'm sure that stuff was just unimportant, you know. Like the question was just what happened with him and Lily, and the answer was they got married and had a kid and wasted the rest of their lives away. That's all we needed to see – what James wanted to see. I'm sure there's more … We just …" I couldn't go on.

Sirius looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "It's just kind of interesting."

Looking him in the eyes, I could tell that what he was suggesting was the same as what I was thinking. I took a deep breath and looked away. "Don't think too much about the future, it'll drive you crazy."

Sirius made a face. "Speak for yourself. I was only making an observation."

I chuckled a little and decided to let it go.

Outside, it was dark. I kept forgetting how late in the year it was. Christmas was coming up fast. Tomorrow morning, even, most of the school would be going home for the holidays, seeing their families, going shopping for presents …

"Are you staying here for the hols?" asked Sirius.

OK, that's not even funny.

"Yeah," I said. "You?"

"Yep, me and James."

"I'll see you around, then." Sirius looked at me sideways and laughed. I smiled. I felt like this might be a good time for us to depart and head back to our respective Common Rooms. But neither of us moved from our positions leaning forwards against the railing.

There was a moment of silence, and then Sirius said coolly, "How do you feel about detention?"

I wrinkled my brow and looked up at the clock. "It's not late yet, we should be OK."

He turned to the side to face me. "Yeah … but I feel like going for a walk. And you're welcome to come along – if you'd be willing to take the risk."

I thought for a moment. "Sure, why not?"

We headed down the stairs and Sirius walked backwards with a smile and said, "I'm sorry I've being a bit strung tonight."

"Don't worry about it," I said.

"And thanks again for not trying to make me sort it out and stuff."

"You see, you keep bringing it up again and making me feel like you _want _me to ask you about it!"

"I know. I'm testing you."

I rolled my eyes.

Sirius laughed. "Don't worry, you're doing well. I cannot believe I used to think you were a busy-body."

I coughed and burst into awkward laughter. "You did? When was this?"

"Always, before this year," he said, with the sort of grin that was trying very hard to control itself.

I ran a hand through my hair and shrugged. "Well, er … thank you. I do try."

He snorted.

"But you must have thought it a bit this year, when I kept getting involved in all of your business and stuff," I said lightly.

"What, you think that bothered me?"

I paused and thought about the way Sirius used to act all sullen and annoyed when I was around. "Eh, yes."

He made a face and bowed his head a little sheepishly. "Nah, that was … that wasn't it."

He looked like he was about to say something more but then thought twice about it. "So _something _bothered you, eh? Is this something you don't wanna talk about?"

"Not at all," he said, grinning. "But do _you_ seriously want to know this?"

I shrugged. "What, so you didn't like me 'cause I'm a girl?"

He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows. "Well …" he started, and then stopped. He scratched his head and met my eyes. "OK, maybe that was part of it. But no, I'm not _that_ prejudiced! And it's not that I didn't like you! Not in the least! But I'll admit I was a bit ... wary."

I raised my eyebrows and smiled. I didn't say anything out of curiosity, and slightly for fear of scaring off this new side of Sirius that was finally opening up to me.

He ran a hand through his hair. "I mean, it wasn't so much that you're a _girl_ … but the, er, implications, you know, of having a girl around …"

I looked at him and he looked back. I blinked.

He put his face into his hands and laughed. "I just mean that with a girl around … It's more the way James acts, all right?"

I blinked again, and made a "Whaaaa'?" kind of noise.

"Well, _yeah. _James acts different with girls around."

"No," I said, refusing to believe it.

"Well, obviously _you_ wouldn't see it, but ... It's not that bad, really, he just shows off more. And I can't stand his bloody _flirting_-"

I had a sudden spasm of mingled shock and laughter. _"Flirting?_ You think James _flirts_?"

Sirius's jaw dropped and he had the sort of same spastic laughter that I had just had. "Are you _joking_?"

"Well I'm perfectly serious, Sirius!"

"You've got to be – of course he flirts, that what James does! Do NOT tell me you don't see it!"

"I honestly don't!"

"Come _on, _the nudging, the winking, all the stupid little bantering and stuff?"

I shook my head indignantly. "But – sure that's just James! That's the way he is!"

Sirius snorted derisively. "Have you ever seen him shoot _me_ a cheeky little wink like that?"

I blinked an open and closed my mouth stupidly. "Well – Do you _want_ him to flirt with you, eh?"

"Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed. "But do you admit that he flirts with you?"

I said nothing but pulled a face.

He rubbed his eyes wearily. "Yeah, well it's just kind of hard to take him seriously with Lily when he was there flirting his pants off with you around."

I was trying to take in this information but it just wouldn't diffuse into my brain. I looked up to see Sirius grinning at me. "I'm sorry, I'm still in shock."

Sirius smacked himself in the face and laughed. "You cannot tell me you didn't know that."

"What? I didn't!"

"But he's so blatant about it – I had no idea you were so clueless-"

"Oi!"

"Oi, yourself! How did you even manage to get with Diggory when you can't pick up a bit of flirting a mile off!"

"Well – just shut up, Sirius!" I snapped. "Since when are you the expert on this, anyway, Mr No-Experience-Whatsoever-"

Sirius stopped dead as if he had just walked into a brick wall. Very slowly, his head turned to glare at me with his mouth hanging open, his eyes wide, and one eyebrow raised in a furious threat.

I froze and snapped my mouth shut. I had just crossed a line, and had the horrible gut-wrenching feeling that I couldn't go back now.

The moment seemed to last an hour, where Sirius just glared at me, and his cold grey eyes suddenly blazed with hatred. The muscle in his jaw was going again, and his mouth twitched angrily from how hard he was clenching his teeth. I seemed to shrink a little underneath his presence. For a minute, I thought he was about to say something. But instead he just made an impatient, angry noise and took a sharp intake of breath, shut his mouth with a grimace, and before I knew what was happening his hand had flown to my jaw to firmly lift up my chin, as he swiftly dipped his head and caught my lips unceremoniously in a firm, brusque kiss.

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><p>OH WHAT A MOMENT FOR A CLIFFHANGER!<p>

Hi, everyone :) Sorry about the delay this time, but I started back in uni last week and, well, this year is pretty important for me so I _really_ have to concentrate on my studies atm.

Still, I want to say a million thanks to everyone who ever commented on this story! And to those who alert or favourite, thank you and I'd love to hear feedback from you! Seriously, the more comments I get right now, the quicker I'll want to try and update, so don't be shy and just tell me what you think! Please. (… Please.)

Right then, hope you enjoyed this chapter! :D Ooooh the excitement!


	14. The Noble and Most Ancient History Of

MY GOD. I just re-read all the comments for Chapter 13, and OH MY GOD I am so sorry I left that cliffhanger going for... far, far too long. So sorry. I am so sorry.

I do love every obsessive fan of this story. You are all hilarious and amazing :D Thank you for being patient with me. If you're still there, that is ... I'm hoping you are!

Hope there's no wrong ideas about this kiss, because there might be disappointment in store :P … But, I'll keep saying, it's only halfway through the story, really. So don't worry! There's a hell of a lot of talking in this chapter! Now that I think about it, there's a hell of a lot of talking in the story as a whole. Not much of an actual plot. Just depicting the exact building blocks of this relationship, because that's all that's really happening. Don't know if that's good or bad, but ah well! But maybe some people still like learning things about Sirius and Holly, and why they are the way they are. _I think we get a bit of that in this chapter ;)_

Oh Lord, stop me, now I'm just keeping you from reading the bloody chapter! So without further ado,

Here ya go! Hope you enjoy :D

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Fourteen -<strong>

**The Noble and Most Ancient History of Sirius Black**

HOLY SHIT WHAT THE-

Wow, that's pretty soft … and my eyes are closing and it's kind of-

No no no, what's happening – what the hell is going on – this is Sirius, Sirius!

NO. But it can't be!

… _I must be dreaming!_

Yeah, dreaming.

Oh holy crap I'm not dreaming, am I.

Then you have GOT to be joking. Worst nightmare! OH MY GOD what the hell does he think he's doing, he can't do this – he can't do this to _me_ – _I_ can't do this, what are we doing? Oh my God!_ No, this just can't be happening._

We're supposed to be friends! Friends! That's all that Sirius and I are capable of! I'm pretty sure that that's all that Sirius is capable of, period! And yet here he is. Friends don't go smacking each other's lips with their own. I'm fairly sure they don't. Definitely not. Right? What the fuck.

_This doesn't even make sense._

Maybe it would be all right, if it made sense.

_BUT IT DOESN'T._

I thought we had a mutual, unspoken agreement that this sort of carry-on just wasn't going to happen. EVER. We're friends, that's it. End of story. So where did I go wrong? How did I _not _see this coming?

_Sirius doesn't fancy me. Sirius doesn't fancy anyone. Therefore this can't be happening._

But it is happening. It's _very _happening.

…

Well … He says I can't recognise flirting a mile off. But Sirius never … flirted with me, did he? _Oh, don't be an idiot, Sirius doesn't flirt. He's too_ … But could he have been flirting and I didn't realise? _No way … _But, flirting doesn't have to be the banter and the winking and the elbows and stuff like the way James (apparently) does it, it can just be …

_Nah_, I've got nothing.

Is this my fault? Did I give the wrong impression? This is not what I was looking for with Sirius. This isn't fair. This isn't right.

Does _he_ think it's right?

He can't.

I don't think he even fancies me.

Were there any signs I missed somewhere, somehow? Or maybe … maybe he just doesn't know how to express himself in that way. Express his interest. Express … anything …

Hang on, does Sirius _fancy_ me?

He did ask me to Slughorn's party after all. He did dance with me. He did say, once, that he usually hates girls. Usually. But he doesn't hate me. He doesn't seem to. I believe his exact words were, that I'm 'the only girl in the school that he finds remotely interesting.' Maybe that was a hint that I didn't pick up on. Maybe … because _he fancies me._

Hm. Why is that so hard to accept?

_Because it's not real._

That's it. It's not. I'm sorry. It's not real. And the reason I'm so certain is really, very simple.

If Sirius fancied anyone, James would be the first to know about it. Hell, James would probably know it before Sirius did. And if I know James (and in this circumstance, I think that I do), he would absolutely rip the piss out of Sirius for fancying anyone. Tonight, he had the perfect opportunity for piss ripping – and we got nothing out the ordinary, really. I've had the piss ripped out of me worse than that about a boy in the past. It wasn't a 'I'm slagging yous because _he likes you_ tee hee hee' sort of thing, it was more 'I'm slagging yous because you're my mates'.

Just think for a moment, if you can, about a world where Sirius fancies you. Where Sirius likes you, _loves _you, kisses you and takes you out and holds your hand …

It's almost funny. I drool over the way he looks in a suit, I constantly think about his appearance, I love his darkness, adore his personality and the way he makes no sense to me at all, and we get on great, yet … the idea of him as a boyfriend … it just doesn't work! Ugh, I'm mentally shuddering.

I don't think I've ever really been able too think of him like that. Ever since, I don't know, third year, when the hormones started going haywire and pretty much all the girls in the year had their eye on that one, dark-haired boy; aloof and dangerous and exciting. But I've seen so many girls break down, wondering why they weren't good enough for His Majesty, and it's just not worth it, is it? I didn't need some random guy making me doubt myself.

The thing is, he's not some random guy anymore.

Also, I forgot for a moment, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY STILL KISSING ME.

_Why the hell is he kissing me?_

No need to worry, it takes an awful long time to explain all of this but really it only took a moment for reality to sink in. It had been about three seconds, I'd say. Three seconds, but I've come to three conclusions.

Sirius doesn't like me. I'm convinced he doesn't.

And I don't like him.

And we should really stop with the kissing now because it's freaking me out a bit.

It's actually a miracle that I wasn't kissing him back yet. (It's an instinct, all right?) I could enjoy a bit of kissing, it had been a while, but I knew it's rather difficult to explain to someone after kissing them that you don't have feelings for them. They say 'But you kissed me back!' But it's instinct, darling, it's a natural reaction. But, hang on a second, Sirius doesn't have feelings for me either.

So then why was he kissing me?

I could have stopped him – pushed him away or something – but as it turned out, I didn't need to. For whatever was going on _his _head, it only took those three seconds for something to click. I felt it as his lips breaking the contact with mine, although for a moment we both stayed still.

That was a little weird. I could still feel his face close to mine, his nose and lips and skin, and his hand was against my neck – I had forgotten that. I began to feel very aware that he was alive inside of that body, his brain functioning in a miracle of electricity and synapses and ... and everything that went on inside of that mind was completely out of my grasp, and out of my control. And no matter how close I felt to him, I would never fully understand the things he thought. He wasn't just some sort of prop in the theatrical rendition of my life. He had a full awareness just like I had, he was fully alive just like I was.

That said, neither of us seemed to be breathing.

My eyelids were screwed shut. I shut them tighter, bracing myself, then cautiously opened one in a half-squint. And almost instantly, whatever madness was holding us in place was broken.

Sirius took a measured step back from me, his eyes very wide and his brow contracted in some emotion that was just out of my grasp. I shied away too, and took a rather ragged breath. And I stared. I couldn't help myself. Can you really blame me? My mind was racing. I didn't even try to hide what I was thinking.

_What the hell was that for?_

He had his teeth showing. Bared. I suddenly remembered how angry he had looked just before the kissing thing happened. That made me a little nervous. And then presently, he blinked and his expression changed; he lowered his brow and pushed his lips together, averting his eyes from my face. He looked thoughtful for a moment, as if he was _tasting _what he had just done. He swallowed, met my eyes again, but didn't look like he was about to say anything. Like he didn't need to.

But I needed him to. He owed me a bloody explanation, because my mind was going insane. And so, I cocked one eyebrow.

And for some reason, that made him snap.

"Mr No Experience?" he shot at me.

I gave the tiniest of nervous laughs, but Sirius clenched his teeth and fists and I was instantly silenced, my breath coming a little too fast now.

He glared at me, and then suddenly turned his cheek. "Just piss off , Holly," he grumbled, shooting me a reproachful glance as he finished.

My arms raised in confusion, and I struggled to find any words that were willing to leave my mouth. I eventually got out a simple "… _What?"_

'Please tell me _what_ you're actually talking about,' was what I was _trying_ to say.

He rolled his eyes and said in a callous tone, "No, don't worry about it. I just thought you weren't thick enough to try and embarrass me like that. But all right." He shook where he stood, and grimaced like he couldn't find enough swears to voice his anger as he glowered at me, so instead he just scowled and shoved his fists into his pockets, turning away from me and striding to the edge of the covered bridge.

I didn't even realise we were at the covered bridge until then, but we were about halfway across it. I looked around dazedly. I was so confused. What had we been talking about before this that had made me forget about my surroundings, and that had turned Sirius into this fiery figure of repressed anger? I had called him Mr No Experience Whatsoever. But I had only been teasing him. "Hang on … _What_?" I tried again. I took a tense step forward.

He was turned away from me, looking out from one of the arched gaps in the wooden side of the bridge. The light nearest to us was flickering on and off, and the moonlight cast odd shadows all around. I could see the side of Sirius's face – pale and ghostly – staring at the moon. He gripped the ledge with both hands.

He exhaled loudly and lowered his eyes to some point in the sky. "I am so sick of everyone here who can't get their heads around the simple fact that _I just don't care!_ Why can't anyone understand that? I don't care if I've never had a girlfriend, I don't care if I have little or no experience, I don't care about any of it! Because it doesn't matter – it's just this stupid, teenage bullshit that seems important now but really means nothing! And you-" he turned to me, pushing himself away from the bridge and raising his voice, "I thought that _you_ understood. But I was wrong – clearly I was wrong, because there you go saying things like that, like it's supposed to _hurt_ me! But you can't hurt me. I'm not the one who gets hurt with us two … You don't try to make me look like a fool because it won't work, and you'll look like the fool in the end! You see? Look at yourself, you're all flustered and awkward because of a stupid _kiss_," he shook his head, "and look at _me,_ Holly … Does it look like it bothers me?"

He was practically shouting now, and his lecture ended a little abruptly. I looked at him, as he glared at me, his finger pointing to his chest which was rising and falling heavily with emotion. But it was pretty clear that it wasn't the kiss that had bothered him.

I thought for a minute while trying to give him a chance to cool off, even just a little bit. Then I swallowed and said rather blankly, "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" he shot back, a little too quickly. He cleared his throat and lowered his eyes, but didn't say anything else.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I said it," I said, with the slightest of timid shrugs. "I shouldn't have."

"You're …" he started slowly, and then suddenly gave a sort of strangled laugh and slapped his hand to his forehead. He tangled his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "How are you just _sorry_?" he demanded, dropping his hands abruptly. "If you're sorry then why did you say it in the first place?"

"Well – I …" I stammered, and when he raised an eyebrow I gave a short laugh again and blurted out, "I wasn't trying to hurt you, Sirius! I had no idea it would wind you up so much, if I knew that then I wouldn't have said it! I mean, I was trying to wind you up a little bit, but I was only slagging you! Honestly."

"Slagging me?" he repeated questioningly, still sounding rather hostile. "Then it was meant to be hurtful, Holly!"

"No?"

We stared at each other for a moment. He had stopped looking quite so angry for a moment, just slightly confused, and he scanned me as if wondering whether I was quite right in the head.

I shook my head. "Why would I slag you over something that I thought really really bothers you?"

He just had that look on, and it wasn't going away. "Because that's the whole _point_ of slagging."

I tried looking at him in the same way. "_No_ … It's meant to be be irritating but not actually hurtful. Right? …" Now I was getting confused.

He shut his eyes and rubbed his forehead for a moment before looking at me again. "I don't know … Why are we talking about this?"

It took me a moment to try and figure out what I was actually trying to say to him. Why was he mad at me again?

Oh, right.

I took a step towards him and looked up at his face. His eyes flicked from my eyes and downwards to the ground.

"I know you don't care about that shit," I said as clearly as I could.

He looked like he was chewing his tongue, and his eyes searched over my face again as if looking for some sign of dishonesty.

"You do?" he asked, and scratched his forehead.

"Yeah," I said breathily.

"You weren't …" his eyes left my face, "trying to make me look like a fool?"

I almost smiled at the way he phrased it. I just shook my head, looking down.

He blinked a couple of times, not looking at me. He opened his mouth, and looked down again. "I … I feel a little foolish now," he said with a small laugh, glancing back at me a little sheepishly.

I laughed, and dropped my head into my hands. "It's … misunderstanding …" I got out.

Sirius took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, running his hands through his hair. Then he slapped himself in the face. "Oh Merlin – Then I'm terribly sorry about that … you know."

"About kissing me?"

"Well, yeah."

I swallowed. "Let me get this straight – You thought I was trying to humiliate you, therefore you kiss me to put me in my place. Is that right?"

He looked at me, a nervous grin slipping across his face. "That's the general idea, I think." He laughed. "It did make more sense at the time … In my head." He frowned slightly.

I sighed and laughed too. For a moment we looked at each other with pained expressions, half sharing the hilarity of what had happened and half feeling like total fools, really. We looked away eventually, and stood side by side by the side of the bridge.

The moon was almost full, and the valley below was flooded with its light.

"Merlin's Beard, do I always sound like such a pompous prat?"

"You really want me to answer that?" I teased.

He grinned and shook his head. I looked back at the moon.

"Are you mad at me?" came his voice, low and serious now.

I looked sideways at him, met his eyes, and shook my head.

He leaned forwards against the ledge with his elbows, and reached out to put his hand on the thin wooden column that separated us. "You probably should be." I shrugged, and smiled at him. I was feeling oddly calm. "Are you ever mad at anyone, ever?"

I shrugged again, and he shook his head in exasperation.

"Apparently my master plan didn't work as well as I though it would," he said with a sigh. "You don't seem embarrassed at all that I just kissed you-" I averted my eyes, feeling my face getting hot. "Aha, there it is!" he said, and I could hear the grin in his voice.

"Shut up," I moaned, hiding my now grinning face in my hands.

And then I felt his hands grappling with my wrists, removing my hands from my face so that I had to look into his, which was bearing a broad smile, eyes all twinkling.

"I'm sorry! I know it's nothing – teenage bullshit and that – but I still find it embarrassing!" I screeched.

"WHY IS IT EMBARRASSING?" he yelled into my face, as I managed to wrestle my arms free from his grasp, both of us stumbling backwards from each other and laughing hysterically.

"You know why! You did it because it was embarrassing!" I said, panting.

He pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"Don't know if I can look at you the same, is all," I said, copying his pout. And I was _half_-joking.

"Look at me the same? Look at me – For Merlin's sake, Holly, I'm just me! There's nothing left to see!" He pounded himself on the chest for emphasis.

"I know that," I said quickly.

"Let me put it this way for you," he continued. "Before I kissed you, I didn't have any special feelings for you – no offence intended or anything – and you didn't have feelings for me, right?"

"See, that's interesting! How are you so sure that I don't have feelings for you?"

Sirius stopped and grinned at me. He shook his head. "Because you don't."

"I know I don't," I said. "But how do _you_ know?"

He scrutinised my face carefully. "For one thing, you wouldn't be saying this now if you did." When I kept his stare, he continued in a strained sort of way, "Look, I wouldn't have kissed you if I thought you liked me, that would just be cruel!"

I nodded, and smiled slightly.

"You don't like me," he said, though he sounded slightly uncertain now. I averted my eyes and couldn't stop a grin spreading across my face. He huffed in annoyance when he realised that I had just been teasing him. "I know you don't like me in the same way that you know I don't like you."

I raised my eyebrows sceptically. That was hardly the same situation at all. I knew Sirius didn't like me because he doesn't see the point in fancying _anyone._

"To be honest, it's a little weird that I don't like you. We're friends, so I clearly _like _you. And you, er, are a fairly attractive guy, like. So why don't I fancy you?"

He raised his eyes to the heavens. "That's not weird at all, Holly."

"Yeah, it is!" I insisted.

"Well, I don't know then! Because I'm … emotionally unavailable?" I laughed and he shook his head at me. "Don't you think a girl and a boy can be just friends?"

"No," I answered immediately. Then I thought about it, and repeated, "No. But you do, I take it?"

"Yes, absolutely!" he replied. "So what do you call this then?" He motioned back and forth between us with his hand.

I shrugged and made a face. "An exception?"

We looked at each other for a moment. "I suppose it just depends on what matters more to a person," he said in a know-it-all manner, "friendship, or whatever comes out of these short teenage romances."

"I suppose I don't know a lot about either of those things, so I can't really say anything," I responded, frowning.

He straightened himself a little and leaned on his side to face me more fully. "I like to think I know a bit about friendship," he said, his eyes searching mine. "So I'm right."

I scoffed a little, but decided not to disagree with him. We exchanged a grin.

For another while we stood together on the bridge looking out into the valley, and I suddenly realised it was December and I had only a dress and cardi on. Sirius forced me to take his jacket.

He's the rudest gentleman I've ever heard of, I swear.

After a while he elbowed me, and said, "Well there's your experience for you …"

I glanced at him and smirked. "Hate to break it to you, but _that_ was hardly what you'd call experience."

Suddenly he grabbed my arm and pulled me closer towards him, so that our faces were an inch apart. "Do you really want to play this game?" he murmured, a teasing smile on his lips.

I shut my eyes. "No. Sorry," I choked.

He let me go, laughing. I staggered sideways and had to take a moment to catch my breath.

"When you say 'no experience'," I started cautiously.

He rolled his eyes and grinned. "OK, so I guess you could say that that was _technically my_ 'first kiss'." He made quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

If I could whistle, I would have done so at that moment. I just blew the air out of my mouth instead.

"And you're sure you didn't do that just because you wanted to get it over with, and stop people bugging you about it?" I ventured, rather boldly in my own opinion.

Sirius looked at me for a moment, then said, "I didn't actually think of that."

"So, it was just to prove that you could get whatever experience you like, when you like it, but you just choose not to, eh?"

He paused, and I got the vague impression that he hadn't heard me. Then he blinked, and said dramatically, "You can NEVER tell James about this. Or any of my friends, actually. But especially James."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "I didn't think you kept things from your mates."

He opened his mouth for a moment then closed it again with a sneer. "Tell anyone else you like though. They'd never believe it."

"I know they wouldn't. And why would I want to tell anyone anyway?"

He shrugged lazily, and then suddenly went still, his attention caught by something behind me. It took a moment for the footsteps across the courtyard to reach my ears, followed by voices.

I turned to my right to glance at the couple just as they stepped onto the far end of the bridge. It was the pair I noticed earlier at the party, a dark-haired boy and fair girl, both with handsome, striking features. I looked away quickly, minding my own business, but for some reason Sirius continued to stare at them as they made their way across the bridge. The boy was speaking in a hushed tone, and the girl was giggling at every word he said.

They passed by where we were standing, and a moment later Sirius spun around and called out hotly, "Oi! You want to say that to my face?"

Oh Jesus, what now?

I was in shock, and I just blinked stupidly at Sirius while he glared furiously at the other boy. What the hell was going on now? How did he even have any anger left in him after venting it all on me just now? Why couldn't he just leave it, understand that whatever it was didn't matter? I didn't know whatever had been said, and I didn't really care either. Why should I care? I didn't even know these people, not as far as I knew anyway.

I looked around Sirius to see the girl twisted around, looking about as surprised as I felt for just a moment, before her expression turned to scorn. The boy had stopped walking, and turned around slowly.

I looked at him, his long dark hair and pale skin, his striking features and slight build. And he suddenly seemed very familiar.

"All right," he said, with what _appeared_ to be a rather decent smile, and the same sort of posh Estuary English accent that I recognised only too well. "I was just saying that it must really give hope to a lot of people, to see that even a Mudblood and a Blood traitor can find-"

Sirius's wand was in his hand before I had even recognised the insult. "Don't you talk about my friend like that," he said, his voice deadly.

The boy gave an arrogant half-grin, and eyed Sirius up. "And what are you going to do about it?" he asked softly, taking out his own wand with a slight flourish.

"It's fine, Sirius, I don't care," I said quickly, hoping to stop him before doing something ridiculous.

"You should listen to your girlfriend," the boy interjected, with a certain smirk of disdain that made me hesitate a little.

I looked at Sirius, my eyebrows raised.

"_I_ care," retorted Sirius, glancing warningly at me. "And no, it's not fine for this stuck-up prick to talk to you like that." He turned back to the boy. "Clearly, respect wasn't a thing mummy and daddy thought to teach ickle baby Regulus."

I had to stop myself from crying out. _Reg!_

_"Why, you know Sirius, when you came in just now I was _sure_ you were Reg- ... You do look so much alike!"_

Regulus! OH! That was what Slughorn had been talking about at the party! But, then who was -?

"Oh, you would know, Sirius. Wouldn't you?" the boy sneered.

"Oh, I like to think I know a fair bit," Sirius replied cheerfully. He indicated to the girl on his brother's arm. "You do realise that that's our second cousin, I suppose?"

I had to stop my hand from jumping to my mouth.

The girl didn't seem to get it. She just continued staring at Sirius like a piece of filth, her eyes glancing to her date at his last words.

"_Our_?" repeated the boy, looking bemused. "We haven't shared anything since we were kids, Sirius, and now I am _thrilled_ to say that we no longer even share cousins."

"Blasting my name off the family tree hardly changes my blood, Reg. Oh, and well done. You _expertly_ evaded the fact that I was mocking your incest there."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand-"

"Oh, no, I understand it," laughed Sirius. "If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family, right?"

"-Not with the company _you've_ been keeping these days," continued Regulus loudly.

"Oh, noticed, have you?" Sirius replied with a grin.

Seemingly a complete random, Regulus opened his mouth curiously and came out with, "Is that a full moon I see?"

"Nope," growled Sirius immediately.

"Oh, yes, my mistake. Funny, that," replied Regulus with a grin. "… you didn't even need to look."

I blinked, completely at a loss, and felt a little bit of relief when the girl Regulus was with pulled a puzzled sort of face. I was about to smile at her when I remembered that she probably thought of me as a piece of filth.

"So it's a good thing you needn't worry yourself about the company I'm keeping these days, eh Reg?" said Sirius in a flat voice. "It doesn't reflect badly on you anymore."

Regulus raised his eyebrows mockingly. "Merlin, Sirius, you act like it was so _chivalrous_ of you. That _I_ needn't worry anymore, all thanks to _you._ You'd swear you left home completely of your own accord."

Sirius shot Regulus a contemptuous sideways look. "How on Earth was it possibly _not _of my own accord?" he asked imperiously.

Regulus laughed, and then raised his hand to his mouth in mock-surprise. "What, you mean you really don't know?" There was something seriously evil about the way he smiled then, and it made me sick to my stomach.

Sirius's grip had tightened menacingly around his wand. "What are you even talking about?" he said loudly, his voice impatient.

Regulus raised his chin, surveying his brother with a certain superiority that I had seen Sirius himself use many times before, but never in such a malicious assertion. And he smirked. "Mother and Father were so tired of all your nonsense," he said in an offhand manner, holding his arm out to examine his fingernails. "They were this close to simply throwing you out altogether. But that wouldn't do, of course. So, they decided they'd just have to drive you out instead. And it did take you _such_ a surprisingly long time." He finally lost interest in his hand and returned his attention to Sirius's face with a triumphant glint in his eye. "And all this time, you thought it was your own clever plan? How … cute."

Their harsh laughter rang out everywhere and hurt my ears, and I didn't dare look at Sirius, because all I knew was that he hadn't yet made a comment and I couldn't bear to see how this claim had hit him.

Regulus seemed too notice too, as he stopped laughing and taunted, "What, no cutting remark? No witty response, eh Sirius?" He grinned. "I fear you're losing your edge. And without that, what exactly _do_ you have left?"

Sirius's breath was coming fast and sharp now, but he didn't say a word or make a move.

Regulus was positively gleeful. "I can't deny we're better off now, though. I'm still their perfect son – and now, their _only_ son. The way it was always supposed to be." He held out his arm for his date, who hooked her own through it as they both sneered at us. "Like you had never been born. Come on," he said to the girl, "Let's leave the _handsome couple_ alone."

They had disappeared off the bridge and onto the shadowed grounds before Sirius managed to find his voice. "I'd rather be dead than back there! You inbred – bastard – SON OF A-!" He gesticulated furiously and punched the air before turning around with a shout of anger and kicking the wall. Fuming, he leant out over the ledge of the bridge, breathing hard, gripping the wall until his knuckles were white.

I swallowed. The laughter of the two Slytherins could still be heard echoing through the night air.

I may have just learned a hell of a lot about Sirius Black.

I just stood there. I didn't know what to say. Did he want me to say anything? Because I was fairly tempted to walk away and we could both pretend that I had never witnessed that …

I didn't want to say the wrong thing, so I didn't say anything at all.

After … I don't know how long, Sirius gave a hard sigh and bowed his head, running his hands through his hair and down his neck, laughing a little as he lifted his head again. "Well, now you've met by little brother," he said. "Charming lad, isn't he?"

I made a sort of agreeable noise, and gave a small laugh too.

I was feeling like I was going to get sick. I couldn't even imagine what Sirius must have felt like.

And I hated myself for being so self-centred, but one of the main things that was at the forefront of my mind was this perverse feeling of pretence. I was kidding myself, thinking Sirius and I were best friends or something. I'd just had all these fanciful thoughts – how 'close' we must be since we just kissed and it meant absolutely nothing, jokingly thinking that we had just had our first fight (even if not much fighting really happened). But that seemed so stupid now. When I thought about it, I knew absolutely nothing about Sirius's background, or his family, even where he lived. We had never really talked about our pasts.

I didn't even know he had a _brother._

And here I was thinking about myself when Sirius was probably feeling things that I couldn't even imagine right now. I'm a really bad friend, right? I just couldn't believe how manipulating his brother had been. It was like he knew exactly how to rip Sirius apart, and he had no problem whatsoever in doing just that. It was so sick.

I sighed and turned to look at Sirius, who had been watching my face. He swallowed and looked away, out at the night sky, and closed his eyes.

"The summer before last, I ran away from home."

I watched him. He blinked and looked down.

"My parents," he said cautiously. "They're sort of ... pureblood Nazis."

He glanced at me to check my reaction.

"… Oh," I said plainly. I mentally kicked myself. Hopefully he could see from my face that I wasn't making any judgements.

"The whole lot of them have been in Slytherin as far as the time-line goes back," he went on quickly, in a tone that suggested that that explained everything. "They say we're descended from Salazar Slytherin himself, but I dunno if they just made it up to give the family even more recognition. I wouldn't put it past them. They're very into their status and everything." He sort of laughed as he spoke, as if reminiscing on the odd sort of memories you have from your childhood, so long ago that you start to think you might have just made them up. "_The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black_. It sounds so ridiculous now. But the life of wealth and superiority suited my parents down to the ground. And they were exceptionally good at living it. And Regulus …" He frowned and shook his head. "The idiot. He never questioned it. I could never understand why he didn't question it. Eventually, I realised that it just suited him not to. He never thought for himself, just believed whatever was put in front of him. Idiot."

He ran his hands over the carved wood of the ledge, some of his dark hair falling into his face.

"I can just remember sitting under the school Sorting Hat," he said, a soft smile sheepishly creeping its way across his face, "and suddenly thinking, 'What if – Just _what if _I wasn't put in Slytherin?' And it was disturbing, and exalting, and invigorating – and completely insane, of course. That was probably my first taste of rebellion." I found myself grinning like an idiot, and he returned it when he looked at me. After a moment it faltered a little. "Though … sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason the hat put me in Gryffindor in the first place."

"Are you joking?" I laughed. The look he gave me then clearly showed that he wasn't, and that he didn't find it very amusing either. "… The fact that you had a rebellious streak at all might be your first clue. Sirius, you're ... like, the _definition_ of a Gryffindor."

"You really think so?" he asked, looking genuinely surprised and uncertain.

"Of course!" I said with a dismissive roll of my eyes. "You're daring, fairly reckless – brave, some call it, but I just call it a hazard – and a bit of an arrogant toerag which is apparently a must with you Gryffindors, and-" Sirius started to laugh and I felt that I didn't need to continue. "I think everyone must doubt that they were put in the right house, at some point."

"Mm … OH!" he exclaimed suddenly. "You were a hatstall! Of course _you'd _have doubts about the Sorting Hat!"

I froze and stared at him in disbelief.

This made him grin even wider as he teased me relentlessly. "I suppose it couldn't decide between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, eh?"

"How – How can you remember – I wasn't a bloody hatstall!" I got out.

"Ah, but you were, love. It took at _least_ six minutes for the hat to decide on you – I didn't think it was possible for the mind of a Hufflepuff to be _that_ hard to figure out, but-"

"It was _four_ minutes," I corrected breathlessly, "and it ruled out Ravenclaw pretty quickly, actually!"

It was all flooding back to me. _Not a bad mind, no, but hardly motivated for academic prestige … _Ravenclaw was almost immediately a no, and I can actually see that myself now. I wouldn't be able to stand being identified as one of the 'intelligent' ones. Ooh, don't they think they're so smart. The hat even thought that I had more potential for being a Slytherin – and, I suppose, I feel a little antisocial sometimes – but then it realised that I'm too much of a softie for that. As for Gryffindor, maybe I could be brave and bold and chivalrous if I had the chance, but I've never really had the chance, so maybe that speaks for itself. The real reason that the hat took so long was because my mind was absolutely racing as I sat on that little stool. It could hardly get a word in edgeways. I mean, I was only eleven years old. I didn't even know I had a personality at that age! So naturally, I was questioning every little comment that the hat made about me. I had read about the different houses already – and I really had no idea where I could possibly fit in at that school. Brains or brawn - good or evil? And by the time the hat had whittled the list of four down to just one, I had to think, this was going to define me for _the __rest of my life!_ And I suppose I'm generally hardworking, but I'm also extremely lazy and usually just do well by chance! And I was a bit quiet when I was younger – I didn't know if I was the friendly, jolly Hufflepuff type at all! And just? True? What did those even mean?

But there the Sorting Hat was, putting me in that house by process of elimination.

There would have been an argument, if I was any good at arguing, but instead a more in-depth psychoanalysis of my mind followed, until the hat seemed to realise that it didn't need to prove anything to me and just yelled out the fated word.

Hufflepuff.

"I wasn't a hatstall," I repeated, glaring at Sirius and wondering how he had managed to turn the conversation around onto me. "How can you _possibly _even remember my Sorting?"

"Everyone remembers a hatstall," he said smarmily. "I mean, I had just gotten over the shock of being a _Gryffindor. _I'm sure half the Slytherin table were in disbelief as well. And you were in the Cs right? So there was a gap while I getting comfortable at the table, realising that I was absolutely _starving _as well, and then when I started paying attention to the ceremony again there was this girl up there talking her bloody time getting Sorted! Six minutes, I'm telling you."

I scowled at him and he simply grinned.

He looked away from me and his expression turned more serious. He lowered his eyebrows and opened his mouth to speak, but it was a few more minutes before he said anything. "There was … kind of another reason I remembered, too," he said mysteriously.

"What do you mean?" My voice sounded nervous, even to me. What reason could he possibly have for remembering my Sorting?

He looked away from me. "I kind of … recognised you."

"_What_?" I asked incredulously. "Recognised me how?"

He met my eyes, and mine searched his pale, handsome face meticulously. And then, he smiled. "You really don't remember, do you?"

"Remember what?" I demanded. "What are you talking about?"

"Well," he started. He continued to grin and looked away, sucking in his cheeks thoughtfully before launching into something that sounded like an old fairytale that he knew off by heart.

"I had just got my acceptance letter from Hogwarts, and the family headed out to Diagon Alley one day in the summer to pick up my school things …" He stopped for what seemed to be dramatic effect, but I was already hanging on his every word, desperately trying to think of where the story could lead to. He looked at me and eyed me up and down, still with that same smile. "I was just outside of Gringotts when I bumped into this little girl." His grin only broadened when he saw my eyes suddenly widen. He laughed and looked away again. "The little idiot managed to drop her purse. And just because my parents were practically sociopaths didn't mean I never learned any manners, so naturally I stopped to help her collect the coins she had dropped." He stopped again and a certain look came over his eyes, like a child having arrived at his favourite part in his favourite story. "And they were the _strangest_ looking coins … All small and odd shapes, and just … different. And then I looked at the girl, and she was wearing the _strangest_ clothes, too …" He shook his head, smiling at his memory as I stared at him, totally at a loss for words. He glanced at me and his voice became less dreamy and more insistent. "But I had grown up in a Muggle street. Not that I had any contact with the Muggle kids – I had been taught that they would burn my skin if I touched them with a ten foot stick – but I _had_ seen Muggle clothes before. But for some reason, this time was different.

"Because then I looked at her face." He held my gaze effortlessly, entrancing me. "Her bright, shining face. And I couldn't understand why she looked so excited. It was only Diagon Alley. I lived in London, I had been there hundreds of times. But I dunno. Her face just stuck in my head from that one fleeting moment. It was my first real look into the other side of the world. And it didn't seem so bad to me, no matter what my parents said."

He grinned at me. And I simply gaped back.

"Also, I wasn't about to forget a pretty face like that any time soon," he said with a mischievous wink.

I snorted. "Oh come _on. _You're not interested now, you hardly were when you were eleven."

He grinned in a sort of sneering way and looked back out at the sky.

My mind was going absolutely mental. How did he remember? … I didn't even remember! I thought I was _mad_ for even thinking anything of it at the time …

"I … I saw you in Flourish and Blotts as well."

"Yeah, and on the Platform," he finished. "So you _do_ remember!"

"Of course I remember!" I practically shouted. "You were _the _Magic Boy!" I had to press my hand over my mouth to try to control myself.

"Please don't tell me you actually called me that," he said, looking worried and sniggering slightly.

"Well – it doesn't even matter … Oh my God, Sirius, that was _you_! I felt like I _knew_ you!"

He looked kind of embarrassed, and didn't look at me when he said, "Honestly? … I felt like I knew you too."

I had to dramatise my breathing to stop myself from hyperventilating. I ran my hand through my hair. "I _completely _forgot that. But it was so important to me back then." I can't even begin to describe how much that encounter meant to me at the time. For Sirius, it had been his first look into the Muggle world. Of course he would remember something like that. For me, it was the same. Here was this boy who looked hardly older than me, dressed in robes and so very clearly _magic._

"I had totally forgotten until recently …" he said thoughtfully, rubbing his jaw.

"It's like, you know when you think you know someone, without having ever talked to them in your life?" I continued animatedly. "And then it only takes something simple, like when you learn their name, or when you see the way they act around other people … And suddenly you forget the kid you had made up inside your mind, because that kid wasn't even real. So pretty soon that little magic kid from Diagon Alley was completely gone, and you were just that Sirius Black kid from Gryffindor." I sighed loudly, astounded by that memory that had been totally lost for the last six years. "And you _never _even spoke to me!" I exclaimed, slapping his arm.

"Oi, you never spoke to me either!" he laughed. He hooked his arm around the wooden pole between our separate arches and furrowed his brow at me. "But, what you were saying there – that was the same with me. I completely forgot that that little girl was Holly Comstock – you were just Holly Comstock after that. Until … you stopped hanging around with all your Hufflepuff mates." I stopped and straightened up, watching him carefully as he spoke. "Then I didn't really know what you were like anymore. And all of a sudden, one random day, it just hit me again – the little girl with the odd coins and the weird clothes."

He smiled at me, and I laughed a little and looked down.

We were both quiet for a moment, and then Sirius gave a small laugh.

"What?" I asked him.

He looked embarrassed. "Nothing." He scratched the back of his neck, and turned his face away from me, still with that sheepish smile. That wasn't very Sirius-like at all. Hadn't he just had a fit at me for trying to embarrass him? Or make him look like a 'fool', I should say …

"I, er ..." he began, and then shook his head and looked at me again. "This year you showed up – and it was like you and James were already, somehow, friends." He swallowed and averted his eyes. "And, I mean, for one thing, I have no idea how that happened because he and I do everything together. But what I really mean is … I was sort of, I dunno … jealous, I suppose." I raised my eyebrows and widened my eyes at him. He smiled awkwardly, but quickly turned it into a frown. "Because I was the one who was supposed to know you. In my head, at least."

He suddenly became very interested in his left shirt sleeve.

I was sort of frozen, and when he finally looked up at me I actually burst out laughing. He made a face at me and I covered my mouth and gasped, and then laughed again, and then controlled myself.

"I … just thought you hated me," I stated.

Revelation had hit. I didn't even need to think of all the different occasions where I had suspected that Sirius had something in his head about me, for one reason or another. I didn't even think how stupid it was to worry about it, or pick at details. It was just over. I didn't need to look back on it.

"You're joking," he said, grinning

"I'm not," I laughed.

"How could I possibly hate you? You're That Little Muggle-born Girl," he said.

I don't know what it was about that statement. Maybe it was him returning all the comfort and meaning that I had drawn from my encounter with the Magic Boy. Maybe my emotions were just a little heightened after being subjected to his anger, and then being subjected to the shock of his horrible family-life, and then the sudden reminder of something that had meant the world to me when I was eleven years old. I don't know, but anyway, I'm usually not the affectionate type – I'm not touchy, I get freaked out when someone even stands too close to me – but at that moment I turned to face him properly and gently put my hand on his arm. He blinked at my hand, his nose wrinkling up slightly. I stood on my tiptoes, fleetingly aware that Greta Catchlove's shoes were presently flung under the refreshments table back at the party, and laid an awkward kiss on his pale, perfectly structured cheek.

I laughed at his face when I stepped back from him – extremely confused with a little bit of contempt thrown in.

He cleared his throat loudly. "Too much talking? Right." He yawned massively, slinging his arm over my shoulder. "I think it's time you got to bed."

* * *

><p>Greta was already back in the dormitory.<p>

"Ooh, he gave you his jacket?" _Why oh why did that idiot not remind me to give him his bloody jacket back …_ "Any dirt?" she gossiped.

I paused, genuinely trying to figure out how to possibly answer a question like that. "Depends what you mean by dirt."

I glanced at the other beds. Dahna wasn't back yet … Smith was getting lucky tonight then, wink wink, nudge nudge. And maybe I was being too suspicious, but the lumps in the other two beds looked just a little too still for my liking. Not that I was going to spill the beans about _any_ aspect of the night's misadventures to _anyone. _Ever.

"Cheeky bit of snogging?" Greta suggested, looking up with a sly grin.

I snorted. And it seemed that all I could do in that situation was to absolutely lie my pants off.


	15. Wakeup Call

**- Chapter Fifteen -**

**Wake-up Call**

The next morning, I was awoken very early by the sudden chill of having my duvet ripped off me, gleeful yells and the groaning of mattress springs. It bounced a little underneath me, and my head bobbed up and down on my pillow. Then it continued to bounce a lot more and the force made me jump up into a dizzy-but-alert half-sitting position. I immediately lifted my arm to shield my eyes and face as I blinked up into the light.

James Potter and Sirius Black were jumping on my bed.

Dream. Only explanation. Must get back to peaceful sleep now. I scrabbled forwards to grab my covers and drag them back over my head as I slumped back onto my pillow. Ah. So nice.

But then I heard the yells of disapproval, and the two body slams which followed made me realise that I couldn't possibly have been dreaming. Because, quite simply, it hurt. A lot. I groaned out loud in pain as one of them landed heavily on me, partially crushing my hip bone, and the other one somehow managed to elbow me in the head.

I curled up in a grumpy-little-morning-ball-of-confusion, but there was nowhere to escape. The blanket was tugged right out of the safety and comfort of my fists as a pair of glasses and big brown eyes peeked out from underneath it, and James, unnecessarily loud for that time of morning (and double-unnecessarily right into my face), shouted, "WAAAAAKE UP, 'PUFF!"

I covered my face with my hands and then yelled in surprise when Sirius began _shaking_ me. Literally, he _grabbed _me around the waist under the covers, and _shook _me. Vigorously. I couldn't think of a harsher way of being brought into crude wakefulness from the beauty and perfection that is sleep! I squirmed (it tickled) and couldn't control myself, which is what made me kick out. Sirius yelped a little and I felt the weight of him kneeling on the bed beside me suddenly disappear. I raised my head groggily and turned over just in time to see the sheets slip from under him, and despite all attempts at holding onto something that wasn't falling he finally lost his balance and fell to the floor with a loud _thunk_.

James raised his head, his glasses askew, and threw his head back with laughter at the sight of his friend lying sprawled on the floor in a pile of sheets and covers. I stared in silence for a moment at Sirius as he erupted into barking laughs too, and then I flopped back onto my pillow, choosing instead to stare at the ceiling.

Something wasn't quite right.

The mattress creaked again as Sirius hopped back onto the bed and launched himself in between me and James, and with a lot of worming and elbowing the three of us were lying side by side in my small single bed a moment later.

_Arrghhh!_

I sat up suddenly, and faced the two boys. They were laughing but stopped and froze comically when they copped my expression. The two of them wore barely concealed grins as they sat up simultaneously and returned my stare in an innocent manner.

Innocent if they were anyone but Marauders, that is.

I took a few steadying breaths. "What are yous doing here?" I asked carefully, my voice all croaky and weird. I coughed and spluttered a little, and then returned to staring at them seriously.

Sirius made a choking noise like holding back laughter, and the two boys exchanged glances. Oh Lord, did I have drool on my face or something? I wiped my mouth as inconspicuously as possible on the sleeve of my pyjamas, but hopefully they were too busy reading each other's minds to notice.

James laughed loudly as if I had just told a really silly joke. He rumpled his hair, and said, "Why, we're here to see you of course!"

I raised my eyebrows in what I hope was a very unimpressed manner. This was NO LAUGHING MATTER.

Sirius shot me a grin. "It's the first day of the hols, we've got no time to lose," he added in a business-like tone.

My cool façade was slightly diminished, I think, when I slipped and almost fell off the bed. James instantly sat up and fussed and tried to help (even though I said it was fine about a few hundred times), by pulling me back, shoving Sirius out of the way, and scooting back against the headboard to make more room. Sirius rolled his eyes and shuffled to the other end of the bed, where he leaned against the other wooden board and folded his arms.

I sat up cross-legged and blew some hair out of my face before facing them again. "What are yous doing ... _here_?"

"Ah," replied James quickly, "Well … we just happened to notice that our favourite Hufflepuff happened to also be the_ only _Hufflepuff staying at the school for Christmas … And-"

He exchanged a look with Sirius, who nodded and grinned cheekily, with the same childlike pride for his misdeeds. "-And that Hufflepuff also seemed to have slept in today."

I glanced at my watch and did a double-take. "It's half nine in the morning!" I cried in distress. What was their _actual_ problem? "Uncool, guys!"

Sirius unfolded his arms and raised his eyebrows with a dubious expression. "You don't seem to understand, Holly; you see, IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

"Not today," I grumbled.

"You're just being stubborn on purpose, aren't you?" Sirius muttered with a smirk.

My reply was interrupted by a massive yawn, which was followed by another yawn and a nice stretch.

"Or you literally haven't woken up yet …" came James's unsure voice.

"I …" began to say, and then I stopped and remembered what my indignation was all about in the first place. I jumped to my knees and burst out loudly, "Yous aren't allowed in here!"

"I was actually surprised we managed it. The girls' dorm in Gryffindor Tower has an anti-boy device," said Sirius in a low voice, smirking at his own calm reply to my outburst.

"The founders must've thought that Hufflepuffs would be more trustworthy," I replied crisply. "And clearly they were right, too!"

James and Sirius both shook their heads and laughed at me.

"It's not bloody funny! You two aren't allowed in this Common Room, let alone my _dorm!_" I shouted, feeling indecent just thinking about it. "You can't just mosey on into a girl's room, what kind of people are you anyway? Who does that? And what's more, this Common Room is supposed to be the best kept secret out of the four, no outsiders have been inside in over a thousand years or something! We're badgers, dammit! You can't just do this! I can't believe you'd just do this! What the hell? You probably followed me, didn't you? I cannot _believe_ I let this happen, I'm such a bloody idiot! It's so unfair, everyone's going to hate me now! Thanks a lot, you complete and utter _bastards._"

James looked absolutely horrified. "Whoa calm down, we didn't mean to upset you, Holly, honest, we-"

He was silenced by Sirius who chuckled and hit his arm. James turned around to his friend, eyes popping out of his skull, and Sirius grinned a really wide grin. "She's joking, Prongs! Can't you tell?"

James blinked and spun back around to see me. I widened my eyes at him in surprise at a response I had not been expecting at all. For one thing, I had been grinning for more than half of my little lecture.

"Wha – But – That was so _mean! _I thought you were seriously pissed!" cried James rather breathlessly. He blew air out of his cheeks and ran a hand through his messy hair, making it stick up even more than usual. If that was possible.

"Eh … Nah, just joshing" I said wearily. My legs were going numb from kneeling so I swung them forwards and crossed them again. "But," I amended shortly afterwards, pointing a menacing finger at the two of them in turn, "I am not amused. You two really shouldn't be here." I frowned and rubbed my eyes, remembering I had just woken up and probably looked a state. I looked down at my hand. My fingers were all black. Aaah, forgot to take my make-up off again. Hell. "I never actually understood what the Prefects meant when they said that," I thought out loud. "I mean, if some 'outsider' had been in the Common Room and didn't want us to know about it, well how the hell would we ever know? What they should say is, no outsider has been inside _and_ blabbed about it afterwards. Am I asleep?" I rubbed my eyes and yawned once more.

Sirius was laughing at me. "That's a good point. And if it makes you feel any better, it's not your fault we found out about this place. We've known it for years."

That caught me a little. "_Why_?" was all I could ask.

"This castle has few secrets left that haven't been discovered by the Marauders," bragged James. Sirius threw him a concerned look, but then seemed to change his mind and smirked slightly at me.

"Really?" I asked suspiciously. They both nodded smugly. I fiddled with the corner of the duvet for a minute, sizing them up. "Slytherin Common Room?"

"Dungeons. Blank stretch of wall. Password changes every fortnight. Give us a hard one," yawned James.

I tapped my fingers on my knee. What else could I possible ask about? "Secret passages," I realised suddenly, looking at Sirius. Then I got a revelation. "But hey – that room with all the Divination supplies. I thought you both said you had never seen it either."

They both looked a little disheartened. "That was … an oddity," Sirius told me eventually.

"But believe me, girl, we've seen things around here you'd never even dream of," supplied James.

"I'm sure I could _dream_," I said sceptically.

"Yeah, I'm sure you could too," Sirius agreed. "Don't exaggerate or anything, mate."

"Whose side are you on, _mate_?" James retorted.

I wet my lips. "So, can I ask _why_ you're so informed on the secrets of the castle? What's your secret?"

They both opened their mouths at the same time, and then both closed them hastily. They looked at each other, shooting signals of eyes and brows and mouths that I couldn't have followed, even if I had been bothered.

I wasn't, so I stretched some more. "OK, then, don't tell me. Didn't wanna know anyway." I tried to make my elbows meet at the back. And was that cracking in my neck and shoulders something I should be worried about? Oh well. By the time they were finished and attempted to change the subject they needn't have bothered because the conversation had already slipped my mind.

"Not that this hasn't been a lovely pillow talk," started Sirius, pulling out his pocket watch and giving it a quick glance, "but are you ready or what?"

"What's the rush anyways?" I asked sleepily.

My question was expertly ignored, and James patted my knee. "We'll wait in the Common Room while you get yourself dolled up," he said with a wink, hopping off the bed.

Sirius slipped off as well and headed for the door, turning around to say, "Oh, and you really need to clean out under your bed," pointing to the spot where he had fallen, where the covers were all bunched up and strewn on the floor.

"What! It's perfectly tidy under there!"

"There is so much junk stuffed under there, it's ridiculous!" As if to prove his point, he strode over and lay down flat on the floor and reached his hand to search under my bed.

James peered around the door, and gave his friend an odd sort of look.

I pushed my hair back from my face, shaking my head in bewilderment. "I resent that! Books are not junk."

"It looks like you nicked a whole section from the library and stashed it under here," he continued, dragging out a large cardboard box with one hand and sitting cross-legged to go through it. "What's this?"

He looked up at me, a small notebook with a black cover in his hand.

I felt my eyes widen. "Nothing," I said with obviously forced calmness. I made to grab the notebook back but he edged backwards, keeping it out of my reach. He looked way too pleased with himself.

"What is it? Your diary or something?" he asked, gasping dramatically.

"_No_... Shut up! _Sirius, don't read that_!"

He rolled his eyes. "Relax, Holly, I'm not going to read you diary … It is your diary, right?"

"… Maybe!"

He flicked the pages quickly and then threw it back into the box. He stuck his head under the bed again, and when he emerged he had something else in his hand.

I screamed and ran at him, hoping to snatch the bra away from him before he realised what it was. But he just looked at it and then did a double-take. He laughed when I threw myself on the floor beside him and lunged for his arm, but he tossed my bra across the room where it was caught with the skill of Chaser or Seeker (or whatever Quidditch terms applied to this situation), by James, who had until now been standing quietly by the door.

James looked at the bra in his fist, and then his eyes widened in shock and threw it hastily on the floor, looking absolutely appalled.

"You're bigger than you look …"

"_Sirius!_"

A pile of books toppled over and spilled out from under the bed. "See? Total mess," he teased. He picked up a yellowing book and furrowed his brow at the title. "What's this anyway? 'The Magician's Nephew' … Ugh! That is _so _impertinent." He made a noise of disgust.

"What?"

"_Magician_? Sounds like some sap doing tricks a a Muggle kid's birthday party … I feel genuinely insulted."

I rubbed my eyes wearily. "It's a Muggle book, Sirius. And it _is_ a magician, not a wizard_._ It's not remotely insensitive to your magical capabilities."

Sirius looked at the book suspiciously and turned it over to read the back. "I still don't like it. I'll just have to read it to make sure."

"Fine, you can take it," I said, chuckling.

He stood up, and looked around the room with an oddly confused expression.

"We were supposed to be leaving," James reminded him.

"Right. Once I'm done with this I'll need to read your diary, though," he grinned, turning to me as he walked out the door.

"You'll need to finish the other six books in the series first," I replied smarmily.

"I will happily accept that challenge," he said, grinning widely at me.

I chewed my tongue. "I'm still not happy with you two being here," I said, pointing, but the smile still managed to escape me.

Sirius eyed me up and down with a haughty, cocky smirk, and I had to stop my smile growing. So, apparently, the fact that I had come to terms with our kissing incident did not make him any less gorgeous in every way. I gulped a little, and grinned to myself.

"You love us really," he said, grinning at me through the crack as he closed the door behind him.

I paused, and then ran to the door to slump myself against it, panting for some reason.

James and Sirius were in my Common Room.

"Dress warmly!" I heard James call in a sing-song voice from the other side of the rounded wooden door.

I pushed my back to it and slid into a heap on the floor. For a while I just sat there, then I grabbed some random articles of clothing and locked myself in the toilet.

The Marauders were sneaky. They sneak around the castle at night. They sneak into innocent girl's bedrooms at ungodly hours of the morning. They were _sneaky_. I was taking no chances. So I was changing in the bathroom.

I emerged from the tunnel and stood in the doorway of the Common Room, staring in silence at the two boys sprawled out on the comfiest armchairs near the fireplace, where the beginning tongues of a fire were flickering cheerfully. Both of them black-haired and bold as brass amongst the soft, earthy colours of Hufflepuff around them. Sirius had washed his hair since the night before, I could tell because it looked lush and soft and no longer styled in any way other than the natural, flawless, wavy way that it always fell. He had a jumper on – I actually had to double-check that one. A _jumper_? Yes, a red, woolly one. He must have thought that he needed to overcompensate for wearing the wrong house colour last night. But what happened to his blazers and shirts and fancy black trousers and leather shoes? Madness. He was wearing jeans! They were black, granted, but still. He had his boots up on the coffee table. He was definitely dressed oddly today. James was wearing boots too, as well as his usual faded blue jeans and a navy hooded fleece with a blocky diamond pattern across the chest. They were far too blatant for the room; from the fresh greens of plants to the sunny yellow wall hangings and brown woody barrel-shaped doors and window frames. And there, above the mantelpiece, the portrait of Helga herself.

It was a good thing she was sleeping soundly, otherwise she might smite me for allowing outsiders in our private dwellings! And somehow, it was so clear that the two of them didn't belong there.

I stood for a moment longer – and I was most definitely _not_ checking out Sirius's legs in those jeans – until James glanced around and exclaimed, "Finally! We were thinking you must have gotten your head stuck in your jumper or something! Let's go." He hopped over the back of the couch and practically ran for the door. Sirius got up and flexed his arms out with a sigh, then followed quickly behind James.

"So what's going on?" I asked, strolling behind them along the basement corridor. I wasn't going to rush after them. "Why the wake-up call?"

"What's so suspicious about us wanting to hang out with you?" asked James, pretending to be offended.

I was about to say, 'Everything' but stopped myself, because that sounded a lot meaner than what I meant. Ugh, so now I have to think about what I say before speaking in case somebody takes something the wrong way and gets mad at me? The effort of having friends! And yes, thinking requires effort. Well, I know worrying really does.

"And Lupin and Pettigrew?"

"Gone home for the hols," Sirius informed me. Ah, now I saw what this was. Their friends were gone, so they turn to me. I could be hurt by that. I could feel upset that I had let myself get attached to these two, only to discover that I was only ever a backup friend. But I had _never _really thought that I was a proper friend to them. And I _never_ allow myself to get too attached. In my head we should never have come to the 'friend' stage in the first place. I could take or leave these two; just right now they happened to be taking _me_. Now that I thought about it, they were usually the ones doing the taking. I just liked tagging along for the hell.

"Yeah, Remus said he'd at least have a chance of doing some work if he's all alone in his house."

"So, basically, anywhere that's far, far away from the pair of you?"

He smirked at me. "I think that's the idea. But he's too kind too say it out loud. Unlike you," he added as an afterthought, his eyes glinting playfully as they met mine.

I grinned at him as we made our way into the Entrance Hall. And I noticed James and Sirius both cast a quick glance at the great oak doors that led out onto the grounds before turning sharply and heading into the Great Hall.

I looked over my shoulder at the doors, and shivered slightly before traipsing after them.

The Hall was completely deserted. I plonked myself down opposite James and Sirius, buttered a couple slices of bread and stuffed some bacon in between them.

There seemed to be a race going on between the two boys over who could stuff down the full length of the Gryffindor table the fastest. Sirius, with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, was hastily stuffing his fork into every plate and bowl he saw, gathering a full English breakfast – or three - together, while James was determinedly stacking a mountain of scrambled egg onto a few slices of toast. I was almost forgetting to chew my rasher sandwich while watching them as they began wolfing it all down. I might have been disgusted if I hadn't been simply struck dumb in awe.

At least they managed to chew with their mouths closed …

Before I knew what had happened, James was half-standing, gulping down a large glass of orange juice. Sirius knocked back a cup of milk and then took a mouthful of black tea and seemed to scald himself. He winced and stuck his tongue out of his mouth, then he swore and winced again, before standing up and choking, "Come on!" And then the two of them were up and striding back out the door they had entered not three minutes earlier.

I dropped the crusts of my sandwich onto my plate and jogged out of the Great Hall after them.

"OK, what's going on? What's with the-"

I stopped in my tracks as James and Sirius both turned to me at the same time. James was grinning ecstatically like a kid, and Sirius was trying to look neutral, but the corners of his mouth were curling up and his eyes were flashing excitedly. They were stood right in front of the huge front doors of the castle, and each of them grabbed one of the big brass handles and wrenched them open.

The glare was positively blinding. Cold air bit at my cheeks, but after a moment of initial shock I rushed outside to stare around in amazement, my eyes widening excitedly at the crunching sound beneath my feet.

Snow.

Everything was covered in a blanket of purest white; from the crumbling stone arches and cobbles of the front courtyard, to the grounds further out, the trees of the forbidden forest, the lake an icy rink and the mountains looking like the frosted tops of cupcakes in the distance, to the sky itself which was all a mass of continuous pale, fluffy grey clouds.

I let out a sigh of wonder and could see my breath. I slowly began to grin like a total nutcase.

Sirius strolled casually out beside me and squatted down. "Looks like we're the first ones out," he commented, straightening up. "Cool."

I turned to him trying to find words, but couldn't and just ended up grinning madly at him. He raised his eyebrows at me and smiled back in a certain way that made me lose my breath all over again.

Jesus, Christmas really does make people act like complete fools, doesn't it? Just look at a bit of snow and suddenly everything seems intensely enchanting and romantic, and turning girls like me into starry-eyed saps …

I was brought back to reality when a whizzing sound flew threw the air, and a massive snowball collided with the side of Sirius's head.

"OH I AM GOING TO GET YOU FOR THAT ONE, PRONGS!"

After yelling and running away from the two boys – and the beginnings of a furious snowball death match – in a very uncharacteristically energetic fashion, I stopped by the wall overlooking the steps down to the boathouse, just to stare out over the breathtaking view and to take it all in.

"You could've just told me why we were rushing!" I shouted over to them, spinning around to see James, pink in the face, glance up with a grin. It only took the second of distraction for Sirius to knock his glasses right off of his face with a well-aimed snowball. James dramatically fell over too.

Sirius then looked around and saw me, and an evil grin crossed his face. I hastily looked at my feet. I was awful and making snowballs, and let's not even discuss the actual _throwing_ part. But there was nowhere to run.

In a bizarre coincidence or basic example of his suspected Legilimency power, he shouted, "There's nowhere to run!" His snowball missed me by and inch, and I ducked and legged it for my life anyway. Sprinting around the courtyards walls and slipping out through an arch leading to the viaduct, the snow was so thick I was tripping over my own feet. The air was rushing past my ears and the bitter wind stung my face, and Sirius was still taller and faster, and right at my heels, but I hadn't had this much adrenaline in forever-

And the next thing I knew he had tackled me to the ground and I had a faceful of cold, white, wet stuff.

I spat out the flakes and gasped, and then burst out laughing as Sirius rolled off me and was overcome by a fit of laughter as well. I turned onto my back and looked over at him, and then grabbed an armful of the freezing white stuff and threw it over his face.

After a few minutes of thrashing around fighting on the ground and too many shockingly-cold mouthfuls of snow, James came crunching over to us, hands in pockets.

"Blimey, you two. I am still here, you know."

"Sorry, mate!" laughed Sirius, and then swiped at his friend's legs making him fall over onto his backside.

We took a shortcut from the courtyard and found the school grounds open out to us, one brilliant sheet of white stretching all the way to the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid's Hut looked like a frosted gingerbread house. After playing out in the snow for a while, some of the other students emerged and began playing too. We were the only students from seventh year staying, but there were a small gaggle from fifth year, two nervous-looking first year Gryffindors and some loudmouth fourth years. On top of that there seemed to be a majority of Slytherins staying.

I remembered Greta saying something about how her mother was thinking of taking her out of school after the holidays. I think everyone was aware that large numbers of death eaters were being recruited all the time … especially from the younger generations. Teenagers just out of school, with fighting spirits and minds ready to be moulded. Maybe some of our classmates were already amongst his followers. That was a scary thought.

The things Regulus had said came back into my mind. Mudblood and Blood traitor. Pureblood. Status. Wealth. _The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black._

No wonder Sirius was the way he was. Rebellious. Loyal. Dark. Temperamental. And I thought my family was bad!

After a steaming lunch of soup and toasted bread rolls, we took a few minutes to run back to our respective dormitories and grab gloves and scarves and coats and anything that could possibly protect exposed flesh from the fierce bitter cold of the snow, and then got back outside as soon as we could.

* * *

><p>After glorious steaming dinners, we were sitting in the Hufflepuff Common Room, slouched on the comfy armchairs; Helga Hufflepuff's portrait unceremoniously covered with an old sheet.<p>

I couldn't have cared less at that stage. I was tired, and there was nowhere else as comfortable where the three of us could have hung out together.

Sirius was now wearing a blazer over his jumper. He slumped back in his seat and stretched his arms over his head. He was so hot. I just had to say it. I found myself looking at his jeans again. They were _really_ nice jeans. And his chest … And his body in general … He was just so _slim_, and lean and perfect – and oh my God, just leave my alone, OK? Can't I think he's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and still not fancy him? It is possible, you know!

Had my attraction to him mysteriously increased since last night? Or was it simply just that he was dressed especially handsomely today … Or maybe both.

I jumped guiltily when Sirius suddenly sat up, his body alert and tense. But he wasn't looking at me, and he didn't seem to notice that I had been checking him out either. Instead he just half-shouted, "MERLIN'S BEARD IT'S A CAT!"

I glanced around to the where Greymalkin was sitting by the door, staring at us with wide green eyes.

"Oh, yeah. That's-" I started, but Sirius cut across me over-excitedly.

"Cat! Look at it! Is it your cat? I didn't know you had a cat! Oh my Godric he's so handsome! Look at his tail! – Oh my – He's coming over!—" He was staring in wonder at the cat as it haughtily crossed the room and approached the person least interested in his existence (as only a cat would do). That happened to be me.

And before I knew it, Greymalkin was sitting in my lap and padding around with his claws, making me huff impatiently. If there was one thing that could irritate me, it was a cat ripping threads out of my clothes and digging its sharp nails into me when I wasn't in the mood for it.

Sirius, on the other hand, was on the very edge of his seat, grinning like a complete and utter nutcase. "Look at him! He's so beautiful!" he gasped. And then he was on his knees by the side of my armchair, stroking the bloody cat, completely unaware of the fact that I was staring at him in total shock.

I looked around at James, who simply rolled his eyes and grinned.

"I didn't know you were a cat-person," said Sirius, all eyes for the cat who stared blatantly back at him.

"I'm not," I replied with distaste. "But I didn't think you were either!"

"Ah I'm more of a dog-person, really," he said, finally looking up and shooting me a grin.

I rolled my eyes. "Typical."

There was a short pause, before both Sirius and James asked hurriedly, "Why is that typical?"

I looked at both of them a little curiously. "You know … Sirius, the dog-star?" They both stared at me. "Didn't you two do astronomy?" Still no response. I sighed impatiently. "Also, you basically just _yapped_ at my cat."

Sirius laughed and said, "Oi! Yapping is for puppies." He just kept stroking the cat, and Greymalkin eyed him up in a bored sort of way. But when Sirius got up and turned back to his seat, the cat followed him. The boy grinned widely when the cat got itself comfortable in his lap and nuzzled its face against his chin.

"Why do you have a cat if you're not a cat-person?" asked James.

"Ha, I don't know. My mam thought I was lonely. And my uncle with depression got a cat, and then he started recovering." I froze. Did I really just say that out loud?

James blinked and stared at me. "Why did your mother think you were lonely?" he asked, staring at me with worried eyes.

I mouthed silently and then shrugged.

"I can't believe I've never asked you before," said Sirius, looking up suddenly. "If you're not a cat-person then what animal are you?"

"What animal _am_ I? I'm fairly certain I'm a _human,_ not an animal. Last time I checked anyway."

Sirius and James seemed to find this hilarious. "You know what he meant," answered James, after they had finished laughing. "Like … What's your Patronus, at least?"

I shrugged defensively. "How should I know?"

They laughed again, but stopped quickly this time, seeming to realise that I wasn't joking.

"How can you not know?" asked James, horrified.

Sirius shook his head and looked at his friend. "She doesn't do Defense," he explained solemnly.

James took this in for a moment, wrinkling his brow at the floor. When he looked up at me he seemed even more confused. "How do you _not _do Defense?"

"I … didn't choose it?"

"You think it's funny?" asked Sirius, laughing self-contradictorily. "Well don't come crying to us when you get snatched by Death Eaters …"

"I'd be useless in a fight whether I took the subject or not!" I tried to explain.

"Aren't you even curious what animal you'd be, though?" asked James in disbelief.

I scratched my nose in response.

"And this is why she's never going to be inducted into the Marauders …" sighed Sirius, shooting me a half-grin.

"Well, thanks. I didn't want to be part of your stupid poofy club anyways," I laughed.

We sat there for hours, listening to my Muggle records on the gramophone. We all agreed that the Ramones were better than the Hobgobins, anyway. James sat with his brow wrinkled, staring into the fire. He was probably already missing Lily. I thought it was extremely stupid, and the dependance and general romantic-ness of it even annoyed me ever so slightly, but that didn't make it any less true. Sirius sat back, his eyes on the ceiling and the slightest of smiles on his face. Every once in a while he would give a chuckle, finding something funny in the odd lyrics or just the sound of the singer's voice. I closed my eyes and let the music become inside of my head.

James liked _I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend, _and Sirius liked _Beat on the Brat._

After a while, Sirius suddenly burst out laughing, and said, "I really have no idea what he hell that bloke is saying!"

* * *

><p>Short AN, actually. Need help thinking of an animal that suits Holly! I'm really stuck, actually, between what the character symbolises and what she actually vaguely resembles (strawberry blond like?). And what would look cute with certain shaggy black dog :) Dunno if it'll ever come into the story but still. I'd love if anyone has suggestions. Just PM me or anything if you weren't going to review! Thanks!<p> 


	16. The Improbable Boy

**- Chapter Sixteen -**

**The Improbable Boy**

_There's something going on._

_I don't want to sound suspicious or anything. I'm merely pointing out a fact._

_There's something going on._

_PLEASE don't get me wrong here! I don't expect to know everything that goes on with James and Sirius. I don't expect them to give me explanations for their odd behaviour. All I'm saying is that their odd behaviour all of a sudden was becoming very, _VERY_ apparent, and in all honesty, kind of difficult to ignore._

_Maybe it was easier to notice it now, because I was spending pretty much every waking moment of my days with them. Actually surprised I'm not sick of them yet. Wake-up calls every morning (which, after another day, I had become used to – and was at least conscious when they barged their way into my bed, ugh), to the days spent playing out in the snow, or taking long walks around the grounds, or sneaking into the kitchens, or trying to teach them how to play Monopoly and Cluedo (which Sirius found under my bed when he went rooting to find the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe), to the long evenings spent lounging about the Hufflepuff Common Room in front of the fire._

_I started making a list in my head. I can't stress this enough, though: I'm not attempting to unravel some mystery that shouldn't be unravelled! JUST MAKING SOME OBSERVATIONS HERE! But I'll have to write them down now or I'll just forget._

_1. Right. OK. Sometimes they just say things that don't make sense (well, not to me, anyway. Obviously). This was especially common with James, more so than Sirius. He'd say something,_ completely ambiguous or cryptic_. It was like he was _hinting_. I had noticed this before, and he'd usually share a look with Sirius and then glance at me, as if dying for me to ask what he was talking about._

_But I never did. I don't like to be nosy._

_2. I don't know how to say this, but there was just something about them. It was the whole 'Marauders' thing, I think. Marauders, to me, implied mischief and outlaws and hooligans. (I would say pirates, but I'm fairly certain that the four of them don't go out to pillage or plunder or rape the townswomen. But I still won't rule out that option.)_

_'The Marauders' portrayed the part of them that sat in detention every other week. But what were they doing to get into detention, I wonder? No, actually, I don't wonder. Still just in the business of facts here._

_How did they know the secret passages of the castle like the backs of their hands? Secret passages that I had never even known were there in the first place. Did that have something to do with their Maraudering? (Is Maraudering even a word? Marauding? Marauderer... Definitely not, no.)_

_3. Which brings me nicely to my next point. Sometimes they just showed up in the most convenient of places. I have a few examples of this, from rereading this diary and pinpointing things that I hadn't paid all that much attention to when they had happened. I should totally be a detective or something!_

_First, remember that day when Snape had vanished my potion, and then James had come to thank me for 'standing up for him' with Lily and all that? I thought I was crazy – but I definitely heard footsteps that _DID NOT BELONG TO ANYONE_ when I turned around. It was impossible for me to have missed him, but a second later, he was there! What!_

_And second, when Sirius and I had taken the secret passage back to the castle, the one through the basement of Honeydukes, we had come out in some random corridor. And who showed up two seconds later? James Potter. Someone tell me how that happened. Honestly._

_(In fairness, I don't actually have any more examples right now.)*_

_4. Actually, point number four comes in the form of a short theatrical reconstruction of something that happened a few days ago in the holidays. Forgive me for any misquotations that may be involved, but I'm not some miracle character from Dracula who can remember every single word of every conversation that happened yesterday. (I don't care what Mina says, you can't train yourself to remember things that perfectly!) But here's me having a go anyway:_

(Holly walking down the basement corridor. Sirius and James off stage, having headed first to Gryffindor Tower after dinner to avoid suspicion.)

Holly: (To self) Crap, left my gloves.

(Holly turns around and begins walking back the way she came, to Great Hall, picks up gloves. Back on the basement corridor, she hears voices ahead. Holly halts a little, looking nervous, but has to keep walking.)

(Voices heard off stage. Voices talking very fast.)

Sirius: … weren't supposed to say that. You were supposed to tell it me it was the most ridiculous idea you'd ever heard.

James: But I love the idea! It's fantastic. I think she should know.

Sirius: Bollocks.

James: But what's got you so keen to tell her all of a sudden? You're usually the one wanting to keep things all secretive …

Sirius: I don't know.

James: (excitedly) Does that mean you'll let me tell Lily?

Sirius: Don't be thick, Lily's Head Girl.

James: (mumbles incoherently)

Sirius: I don't know. Because I like her.

(Pause)

Sirius: (defensively) All right, don't get all crazy on me! I like her the way I like … milk. The same way _you_ like her. She's our friend!

James: Did something happen at Sluggy's do? You two kinda disappeared-

Sirius: Nothing happened. Did you hear me say milk?

James: You know I will _kill _you if I find out that you're keeping things from me. God dammit, Sirius, I will murder my best friend in his sleep. I swear-

Sirius: I know and I'm not.

James: Right. We're gonna have MAKE A PLAN 'bout how to tell her-

(James and Sirius appear on stage, by the door of the Hufflepuff Common Room, facing away from Holly as she halts. They hear her. They freeze and turn around. Painful, heavy silence. James, after a moment, jumps and makes a half-hearted attempt to hide the old piece of parchment he's holding behind his back.)

Holly: Er, I just left my gloves in the Hall.

James, Sirius: Er, right.

AWKWARD!

_I have been trying extremely hard not to try and dissect this conversation. _

_(And milk? Hahahaa what the hell?)_

_5. Just realised! That piece of parchment James hid behind his back. _I had seen that parchment before. _I'm not going crazy. (I sure hope not anyway.) It's old-looking and severely weathered, and there's a brown ring on the back that looks like it came from a mug of tea! I had definitely seen it before. Why would they be constantly carrying around a manky old piece of parchment? Here's where I had seen it before: In the kitchens with Sirius, when I was freaking out after having a go at Lily Evans, Sirius slapped it on the table along with a packet of Droobles and a nose-biting teacup while searching in his pocket for his wand; In the hallway after the shortcut from Honeydukes when James appeared out of nowhere, old parchment sticking out of his pocket. Same parchment. I'm telling you. I'm not crazy._

* * *

><p><em>(*New addition to the Argument for Showing Up In Convenient Places follows.)<em>

* * *

><p>I wasn't getting worked up about the suspicious behaviour of my friends. Of course I wasn't. So when I found myself all on my own, sitting at the top of the Astronomy Tower late on the night of Christmas Eve, or early in the morning of Christmas Day even, of course the two Gryffindors weren't the only thing that was on my mind, keeping me awake at ridiculous hours, staring at the stars. Thinking about stars. Not thinking about James and Sirius and whatever secrets they had, or whatever plans they had, or whatever lives they led when I wasn't around.<p>

I was literally thinking about other things. I just can't remember exactly what they were.

The lads had gone back to their own Common Room sometime after curfew, and now it must have been past midnight. I don't know what had possessed me to come out in the freezing cold night to do a dash of stargazing, but for whatever reason, I was there. The sky was so clear, I suppose I could hardly resist.

The moon was almost completely full.

I could see Sirius. Sirius the star, I mean.

I had already been sitting there for quite some time, when I heard the quiet footsteps clanging on the metal staircase, and I felt my eyes widen and my mind go blank in an oh-no-I'm-fucking-caught-now-and-can't-I-think-of-anything-to-do-other-than-to-simply-turn-around-and-look-as-innocent-as-possible-and-sit-as-still-as-humanly-possible-in-the-hope-that-they-don't-see-me-in-the-pitch-dark kind of way.

I turned around, feeling fairly calm somehow. It didn't occur to me that the gentle footsteps sounded nothing like the shuffling, wheezing ones of Filch. But I still wasn't worried. Maybe I just didn't care anymore.

I turned around, and I could see Sirius. Sirius the boy. Sirius, with his handsome face, with his ruffled-but-tidy black hair, with his long grey coat worn over those sort of baby-blue striped pyjamas that I had always associated with old men. Just standing there at the top of the steps of the Astronomy Tower. Bold as brass. Hands in pockets. And our eyes met. But he didn't look surprised to see me at all. Just _vaguely_ interested in my existence.

I looked at him, and he looked at me; his deep grey eyes completely fathomless and impossible.

I turned around and returned my gaze to the stars.

_Logic_: There was no way he could have possibly known that I was up here. He couldn't have followed me because I had been up here for at least twenty minutes. He couldn't be stalking me because, really, why would he bother? And I just didn't believe in a coincidence as colossal as that. That boy was impossible. _Literally, _impossible.

Well, no, he was here. So it had to be _possible._ Against my better judgement, it had to be possible. It was just very, very highly _improbable_. The boy was improbable.

So improbable, I wasn't even bothered thinking about it.

Everything was quiet for a minute, maybe, and then his improbably soft footsteps crossed the room. I felt him beside me, and then he sat down, hanging his striped blue old man legs over the edge of the highest tower in the castle just like mine, his arms folded over the metal railing that was the only thing separating us from a fairly long drop and death by _splat._ His shoulder lightly touched against mine, his chin rested on top of his folded arms.

And then he handed me a highly improbable cup of tea.

BLOODY HELL.

I turned to stare at him, and his lips spread slightly into a smile as he watched me back. I took a sip of tea, and then shook my head, gave a small laugh and looked away again.

He was grinning now, and looked away too.

HOW DID HE KNOW I WAS HERE HE HAD TO BECAUSE HE CAME AND BROUGHT ME TEA ON TOP OF THE TALLEST TOWER AND OH MY GOD IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

There was a hell of a long silence, which felt good. Sometimes there's nothing better than sharing a comfortable silence with someone you know also appreciates the profundity of comfortable silences. The tea was also good.

"There you are," I said, nodding vaguely towards the dog-star. I was wondering if the star was as improbable as the boy. I had both hands cupped around the mug of tea. The weather wasn't actually bad considering, you know, December and snow and stuff. But it was still pretty bloody cold.

"Where?"

I gave him the directions to find himself in the night sky, because there's nothing more irritating than someone pointing into the sky and saying, 'Right _there_!' It's like, 'Hey, idiot, that's 8.6 light years away. Your 'there' is a little different from my 'there' no matter how good you are at pointing at shit.'

I was glad that Sirius The Boy was not 8.6 light years away. He was sitting close beside me. Very close.

"Hm," he said thoughtfully. "I think the whole House of Black is up there, somewhere."

"What, so you're all named after stars?" I asked. This thought had actually occurred to be before. His brother was called Regulus, for crying out loud.

He scratched the side of his face, and I could hear the sound of his nails on his stubble. He was usually more clean-shaven. He nodded briefly.

"Hm," I said, squinting up at the stars. "I suppose Orion is your dad then?"

He sat up and stared at me. "How did you know that?"

"What, is it seriously?"

"Yeah, yeah, but how the hell did you know that!"

"Orion is the Hunter. Canis major is his senior Dog," I said.

He continued to stare at me. "They didn't teach us that in Astronomy."

"I may have done some background reading."

He laughed and shook his head in bemusement. "I thought Divination mainly used the planets and the Zodiac constellations and stuff."

"Again, I tend to read. A lot."

"Think you could guess some more of my relatives?" he asked, laughing.

I looked back out at the sky and grinned.

"Cassiopeia?"

"Holy Hippogriffs, yes! Great-aunt, yes."

"Andromeda?"

"Cousin. Fantastic cousin. Also got blasted off the tree, for marrying a Muggle-born."

"Pegasus."

"Sadly no."

"Aw, shame. Perseus?"

"No. Come on, you can do better!"

"… Hm, the twins – Castor and Pollux?"

"Pollux was my grandfather," he said. He paused. "Maternal grandfather."

I nodded, oblivious, and kept looking up. Then it hit me, and I positively stared it out of him.

His eyes had already been on me. "Yeah," he said simply.

I made a noise like 'Ooah.'

"My mother and father were second cousins."

"Ooah," I repeated. I exhaled a little. "Jesus Christ, Sirius, you're bloody lucky you turned out so good-looking."

He laughed loudly and then asked me to continue playing the guessing-his-relatives game.

"Did you know that Sirius is twenty-six times more luminous than our sun? And it twinkles like an absolute beaut."

"I'd expect no less from a star that _I'm_ named after, to be honest," he said, grinning at me like an arrogant toerag. "You are amazing."

"I think Regulus is visible in summer. Leo, maybe? Or Bootes … Poor ol' Reggie."

"Please don't call him Reggie," laughed Sirius. "And there happens to be nothing poor about him. The way he spoke to you …" He shook his head and stared at his knees.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." I swallowed tentatively. "I don't care about what he said to me. It's the other things he was saying. It was so awful …"

Sirius shook his head again and laughed, in what I thought was a very improbable way. "Don't worry about that. He's such an ass. He thinks he's so great at winding me up, but I mean, what he was saying was complete horse-shit. Why should I care if my parents wanted to kick me out? I loathed that house. I wanted to leave, and I left. _Reggie_ is a spoiled little wart who thinks he's the cat's pyjamas."

I stared at Sirius in awe. He really was the height of self-assurance. I had to admire him. Nothing, it seemed, could possibly ever bring him down. I knew that couldn't be entirely true, but he sure as hell was good at making it seem that way. I was fairly jealous.

It felt like we were speaking about a very distant memory, like it hardly mattered anymore, like time had forgotten us for awhile up on that tall tower, early in the morning of Christmas Day. That felt really nice, and I liked being able too share that with him, whether he felt the same or not.

"Poor ol' Reggie," I said again, not quite knowing why.

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"I dunno! It sounds to me like he's a sheep. I used to be a bit of a sheep. It's not the greatest feeling in the world. But I dunno."

Sirius turned his face to look at me fully. His grey eyes flicked between both of mine, as if trying to read words that were written across them.

"You give away your sympathy too easily. He doesn't deserve it."

I shrugged complacently. We continued looking at each other for a while.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked suddenly.

"Er, sure."

He took in a deep breath. "Why did you stop hanging out with all your Hufflepuff mates?"

Er. Sure. Anything but that.

AVOID AVOID AVOID!

I pressed my lips together and averted my eyes. "Ah … It's a long and … not very interesting story."

"I'm not going anywhere," he said hopefully. I didn't reply but glanced back at him. He turned sideways towards me, hitching one knee up and tucking the foot under his other thigh. "I'm sorry, but it just makes no sense to me! I can't imagine you having a row with anyone, you see. I kind of experienced that first hand, trying to have a go at you. But you just brought me back down to earth with a completely understandable, reasonable, rational explanation. I can't imagine you even being a bitch to anyone, or being so annoying that your friends had no choice but to drop you. But yet, here you are. I simply can't make sense of it. So what happened?"

I swallowed and rubbed my brow, screwing my eyes shut. I kept them closed as I raised my head back and began telling the story to the heavens.

"You remember the gang I used to hang out with?"

"Yeah. I mean, you were a fairly loud bunch …"

"Yeah, I know … Well, I had this parallel gang that I hung out with during the summer. Back where my mam lives, in Bath." I opened my eyes in time to see his mouth open in surprise "Oh yeah, I live in Somerset."

"I feel like I should have known that," he said.

"Yeah, but my mother's Irish. I was born in Dublin."

"_What?_" he shouted. "Why don't I know these things?"

"It never came up! And to be honest, being associated with Ireland isn't such a great thing to tell people these days!"

"Why not?"

"Something called the IRA, you retard!"

"Oh, you mean not a great thing to tell _Muggles. _Whereas any _magic_-folk know well enough not to blame the Irish for the work of Death Eaters."

"Still."

"See, this is what I'm talking about," said Sirius assertively. "I've suddenly realised that I know absolutely nothing about you. You rarely talk about yourself, you know."

I shrugged again.

"Sorry. We've gotten sidetracked. Please continue your story."

I sighed a bit. "Where was I?"

"Parallel gang. In _Bath_ …"

"Oh yeah," I said, and then I went quiet for a while. There had to be a way to tell the story in a certain _way._ It wasn't a huge deal or anything. It just made me feel a little … weird. "So I had these Muggle friends that I'd hang out with just for the summer holidays. And it was after fourth year that I came back to Bath, and went out to this bridge where we used to hang out …" I rubbed my neck. "Well, it turned out that some huge shit had gone down while I was at school. There was a schism, and the gang had split pretty much in half." My heart was faster than it should have been. "And, well, I had to choose which side to take."

He watched me carefully as I made some faces and weird noises, trying to figure out how to pitch myself to him.

"Ah, gah, I don't – urgh. There was no middle ground! If I chose the blue team, the red team would never speak to me again. Ever. Fifteen year olds are so determined to be completely unforgiving … and I'm not proud. But these were pretty good friends to me. There had been some horrible times, but I had known them since I was a kid. But I couldn't handle the fighting, or the arguments. Or the choice.

"I couldn't choose. I didn't want to choose. So I didn't. I just didn't." I wrinkled my brow, though I felt hard inside. "I just ran away and never spoke to the red team or the blue team again."

There was a short silence and Sirius gave a small sigh. I could feel his eyes on me. His awful, judging eyes.

I draped my arms over the railing, looking down at the shadowed grounds of the castle. You could hardly see anything.

"It was surprisingly easy," I continued, partly to myself. "I found that I was extremely good at being a recluse. I didn't even miss them. They were supposed to be some of my best friends in the world, and I didn't even _miss_ them when they were gone!" Sirius was fiddling with a bit of chipped paint on the railing, his brow furrowed in thought. I turned to him purposefully. "Like, have you ever had a bunch of friends, and one day you wonder, 'Why the hell am I friends with these people? I have basically nothing in common with them, I don't talk to them about anything interesting, they make me feel like total shit about myself most of the time, and now that I think about it, I don't even really _like _them all that much. They are just my friends because they just happen to _be there_.'"

Sirius looked up, and he answered the question that was distorted enough not to sound like a question anymore, with a small, "No. Not really."

"Sorry, yeah. You actually have decent friends," I said quickly.

"So then what happened?" he asked, leaning his elbow on the railing and resting his cheek in his palm.

I scratched my nose. "Well … I dunno. That idea was kinda contagious, I guess. Once I started questioning why I was friends with those people who I didn't care about, I kept questioning. And I realised that it was pretty much the same story with my school friends. It's a little depressing, to be honest, realising that you have no Real Friends that you Could Not Live Without. But it's kind of liberating too. So I decided that things – or _life_ – would be easier, more peaceful, less painful if I just had no friends at all." I exhaled, picking up speed now. "So, I distanced myself from the Hufflepuffians for most of fifth year – claimed I wanted to study just to have an excuse to spend time by myself, stopped going to Slug Club, read a lot so that people wouldn't disturb me … I avoided them, and made more excuses, and never hung out with them until eventually they just … stopped asking. By the time sixth year came around, I had successfully become a loner.

"And all that free time helped me do pretty amazing in the OWLs, if I do say so."

For the first time, I glanced at Sirius. He pursed his lips at me slightly, and scratched his forehead.

I rubbed my forehead with a quick sigh. "Does this make me seem like an awful heartless bitch? Because I honestly can't tell anymore."

He shuffled a little towards me, so that our knees were touching as well as our shoulders, and he extended his arm to lay it over mine. He looked down. "I honestly don't know." He met my eyes. He looked tired, and confused. "I can't imagine what that's like. My friends mean the world to me. Can't. Live. Without."

"I know," I whispered, not exactly sure why I needed to whisper. I chewed my lip. "But it's not like I'm proud of my fifteen year old self."

"You regret it?"

"No. But I was an idiot nonetheless."

"Everyone's a bit of an idiot when they're fifteen," he said with a grin.

"Really? Because you seem exactly the same to me!"

He laughed loudly and ruffled my hair. "Never mind about that. But thank you, Holly Comstock, I feel like I know you a little better now."

I gulped. "Good way or bad way?"

"Good way. Always the good way, Holly."

He grinned, and I grinned.

* * *

><p>"Do you know what it all means?" Sirius asked me a while later. We had gone back to stargazing and the glorious comfortable silence.<p>

"'It all?'"

He waved his hand in the general direction of _up_. "Divinationbyastrology."

I sucked in my cheeks. "Nope. Not a clue. Remind me next time James wants his fortune told to do his star charts for him. I really need a bit of practice with those …" I paused. "Sirius, it's like I don't need to think very much when you're here. Because talking to you is like talking to myself, the way I do in my head. You know?"

"Holly, I know exactly what you mean. And forget James. What if _I_ want _my_ future told?"

I laughed. "I brought my tarot cards."

"Well that was just incredibly improbable!"

"Ha. Don't you talk to me about improbability."

And so we were sitting cross-legged with our heads together, passing the cards between us, trying to think of a suitable question.

"What's wrong with … 'What's going to happen to us?'?"

"For one thing, waaay too general. That's just an infinite question waiting for infinite answers, none of which are very clear."

"Oh, well _sorry. _Aren't you so clever … I just preferred it to, 'Are we gonna die alone?'"

"That's really what you're thinking?"

"Just curious."

"We?"

"Why not?"

I shrugged in response.

Sirius shuffled the cards and looked sideways at me with a mental kind of grin. "You do realise that the cards themselves are quite general. Infinite possibilities of answers. So, if you _think _about it, asking a general question is really … reversing the ambiguity, giving us a nice-" he flicked the cards with skilled hands "-simple-" he laid the four cards out one by one with grandiloquence "-clear-specific-stark-finite-" he raised the last above his head dramatically "-ANSWER!"

He slammed the card down in the middle of the cross made by the other four.

"Well aren't you so clever …" I grumbled.

That night I learned that Sirius Black liked to do things his own way.

I had always had a bit of a problem with the cards, which I had tried to explain to him and James before. The cards were split in half all around the edge, each having a black side and a white side, and each of the sides having different words carved around them. For example, the Earth card had _Envy, Materialism, Greed _written on the white edge, and _Admiration, Wealth, Earthiness _on the black. Mostly, the words on opposite sides were, well, opposites. In the book in which I had found them, it said you could read them upside-down or right-side up. But it bugged me. By which criteria did you choose the side to use? The side that faces you when you deal them, or the side facing your partner who asked the question? Or, were there simply two opposite answers? That a certain thing would happen, or else the _exact opposite_ would happen? STUPID.

I explained this to Sirius, and he scratched his stubble in thought.

Then he came up with his own solution.

"ONE-TWO-THREE-GO!"

Instantly, I flipped over the bottom card and the card left of the middle, as Sirius flipped the two opposite cards at the same time.

"_Past_, Cold! Rest – Reserve – Bravery!"

"Coldness – Idleness – Stubbornness! _Future_, Heat! An Enemy – Instability – Regression!"

"-You must be joking!- A Friend – Evolution – Change! _People_ _involved_, Moisture! A Man or Boy – Haste – Uncertainty!"

"An Old Man – Stability – Reflection! Dryness! Desired Results – Safety – A Crowd!

"Excess – Solitude – Danger! SO. MANY. BLOODY. WORDS!" he panted, and I laughed. "And none of it means a thing to me. But hey, we forgot-" he reached out his hand for the question card, which still lay face down in the centre of the cross.

It seemed like something that would happen in a dream or in a film. But when his hand reached towards the middle card, a sudden wind blew and it slipped right through his fingers and was lifted up into the air.

We both gazed upwards, our mouths hanging open in shock, and watched the little piece of card float up on the breeze, and turn into a tiny rectangular speck, and then disappear over the side of the tower.

None of the other cards budged an inch.

"What on Earth …"

"I'm so sorry, Holly, will I go down and look for it? The wind has mysteriously stopped!"

"Don't be ridiculous-"

"But that must have taken ages to make, I'm going down-"

"Don't! It's grand, I think I still have the sketches somewhere, I can remake it!"

"Are you sure? I feel so bad, this was my idea-"

"NO! Oh my God, just calm down, you nutter!"

We were both silent for a moment.

"How improbable would you say that had to be?"

"Very, _very_ highly improbable."

"Agreed."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was some sort of sign."

I looked at him, and his face gave nothing away. "Good thing we know better."

He laughed, but it didn't sound especially natural. "What card was it?"

I checked the cards laid out on the wooden ground (Dryness, Moisture, Cold, Heat) and then hastily flicked through the ones leftover (Fire, Water and Earth.)

I racked my brain, why the hell couldn't I remem-

"Air! It was Air."

Sirius looked around and pushed his lips together. "Well, it's gone back to its element now. That also seems kind of coincidental." He met my eyes again. "What does it mean?"

What words were written on the Air card? Good question. I blinked and checked the other cards again. What was missing?

A friend- No, wait, that was Heat. They looked similar though. Oh my God, what on Earth was Air?

Eventually I just shook my head. I couldn't remember.

It was really annoying me. I frowned and rested my chin in my hand while I sat, feeling awfully disappointed. I stared at the gap where the card should have been. Stupid bloody wind. Stupid Sirius being too nice and offering to go look for it. Stupid Holly not wanting him to, but secretly wishing he'd ask again. Stupid Holly being annoyed over something so … _stupid._

"'Kay, I've got it," said Sirius, interrupting my mood spiral.

I looked at him and he had both hands on the ground, holding the cards in place even though the wind was long gone.

"Get over here!"

I raised my eyebrows at him, and he just nodded to the floorspace beside him. I shuffled myself around to the opposite side of the cards, sitting beside him a little tensely.

He extended his right arm behind him, holding himself up in his sitting position. But because I was sitting on his right side, it felt as if he was putting his arm behind me, too. Like, _around _me. There was a little nook between his body and his arm where he had chosen for me to sit, shoulder-to-shoulder with him. I looked up at him, and I realised that it was _rather _close. The little black flecks of stubble on his cheeks and neck were kind of freaking me out a little. He had a hell of a jawline, which didn't help my nerves. You could see the stubble got darker at the points where his cheeks hollowed slightly.

Christ. Stop obsessing over Sirius's bloody facial hair!

He eyes scanned my face briefly, and then he tapped the cards with the knuckles of his free hand. "I've got it," he repeated, before breaking the eye contact. He leaned forwards a little, and I had to move as well because of the closeness. "We're reading it from this side."

"Why's that?"

"Because! It's better. Makes more sense." He pointed to the top and bottom cards. "See? These are people involved, right? We've got 'a Man or Boy'. That's me!"

"But why are you 'Hasty' and 'Uncertain'?"

"Dunno, yet. It is the future after all."

"And this 'Solitude' one, I'm guessing that's me?"

"Yeah! Well, I don't mean …"

"Nah, I know what you mean. But, OK Sirius, now all we know is that our future is going to involve … us."

Sirius shrugged, and laughed. "Well, maybe … we will die alone! OK, I suppose that doesn't help. But, look! You weren't kidding about the Voldemort-card, there," he said, pointing to the Heat card, still stuck in the future position.

I nodded solemnly, then jumped up and looked at it again. "What – no! It's not the Enemy!"

Sirius glanced sideways at me uncertainly.

"No, look at it!" I exclaimed, picking it up and waving it ecstatically in front of his face. "It's upside-down!"

He plucked the card from my hand, and studied it carefully.

"A Friend, Evolution, Change," I recited from memory.

I could hardly believe it. Sirius had dealt the cards, we were reading them from his point of view, the way I always did. Yet the card had turned up the other way! Still in the same place, but for the first time in over a year, the cards hadn't prophesied the coming Great Wizarding War. No great Enemy, Instability, Regression. Just-

"By the Friend – Evolution – Change, do you think it means something changing into a friendship, or a friendship evolving into something … more?"

I blinked out of a daze, and looked up at Sirius. He glanced up from the card to meet my eyes carefully.

For moment we stared into each other's eyes, and I truly appreciated how close we were sitting together. I began to grin, and then we both burst out laughing.

"Not a chance."

"Right, hardly!"

I looked at the cards again for a minute. "Hey, look at that. People involved; _Moisture_ and _Dryness._ If that is the two of us, then we kinda balance each other out nicely, don't we?"

"We do," he agreed, with a small nod.

"And the past is _Cold;_ the future is _Heat._ That's really weird, right?" He nodded again, and rubbed his stubbly chin. "I wonder what the question card meant."

It was a long time before we realised how late it was. Even when we did realise that, it was a good while later that we actually found the motivation to get up and traipse down the stairs, to head back to our different Common Rooms.

"In any universe, would you ever feel the need to ask me how on earth I could have known that you were sitting on top of the astronomy tower tonight?" Sirius asked me, out of nowhere, at the foot of the stairs.

I met his eyes for a moment and chuckled. "I just presumed that it was either so unimportant that you wouldn't bother mentioning it, or that it's such a huge secret that you couldn't tell me anyway."

He shook his head and laughed, studying me all the time. "You are so strange."

"Isn't everyone?"

"Maybe, but you especially."

I shrugged and grinned. "'Night, Sirius."

"Goodnight, Holly," he said softly, and then there was an anti-climatic silence and we stared at each other for a moment. I got the scariest feeling that we were going to hug or something mental like that. Which I didn't do. But we just looked at each other, before shifting awkwardly and then turning around to walk away in opposite directions.

"Oh, and Holly?" I heard him call.

I stopped and turned around, rolling my eyes. "Yeah?"

He had stopped too, a few yards down the hall, his face lit up by the light of his wand. He had one hand in his pocket, and I caught a glimpse of a yellowing old piece of parchment sticking out from behind it. He grinned widely and gave me a small nod.

"Happy Christmas."

* * *

><p><em>Have concluded that however improbable it was that Sirius knew I was up on that tower, it was nothing to how improbable it was that he would (knowingly) come up to the tower himself just to come talk to me, or keep me company, or whatever his intentions were when he came up there! Because he must have come for ME. And why should he bother with me anyway? <em>

_That's not a matter of probability, or even impossibility. It's just completely mental!_


	17. The Truth, Threefold

Hi there! So yeah, I was thinking about the animal thing and I'm liking the fox! I was actually wondering about some sort of bird ... but nah, I definitely like the fox. Or a FERRET oh my God that would be awesome! Heh... Thanks to everyone who suggested stuff. Thanks for ALL the reviews! ... And no, Holly won't be an animagus, I think she'll just learn her patronus and stuff! Anyways, thanks for reading, and enjoy the chapter! Hope it's good!

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Seventeen -<strong>

**The Truth, Threefold**

The next morning, I drifted lazily into wakefulness. It was like I had slept a hundred times better than usual. The light was just right so that I could easily doze, and it was lovely and warm under the covers, like not so hot that I was sweating but not cold enough to be shivering either, and everything was just especially comfy for some reason. I was lying on my front, but my face wasn't being crushed into the pillow and my neck wasn't stiff and my chest wasn't all squished either. It was really quite lovely.

I lay there for a long time, contently thinking about absolutely nothing. It was that kind of moment you have before you fully wake up, where you've got no idea who you are, where you are, and all your problems and worries just don't exist. And none of it bothers you, because you're just this mind floating in space. Nothing can bother you. There was no world around. It was just me and my duvet, and it really was the best thing ever. Honestly.

But I guess the moment had to come where my world came back to me, and everything crashed in on top after that. Reluctantly, I shifted and looked at my watch.

Ten-thirty.

James and Sirius should be-

Hang on_, what_?

_Ten-thirty?_

I rolled onto my back, seriously confused. How could that be right? I had slept in! For the entire week, every bloody morning, I hadn't been _allowed_ to sleep in. James and Sirius had always called me before nine. Half nine if I was lucky.

Well, thank God for that. I was absolutely dying for a lie in.

… But why hadn't they come?

I frowned and stared at my pillow. This whole peaceful me-time didn't feel right. It wasn't as great as it should have been. Why weren't they here?

I sat up in bed and looked around my empty dormitory. It was actually a bit too warm, the comfortable feeling was lost. I was all alone.

At the end of my bed sat a tray with a mountain of cakes and biscuits. I scooted down the bed and looked curiously at the note tied to it, to find out that it was a present from Biddy. I smiled, and got out of bed to do my wash.

I went up to the Great Hall in my pyjamas, but still no James and Sirius. Some of the fifth years said Happy Christmas to me as I sat down, and I returned the sentiment.

_Right _… Christmas! That whole thing had almost slipped my mind, which really must say a lot about the capacity of my brain or something. So of course James and Sirius weren't around, they were probably still up in Gryffindor tower, sitting in their own armchairs, in front of their own fire. They would have presents to open, I'm sure, from their friends, and from James's family. (I thought he seemed the sort that was doted on. That would actually explain a LOT.)

So … that was that.

Eleven o'clock now, though. They could hurry up and come see me already. Taking their bloody time, they were.

I had a fry for breakfast. I would have preferred pancakes or something as a real treat, but the English or Irish breakfast (you can choose, I'm fairly certain they are entirely the same thing) was a bit of a Christmas tradition for me at least. I really hate Christmas, actually. Why should people give me presents? I don't mind buying someone a gift but personally, I don't see why I deserve one just for getting through the year.

Wow, I'm in a really bad mood this morning.

But it had nothing to do with the fact that I was lonely or anything. Obviously. Who said I was lonely anyway? I clearly was not. I don't _need _them.

I was staring into space with a piece of toast hanging from my hand when a random school owl suddenly landed beside me, and I jumped out of my skin and knocked my plate to the floor with a clatter.

There was a letter attached to the package from my mam. I stroked the owl for a bit while I read it, but I had to stop because her ramblings about stupid things that I had no interest in whatsoever made me want to strangle the bloody bird.

My neighbour and ex-best friend Sarah was applying for university next year? We were getting new carpets in the sitting room? She's having Christmas dinner with one of her customers who buys two cookies from her every friday after school for his daughters (male, unmarried, has children - don't they have so much in common, isn't it so wonderful?) And isn't it all just bloody _wonderful_?

I stopped reading as soon as she started writing that she needed (not wanted, NEEDED) to know if I was going to work in the shop over summer. So I shooed the owl away before getting up and throwing the letter in the fireplace.

I repoured my tea before leaving the Great Hall, glancing up the Grand Staircase as I went back through the door to the basement.

In the Common Room, I stopped and opened the package. It was a new record. Electric Light Orchestra. That was actually pretty cool, and I cheered up considerably. Though I knew my mother only got it because she didn't approve of the Ramones ever since she heard _Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment_ blaring from my bedroom. Also, they were American. Enough said.

I left the record with the rest while I went up to my dormitory, showered and took a lengthy amount of time just getting ready. I had nothing else to do, right? Embarrassingly enough, I actually started getting a bit panicky when I had to wonder what I was going to do without James and Sirius. Whoa whoa whoa. OK, look. I don't need them. I am perfectly capable of having a life that doesn't involve them for every second of every day. I could read. Or write something. Or draw, I hadn't done that in a while. Or I _could_ study.

… It's Christmas Day and I'm thinking of studying. I'm losing my blooming mind.

OH MY GOD I just realised it's halfway through the holidays already and I have not picked up a schoolbook ONCE! I'LL KILL THOSE DAMN MARAUDERS!

I traipsed back through the Common Room, and it hit me just how pathetic the place looked when it was empty. And even though James and Sirius clashed horribly with anything Hufflepuff, I still liked the room better when they were in it.

Wow, I'm really pathetic now. I slapped myself hard in the face. Snap out of it, Holly!

Then I spun around, because I thought I had just heard someone sniggering in the corner. But, no, the room was empty. And I was _literally _just losing it completely. Great.

Though I did make a list of the mysterious and highly suspicious behaviour patterns of the Marauders. This seemed sort of fitting in that sense, so what if …? No.

No. You're alone, and there's nothing going on.

I stood still for a moment, pouted and looked around the room boredly, and began nodding my head to the music.

_Mister Blue, you did it right  
>But soon comes Mister Night, creepin' over<br>Now his hand is on your shoulder  
>Never mind, I'll remember you this -<br>I'll remember you this way_

_Mister Blue Sky, please tell us why_  
><em>You had to hide away for so long, so long …<em>  
><em>Where did we go wrong?<em>

_Hey there Mister Blue  
>We're so pleased to be with you<br>Look around, see what you do  
>Everybody smiles at you<em>

Wait, WHAT MUSIC?

I gulped, and stole a glance at the gramophone, where a record was spinning, teasing me. The slip of my brand new record lay strewn on the table beside it.

I DID NOT DO THAT.

"Sirius?" I called, a little irked. I looked all around, but there was no sign of anything. "Ja-" I stopped and inhaled deeply. I ran my hand through my hair. "I'm losing it. I really am …" I mumbled. " And now I would appear to be talking to myself. Fantastic."

I sighed loudly. I noticed my sketchbook lying on the arm of the couch nearest to the fire. I took it up, ripped out a chosen page and scrawled a note on the back of it.

I left the Common Room (not before turning off the blasted record), and headed to the kitchens to thank Biddy for the cakes and to give her the drawing as a sort of gift. (It was actually a sketch of her, that I had asked her to model for ages ago, something I almost regretted at the time for the amount of convincing it took to get her to do it. I'm sorry, but I had nothing to draw, and she's sort of interesting looking, and she was _there_, OK? But anyway, I hoped it was at least a little thoughtful, as mundane Christmas presents go.) Then I went for a walk around the grounds.

It just kept getting later and later, and there was still no sign of James and Sirius. I went to the Owlery and scribbled another note to my mam, describing in stunning detail what I had eaten for breakfast because it seemed important at the time. About as important as the things she wrote in her letters. And I wished her a Happy Christmas and thanked her gratefully (genuinely, don't get me wrong) for the record.

Which brought me back to thinking about James and Sirius. But I had seen Sirius himself only hours ago, on the Astronomy Tower, and things had been fine! I thought they were, anyway! Did I do something wrong? Why hadn't they even come just to say hi and share a generic wish for happiness just because it was Christmas?

I can't understand it. They should have come to see me by now. And I'm not being self-centered, I swear; and this is my reasoning! You see, when James and Sirius saw the snow out of the windows of Gryffindor Tower, what was the very first thing they did? They came to wake me up. They could have gone out themselves, and saved a lot of time, and then I could have joined them outside at whatever time I got up. But, no. They came to get me so that we could all enjoy it together.

So what was different about Christmas?

And I know it's crazy, but they have some weird and improbable and mysterious ways of knowing my exact whereabouts all the time. I'm convinced they do.

I actually wished that I had some way of knowing where _they_ were right now. That would be useful. Did wizards ever invent tracking devices? Or like a computer-type thing that could find your location and show you as a flashing green light on a map, like they had in those war films for missiles and things! How cool would that be? Invasion of privacy, sure, but still cool.

I craned my neck to look into the Great Hall again as I passed it, but no luck. A couple of Slytherins were walking in, and I said Happy Christmas to them. One of them smiled sort of oddly and said it back, but the other just stared blankly at me.

I heard the music again while I was crawling through the barrel hole of the Common Room. I tumbled out in a rush and stormed over to the player to turn it off for the last time, swearing fluently under my breath without stopping for air.

I couldn't handle this anymore! It was them, I knew it was, and they were testing me! The same way that Sirius tested me on the night of Slughorn's party. They were pushing me to the brink of madness, driving me insane until I just had to crack and ask them what the bloody hell was going on – but I didn't want to ask them! I didn't want to know! It wasn't my business, but they were _forcing _me to make it my business, and I couldn't do this any-

My breathing was forcibly steady when I looked at the table where the record player sat, to see what appeared to be all the records from the cupboard stacked up high on one side, and a couple of large jugs of pumpkin juice and paper cups on the other.

I blinked at the drinks, because the image didn't seem to want to transfer information to my brain. They were just there. Jugs. And I couldn't possible understand what they meant at all.

I had been so busy cursing my way across the room that I hadn't been paying attention to the rest of it, so now I revolved slowly on the spot and stared around in a state of mental shock.

Every inch of surface was covered in piles and piles of food. On the armchairs, the coffee table, all the little shelves and cupboards that lined the walls. Everywhere. And every sort of sweets I could imagine. It looked like Honeydukes and set up a tiny chain store right there in the Hufflepuff Basement. As well as the chocolates and stacks of sweet boxes, there was a wooden crate of butterbeer, and another of wizard crackers.

I held my hand to my forehead, just lost for words, and lost for pretty much everything else too. There was a box of Liquorice Snaps on the edge of the coffee table which seemed to be calling for me, so I obliged to it and went over, picking one up and popping it into my mouth.

Have I gone mad? Honestly? The room was empty, the doors were shut, and the windows weren't even real, just the sort that showed daffodils and grass all year round since we were in the middle of the basement. So the room was empty, with no way in. And then I heard a sort of swooshing sound, like the sound of a cloak or something, and I looked up and slowly turned around again.

And there stood the boys themselves. By the door, where there had only been empty space just seconds before. Grinning at me, being all improbable and annoying. I despised them, I really did.

They threw out their arms theatrically.

"HAPPY CHRISTMAS!"

I found myself trying not to smile too much but it was very hard, because sadly I was extremely happy to see them. "Happy Christmas," I chuckled.

James came over and hugged me, squeezing my shoulders tightly. I patted him awkwardly on the back and looked past him at Sirius who was laughing at me, his eyes smiling. I smiled shyly back. I don't know why I felt shy, exactly, but there was something about the whole scene that was giving me centre-of-attention kind of chills. When James let go of me, Sirius stood in front of me, and I _really _thought he'd hug me this time. But he just shook his head sheepishly and slapped me on the arm in a friendly sort of way.

I laughed a little nervously, and said, "Jesus, I didn't even get anything for you two!" I glanced around at all the party food.

Sirius barked his laugh. "Ah, this? It's as much for us as it is for you." He picked up the nearest cauldron cake and took a bite.

"I hope yous paid for this lot, you Marauders you!"

"You are _such_ a Hufflepuff-"

Sirius was interrupted when James cleared his throat loudly, glaring pointedly at him. Sirius pressed his lips together and cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Enough mucking about!" James declared in a loud voice. "We have some serious business to attend to!"

I picked up the box of sweets, rolling my eyes. "And what's that?"

James pointed at me, grinning. "Your Christmas present. From us."

"What? Oh for God's sake guys, don't do this!"

Sirius laughed bemusedly. "Well, that's an odd sort of way to thank us."

"Sorry! I mean, you've already done all this, and I haven't got anything for either of you!"

James shushed my protests impatiently, and stepped forward to take my hand in his own. I went quiet, and gave him a mock-dirty look, trying to get my hand back. "Just shut up, Holly. All right? No funny business." He raised his eyebrows at me.

I shrugged. "Sure?"

He took a deep breath and stepped back again, letting go of my hand. He and Sirius exchanged a look.

"You wanna do it?"

"No. You go ahead, mate."

"You're sure?"

"'Course. You know you want to."

James looked back at me, and took a deep breath. He met my eyes with a wide grin. "Holly … we love you." I choked on the liquorice in my mouth, swallowed hastily and raised my eyebrows at him. He laughed. "OK, so _I_ think one of us might love you in a _slightly_ different way to the other-"

"Hang on, what?"

"He's slagging us," Sirius explained quickly. "Ignore it."

James made to hit Sirius but he dodged it. He gave him the evils before turning back to me with a roll of his eyes. "What I mean is, you're a great friend to us, Holly. You're amazing, you're always there for us, you help us out like all the time and never ask for anything in return and never even want to be thanked. And you never ask us for anything at all. Not even …" He sighed and exchanged another look with Sirius.

Sirius looked at me and wet his lips. "You're always honest with us. But the truth is … there's sort of a few things we've been keeping from you. Things you really ought to know."

"I never would have guessed it," I laughed, but James glared warningly at me and I went quiet again.

"So this is your Christmas present, our dear friend," James announced, holding his arms out wide. "The truth."

"No," I blurted out.

They both stopped and stared at me.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I don't want the truth. You don't need to explain yourselves to me! I'm not even-"

I stopped and breathed.

James fixed his glasses and wrinkled his brow. "I just don't get it. Padfoot, mate, you understand her best …"

Sirius chewed his tongue thoughtfully and turned from James to look at me. I was a little terrified. He met my eyes, and I couldn't read his expression. "I don't know," he said, scratching his neck. "I don't know how we're supposed to convince you that we really care about you or whatever." Oh shit, he knew me too well. "But, Holly, you're like … Outside of the Marauders, you're the closest friend we've got. And we really do care about you."

There was something about he way he said it, or the fact that it was _Sirius _saying it, but I just stared at him. I was shaking a little. Eventually, I ran a hand through my hair, and sighed, "Fine then. If you must."

James gave me a certain look. "So you'll listen to _him,"_ he mumbled. Sirius cleared his throat noisily. "Right, anyway!" James said hastily. "The truth is threefold!"

I nodded. I was getting a bit curious now. Very curious, actually, but equally anxious.

"And it took us a long time to decide in which order we should reveal them to you, but eventually Sirius insisted on this way …" There was a slight edge in James's voice at the last comment.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's in chronological order," he told me. "And also happens to be in order of _impressiveness,_ too."

"Mm 'kay," I said.

"I don't agree with that," James argued. "But he overruled me." He gave me a sly wink and cocked his head briefly in Sirius's direction.

OK, I'm getting the feeling that James had SOME SORT of NOTION in his head about Sirius and me. And that could get really annoying. But for now it was harmless, mostly, so I decided to ignore it.

"You might want to sit down for this," James suggested with a smirk. I looked around and half-sat down on the arm of the nearest couch.

Sirius folded his arms, and we both looked to James expectantly. Waiting. You could tell he was absolutely loving this.

"Right. Truth Number One. Even though I happen to believe that this one should really be saved for the grand finale – but I've been overruled." I found myself laughing as he waved a dismissive hand in Sirius's direction. James continued on slowly, with a new-found hushed tone. "This, sweet Holly, is the secret to our success. This is how the Marauders began."

James took a moment to grin at me, as my heartbeat quickened excitedly. Then he reached behind his back, and produced -

A cloak?

I shifted in my seat and blinked at the old cloak that he was holding up in his hands with reverence.

"A cloak?" I asked after a moment.

"A cloak, she says!" he yelled in outrage. He continued on in a mysterious whisper. "This is not just any cloak. You never even asked how we managed to – as it seems – appear out of thin air just now."

"To be honest I just sort of go with it," I said calmly, but my voice was a little breathy as I looked at the cloak. An idea had just hit me. But I didn't want to even think it, because that was mental, it couldn't be -

And then James threw the cloak over himself with a flourish, and he was gone.

Disappeared into thin air.

"Oh my _GOD!"_

I was on my feet, tripping over the rug and rushing forward to the spot where he had been standing. There was nothing, I could see the gramophone which had been just behind him before, blocked from my view. Now it was visible, but no James. I reached my hand out, and -

"Over here!" came his voice, from behind me.

I spun around and searched the room with my eyes in wonder, but it was completely empty but for me and Sirius. Or so it _appeared_, anyway.

And then there was a flash of colour and James's head appeared. Just his head, and the rest of his body was completely invisible. I could see the fireplace _through_ him.

"That's …" I started, but never got anything else out. I slowly approached the floating, grinning head, and reached out my hand for his shoulder. My hand brushed up against him, and I could feel him there where there should have been only air. I grabbed a handful of the cloak and pulled it off him, and there he was again. I ogled at the fully visible cloak that was now hanging from my hand.

"_Invisibility cloak_," I breathed.

"My dad's," he explained, straightening himself up proudly. "It belonged to my great great great …" He paused a moment and fixed his glasses. "Er, ancestor."

I blew the air out of my cheeks. "Are you serious? That old?" He nodded. "Well that's not just any charmed cloak then, is it! What is it, Tebo hide? Demiguise hair?"

James blinked at me. "Er, I actually have no idea."

"Oh," I said. I handed him back the cloak. "That's pretty amazing though."

"See? She'll find the other secrets so unimpressive compared to this!" James whined at Sirius.

"She won't." Sirius smirked, and approached James to take the cloak from his hands. "Anyway, we had just started our first year at Hogwarts when it all started. I had made friends with this specky-eyed twat," he easily dodged James's punch, "plus Remus and Peter. But after a few weeks of sharing a dormitory with them, I started to notice that _someone_ was mysteriously disappearing from his bed most nights … So I decided to gather the others and we stayed up to find out what was going on."

James made a guilty face and rumpled his hair. "Nosy git. But that's pretty much how the Marauders came to be. We could go anywhere we liked in the castle, whenever we wanted … And that's exactly what we did."

I thought of the mysterious bodiless footsteps in the dungeons. Demystified. Then I actually began to think about the fact that they had access to my dorm. Boys capable of invisibility had access to my _dorm. _Before I could freak out too much about it, James was speaking again.

"Which leads us nicely to Truth Number Two! This one hardly needs an introduction," he bragged arrogantly. "It just displays our genius and the fact that we are generally amazing in every way." Sirius was grinning, and James nodded to him. "Sirius. Whenever you're ready."

I looked at Sirius, and he took a moment to flick his dark hair out of his eyes. He grinned at me. And then, as I was looking at his face, my smile faltered and fell. His face was changing. THE BOY'S FACE WAS CHANGING. And then he was shrinking right in front of my eyes, and his black hair was growing and spreading all over his body until it covered his clothes and they couldn't be distinguished from the hair - or _fur_ - anymore, and he dropped down onto all fours, his hands and feet now paws. And his face was no longer his face. His body was no longer a human body.

I caught a quick glimpse of him just after the mutation stopped; A massive black dog.

A dog.

Yeah, there was a DOG standing in the place Sirius had been just two seconds before.

I'll repeat that.

A DOG.

I hardly got a chance to come to terms with the fact that _I had just seen Sirius turn into a humungous dog right in front of my eyes, _before he barked loudly with the exact noise Sirius made when he laughed (except a little more, er, dog-like) and bounded forward energetically to jump on me, knocking me right to the ground.

I yelled as I hit the floor, and gasped. Then I burst out laughing as the dog began licking my face. I scrabbled at him, trying to push him back from me, and felt his soft and sleek and lush fur running through my fingertips. He stopped licking my face for a moment and his grey eyes met with mine.

"Padfoot?" I breathed. He barked loudly and I laughed again, completely lost for words.

Then I blinked and the dog's body had suddenly morphed back into the boy's body, crushing me a little.

Sirius rolled off me and sat up hastily, turning to me and panting. "Sorry about that. Dog emotions are a bit, er, hard to control." He laughed, and then gulped slightly. "Did you just call me Padfoot?"

"Well, yeah, Padfoot!" I exclaimed, motioning at his hands and feet. "Sirius – Padfoot – Dog-star – Grim!" I shook my head in shock and ran both hands through my hair. "You're an _Animagus_!"

He grinned at me.

"YOU'RE AN ANIMAGUS!" I bellowed. "Wow! That's just … Wow, guys. That's impressive."

"Told you," Sirius sneered at James.

James pouted, playing with the invisibility cloak in his hands.

"So, yourself too?" I asked him.

He looked up at me in surprise. "Yeah! Me too!"

"Well?"

He scratched his nose and ginned sheepishly. "I'm a little … big. I don't want to break something."

"Well, what are you? Prongs?" I tried to think, but my mind could only picture the big black dog. Sirius could turn into a dog. Sirius. Dog. That was so _typical. _But what the hell was a prong?

"I'm a stag."

I exhaled in wonder, then laughed. "Ha ha. _Prongs_ … So, Lupin and Pettigrew too?"

They shared a concerned look and simultaneously said, "Yes."

I shook my head. "That really is something else. It's incredible. I knew yous were brilliant, but _that_ is really spectacular. Genius."

"Well, we certainly think so," James said.

"Just … why, though?"

Sirius and I were still sitting on the floor, and he shifted a little, glaring at James. James began playing with his hair. "Well, that's sort of …"

"Not our secret to tell," Sirius said, almost growling. He looked at me. "Sorry, Holly. We'd like to tell you, we really would."

"THERE IS NO REASON, WHY DO WE NEED A REASON ANYWAY! WE JUST WANTED TO BE ANIMALS BECAUSE IT'S COOL THERE'S NO OTHER REASON!" James shouted.

I raised my eyebrows at him. His eyes widened and he ruffled his hair some more. "All right. It's fine. You've already told me, like, _too much_, I think." I covered my mouth with my hand. I still couldn't understand why they wanted to tell me this stuff. Sure, maybe they were fond of me, and I was fond of them too, but these seemed like their deepest darkest secrets.

THEY WERE ANIMAGI FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

"Which brings us to Truth Number Three," said Sirius coolly.

"The grand finale. Apparently," James muttered.

Sirius shot him a look, and then stood up, offering me a hand to help me up too. I sat back down on the arm of the couch. Sirius moved across the room to stand side-by-side with James. They looked at each other, and nodded.

"So, as the story goes, we had an invisibility cloak. And now we could turn into animals at will. We could literally go wherever we wanted to go, do whatever we wanted to do. And we could never ever get caught. We were unstoppable. And you can't even imagine how much of this castle you can discover at night, on four legs, with no risk of getting in trouble."

I nodded, still a little dumbfounded, but listening intently nonetheless.

Sirius stopped his spiel for a moment. He looked at James again, and James grinned widely.

"So …" Sirius continued. "We didn't put all those prospects and opportunities and freedoms to waste. Out of all that … came _this._"

My heart was beating fast in my chest. Could it be-? I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I had this super strong feeling that this could be it. This could be my final mystery.

And Sirius reached into the pocket of his trousers, and drew out a large, folded up piece of old parchment, with a ringed tea stain on the back.

I stared at it, my eyes all crazy-wide and refusing to blink. I glanced at Sirius's face, and he smiled at me. He offered the parchment to me.

I stood up again and went over, taking it from him with shaking hands. I didn't know why I was so nervous, but this had to be something really really cool, you know? Truth Number Three. Chronologically last and most impressive.

I looked at the weathered paper in my hands. "Old piece of parchment," I sighed, opening it up, flipping it over, and folding it up again. "Blank. So what's your secret, eh?" I asked it.

I glanced up at the Marauders. James was smiling. Sirius looked slightly eager, watching me closely.

I clucked my tongue, thinking, then I spun around to look for my wand. It was discarded on the floor by the fire from last night. I grabbed it and tapped it on the parchment. "_Revelio_." Nothing. "_Specialis Revelio_." I stared at the parchment, and shook my head with a wry smile. "I, Holly Comstock – Hufflepuff – er, close friend of the Marauders – well, of two of them sort of – would like to … ask you to reveal your secrets. With the permission of James Potter and Sirius Black."

I had actually been kidding, but before I had even finished words began to scrawl across the page as if being written by an invisible hand. My heart stopped, but my eyes widened and followed the words excitedly.

"_Mr Moony wishes to express his compliments to Holly Comstock, and implores her not to be such a busy-body and to mind her own business, thank you very much."_

What the-?

"_Mr Wormtail agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that she'll never be let in on the secret if she continues speaking like such a polite twat."_

I made an indignant noise, but the words were still flying across the page in front of my eyes.

"_Mr Padfoot would like to advise Holly Comstock to come back when she's grown a couple of inches."_

"Oi!" I exclaimed, glaring at Sirius, but had to keep my attention on the parchment as the last message appeared.

"_Mr Prongs wishes Holly Comstock better luck next time, and would also like to let her know that she looks exceptionally pretty today."_

I blinked at the parchment where the messages were still shining. I furrowed my brow as I looked back up at the pair of boys, who were wearing poorly-concealed grins.

"Sorry about that, it's protocol," Sirius sniggered.

"That was a good one," said James, elbowing Sirius. They both laughed and I scowled.

"I hope that's not all it does," I said loudly, and went back to examining the messages. Mr Wormtail's one stood out to me most. So I couldn't get in by being polite? I had a weird feeling that that wasn't just another of the slurs, but that it might be some sort of hint. How might I gain the trust of the Marauders inside the paper? I racked my brain. What would the Marauders want to hear, above all else?

"Swear I'm up to no good," I laughed, tapping the paper again.

The messages were wiped, and after a short pause two new words appeared.

"_Solemnly swear?"_

"Solemnly swear? Oh! – Yeah, yeah, I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!"

And then I gasped.

From the point of my wand, thin lines of ink spread out in all directions, crossing over and coming together and separating out into each corner of the parchment, building up a labyrinth of lines with bends and twists and spirals and words. And then, across the top, in a great curly banner of green ink, appeared the message:

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers

are proud to present

THE MARAUDER'S MAP

"The Marauder's Ma-" I began, and then gasped all over again.

_It was a map! T_he bloody thing was a map! My eyes ran all over the parchment, all the lines suddenly making sense as they displayed the entire castle, from the longest hallways and the spiral staircases up to each of the towers, to all the tiny passages and courtyards and classrooms and the grounds; the floors collapsing upon themselves through the folds in the parchment. It was truly beautiful. And then there were the dots, which made my lungs decide to stop letting the carbon dioxide escape from my body from the shock. There weren't many of these dots, just a couple in the Great Hall, some more roaming the grounds and others in the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor towers, the Slytherin dungeon, the staff room … and exactly three in the Hufflepuff basement.

I stared at the three dots, underneath which were written in minuscule writing, _James Potter, Sirius Black, _and _Holly Comstock._

I breathed deeply, lost for words.

"You guys …" I said simply.

Well, that explained my tracking-device theory.

And that was how Sirius knew I was up on the Astronomy Tower last night – he had simply been looking at his map and saw me! OK, so it didn't explain why he felt the need to join me, but … Back to this map.

I looked up at the two of them, and shook my head in amazement.

"I love the way you look at us like we're the best thing in town," James said, grinning.

"You really are, though," I breathed. "How on Earth did you even make this?" Because they _did _make it. It was the _Marauder's _Map.

"Something called magic. You might have heard of it."

I clutched the map close to my face, watching the little dot marked _Holly Comstock _inch around on the parchment as I took a walk around the circumference of the Common Room.

"This is … It's just … I don't have words." I sighed and looked in awe at the two of them again. I felt like I was going to cry, which was really crazy, I know, but it was a really beautiful map as well as being TOTALLY AWESOME.

"I just can't believe you think that map is more impressive than an actual real-life cloak of invisibility, or your friends being bloody _Animagi_," James exclaimed.

"But it is, though. This is like the two of those combined!" I sank into the nearest armchair, holding the map to my eyes and scanning the pages, tracing all the familiar passages with my finger, and discovering ones I had never seen before with excitement. "This is the product of all that. You can do _anything_ with this."

"I knew you'd appreciate it," said Sirius. Our eyes met, and he beamed at me. I laughed, my voice all high-pitched and crazy-sounding.

"I love you two. I really do." Again with the manic laughter. I really needed to sort that out! "Sorry, I'm acting like a mentaller! I'm just so – Wow – this is just so – Wow." I took a few deep, steadying breaths. "OK, sorry, but would you mind if I just … took about ten minutes to just _look _at this? And then I'll give it right back. I just think it's stunning."

"You've got a map of every passage and person in Hogwarts, and you're seriously admiring the artistry of the thing?"

"It's beautiful," I said simply.

Sirius was laughing, and looking at me in a funny way. "Oh … actually, that's something we forgot to mention."

"Oh yeah!" agreed James. "The truth was threefold, but your actual gift is four … _fold._" He made a face, as if wondering if that was a real word. Fourfold. Yeah, I'm sure that's a word! Maybe.

"Er, yeah,"said Sirius, laughing a little at James's 'deep thought' face. "We were talking it over and we decided that it would be all right if … we lent you that. For a bit."

I gaped at him. "What, this?" I asked, holding up the map.

"Yeah," he replied dubiously.

"No!" I exclaimed.

"OH MY GOSH JUST TAKE THE BLOODY THING!" James yelled impatiently.

"But I can't just take it!"

Sirius sighed in exasperation and chuckled. "Holly, we hardly even need it anymore. We obviously know it off by heart, and we've still got the cloak. And we can turn into _animals._ And you're only borrowing it! Just take the bloody thing!"

I held my face in my hands and stared at them. Admitting defeat, I got up silently and went over to pull them both into a group hug. Group hugs weren't so bad. And it only lasted like two seconds anyway. We all just patted each other's backs and then I stood back and shook my head at them, lost for words, and returned to my armchair to study the map some more.

But I had to stop when the party started, and we all pulled crackers and put on the ridiculous hats (a black top hat which looked insanely suitable on Sirius's head, a cone shaped dunce's cap for James and a wide-brimmed straw sun hat for myself) and then we ate and drank and were merry. And it was indeed the merriest Christmas feast I had eaten in, probably, my entire life.

I loved them, too. I really did.

* * *

><p>I never had to go another morning wondering why I had been abandoned, because they simply just never left me alone. Bit annoying, really.<p>

And on New Year's Eve I returned to the basement after dinner and watched the two of them on the map as they headed back to Gryffindor Tower. They did that everyday, just in case someone ever happened to notice that they were going down to the basement more often than not. I never kept the map out of my sight for too long, but then I got distracted for a bit.

After a while I started to think that they were taking a bit longer than usual, and I was thinking, _Oh my God, the bastards are abandoning me again!_

But then they showed up twenty minutes later with a bottle of firewhiskey and another of champagne so that we could toast to 1977 and welcome 1978 in style.

I really, _really _loved those boys.


	18. Dream

****Oh my God, I know it's too late for some but I AM SO TERRIBLY SORRY for the Narnia spoiler in this chapter. I literally never would have thought anyone would happen to be reading the Last Battle while also reading this story ... it just didn't enter my head that that would possibly happen ever. So I am sorry. Anonymous, I hope you are not too pissed. I'm so sorry. I know you used all caps so you were clearly very angry. And no, it's not hard to say SPOILER ALERT. So here, I'll say it now.

NARNIA SPOILER ALERT! I don't know how you might avoid it, but it's there. And I'm sorry if I'm too late and it has already been ruined for you. I truly am.

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Eighteen -<strong>

**Dream**

_OK, so I'm standing in this room. It's fairly big – like a broomstick cupboard. My vision is kind of weird. My head's all fuzzy … I can't really describe it. It's like scrying. Like the way things come to you when looking in a crystal ball – you only see pictures, random images thrown together but they seem to make sense to you in complex ways. You don't even need the full picture, you don't need to see every detail for the story to tell itself to you._

_It IS a broomstick cupboard – one I had been in before. And I just know the back wall is completely lined with shelves, and the wall to the side with loads of little tables. But the tables and shelves are all empty._

_There's a coffee table too; in the middle of the room. And I already know the books on it, somehow; one is a little black notebook – the diary; another is 'Waiting For Godot', the Beckett play I had given to Sirius ages ago; and the third is 'The Last Battle' by C.S. Lewis, the final in the Chronicles of Narnia series._

_And now I'm thinking about Sirius. Had he finished the seven books yet?_

_More importantly, where is Sirius? For some reason, I feel like he should be here with me._

_Then I look up and he's right there, like I just hadn't noticed him standing in front of me this whole time._

_His words were all detached and coming in patches. Stuff like "You gotta go!" and "No, no, I can take care of it!" He was holding me by my two arms and shaking me, his voice all low and urgent. "Leave it, Prongs, you just need to get out of here while I take her to the Hospital Wing-"_

_I'm kind of ignoring him because he's not really making sense. And did he just call me Prongs?_

_And now James is here! Or was he here this whole time? But he's over in the corner, and I can just catch a few of his words, all like "She'll be all right, mate!" and "Can't we just try something ourselves?"_

_And Sirius is shouting. "I'm not taking that chance, you bloody idiot!" or something._

_And James whizzes by on a broomstick, and the door of the cupboard slams shut behind him. We are trapped now. But at least we're still together._

_Sirius is swearing and saying more things that don't make sense to me._

_I'm beginning to wonder … Where the hell am I?_

_At some point I'm looking at the coffee table with the stack of three little books, and it suddenly hits me that the pile is growing. All the books that I have shoved underneath my bed are piling up on the table, and the floor is filling up too – hundreds of books. I can see all the Divination books that had occupied the shelves in the broomstick cupboard, and what looks like all the books in the whole library, in towers growing higher and higher, but they're not stable – they're going to fall –_

_And now I realise why Sirius is pulling at my hand, calling out to me in a voice so scared, so desperate, and begging for me to just wake up …_

… _Wake up?_

_I can feel his hand pulling at mine, but I can't move. I'm totally frozen, but the books are still growing and growing, and they're going to fall and crush us, and Sirius's voice is so worried and fearful and I can't bear to leave him here._

_But I can't breath or even whisper to him. I need to comfort him. He needn't worry about us. We're trapped, yes, but I happen to know that everything will be all right. I'm not scared. I'm a little tired, actually. So tired … I don't want to leave Sirius in this mess, all alone, but I'm just so darn sleepy, can't seem to keep my eyes open …_

* * *

><p>I floated gently on the brink of consciousness.<p>

There was a major dullish ache in my head, just above my brow. I screwed my eyes shut tighter. Everything felt sort of … heavy. Eyelids. Body. Blankets. Air.

The light was wrong. Too pure, too white, I think. My room had bright yellow rays constantly coming in from the fake windows. The duvet felt wrong too. Too tight.

And there were these footsteps. Tense, tapping shoes on hard floor. Ruffling sheets. Clinking metal.

I began to wonder … where the hell was I?

My question was actually answered pretty quickly; just a moment later when I heard a door bang open somewhere and more, louder footsteps entered, echoing across the large room.

"Mr Black – Mr Potter, I have _told_ you before-!"

"'Scuse me, Ma'am, but what harm can we _possibly_ be doing?"

Sirius's annoyed voice made me smile a little on the inside.

"That's exactly what I've been asking myself for _three days_ …" came the irritable reply. Madam Pomfrey? So I was in the Hospital Wing?

Chair legs scraped the floor beside my bed. Sitting. A sigh.

"As I have already told you two, we will let you know when she awakes, but for now I really must insist-"

There was a pause full of tense silence. Then the terse footsteps tutted disapprovingly and crossed the room. A door slammed.

"What a right old wagon."

I took that to mean Pomfrey had officially left the room. And suddenly my eyelids didn't feel so heavy; so I opened them.

I blinked at the ceiling and then lifted my head a little to look to the side of the bed, where James and Sirius were sitting in their little plastic chairs. James was closest to me, but he was turned away from me because they were looking at each other. And then Sirius glanced at me, and looked away for a moment, and then looked back and jumped up with a disgruntled yell.

James spun around and also gave a cry of shock when he saw me. Overreaction much?

I sat up immediately, feeling somehow disadvantaged being all lying down, at a probably not very good angle for seeing up noses and multiple chins and stuff. The bedsheets were so tightly tucked around me that it actually took me a moment to rip them out and get unwrapped.

I adjusted myself and sat up in the cot in the Hospital Wing. Then I reluctantly turned to the two blokes who were staring it out of me.

And we all looked around at one another for a moment. Then I went ahead and cleared my throat before asking, "… What happened?"

They sort of shared a glance without actually looking at each other. I found that I couldn't stop a small grin pulling at the sides of my mouth, and by the look of Sirius, he was having the same problem.

He coughed a little, and said in a low voice, "Alcohol poisoning."

We stared at each other for a full minute or two. I inhaled sharply and held my breath, turning my eyes to the end of the bed. Then it sank in, and after a short pause, I burst out laughing.

At precisely the same moment, Sirius exploding into his lovely bark-like guffaws.

James goggled at us. "How on Earth is that funny?"

I bent over, clutching my spinning head. "That's disgraceful," I hiccuped. "Absolutely mortifying! I didn't even drink that much!"

I mean, I _could_ actually remember everything fairly precisely. The last thing I can think of was James moaning away to his heart's content about Lily, and then Sirius and I breaking into a truly incredible, in-depth conversation about why marriage and love are generally ridiculous, redundant and totally unnecessary. And I felt so content with everything at that moment that I had closed my eyes …

And then I was in the broom cupboard …

And then I was _dreaming. _Ah. Makes sense.

"Vodka my arse," teased Sirius.

James sat up and fixed his glasses with a deep scowl. "I don't see what's remotely funny about this situation. You got _poisoned."_

Then I had an epiphany. "I'm an alcoholic. I got alcohol poisoning," I realised aloud.

"Look, at her," Sirius said, laughing freely. "She's fine!"

James sat up a little and turned angrily to his friend. "Right, so all that bloody worrying was for nothing, eh? Is that the hilarious part, Sirius? 'Cause you weren't laughing before when you were moping around the place in depression – 'It's all our fault, James! We hurt her, James! I don't know what's wrong with me! I miss her, why won't she wake up?' But all right, I get it now, mate! IT'S BLOODY COMICAL!"

Sirius stopped laughing and stared at James for a moment. "I never said that," he replied coolly.

"You are so thick sometimes. It's obvious-"

"ANYONE got the time?" I asked quickly.

Sirius pulled out his pocket watch. "Half eight."

I opened my mouth. Ohhhh so early. I yawned and stretched indulgently. "Mm, wonder if I'm sick enough to miss the first day back," I laughed.

Sirius stared at me, while James let a quick burst of laughter and immediately stopped himself. "Er, Holly?" They exchanged a look. "It's Tuesday," they said gently.

"NO?" I shot back. I blinked. "_What_?"

They exchanged a concerned look, but said nothing.

"No," I said, laughing a little. "You have to be joking, you see … because New Year's Day was _Sunday._"

Sirius ran a hand down his face. "Oh dear, she's taking this badly."

"Holly, you were, er … kinda unconscious. For two days."

I laughed again, but my amusement quickly turned to panic when I saw that their faces were dead serious. They weren't joking. "I – but – that … _how does something like that even happen_?" I shrieked.

Sirius, looking worried, quickly answered, "We don't know! Pomfrey couldn't even figure it out!"

Just then the door banged back open, and Madam Pomfrey came marching in, clearly being aroused by the loud voices.

"Bless the girl, she's awake!"

"What you're saying is … I've already missed a day of classes," I got out in a slow, quiet voice. I stared at the end of the bed.

Then Pomfrey began fussing, fixing back my bedclothes, grabbing my face and lifting my eyelids to check the dilation of my pupils or whatever. I drew back, my mouth opening and closing frantically. I shifted away from her in the bed.

"Madam Pomfrey! I'm so sorry, I've been such a nuisance!" I exclaimed emotionally. "Thank you and all, but I'm really fine now. Really. I have to go-"

I jumped out of the bed and took a few steps and swayed, feeling my eyes haze over as my head spun. I lurched to side, but was steadied by Sirius as he stood up artlessly to catch me. I patted his arm hastily, as Pomfrey strode around the bed to stop me from getting away.

"That won't be necessary, dear-"

"Oh, oh, it's necessary. I need to get to class."

"Miss Comstock, you won't be expected in your classes today! You're not well-"

"But I feel fine! I'm so well rested! I have to go get my books and change and-"

"You just need to rest-"

"I slept for two days – how much more rest can I possibly need?"

She didn't say anything, but pursed her lips, and stood in the way of the door. I realised that Sirius was still holding me, and he muttered wryly in my ear, "I think you might be delirious."

I glared at him, unsmiling. "I'm after missing a day already. I'm already behind! And I did nothing over Christmas – _literally_ nothing – I can't afford to miss any more, especially in NEWT year …"

I looked at Madam Pomfrey. "I really must insist you get back into bed, Miss Comstock."

I clenched my fists, and looked around at James – who seemed to think this was some sort of joke – and back to Sirius, who was studying me curiously me with his penetrating stare. I didn't know what the bloody hell he found so interesting.

I glared at him some more, fuming. "Fine."

I got back into bed, bit my teeth together and stared at the wall. Madam Pomfrey was wise to make herself scarce.

And Sirius was still scrutinising me with an odd sort of look. "_What_?" I snapped. Immediately I regretted the venom evident in my voice. I bit back my tongue and took a few deep breaths.

Sirius blinked and then smiled a little. "Oh, nothing. I just thought that you were being stubborn there for a moment – like proper stubborn, not teasingly stubborn like you usually are." He smirked and wrinkled his nose at me. "But then you just went back to being a complete pushover."

I was surprised at how much that hit me. I wasn't even remotely angry now, and I deflated a little and lowered my eyes with a small pout.

When I looked back up again, Sirius was smirking maliciously and James was looking at both of us in turn, seeming a little baffled.

"So … we should probably get going. Defence first."

Sirius nodded, and I tried to at least pretend to feel friendly in order to wish them a cheerful goodbye.

"We'll get you some homework if you like," James offered with a wink, as they walked backwards towards the door.

I smiled with genuine appreciation. "Please."

"And we'll come visit you again later," Sirius promised.

At the door they turned and James opened it.

"Oh, Sirius?" I called sweetly.

He turned back to look at me, and there was something in his expectant face that made my stomach lurch guiltily. But I'm a pushover, am I? I thought about what James had said earlier, slagging Sirius off about me. _'So all that bloody worrying was for nothing, eh? … 'It's all our fault, James! We hurt her, James! … I miss her, why won't she wake up?''_

But instead, I ignored the guilt and said in the most innocent voice I could possibly muster, "It wasn't your fault, Sirius. I hope you weren't _too_worried about little old me …"

He stared at me, and his expression was a mixture of a grin and a grimace. "Not all all," he growled.

James just looked at us suspiciously.

After they were gone, and I had spent a considerable amount of time moaning to myself about not being allowed go to class and being stuck in bed all day, and when Madam Pomfrey had come back to give out to me about everything under the sun and do all her little check-ups; well, after all that I was just sitting there, bored, and I noticed this little cabinet beside my bed. And on the cabinet was a little pile of three books. Which got me thinking about my dream again. Which, in turn, got me thinking about Sirius.

I picked up the first book on the pile, 'The Last Battle', and opened it on the last page out of habit. Something fell out of the pages into my lap, but I was busy staring at the last page where someone had underlined a few sentences in thin pencil. This shocked me more than it should have, because I always like to underline quotes and stuff. But I couldn't believe that Sirius actually had the cheek to _write_ in _my_ book.

It wasn't like it annoyed me or anything. It actually made me smile a little.

_And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before._

Maybe I should explain? The Narnia books were about these children who occasionally travelled into a different world, like a sort of parallel universe that was unreachable through this one. Except, of course, by magic. And I should probably mention that time works differently there. A few months in this world could pass hundreds of years there, or sometimes no time at all. In the final chronicle, 'The Last Battle', the children are called back into Narnia for the very last time. And they actually witness the end of the world – of the Narnian world, that is. And as the stars go out and the world goes black and cold, they make their way past the final judgement by the Great Lion Aslan and go through a door into … well, heaven, essentially.

It turns out that they all died in a train crash in our world.

When I read this for the first time when I was younger, it absolutely horrified me. They all _died_! What kind of book ends with every character dead? But then I read them again recently and I've come to appreciate this sort of ending. The entire books were basically a metaphor for Christianity, anyway, and in Christianity everyone who is good goes to heaven where they belong. And they live on there, forever and ever Amen. '_For them it was only the beginning of the real story.' _So, in this work of fiction heaven existed and it doesn't even matter whether it exists in real life, because it's just the way that story ends. When I thought about it, how else could he have possibly ended a series as epic as that?

These were my favourite books ever. Not only was it the fact that they were glorious and beautiful and magical – reminding me of the new world that _I _had once stepped into when I first found out I was a witch – but it was also the type of story that can be enjoyed by anyone, young or old. Kids will love the adventure and the mystery, and adults can simply appreciate the excellent writing. And the religious parallels. If you're into that sort of thing.

Now enough publicising … here's a question: why did Sirius choose to underline the entire last paragraph of the book I had given him?

I flicked through the rest and found no more pencil marks.

Then my attention was caught by the something which had fallen out of the pages when I first opened the book.

I sat still for a moment, then picked up the small piece of card in my lap.

There was a note attached to it. In narrow handwriting which I didn't immediately recognise, it read:

"_Can't believe we didn't even try Accio._

_'Young People – Delays – Indecision' OR 'A New Start – A New Arrival – A New Idea.'_

_Remember that. It's probably extremely important for our futures."_

That gentlemanly bastard had gone and found the Air card for me.

* * *

><p>AN!<p>

Stop flamin mah story preps!

My Immortal, anyone? Lol.

Anyway … can you believe that this was the first chapter of this story that I ever wrote down? It seems random, I know. I changed it RADICALLY from the original, though, because it was pretty awful. I'm still not really happy with it but ... I mean, that was back when the story was told in the third person. What!

It's a short enough chapter (compared) so I've got a little thing planned for the next one too, which shouldn't take long! :D

Also, sorry about Narnia spoilers anyone! MAY have got carried away. But that happens to be important, not just thrown in there for the laugh like.


	19. Diary

**- Chapter Nineteen -**

**Diary**

I should have realised that my actual diary (my own PERSONAL, PRIVATE DIARY which belonged to ME and was not fit for viewing by anyone other than ME) was simply sitting there on the cabinet beside my bed in the Hospital Wing. Which meant that someone had been _holding_ my personal, private diary, at some point while I was unconscious for over forty-eight hours. And if someone was _holding_ my diary, and I was unconscious, then what the bloody hell was stopping them from reading it?

I should have realised it as soon as I saw it there with the other two books. But I'm a little slow, so it took me a while. It was only when I opened it up to take a note of the dream I'd had for Divination that it occurred to me, and after that-

Oh I don't even know what I'm supposed to think about this.

* * *

><p><em>2<em>_ January 1978_

_ 8.00 a.m._

_Hey Holly ... Don't get mad at me for writing in your diary or anything. I doubt you will though. _

_Oh it's Sirius by the way. Maybe that was obvious. I don't think you know my handwriting?_

…

_I don't really know what I'm doing. I've been seriously bored. I read all your Narnia books. The ending made me angry a bit. I noticed your diary again in that box under your bed (it was annoying me so I tidied it up a little. You're welcome). And I'm sorry I read your diary but I was bored. _

_Don't worry or anything. There wasn't anything too scandalous in it. No surprises. So DON'T BE EMBARRASSED. OK?_

_Peter used to have a diary but it was quite different from yours. Yours is kind of odd I think. Maybe. You just describe what happens. And people's clothes and their facial expressions and stuff. (OK so it was a little odd reading you talking about my clothes sometimes. And my hair. And ... Other than that there was nothing I read that freaked me out or anything. Not too much anyway.) I thought people write in diaries about all their stupid emotions? And to gossip and bitch about people they know? But no. It's like you're just telling things as they are. Although, I did love the bit where you listed all the times you had ever talked to me or James in the beginning. Never realised how much that freaked you out. And then the other night, with your suspicions about us, like the mysterious footsteps and the parchment and the 'argument for showing up in convenient places' and everything, before you even knew the truth. Your ramblings are addictive. And you were so close to figuring everything out yourself! But why were you so adamant about not prying into our business? I can't understand it. I think you give us too much privacy, I think. Your theatrical reconstruction was actually spot on. You could give Mina Murray a run for her money._

_I absolutely loved the entry for the night of Slughorn's party. "You will remember this night for the rest of your life, so I'm not going to go into it right now. Maybe later." (That is a direct quotation.) I laughed so much at that._

_I don't know._

_Peter's diary used to be all, "Everyone picks on me and I'm behind in all my classes and I just can't do anything right and it's so unfair etc!" V. boring to read._

_Oh I forgot it was really weird when I was reading your diary because I was reading it and I don't know I could hear YOU reading it. I mean I was reading it in your voice in my head if that makes sense. Does that make sense? Probably not. Maybe you can hear my voice right now? I'm getting chills now because it's just the weirdest feeling ever. Why do I sound like such a sap. What was I saying before?_

_Oh and don't worry. I didn't show James. He might think it's a little odd._

_I don't think he'd understand._

_I don't know why I'm still doing this. Can't really decide if I like writing a diary. It's taken me almost an hour to write about a page and a half here. Small pages too. I don't think I'm very good at it. When you write you make the most mundane things sound kind of interesting. Like going to the library and having lunch and particular conversations. I should probably go to class soon._

_9.15am – I just realised that if you wake up and I'm not here you might read this before I even get to talk to you. That's a bit awkward._

_Oh I decided to skive off Potions. Don't know why. I'm just sitting here doing nothing anyway._

_You haven't missed anything in school really. I know I'm not in most of your classes. But still, what could you possibly miss? It's just classes._

_Oh I should probably warn you, there's been rumours flying around like wildfire. I mean people see us at Slughorn's party together - assumptions are made - then when everyone comes back from the holidays you're in a bed the Hospital Wing as good as comatose. And we couldn't let James risk getting caught because he's head boy so now everyone thinks it was just the two of us the other night. Bertram Aubrey pretty much thinks I beat you or raped you or something ridiculous. I know it's stupid. If anyone gives you a hard time just tell me and I'll give them a good cursing. Or if it's Snivelly I'll kick his teeth in. I really would._

_It doesn't help that I've been spending all my free time sitting beside your bed. OK, not all my time. That sounds creepy. _

_Oh and we both have a massive load of detention. I've had to varnish the frames of pretty much every painting in the whole bloody castle. No magic! If I hear one more wizened old fool painted in oils telling me I'm splashing on him I'm going to kick Mrs Norris in the face. _

_Sorry, that was a bit bad._

_Greymalkin is fine. I don't actually know how you spell that. Gray-Malkin like in Macbeth? Or Grimalkin? Don't know. I think cats are good at taking care of themselves, right? He sits here with me sometimes. Well he sits on your bed and I obviously don't. There's a chair._

_OK it's way too easy to lose track of what I'm writing._

_Emm … I should probably think about going to Transfiguration. McGonagall knows what's up. Seriously I am getting NO sympathy whatsoever for the fact that my friend is practically almost dead sort of. She and Pomfrey are giving me such grief. You're lucky you're asleep, I'm telling you._

_It feels like that bit in 'Waiting for Godot.' (I forgot to tell you I finished it the night you gave it to me. Forgot to give it back to you.) It feels like the bit, where Vladimir and Estragon are thinking of hanging themselves. And one of them I can't remember which says that if the lighter one goes first, and hangs, he'd be dead, and then the heavier one tries to hang himself afterwards and the bough breaks, then he would be alone. One would be dead. The other would be alone. But he'd be better off dead you see. So that's kind of how this feels. _

_Blimey, Holly. Way to leave me hanging. _

_I hate this. I don't really feel like myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. Must be coming down with something. James has been giving me grief as well. So bloody irritating. Of course I've been worried like what does he expect?_

_I'm sorry again for reading your diary and then writing in it. This is probably just stupid. You probably don't even care what I'm saying anyway. It's not very ... Maybe I'll just rip out the pages. And I'm sorry about the other night. I can't believe I let this happen. If you're not OK I don't know what I'm going to do._

_I'm so, so sorry._

_I just wish you'd wake up._

_I_


	20. Sick,  Or Close To It

This chapter was disastrously difficult to get started on, so I apologise for the delay.

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Twenty -<strong>

**Sick - Or Close To It**

I was sitting in the Hospital Wing bed later that same morning, reading my diary (because I simply didn't trust his word and had to make sure for myself that I hadn't written anything too dumb or embarrassing in it), when Sirius came barging in the doors.

"Good morning again, Madam Pomfrey! Wonderful weather we're having, isn't it?" he said in what I thought was a slightly cheeky manner, but was probably no more than the friendliness that was associated with being friends with James Potter. I really didn't give him enough credit for that. "And you," he said, looking at me as he quickly strode to my bedside. He pointed at me sternly. "Don't mention Prongs."

I had only begun to ask him why, when Professors McGonagall and Sprout entered through the door.

I froze, and shared a dark look with Sirius.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and sat down at the end of my bed.

"Oh get up, boy," barked Professor McGonagall.

He stood up straight and clasped his hands politely behind his back, but he shot me an arrogant grin.

I have never had such an awful sense of foreboding as the one I felt at that moment, with two teachers and Sirius Black standing around me in a bed in the Hospital Wing.

"Morning, Holly! How are you feeling?" asked Professor Sprout briskly. Little bits of earth fell to the polished floor when she took off her hat and twisted it in her hands.

"Fine. Good," I said. I nodded.

"I think I can speak for all of us when I say we're relieved to see you better," said Professor McGonagall in a dubious sort of way. "But there's something important we need to talk to _the both of you_ about."

Sirius and I both nodded and tried to look extremely innocent.

"I don't know what you were thinking when you decided that binge-drinking on New Year's Eve was a wise or appropriate thing to do in this castle. And, frankly, I don't want to know either." Professor McGonagall pressed her lips into a very stern line. "I suppose I can't say that I'm surprised at this sort of behaviour from you, Black, but could you _please_ try not to corrupt so many others with your reckless little charades?"

Sirius's face was stern too, listening intently. You'd swear he actually gave a damn. "Sorry, Professor." McGonagall only had time to tighten her lips further, before he added, "Sorry, Holly."

I wanted to tell them that it wasn't his fault, and that I was already fairly corrupted in terms of alcohol before I had ever been acquainted with Sirius or James. But I didn't know exactly how to phrase that, and before I could think of anything to say McGonagall had continued on.

"I would have expected more responsibility from you, Comstock."

"Sorry, Professor."

"Now, since both of you are technically of age there's little we can do in stopping you from drinking alcohol – other than telling you it's a disgusting habit that neither of you want to get involved in. However, consuming alcohol on school premises is still a direct violation of school rules. You have both received a month's detention, and twenty-five points have been deducted from both Gryffindor and Hufflepuff." McGonagall sniffed a little derisively, and Sprout looked disheartened compared to her usual bubbly self.

"Fair enough," Sirius put in. It earned him a frown from McGonagall.

"That's enough from you, Black. We'd like to talk to Comstock in private now, so you can just make your way to your next lesson."

Sirius gave them both an up-and-down look of indignation. "Seriously, you two are going to gang up on poor Holly, while she can't even bring herself to leave the bed? The girl can't even stand up for herself. I sincerely believe that I should stay here with her."

Oh holy Christ. I couldn't stand him standing there at the foot of my bed. It never occurred to me how _long_ beds can be. I needed him to be closer, though I had no idea where that urge was coming from.

Professor Sprout laughed and rolled her eyes, and I barely stifled a grin while McGonagall glared at Sirius. It didn't seem to bother him at all. "I have already spoken to Professor Kettleburn, who will be coming directly to me if he does not find you in Care of Magical Creatures, Black!"

Sirius sighed and grumbled something incoherent. Then he paused and turned to me, lowering his voice a little. "I'm going to visit you later, Holly."

Our eyes met for a moment, but McGonagall's voice cut in. "I shouldn't think you'll have time for that tonight, with the Transfiguration essay I set this morning and all your other homework on top of your detentions."

Sirius threw up his hands. "Can't a man have a private conversation here? Well, er," he glanced at me, "first thing in the morning, then. I promise."

I nodded a little. He pressed his lips together, and then nodded too and excused himself.

The two teachers waited until he had closed the door behind him. Professor Sprout sighed loudly and sat down heavily at the end of my bed, fanning herself with her hat and making bits of hair flit off in different directions from her round face. "How a boy can be so mannerly and so disrespectful all at once is beyond me!"

McGonagall cleared her throat. "Now, Comstock. There's something very important we need to discuss with you."

I raised my eyebrows, and nodded politely. I mean, what could they possibly have left to say?

Sprout sort of patted her stomach awkwardly, and McGonagall looked down over her glasses at me. "You really need to be careful, Comstock."

"Oh, Minerva!" cried Professor Sprout. "This is not a lecture! Holly, dear," she began, her hand tapping my foot over the bed covers. She rubbed her nose, smearing some of the dirt around. "Er … I'm sure you don't need us to tell you that some boys can be … er, harmful to you."

"Some _what_ can be harmful?" (You can just see why teachers like me, right?)

"Some _boys,_ Holly."

I blinked. They were lecturing me about … boys?

My face sort of twitched compulsively. This was not happening.

"You might think that letting him coerce you into doing these reckless things will make him like you, Comstock, but fooling around with Sirius Black is not-"

"Wha – Fooling around?"

"Holly, it's completely _normal_ to find yourself attracted to certain types of boys even though you know they could be bad," Sprout said softly, "But sometimes boys will say things they don't mean to get good girls to do things they wouldn't normally do-"

"Whoa, hang on a second!" I said loudly, jumping to my knees and making both McGonagall and Sprout go silent. "Sirius and I aren't – We're not, like – We're not _dating!_" I exclaimed.

To my chagrin, they only exchanged an even more concerned look. Sprout patted my foot sympathetically again. "Holly, did you ever wonder _why_ he doesn't want to make it exclusive?"

I slapped myself in the face. "NO! I mean, WE ARE NOT DATING. No fooling around, no anything. We're not even doing … anything! Sirius and I are just friends!"

Professor McGonagall just blinked in disbelief, and Sprout looked rather comically surprised with her flyaway hair. "… Friends?"

"_Yes_," I sighed.

Sprout sighed a little impatiently. "Horace told me that the two of you went to his party together – I knew he was-"

"We went to the party as _friends_," I explained exasperatedly.

"But you must fancy him?"

I threw my arms up in exasperation. Why did that always have to be the first thing people think? "No! I truly DO NOT fancy him."

Sprout looked sceptical. "Are you sure? Haven't you seen the chap?"

McGonagall drew back. "Pomona!"

"I'm sorry, Minerva! But you can't deny that that fellow has an extremely fortunate appearance-"

"Comstock," intervened McGonagall in her usual stern manner, "nevertheless, you can't follow Black around and do what he says because you think it will make him like you." When I opened my mouth to disagree, she added, "And I do mean as friends, Comstock."

I shook my head, blowing out my cheeks. "I never even wanted him to be my friend! Honestly. I have no idea why he likes me. I can't get rid of him!"

And then, Madam Pomfrey, who had been busily straightening the bedsheets even though the Hospital Wing was completely empty but for myself, joined the conversation with a disapproving, "Can't get rid of him is right! Wouldn't leave your bedside the whole time you were asleep. And I tried everything. He was there all of Sunday just watching and reading – and back on Monday morning with Potter – and then after classes until curfew … Did you say you were only friends?"

I stared in open-mouthed silence, and nodded briefly. And – get this – she actually _snorted_.

"Well, I'd bet my hat that he'd rather be more …"

Professor Sprout was also listening to this in shock. Then suddenly, she turned to me and slapped the bed, making me jump back in surprise. "Holly! I'm surprised at you! How could you be so cruel to that poor boy?"

I pulled at my hair. "_What_?"

"That Black chap is clearly crazy about you, and you insist on being just friends-!"

"OK, two minutes ago you were warning me against him-" I said, laughing humourlessly. Then I stopped and choked. "And Sirius is most definitely NOT 'crazy' about me!"

"Now that I think about it, I've never seen Black around many girls. Have you, Minerva?"

"He's never shown much interest," agreed McGonagall stiffly, and I was growing to hate this conversation more and more by the second. "A bit of a miracle since he's best friends with Potter …"

"I don't know why I just presumed he was a bad sort! Ah, he seems like such a sweetie now!" sighed Professor Sprout dreamily.

I just sat there with a deep frown of disgust on my face.

Madam Pomfrey straightened her apron and came to stand at the end of the bed with McGonagall, who said. "Well, this has been reassuring at least. Now that we know you're aware of what you could be getting involved in, there's one last thing we need to speak to you about."

I wasn't getting involved in _anything._ But I didn't voice this thought because I was already getting a sharp glare from the Transfiguration teacher.

Madam Pomfrey clasped her hands. "Yes indeed. You remember me telling you that you were unconscious for over forty-eight hours, Miss Comstock?"

"Yeah?"

"Well … You certainly drank a lot more than you should have, and you should _never _be so careless with alcohol again, but … it wasn't exactly alcohol poisoning that was the issue."

I paused and scratched my neck. I didn't understand. "… So, what was it?"

The two teachers and Madam Pomfrey exchanged glances. "You were simply sleeping, dear."

"I don't understand."

"Well, Holly, most healthy teenage girls don't go to sleep and are incapable of waking up for such a long period!"

Well, I _obviously_ understood that part of it. I wasn't a complete retard. "OK, so why did it happen to me?"

Pomfrey pursed her lips. "Well, that's exactly what we've been trying to figure out. Is there anything you can think of that might explain this?" I shrugged quickly and shook my head, not knowing what kind of thing they were asking from me. "How has your health been recently?"

"Fine, I think."

"You think?" repeated McGonagall.

"Have you been happy?" asked Professor Sprout cautiously. We all stared at her. She shrugged defensively.

"Well?" asked Pomfrey.

"Are you serious? I mean – I dunno!"

"You _don't know _whether you're happy?"

"Oh well, fine! I suppose I am!"

They all seemed to find this interesting, which I found extremely irritating.

"Have you been very fatigued?"

I thought for a moment. This sudden questioning was confusing me. "I guess I have. But I just thought it was normal. Because of the NEWTs and stuff."

"Oh, yes. I wanted to mention the incident earlier this morning, when you insisted on going to your lessons."

I looked around at them all. "What? Catching up is a lot of effort."

Professor Sprout was stroking my leg again over the blankets. "Holly … how much work have you been doing, exactly?"

"Er, well during the term I was going to the library – well, I guess everyday. But I was mostly doing homework. And dossing a lot, I haven't been getting very much revision done. And over Christmas I did absolutely nothing. So I'd really like to be able to go to classes tomorrow if I have permission." I was a little out of breath, thinking about the sheer scope of the workload I had to get through.

They were exchanging meaningful glances again and I sat up a little.

"I think we all agree that you won't be going to lessons for the remainder of the week," said Pomfrey calmly.

My jaw dropped. "_What_?"

"You've been overworking yourself, dear," Sprout explained. She began to stand up.

I shook my head vigorously but McGonagall dismissed me effortlessly. "That's our final word on the subject, Comstock. We'll see you in classes Monday morning. Now do try to get some sleep."

I slapped my hands over my head. Sleep! I could not possibly need more sleep!

But McGonagall was already striding towards the door and Madam Pomfrey had turned on her heel to go tend the other beds.

Sprout clasped her hands in front of her and beamed down at me. I huffed a little and didn't look at her. "Oh, cheer up Holly! It could always be worse! And I'm sure young Black will be in to visit you at the nearest possible opportunity!"

"Well – that's just … completely off the point!" I retorted, as she smirked at me and jogged her way towards the door.

I scowled and crossed my arms. Completely off the point. Yeah.

* * *

><p>When you're sick – or close to it – it's extremely easy to stop and watch the time go. Madam Pomfrey wouldn't even let me study so I had to spend the day reading my diary, all scarlet in the face thinking about Sirius reading the things I had written. Some of it was truly awful. Most of it was rambly and nonsensical. And a few things made me think, <em>oh crap, I hope he didn't take THAT the wrong way …<em>

Every once in a while I would look up at the clock and think, Divination's just over now; or lunch is just starting; or I'd feel the pure relief of the end of classes for the day. But I was detached from it all. And I was going out of my mind with boredom.

Although, James did keep his promise of getting some homework to me. To stop me from losing my mind and that.

"Heeeey there! How's the patient?" he chirruped, poking his head around the door and grinning sideways at me. James had a real squarish grin.

"I'm bloody fine, you sap! I need to get out of this fucking bed-!"

I shut up quickly, as Lily Evans followed James through the door. I grit my teeth and laughed sheepishly.

I'm such a fucking twat.

"Hi Holly," she said quickly, looking a little worried that I would burst out cursing again at any second.

"Hi," I replied, and rubbed my forehead in embarrassment.

James dropped a ton of books and rolls of parchment onto the cabinet beside my bed, where they balanced on top of 'The Last Battle' and 'Waiting For Godot.' My diary was currently stuffed between my backside and the mattress. James wiped his forehead and whistled.

"I suppose I shouldn't mention that I'm forbidden from academic activities," I laughed. James stopped and made an overly agonised expression, making me and Lily laugh loudly.

The couple sat themselves down on the plastic chairs beside the bed, and James crossed one foot over the other knee and slung his arm over the back of his girlfriend's chair.

What with the excitement of the holidays, and Sirius and I being a little distracted by the turn of events of _our_ side of Slughorn's party, it had been a few days before we remembered to ask James how his oh-so-important second date with Lily went (for which he was greatly affronted). Eventually he forgave us and told us all about it. In great detail.

Summarising it down, they had a fabulous time. And they were pretty much 'exclusive' by now, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. They sent each other about a thousand letters over the holidays. James would read them over breakfast with this massive grin on his face. (Sirius and I would pretend to vomit over our cereal bowls.)

And now they looked at each other, their eyes all shining and full of love and crap, and they held hands as if they never wanted to let go of each other again.

I didn't say anything for a minute, and then loudly, "SO how's it going?"

"Brilliant," said James, not looking away from Evans. "It always is with her."

I could literally taste the bile in the back of my throat.

Lily aww-ed and giggled and pushed him away playfully. She had her ginger hair tied back in a thick plait, which swung around when she moved. "How are you, though? Seriously. Are you feeling better?"

"I never felt worser in the first place. They just. Won't. Let. Me. Leeeeave." I laughed with James, but Lily only smiled and then looked meaningfully at me.

"I'm sure they just want to make sure you're all right," she said fervently. "You probably could do with the rest."

Once again: I SLEPT FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT. HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY BELIEVE I NEED MORE REST THAN THAT?

I gave a small laugh, and James squeezed Lily's hand. Then his eyes suddenly widened and he turned his attention to me.

"Sirius wanted to come, too, but McGonagall's been pretty strict with him-"

"He's got to get his work done before his detentions start," added Lily. There was the slightest edge of disapproval in her tone. I smiled a little nervously, fully aware that James would also be swamped with trouble if Sirius hadn't taken the blame for him. Did Evans know that her perfect Head Boy boyfriend was out breaking twice as many rules as any regular student could possibly imagine?

"He wanted to come at lunchtime, too," James said rather slowly. And then he sat up a little straighter. "Holly. _We need to talk_."

I stretched and yawned loudly. "Mm-kay," I said drearily.

James glared at me until I was paying an adequate amount of attention to him. When that moment came, he leaned forwards in his chair. "We need to talk to you … about Sirius."

"We?" interrupted Lily hastily. "Sorry, honey, but you can leave me out of this."

James clucked his tongue and glared at her, and I said dully, "What about him, James?"

James pointed at me. "_You_ and him."

I closed my eyes and gave a loud groan. "Fine. Let's hear it."

James fixed his glasses the way he did when he was getting down to serious business. "Sirius," he began slowly, "is a complete and utter thickhead."

I waited a moment. I seriously hoped that he'd have more to say so that I could have as little involvement in this conversation as humanly possible. But he didn't expand his argument, so I said, "Well, I already knew that, didn't I?"

"Holly, OK, how do I say this without freaking you out …" He scratched his chin for a moment, eyed me up, and then bellowed, "THE IDIOT IS TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

I blinked a little in shock. "Well, all right. I mean, I completely disagree. But all right."

"What is the matter with you people?" asked James impatiently. "I thought you were smart, Holly. Because Sirius is thick about these things – he wouldn't recognise a crush if it shoved its tongue down his throat!"

"Thank you for that image."

"And you – well, you're clearly deluding yourself. Or else you're as thick as he is!"

I stared at him, and he ran a hand quickly through his hair.

"You didn't see what he was like when you were all unconscious and stuff," he said urgently. "He completely lost his wits. I hardly saw him – he just moped around and wouldn't speak to anyone. Remus couldn't even talk some sense into him, and he's usually the one who can calm him down! He's an idiot, and he's in love with you!"

I shook my head. "He was _worried_ about me. He felt guilty, he thought it was his fault or something. That's _it_."

"No no no," he argued conspiratorially. "See, you don't get it. Sirius doesn't get _worried_ about stuff like that! I mean, you can't even imagine how many times one of the Marauders have gotten hurt over the years. One time I got my antl- ah, my, er, _head_ stuck in a tree – and Sirius just stood there and _laughed._ Things like guilt or worry do not have any meaning to him, Holly. Not unless you mean more to him than just a friend."

That caught me a little, and I struggled to find a comeback.

Thankfully, Lily came to my rescue. "Well, James, you can't really expect him not to feel anything at all when Holly was hurt like that! Since it was just the two of them, and since he brought her up here all by himself and everything." James and I both raised our eyebrows. "And really, girls are far more delicate than boys. He probably felt it was his responsibility to take care of her."

"Er, exactly," I said. And I grinned. Lily Evans was a legend sometimes.

James waved his hands around. "All right, forget that then. What _I_ don't understand is why _you_ are so determined not to have feelings for him!"

"I like being friends with him! Why is that so impossible to understand!"

"Ah, see that's it. You both like being friends – so _clearly_ you'd like to date each other! If it doesn't work out you go back to being friends! It's undeniably simple. One day you're going to be old and realise that all you ever wanted was right there, that you're totally meant for each other. So you might as well save your time and just get with him _now_."

"Why does dating have to be the natural way things go? What's wrong with being friends anyway?"

"Ha, because men and women can't be _just_ friends."

"Oh, I'd like to hear this," scoffed Lily. "And why's that?"

"Because it doesn't work!"

"I've had tons of male friends that I would never even consider going out with," Lily argued. She faltered a little when James ogled at her. "Er, before I started seeing you, of course."

"Hate to break it to you, but those guys probably all would have dated you if they had their way," James said knowledgeably. "Because men and women cannot be friends, if they find each other attractive. Oh, and you _do_ find each other attractive. Because he's Sirius Black and you're Holly Comstock."

I hardly had time to splutter and choke over this claim because Lily was defending me again.

"Now, this is just ridiculous," she said. "You obviously haven't got the first clue about the minds of women. Because we aren't so shallow that we would go out with every single bloke we find attractive. There's so much more to a relationship than that. Right, Holly?"

"Right!" I said convincingly. Although, in truth I was always more of a any-friend-is-a-potential-boyfriend type. Oh Lord. I HAVE THE MIND OF A BOY.

"But men do not think like that," James said simply.

"Sirius does."

He stopped and looked at me. He sighed. "Ugh, I forgot he's a total nutter."

I didn't say anything, and then James folded his arms and frowned deeply.

"I just don't get it. It's like you're refusing to let yourself be happy."

I raised my eyebrows and crushed my teeth together for a moment. "Who says that having a boyfriend will automatically make me happy?"

James blinked once, staring solemnly into my eyes. He gave a slight grimace. "But you _know_ Sirius is not just some random bloke to you."

"Is that it, then?" I asked.

James stood up suddenly with a scowl. Lily glanced up at him worriedly.

I sat up nervously. "I didn't mean for you to leave or anything."

"Yeah, well," he said. And then he said he'd talk to me. And then he turned around and left.

Lily stood up slowly, looking pained.

"Fuck," I muttered. "Shitting shitsticks …"

Lily bit her lip and sighed a little. "We'll probably come back tomorrow anyway," she said kindly.

"Yeah. Could you tell him I'm sorry?" She nodded and smiled at me, and I tried my best to smile back. But it was hard. "See you," I muttered, and then she went and I was left behind feeling incredibly shitty.

I was NOT refusing to let myself be happy.

This was seriously depressing. The amount of things James had said that I could have taken badly, that I could have shouted at him about, or _really_ had an argument over. And then I say the tiniest little thing … Why must people be so _sensitive_.

Having friends was hard.

I had just taken my diary out again and opened it up on the page I had left it, when the door handle turned again and I immediately shoved the notebook back under my sheets.

Remus Lupin stood in the doorway, his hand awkwardly still on the door. I probably had that deer-caught-in-headlights look. I forced myself to relax a little, crossing my legs and fixing the blanket. "Oh, Remus," I said, sounding a little too surprised. "Hi."

"Hi," he said. And he smiled a little and looked around. The Hospital Wing was empty other than for me, so I was _guessing_ he had come to see me. Which I found a little odd.

He seemed to realise that he was still standing there, because then he shook himself a little and came over to my bedside. He had a book tucked under his arm, which he placed carefully atop the pile on my bedside cabinet. "Er, I didn't know if anyone was bringing you the Arithmancy homework," he said quickly.

There was no one in that class I knew well enough to bring me homework, and I guess I should have felt embarrassed that he realised this too. But Remus didn't seem like he was judging me or anything. He was just being a decent fellow.

"Thanks. That's really … Thank you," I said stupidly.

He smiled brightly and hovered for a moment.

My eyes widened a bit. "Oh, you can sit if you like."

He nodded quickly, pushing his hair from his face as he sat down. He dropped his bookbag on the ground by the legs of the chair. It sounded heavy.

I twisted my hands in my lap.

"I ran into James down the corridor," he said with a cautious sort of smile. "So I'm going to guess that he may have … brought something up with you." I swallowed. When I struggled to answer him, he went on. "He won't leave it. It's been bugging the heck out of Sirius."

"I know how he feels," I said wearily. My hands gripped the edges of my diary under the covers.

"The thing about James is that he honestly believes he's helping. Even when no one else agrees."

"I'd say it's _especially _when no one agrees," I said. He laughed.

"I know you probably don't need me to tell you this, but you really shouldn't let it bother you. I know how annoying it can be. But even Sirius, I think, knows that as long as the two of you are comfortable with it then it shouldn't matter what other people are saying."

I sighed and hugged myself. "So you don't think we're deluding ourselves?"

Remus smiled and gave a smallish laugh. "Holly, for as long as I've known him, Sirius has never really had any friends-who-are-girls. Like, ever. So this is a pretty big step for him. I think it's good."

"You don't know how relieving it is to hear that," I said.

After a moment I realised that he never _quite _answered my question. If having a friend-who's-a-girl was one big step for Sirius, then … what was supposed to be the next step? WAS HE IMPLYING SOMETHING?

"I think that's probably why he cares about you so much," Remus was saying. I shook myself and watched him a little shyly. "I mean, you _really_ mean a lot to him."

"Yeah, he's said … I mean, he seems to think I'm special or something." I was actually blushing a little, making me feel even more idiotic.

Remus grinned at me. I thought it was quite a Marauder-ish grin. "Well, maybe you are."

I opened my mouth and then just chuckled awkwardly after a moment. "Do _all_ the Marauders have to be so charming?" I asked. "Shall Peter come to deliver my Herbology things?"

Remus sniggered and shrugged shyly. "Ah, it tends to rub off from James." He rubbed his head, revealing a large, deep cut across the back of his left hand.

I don't think I have ever mentioned this before (because it hardly ever occurs to me), but there was this odd thing about Remus Lupin. He was like the kindest, gentlest bloke you could meet. But, he had these wicked scars right across his face. Mean-looking things, and sometimes they were fresh.

I used to have this conspiracy (I know, it's crazy) that, I don't know, his friends 'The Marauders' were beating him up or something. I mean, in all honesty, James and Sirius were popular. They could have had any friends they wanted. And Remus just seemed to be on the less cool end of the foursome. You'd just have to wonder sometimes. And you might think that Peter Pettigrew would be a better candidate for being bullied by his mates, but I'd always thought that Remus would be more opinionated than Peter. He might have tried to put some regulation on them. And he was a little booky, and he was a Prefect and stuff. So, I used to think that maybe James and Sirius were beating him up.

Clearly, that idea was completely ridiculous. It fell through pretty quickly when it became very apparent that the four of them had a severely tight friendship.

So there was still a mystery of why Remus had these awful scars. Self-harming your own face was a bit too much to imagine. And he didn't seem depressed or anything. Not that I would know.

But it was the kind of thing that was really easy to forget about. He had a nice smile, and soft features. Most of the time, you wouldn't even notice the scars at all.

Maybe he was just very, _very _clumsy. With … knives. And brambles.

"I have no doubt that Sirius will find some time to visit you soon enough," Remus said with a fleeting smile. I came back to my senses quick enough to smile back and try to act normal. "I should, er, probably be heading to the library now, then."

"I'm jealous of you," I chuckled, as he got up and picked up his heavy bag. He laughed and I said, "No, seriously. I am."

* * *

><p>I was sitting in bed that night. Legs crossed. Wand Lumossed. Chomping on a slab of chocolate that I had found left in the drawer of my bedside cabinet, along with a load of other goodies that Pomfrey had clearly decided to hide. Marauder's Map in lap. (That had also been found in the drawer.)<p>

Chillin'.

When I suddenly noticed a dot named _Sirius Black_ wandering the inky corridors of the weathered map. And I simply could not help stalking him a little with my eyes. That's about when I realised that he was heading straight for the Hospital Wing.

My brain seemed to spontaneously combust.

I watched him stop at the door for a moment, and I looked up, trying to focus the beam of light from my wand towards it. There was no sound at all, and I glanced back at the map. After a moment, the dot entered the room. Really, really slowly.

And I still couldn't hear a bloody thing. Or see anything, for that matter. When the _Sirius Black_ dot was about halfway between the door and the _Holly Comstock_ dot, I said, "Sirius?" My voice shook a little and was barely above a whisper, because the room felt all dark and empty and stuff.

Nothing.

"Sirius, I can _see_ you."

There was a pause, and then:

"No you can't!"

I waved up the map.

Another pause.

"_Ah_."

He whipped the Cloak off just before getting to my bed, and came right up to the edge, grinning down at me. "Glad to see you're getting good use out of that."

I got to my knees and put both of my hands on his shoulders. Don't know why I'm touching him, really. Must be cabin fever.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked calmly.

He blinked, and looked down into my face. "Visiting you?"

"He already has a month's detention, yet still sneaks out of bed at midnight to pay a visit to the Hospital Wing," I sighed aloud.

Sirius barked out his laugh. I glanced nervously at the door. "Well, I had to come see my favourite invalid. Didn't I?"

"No," I answered shortly, turning back to him.

He pursed his lips. "I did promise."

"You didn't have to come-"

"But I wanted to."

"I'm not even sick!"

"Holly," he said, removing my hands from his shoulders, "I haven't spoken to you properly in three whole days. I wanted to come."

I studied his composed face, and then fell back into bed with a sigh.

He smirked at me, and then dropped the cloak on the floor and climbed into the bed to sit at the other end. He waved his wand at the door, and said, "There. Does that make you feel better?"

"Remotely," I replied cautiously. "What did you even do?"

He just tapped his nose.

I crossed my legs and Sirius stretched lazily and sat with one leg curled on the bed and the other knee up. He rested his elbow on the raised knee, and rested his head against his fist.

We didn't say anything for a long time. I chewed my lip, and occasionally watched him as he continuously watched me.

Again, it hit me just how long the bed was. I mean, I was thinking about the night on the Astronomy Tower, where we were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, and I could notice things like the tiniest flecks of green in his grey eyes, or the exact way in which his stubble would litter his jaw, and the hollows of his cheeks. And now we were in a small circle of wandlight that barely went further than the parameters of the bed but if I reached out I wouldn't have been able to touch him. And it's not that I _wanted_ to be closer to him, exactly. I could just notice this kind of thing.

After a moment I noticed that he wasn't scrutinising me anymore, and then he leaned over the edge of the bed and picked something up off the floor.

He bounced the notebook in his hand a bit, staring at it solemnly. My diary must have fallen off the bed without me realising it.

And then he mumbled something that sounded like, "I never ripped out those pages, did I …"

He fiddled with his bottom lip for a moment.

"You read this, I suppose." He didn't look at me. I wasn't sure if he was even talking to me. It wasn't a question.

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound as casual as possible. Because it wasn't a big deal. It really wasn't. "As did you."

I got the slightest of smirks out of him.

"Look," he said slowly, and then didn't speak for approximately two minutes. Which drove me crazy. "You remember James earlier?" he asked eventually. I glared at him for the unfair vagueness of the question. He ran a hand through his hair. "When he was slagging me over you."

I nodded and said, "I know he was only taking the piss, Sirius. I really wasn't reading that much into it."

He looked up at me then, and the light from my wand shone brightly in his eyes. "No. But he wasn't just taking the piss. He was telling the truth, actually. I was really fucking worried about you."

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, but he shook his head.

"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's not your fault you were unconscious. But James would take my being worried to mean that, I dunno, I fancy you or something. But that's not it. And I was fully aware that the only person who could understand that was _you._ But I couldn't talk to you about it. It was bloody irritating. Does that even make sense?"

"I think so," I said, smiling.

"And the funny part is that James doesn't even know half of it. Like, I've been open to you about pretty much everything. And I can totally freak out in front of you, and tell you exactly how worried I was for those two days you were knocked out, and write angsty little notes in your diary. And you _still_ don't jump to conclusions or anything. You still just don't even read into it." He grinned at me. "It's kind of amazing, you know."

"Well, I am sort of the Master of Not Reading Into Things," I said. Then I thought about this because it seemed to be a direct contradiction of everything I ever thought before. Yet, somehow it still seemed to make sense. "The trick is to jump to every possible ridiculous conclusion you can think of, and then settle for the 'Nah, it means nothing' option. Convince yourself pretty well of that. Everything means nothing to me now."

Wow, my outlook has changed since the last time I thought about this.

Sirius gave me an odd sort of smile. "That was something I noticed in your diary. I mean, I realise that you think I'm good looking." I raised my eyebrows and he copied me, adding in a roll of his eyes. "I've come to the conclusion that most people think I'm attractive, Holly. But there are the girls who (a) flirt ferociously; (b) have too much confidence and force themselves on me; and (c) get shy and can't speak in my presence. All three involve giggling. And there's you. You; who writes the occasional thing like 'Sirius looks so fit in his new jeans' or 'how does he look so flawless all the time?' or 'he must wash his hair like twice a day' … but never 'I just want to snog him' or 'I fancy the pants off of him' or 'omigosh I wonder if he likes me blah blah blah' …"

I scratched my head, feeling unnerved at the fact that he could quote directly from my diary (a few of the more embarrassing things I had chosen to record) right off the top of his head, but he just grinned widely at me.

"Because you honest to God just don't think about me like that. And you never have, either."

And I never have either? That sounded odd to me. I knew that when Sirius kissed me, I pretty much decided that I wasn't into him like that. But before that, I _literally_ hadn't thought about it. And there was supposed to be a list of issues I had about boys. I had a weakness for the attractive types, I over-thought everything, I couldn't be friends without ending up getting thoughts of more-than-friendship … But somehow, without me even noticing it, Sirius had come along and defied each of these rules. He was the exception.

This should have been extremely romantic, if it wasn't the exact opposite. That was the entire point.

"I honest to God don't," I agreed, grinning widely back.

"I kind of knew you were going to be fine," he said. "But it's just good to have you back."

After a while I said, "Sirius, what actually happened?"

"We need to teach you how to hold your alcohol, that's what."

"Or I should just stick to cherry syrup cocktails … Hang on, I didn't, er … throw up, did I?"

Sirius laughed. "Nah, you just looked all pretty and unconscious. And then I told James to piss off and keep himself out of trouble while I took you here. He didn't want me to, though. He seemed to think I'd rather save myself from detentions than make sure you were going to be all right."

"I'm really sorry," I said.

"Haven't I told you before that detention doesn't bother me?"

"Well, yeah, but it's a whole _month_ …"

Wait, did he call me pretty before?

I covered my face with my hands. "I'm soooo embarrassed."

I heard Sirius shuffle himself towards me, and I dropped my hands to see his broad, grinning face. "Don't be! I've seen it so much worse before. Honestly. One time, James had so much that he didn't stop getting sick for three hours. He was coughing up blood by the end of it!"

"Bloody hell, what on Earth was he doing? Smoking gillyweed?"

"Why? Would smoking gillyweed make that happen?"

"How should I know!"

"Oh, right. Honestly, though. If you ever want to piss him off just get some Blood Lollipops, you know the ones from Honeydukes? And you can suck them and then cough your lungs up and then spit out the blood – Or give it to him and pretend it's cherry. It drives him mental."

We started laughing and I laughed so much that my stomach started to hurt. I was slipping in the bed so I stopped for a second to readjust the pillow against the bedstand, when I noticed that I had stuck the Air Card underneath my pillow after I had read the last page of the Narnia book.

I wanted to say something about it (for having Young People – Delays – Indecision, A New Start – A New Arrival – A New Idea constantly drifting in and out of my head) but I felt a little bashful about it for some reason, so instead I shoved it back under my pillow and said,

"You finished Narnia."

"I DID."

I laughed. "You didn't like the ending."

Sirius did not answer straight away, but stared at me brightly for a moment with wide eyes. "No. I _loved_ the books. I really did. And I got the whole religious metaphors thing – I mean … Well, I've never told anyone this, but when I ran away from home I stayed at the Potter's until I came of age and could get my own place. And I went to a hotel for a few nights before moving into my flat. And I have this thing where I read like a maniac whenever I'm feeling really good, or really bad. But not when I'm really really good or really really bad. But anyway, I was in this hotel and I was feeling pretty good and the first book I came across was the Bible." He played with his hair a little sheepishly. "So I just read that."

I stared back at him. "Wow."

He chuckled, embarrassed. "So I got that whole part of it. And I actually think it was kind of cool that he would write all those books just to teach kids about God or whatever. If that's what he's passionate about, I mean. And good manners. Oh yeah – I loved how all those kids were ridiculously polite. And I loved how they loved Narnia almost more than their own world – And I loved how they could actually _travel_ into a different world. I wish our kind of magic could do that! And they had centaurs, too, that was pretty cool. And giants and merpeople, and they had stars who were people, not just people named after stars. And I loved all the characters. I loved how Lucy was like some sort of prodigy child, but then she read the magician's book and she wasn't _actually_ perfect. And I loved that Digory rang the bell. And I loved that Jadis was the White Witch! And Uncle Andrew was such an old fool – And the lamp post! And Digory was actually the Professor! And the wardrobe was made from the tree they buried the rings under! And then Eustace and Jill took the rings – Oh holy Christ, Eustace. Eustace was just everything that is wrong in the world condensed into one poor little boy. I empathised a lot with Eustace. And I loved when Edmund told him that at least he wasn't a traitor. I loved how Edmund was forgiven. And I actually loved that Jill was the most irritating little idiot in the world, but in a different way to Eustace who was a vegetarian and stuff, and that she completely ignored everything that Aslan told her and still got out OK in the end. And Puddleglum – oh Puddleglum. Best. Character. Ever. And – where was I? Sailing to the edge of the world and digging to the centre of the Earth and travelling across the desert … Oh, and I adored the fact that the most romantic thing that happened in any of the books was that Shasta and Aravis argued so much that when they grew up they got married so that they could continue arguing more conveniently. That was fantastic. One line. So many stories have unnecessary romance. I loved that Susan lost her faith. And I loved how the really arrogant unicorn went all humble when it saw the winged horse. And I loved how much the Puzzle-the-donkey-dressing-up-as-a-lion-and-pretending-to-be-Aslan thing absolutely horrified me.

"The entire last book had me a little horrified, actually. When they were cutting down all the trees and the spirits of them were dying, and Tashlan, and when the dwarves decided to stay in the dark. I loved how awful it all was. How hopeless it was. And when they went to heaven in the end – it was the same. I hated it but I loved it. Like, I think it was the most perfect ending it could have ever had."

I smiled, because that was exactly how I felt about it. And I LOVED how Sirius was so into these books!

"Are you religious? Is that why you like the books?"

"No," I said. "Not at all. I just love them for all the reasons you just said."

He nodded, and I noticed he was almost breathless. I wished I had kept count of how many things he 'loved' about the books.

"Sorry, I've been dying to talk to you about this," he said, quickly, grinning massively at me. "… It's not even that I didn't like the ending. I loved it. I just didn't like the theory behind it. I mean, say you go to heaven, and you can run as fast as you like and never get tired, and you can never feel sad, or scared, or anything, even if you try. If you're positively ecstatic all of the time, then how do you even appreciate the times when you're happy? And emotions are what make us human, right? It's what makes us _alive, _and makes us want to live_. _So I just don't like the idea of that kind of afterlife. Because that's not living forever. It sounds a little dull, to be honest."

"But you would be so happy all of the time that you could never stop to realise how dull it is," I pointed out, grinning. "You'd be just wasting eternity, blind drunk on ecstasy. But you could never even realise that you're missing those vital emotions that make the happiness so much better. It must be infuriating."

"But you would be so happy all the time that you couldn't even be infuriated by it! It's awful!" he cried. We laughed loudly and he said, "I would take anger and despair and fear over eternal happiness any day."

And then I said, "I am so attracted to you right now."

Realising what had just come out of my mouth, I froze and caught my breath. Sirius went still and stared into space before meeting my eyes carefully. He looked like he hadn't quite decided how he should feel about that.

I had to refrain from smacking myself in the face. I had just ruined the most amazing conversation I had probably ever had in my entire life!

"I mean, on a purely intellectual basis," I laughed nervously. I hoped that it would be enough.

For a moment he continued to stare at me warily. Then he came out with, "Well, that's a first."

I exhaled in relief, and laughed. "What, the first time that anyone's found anti-afterlife arguments and near-sadomasochism and _schadenfreude _and death to be endearing?" I was still trying to decide if preferring to live in suffering than to be eternally joyful was sort of sadistic or not.

"Well, that too," he said with a fleeting grin. "But I was going to say it was the first time a girl had found me attractive in any purely non-physical way."

I studied his face, chewing my tongue. "I'm sure it's not the first time."

"Oh I'm sure it is."

"You've got a brilliant personality."

"Maybe _you_ know that, but most girls don't bother finding out."

I didn't say anything, because I had no idea exactly what past experience Sirius actually had with girls. And maybe he was right. But he could just as easily be wrong. Because no matter how far from other girls he thought I was, I was really not that special at all.

And then he said, "You really have no idea how difficult it is to be extraordinarily good-looking."

I laughed, and was about to say something but stopped myself.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No, what were you about to say!"

"It doesn't matter!"

"Oh my God just tell me what you were going to say!"

"Oh my God!" I groaned and then sighed. "I was going to be like, oh thanks, you basically just said that I'm not good-looking." He opened his mouth to cut in but I continued quickly. "But then I realised that if I said that, then you might feel obliged to say, _oh no Holly, of course you're good-looking_. And I really hate that. So I didn't want to say it."

He stared at me for a moment. "You really are something else," he said quietly. "And for the record, you are-"

"Don't do it!"

"-Quite attractive," he finished with a grin. I scowled at him. Thankfully, he changed the subject then. "Did you just say schadenfreude before?" he asked.

"I think I did, yeah." Schadenfreude: pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. Great word. "You know what it is?"

"Strangely enough, I do. I don't even remember how I heard of it, but my family's motto was _'Toujours Pur' –_ always pure. It was embroidered write in the middle of this massive tapestry of the family tree. So before I left, I carved _schadenfreude_ bang in the centre of the kitchen table."

"Wow," I said, happily back into the most amazing conversation in the world.

"What do you think happens after you die?" asked Sirius abruptly.

"Er, I dunno," I started, feeling very put on the spot. "I mean, I'm kind of attached to my consciousness but I never exactly believed that anything at all should happen after you die. I was never really taken by the idea of separate body and soul parts."

Sirius was watching me with narrowed eyes, with something earnest in his looks.

"But – then you think about ghosts," I continued thoughtfully. "They aren't imprints of a person's personality, the way portraits are. Ghosts actually _are_ the person. Their soul or whatever. But if souls are real, then why would anyone choose to be a ghost? Doesn't that mean that there is at least some kind of afterlife? Or are they just scared or caught up in the corrupted currents of this world? Or who's to say that even if souls exist that your soul should live on after you die anyway?"

Sirius gave me a smile. "Did you ever think that one day, maybe billions of years in the future, humans will be extinct, and maybe even life in general will be have disappeared? Maybe if the Earth blew up or something. So then … what happens to the ghosts? Shouldn't they be still around, in principle?"

"Holy shitcakes," I said. I thought about this for a few minutes, absolutely _loving_ the way his mind worked, and then I said, "They'll have a gathering and throw a whopper end of the universe party together. Just drifting around the ether."

We both began to laugh, and then he ran his hands over his face and tugged at his hair, and said, "I missed you so much!"

"Was I sleeping, while the others suffered? Am I sleeping now? Tomorrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of today?"

Sirius nodded feverishly. "We could be Didi and Gogo, you know. You and I."

"So what do you think about life after death?"

"I adamantly believe that there is _something _after. I just have no idea what it is, or what it might feel like."

I nodded. God I wished I could be as sure of myself.

Sirius furrowed his brow. "How do we always end up having the oddest conversations?"

"I don't know! I don't do this with anyone else!"

"Me neither. That's part of what I love about it." His smile faltered a little. "And I know that I should probably be leaving soon but I really just don't want to go at all."

Sirius then half-jokingly suggested that he should simply stay, as he untucked the bed at his end and tugged the blankets up to his chin like a child. He even went as far as saying that he could turn into a dog and sleep right there. But I decided that just friends or not, and animal or not, I would still have to draw the line at sleeping in the same bed as him.

Well ... For now, anyway.


	21. Valentines

**- Chapter Twenty-One -**

**Valentines**

I strolled half-asleep into the Great Hall the next Monday morning, all stiff and sore from seven days of intensive Sitting In A Bed Doing Absolutely Nothing.

I noticed James and Lily immediately. This was mainly due to the fact that they were snogging a little viciously.

I hadn't actually seen them kiss before, and this hour of morning was not the finest to see something like that for the first time. James held her face in his hands as they crushed their lips together, his eyes screwed tight shut … I don't know what it was exactly. But there was something very earnest about it. Like one of them was about to be fed to a Hairy MacBoon. Actually, no. It was more like they wanted to suck out each other's souls, Dementor style. It must be nice to be so much in love that you're all right with giving not only your heart to your lover, but your soul too. Literally. It creeped me out.

I stared at them for a few seconds as they cooled it down a notch and James smiled and pecked her on the nose. Then I looked on to see Sirius (who had left a fair amount of bench space between himself and the happy couple), sitting up straight and alert, his whole body facing my direction because he had already seen me. I could actually picture his doggy ears prick up. He smiled at me across the hall. I closed my eyes lightly and waved.

Then I noticed Mary McDonald shooting daggers at me from the near end of the Gryffindor table, and I quickly sat down with my back to the lions.

I was just beginning to shovel spoonfuls of cereal into my mouth when I felt someone sit down right beside me, and I resentfully turned my head with my spoon still in my mouth.

"Hullo," said Sirius.

"Huwwo," I said. It took a fair bit of effort to stop the milk from dribbling down my chin.

He was sitting with one leg on either side of the bench so that he was fully facing me. I drew back a little and shifted to look at him, swallowing my food as I did.

"Adrian finally developed his pictures," he said, passing me a shiny photograph.

"What pic-" I started, and then I just looked at the thing.

I immediately recognised Sirius, looking handsome and debonair with his hair all combed back. But it took me a moment to realise that the girl in the red dress was me. I don't normally wear red, you see. But that was definitely me in the photo, wearing the colours of Gryffindor, my hair looking a little wild and the plump hand of Professor Slughorn on my shoulder. I was smiling in such a way that made it look like it was physically hurting me, and never quite looked directly at the camera. Slughorn was beaming and raising his glass at the camera, while on his other side, Sirius was slouching with his hands in his pockets, sucking his cheeks in and looking like nothing less than a model. I had forgotten what a nice suit that was, Hufflepuff and all.

Then he glanced over Slughorn's round belly at me and watched me smiling and looking around for a moment until I noticed and met his eyes. Then we both pulled faces and pressed our lips together, clearly trying not to laugh out loud. We looked away from each other and Sirius glanced at his feet before looking up and grinning widely at the camera.

It was hard to stop looking at it.

The real Sirius was leaning over to peer at it upside-down, saying, "We look-" when I glanced up a little too quickly and we banged heads.

Laughing and rubbing his head, he said, "I can see what they meant now. 'tis indeed a handsome couple."

I shot him a tiny glower and then grinned.

"Adrian said he wanted to give it to you himself but I told him I could do it," he continued, coughing slightly. "Because then he asked me if we were dating. And I sort of … set his socks on fire."

I winced and laughed a little. I looked at the photo again. "It's perfect," I said.

I turned back to my bowl and stuffed my spoon into my mouth.

"… Holly?"

"Mmmnph?"

"Er, what are you doing?"

I turned to see him looking at me warily. I swallowed and gasped for air. "Eating my Cheery-Owls?"

He stared at me. I tugged my skirt over my knees awkwardly and then hastily looked down at myself. Well, I had definitely remembered to dress myself this morning. I glanced back at him.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"Why are sitting over here on your own?"

I stopped. I was about to ask him where he felt I was supposed to sit, when I looked over his shoulder to see James (of course), already watching us. He waved his arm in a wide arc, which was funny because his fingers were still laced with Lily's. I laughed a little and looked back at Sirius.

"I … I don't know," I said quietly.

He stood up suddenly, grabbing me by the wrist to lift me up with him. I glanced uncertainly at my half-finished breakfast.

"Let me guess," Sirius was saying. He hadn't let go of my wrist yet. "You thought that since the holidays were over and our friends – and Evans – were back, that meant that we suddenly wouldn't be sitting with you for meals any more, or hanging out with you during our free time any more. You thought we'd just forget about you."

"Pretty much," I said blankly, and he laughed loudly.

"You are so silly sometimes," he teased, as he picked up my bowl with his free hand and dragged me across to the Gyffindor table. As if I would have protested.

* * *

><p>"Sirius … <em>Sirius<em>. You're doing it again."

He groaned and rolled his head away from me, keeping it rested on top of his arms which were folded across an open book. "Remind me what we're doing in the library, please."

"We're trying not to fail our exams," I said bracingly, furiously dipping my quill into a pot of ink and accidentally splashing it all over the place. "Because when Pomfrey and McGonagall and Sprout oh-so-smartly decided that making me sit in bed for a week would do me the world of good, they didn't seem to think about the _tiny little problem_ of cutting into my study timetable, since detention every evening for a month scarcely gives me time for homework, let alone full-on revision! By the time I can study properly it'll be a week into February, and-"

"The exams are ages away from February," yawned Sirius, his voice muffled. "Why are all my friends swots."

I stared at the back of his head. "I never said you had to come with me."

"Yeah but everyone else is in Ancient Runes. It's incredible, really, the amount of people who do that subject. It's like choosing to study … Latin. Who on Earth would _choose_ to study Latin?"

"Botanists."

"Like I said, who on Earth would choose to study Ancient Runes."

"Dunno," I answered.

"I mean, I'll leave if you want me to."

"Nah, I wasn't saying that."

"The staring doesn't bother you that much, does it?"

"Nah," I said. He turned around and propped his elbow up on the table and dropped his chin into his palm. I stared at him and he stared back at me. "I just don't get why you do it."

"I like watching people's faces," he said in a hushed voice, his eyes flicking upwards as I heard Madam Pince cross the room behind us. His eyes returned to my face, scanning me meticulously.

After a while he said, "We share these six free periods together every week. Are you always going to want to come here?"

"Depends on how much work I have."

"But you're smart! You'll do just fine in the NEWTs."

"I'm smart because I study. And I don't want to do _just fine._ I want to do _well_."

"What are you trying to get top marks for anyway? You want to be a Healer or something?"

I stopped and dropped my quill. "No."

"What do you want to do anyway?"

I swallowed a little and rubbed my neck. "I, er… don't exactly know."

Sirius looked concerned. "You have to have some idea. Cutting it a little late to decide, aren't you?"

"I just have no idea." I thought about having to leave school and work in my mother's bakery for the rest of my life, carrying on the family business. I shuddered a little.

"Why do you want to do well if you don't even know what you want to do after school?"

"I need to leave my options open, don't I? And anyway, my mam wanted me to drop out after the OWLs. I want to be able to wave my grades in her face."

Sirius stared at me, dumbstruck. "Why on Earth would you drop out?"

"_I_ wouldn't, she just wanted me to. She thought I should do an apprenticeship in the shop with her, and you don't need much education for that, if any. But it's not like dropping out after the O-Levels. Imagine going out into the Muggle world and not even being able to do maths and stuff. Also she's selfish and hates that I leave her on her own during the year while I'm here."

"Then why didn't you go home for the holidays?" he asked, sitting back in his chair.

I scratched my nose with my quill, closing the book in front of me when I realised that I was nowhere near about to get any work done. "Because I like it here. And I don't like it there. So maybe I'm selfish too. But just thinking about it makes me want to move out."

"You'll need to sort out your career, then," said Sirius with a smirk.

I shook my head.

"Well … what are you interested in?"

I thought for a moment. "… _Nothing_."

I smiled slightly, and Sirius began to grin. "Yeah. Me too."

* * *

><p>A month and seven days later I was sitting at the Gryffindor table for breakfast again. And James and Lily were snogging again. But something had changed, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.<p>

They actually weren't so much snogging as occasionally pecking each other's lips and cheeks in between touching each other's faces and hairs and quietly laughing and mumbling sweet nothings into each other's ears. Real vomit inducing stuff, here.

At that moment, I wondered why they were called sweet nothings. And almost immediately I came up with the answer: Because they mean _nothing. _Obviously.

It was kind of entrancing. Like, I wanted to get sick or something and I had long ago been turned off my breakfast but I still couldn't stop staring at them in horrified silence. Not that they would ever draw their eyes away from each other to see me being a creeper, so it was OK.

And then I jumped out of my seat when the tiniest owl I've ever seen flew right in front of my face and landed in the milk jug.

Sirius stood up and fetched the owl out. He wrenched off the letter it was carrying, glanced at it and then handed it to me blankly.

"Oh, Holly, did you get a Valentine's card?" asked Peter excitedly, who had clearly been watching. I used to think his twitchy eagerness was a little off-putting, but I had grown to learn that it was actually kind of adorable.

"A _what_?" I asked. I blinked at him and then stared at the pink envelope.

"Weren't you wondering what had gotten into _them_?" said Sirius gruffly, nodding towards James and Lily who were still completely oblivious. "Who's the card from?"

"My mother, you idiots."

_Dearest Holly,_

_Your last letter was deeply upsetting to read. I don't know why you bother to send me letters at all if all your going to write is things you know I can't understand. Your being so unfair to me. I blame myself of course_

_And I have to hear from Greta that you have a boyfriend! Thats so wonderful dear! Right in time for Valentines day! And I heard he's the most handsome boy in the school! Oh dear, I'm so happy you've been acting up so much recently I thought you would never get back to living your life. Are his parents married? When do I get to meet him? I HOPE YOUR BEING SENSIBLE._

I literally could not bring myself to read any more. I dropped the letter on the table, pushed my bowl away and pressed my forehead against the wood.

"Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E," I said. "Y-O-U-APOSTROPHE-R-E!"

I felt Sirius ruffle my hair, so I shoved the letter in his direction.

After a moment of silence, he said, "'_I'm so happy you've been acting up so much recently?' _That doesn't even make sense …" He was quiet again as he kept reading, probably finishing more of the letter than I had.

When I eventually lifted my head he reached out to me and said, "Oh dear, you've got milk in your hair."

I shook my head, grimacing.

"Why does Greta Catchlove send letters to your mother?" asked Remus, putting down the letter with a slight frown.

"They like to share recipes …" I muttered. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyelids until I started seeing spots.

"That's really disturbing," came Sirius's voice.

"Why does Greta Catchlove think you're dating Sirius?" asked Peter nervously.

I laughed. I loved how we all presumed that by 'most handsome boy in school' she clearly meant 'Sirius.'

"She doesn't. I'm gonna kill her."

I was wondering why I had been in such a bad mood as soon as I woke up today. IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY. I should just kill myself now.

People think that people who hate Valentine's Day are just jealous or lonely. But that's stupid. It's just a stupid fucking holiday.

"I guess I'm due a visit to Mammy Comstock," joked Sirius.

"That's not funny," I said, shoving him.

The only good part about this day was that it happened to be a Tuesday.

Sirius and I had this really cool timetable thing. He and I took almost exactly the opposite classes, except for Potions. And the good part was that everybody else had conformed by taking Charms and Ancient Runes, whereas the two of us had gone out on a limb and chosen Divination/Care of Magical Creatures and History of Magic/Muggle Studies instead. (Sirius thought Muggle Studies would piss his parents off the most. "It's not just that, it's a good subject!" he tried to convince me.) This meant that most of Sirius's friends (and Lily) would go to almost all the same classes as each other with one or two differences for each of them, and sometimes I'd have a free period with them while Sirius was in class, and sometimes Sirius would have a break with them while I was in class. But whenever everybody else was in Ancient Runes or Charms, Sirius and I had some time just the two of us.

Not that we needed time alone or anything. It was just nice. Oh my God get off my case!

This was especially good on Tuesdays, because Ancient Runes was directly before lunch and Charms was directly after lunch. And those three hours used to be torture for me, but now they were home to some of the funnest times and best conversations I'd ever had. There were too many to write down.

My plan of going to the library fell through after, maybe, a day. And by February Sirius and I had developed a routine of getting lunch early and sitting out somewhere if the weather was nice, or sitting inside somewhere if it wasn't. But it was springtime now, and the weather had been lovely for weeks.

We'd mostly just chat or read and sometimes I'd try to sketch something, which Sirius enjoyed watching for some reason. The only problem was that after hanging out for three hours somewhere, we wouldn't want to leave. And we'd spend as much time as possible _thinking _about leaving, and _talking _about leaving.

And we almost always ended up being late for that three o'clock Potions in the dungeons.

That Valentine's Day, of course, was no exception.

"And – Oho! I'm glad you decided to join us!" Slughorn practically shouted, waggling his finger at us. "Don't think I wouldn't notice you two love-birds sneaking in late to my class!"

"We're not love-birds," we automatically muttered in unison. It wasn't loud enough for Slughorn to hear, but some of the other students actually _laughed_. I definitely heard James give a short, breathless chortle.

Sirius and I didn't look at each other as we took our respective seats on opposite sides of the dungeon.

"Not to worry, not to worry! We've just begun to talk about _Amortentia_, something I'm sure everyone in this room knows a bit about. Well, don't pull that face Potter, you very well _should_ know about it because I've mentioned it a few times now! And it's no coincidence that I saved this very special potion for Valentine's Day … But be warned! Should you try to take some of this potion outside of these walls, the results could be disastrous. And that's why I've charmed all the equipment we're using, so don't get any ideas …"

I decided to spend this entire lesson with my new ELO album blaring inside of my head. Even though I didn't know all the words or anything, the music was still enough of an attempt to drown out the world. That way I could ignore the sickeningly enticing smell of the love potions as well as anything that Snape might have tried to say to me. I could just concentrate on the instructions in the textbook.

One of the problems with Amortentia was that it was unbearably tricky to get right, and when it was wrong it stunk like rotting corpses. And a lot of people in the room seemed to be getting it wrong. Except for me, which was probably almost worse.

I'm telling you, Amortentia fumes are not something you want to be inhaling when your hormones happen to be a little more heightened than any regular day of the month. (I hope you know what I'm talking about because I'm not getting into that right now.)

So, _Mister Blue Sky_ was accompanying me through the lesson, trying to keep me from losing my sanity. Surprisingly, Snape didn't actually try to wind me up. He just kept his jaw clenched and his body tensed and ignored everything around him the way I was doing. When I thought about it, that wasn't so surprising at all.

What Professor Slughorn didn't realise was that while Amortentia smells totally amazing and – oh God, I just can't describe it – it can be as bad as torture for some people.

Snape's potion was the best in the class (as usual), so when everyone was finished Slughorn made us all line up and smell his potion (to get an idea of what ours _should _smell like). This sort of thing hadn't happened since first year. Every face that walked passed my desk was flushed and slightly wild-eyed, and I saw James grab Evans and draw her into a quick hug, burying his face in her hair. For them it was OK. They liked all their lovey-dovey stuff. They were probably smelling each other, which was the most revolting part. Because apparently, Amortentia (the strongest love potion in the world) was supposed to smell different to every person, depending on what turns them on I guess. But it was truly awful having these constant, lingering aromas making you weak at the knees and having no idea where they were coming from, and trying to feel angry and hating the whole Valentine's Day thing but still being able to think of nothing other than the stupid dizzy, lusty feeling the smells were doing a fantastic job of creating. Sirius strolled past my desk and I moved to join him in the queue. "It's infuriating how good this smells," he said stiffly.

"Tell me about it."

* * *

><p>"That Amortentia stuff's a killer, right?"<p>

We were sitting outside under a tree by the lake, later that day after tea. I was too busy breathing in big gulps of oxygen and relishing the freshness of the air to care much for what James was saying. He was sitting with Lily between his legs as he hugged her from behind. She twisted her neck around to put her face close to his, looking up at him from underneath her eyelashes.

She inhaled delicately and smiled. "I could smell your hair."

No. You could smell his hair product. A thousand people must use that same shampoo. It meant nothing.

James g'aww-ed and kissed her. "And I could smell your perfume. And – strawberries and cream. And some sort of spice – cinnamon, maybe."

"You sure it wasn't ginger, mate?" asked Sirius. He was sitting by my side, I could hear him ripping the grass out of the ground. I was lying face down, stealing the oxygen as soon as it left the grass.

I glanced up at James to see him falter a little and then scoff. "_NO_!" But then he blushed.

"What did _you_ smell, Sirius?" asked Peter.

I rolled over and sat up.

"He's asexual. He didn't smell anything."

"The term is a-_romantic_," sighed Remus.

"THANK YOU!" Sirius said loudly, reaching over the slap his friend on the back.

Remus laughed and put down the book he was reading. "So what _did_ you smell?"

Sirius scratched his neck. "I'm trying to figure out what it was. There was this earthy sort of smell …" He stopped for a minute and stared at the ground with his brow furrowed. "It's like … you know the way the ground smells after it rains in summer?"

Everyone sighed in pleasure.

Sirius pursed his lips, like he was trying very hard not to let it make him smile. "And there was … newspapers."

"_Newspapers_?"

"Yeah, you know the smell of the print? That really inky smell? Oh, and freshly baked cookies," he added. "Or something. I dunno." He pushed his hair out of his eyes, sounding like he was trying to be all cool and indifferent about it.

"Oooh that's a good one," Peter chirped. He was finding this conversation especially exciting because he didn't take Potions.

"Yes. Very obscure, Sirius," commented Remus.

Sirius made a face. I stared at him. All of his aromas were so strong, the sorts of smells that you could inhale and fill your mind up with. Mine, on the other hand, were the tiniest little things you could hardly put your finger on. The pebble in your shoe. I knew exactly what they were. But why those smells came to me, I really hadn't the foggiest.

"What did _you_ smell, Holly?" asked James loudly.

I glared at him, trying not to grin because I knew what he was trying to do. I closed my eyes and rubbed my face. "Er, aniseed, and-"

"Aniseed? Like liquorice?"

"No," I said. "Like aniseed. You know Black Jacks, those Bassetts sweets?"

Every person who grew up in the Wizarding world stared at me blankly.

"Oh!" said Lily. "I know those. Urgh, I don't fancy them myself. I liked those Fruit Salad bars, though."

"Well, yeah. That's it, I think. It's strange though, it's more of a taste. And, er … museums."

"_Museums_? You mean libraries?"

"No, I mean museums," I said, grinning. "And fire."

"Fire?"

"Fire."

James pushed his glasses up his nose, thinking deeply. And I wanted to slap him because I had a feeling I knew what he was trying to come up with.

"I'd love some freshly baked cookies right now," sighed Peter.

"Hey, my mam's a baker!" I realised suddenly. Everyone seemed to freeze and stare at me. And everyone, except maybe James, was probably thinking something along the lines of;

_Holly, you really need to start thinking before you blurt things out._

I slapped myself hard in the face.

"You taking the piss?" said James, after a full two minutes of awkward silence.

I stole the quickest glance at Sirius, whose face showed no obvious traces of … anything.

"I kinda wish I was." I wasn't about to mention the fact that she made the most amazing cookies, too.

"You know what this means? You _have_ to know what this means," James said, grinning widely.

"Sirius is into older women?" I asked, my stomach twisting uncomfortably. "And he should never meet my mother, ever?"

"Very cute, Holly," he said. He was about to continue but Sirius cut in.

"Her _mother's_ a baker, Prongs. Not her. Now please just piss off."

There was a moment where the two friends glared furiously at each other while the rest of us averted our eyes awkwardly.

"Fine," said James eventually. But he did not piss off. Less than ten minutes later he came out with, "Oi, you two!"

Sirius and I looked up reluctantly.

James was laughing. "Say you're both single by the time you're forty. Would you marry each other?"

I held in a breath and closed my eyes.

"You're mental," I heard Sirius say.

"That's not an answer."

I opened my eyes. "I'm not answering that question."

James just grinned ever wider. "You won't answer because you secretly want to marry Sirius!"

"I won't answer because there's no answer I can give you that'll make you leave it alone," I said calmly.

"It's a simple question! C'mon, we're all friends here! So would you marry each other?"

Sirius glanced at me and I met his eyes, pressing my lips together.

"I'm going to go get a drink …" I said quietly, standing up.

James sat up a little, "What, shall we all go?-"

"No, don't get up – I'll just be like two minutes anyway," I said. And then I swung my bag over my shoulder and walked quickly away from the group.

I heard a loud impatient sigh and, "Merlin, I was only messing around-" from behind me. I clenched my fists and sped up a little.

I was halfway across the covered bridge when I heard jogging footsteps behind me.

"Holly!"

I spun around and Sirius stopped and walked the rest of the way towards me. He halted in front of me.

"Hey," he said breathlessly.

"Hey."

"You mind if I come along?"

"Not at all."

He looked me up and down for a moment. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing," I said casually. "I just wanted a drink."

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, fine." I smiled to try to convince him that I really was.

Sirius took a step towards me, frowning. He paused and pouted a little. "Holly. Don't you think I can tell the difference between your fake smile and your real smile?"

My face fell. I was a little lost for words.

"What's wrong? Did I do something?"

"No, of course you didn't."

"So, what? Was it those things James was saying? Because he's just being a bastard. Since when does it bother you?"

"I'm not bothered," I said quickly, and when Sirius raised his eyebrows doubtfully I went on, "Believe me, I'm not pissed off. And I'm not upset. I just … didn't like that conversation. I got uncomfortable so I ran away. It's kind of what I do."

"Why didn't you just say so in the first place?" asked Sirius, a slight edge in his voice.

"I dunno, OK? I can't handle these things well. I've had friends before, you know, and in groups like this it's always the same. I hate it. It's pressure, Sirius! I get claustrophobic! And now I can't believe that I can't even walk away from a bloody conversation without everyone thinking I'm angry with them!"

Sirius was shaking his head. "But you can't just walk away from every uncomfortable situation, Holly. It doesn't work like that."

"Yeah, I know that _now_. But … But that was what I liked about being on my own, you know? I used to be able to act however I wanted! When I had no friends I never had to tiptoe around anyone just so that they wouldn't think I was pissed off when I'm _not_! It didn't matter how I acted, because I didn't have to worry about not hurting people's feelings all the time! I didn't have to care. I hate it! It's so much effort."

"You hate being friends with us?" said Sirius. His eyes were blazing a little.

"I – That's not what I meant."

"Well, stop. Would you just listen to yourself?" he demanded, his voice rising. "You're not on your own any more. And do you even know _why_ you're supposed to care about not hurting people's feelings? It's because you're supposed to care about the _people,_ Holly. You're supposed to care about your friends. But maybe you don't."

I didn't say anything. This was starting to sound like a fight. I didn't like fights. I couldn't handle fights. So I didn't say anything, just stared back at Sirius as his chest rose and fell rapidly.

He blinked at my silence. "Bloody hell, Holly," he breathed.

"I do care, Sirius! Of course I care!" I said quickly, realising that silence wasn't going to work. I couldn't hide from this.

"You have a funny way of showing it," he muttered through clenched teeth.

Again, I just didn't say anything. Oh shit, I was having a fight with Sirius. Where was this coming from?

"Feel free to walk away if this is making you uncomfortable," Sirius said harshly. "… You know, I used to think that it was amazing how you handled things. You're awkward but at the same time you always seemed so calm and collected and not bothered, but now I've realised it. I've never seen you properly angry or upset, but then I've never really seen you especially _happy _either. Sure you're always smiling and laughing, and you catch glimpses of it sometimes, but most of the time it's just not there. You just feel guilty – and anxious – and tired, all the time. And those aren't even real feelings! And now I understand why you're always keeping me at a slight distance, never committing to having friends and never putting yourself out there. You pretend it's because you don't care about having friends, but it's not. It's because you're scared." His voice was tremulous with emotion now. "You're just scared and lonely. But you can't just hide from every uncomfortable situation, no matter how scary it is, or how much you might get hurt in the end! So maybe I get angry, and maybe I get upset, but at least I can _feel _it, Holly. And I'd rather be like this than like you. If you disagree, just say it."

I kept my silence, feeling tears prick my eyes. But I was NOT about to cry. Stupid hormones. Stupid fucking day. Stupid covered bridge was cursed for Sirius getting angry at me!

He was right up in my face so that I had to bend my neck back to look at him. And he wasn't shouting but talking in a low, pale voice that made it all the worse. He looked down on me, and I noticed his eyes were glistening a little, too. He clenched his teeth, the muscle in his jaw going again. "Are you going to say _anything_?"

I only trusted myself to get out one word. "No." But even that cracked a little.

Sirius shook where he stood. His mouth fell open a little. And I tried to keep looking at his face but my eyes were getting wetter. I blinked back the tears. I knew that he must have known how close I was to falling apart, and he searched my eyes with his own for a long moment.

"No." He inhaled and exhaled ragged breaths and took a step back from me. "Why don't you tell me I'm wrong! Tell me I'm not so perfect either! Say ANYTHING!"

I pursed my lips to stop them trembling and shook my head blearily. I couldn't disagree with him because he was completely right. I couldn't say he wasn't perfect because he was. He was emotional, and fearless, and caring, and perfect.

"WHY IS IT SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT WITH ME?" he shouted.

I swallowed thickly, and eventually broke the eye contact by looking down at my feet.

Sirius tapped his foot. "Fine," he said after a moment. He straightened himself up and shoved his fists into his pockets. He leaned towards me slightly, then seemed to think better of it and stepped away. "I didn't want to marry you anyway."

I glanced up but he was already striding away from me, his usually straight shoulders hunched and his shirt all untucked from his vest and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He took one of his hands out of his pockets to run it over his face and through his hair. And as I watched him disappear off the bridge onto the grounds, my whole body shuddered and then my vision started to blur. I took a great gulp of air and looked around, because people were staring at me.

Needless to say it did not take me 'two minutes' to get a drink and return to the group. As a matter of fact, I didn't return at all. But even when I was safely back in the Hufflepuff girls' dormitory, I refused to let the tears fall.

I was completely convinced that that was the end of my fleeting friendship with the Marauders. And to me it seemed like just another reason to be alone. Because one day, people will realise that you're not a very good friend at all. And they'll really break your heart for it.


	22. Schadenfreude

AN

200 reviews! Wahey!

I kind of got obsessed with reviews and numbers and hits for a while there, but then it hit me. 200 is a bloody big number.

Anyways, just _thank you_. And it's like, I _do_ realise that Sirius and Holly are friends now and everyone _understands_ the fact that they're friends and stuff and OH MY GAWWD just GET TO THE ROMANCE ALREADY! But like, it's Holly's story, and she's telling it the way she wants to tell it. So of course she's going to emphasise the friendship, because the friendship is what means so much to her. For now, anyway ;) But, still, I'm not about to write twenty more chapters about their friendship. Neither shall I tell the story in any way other than Holly's way just because people want to cut to the romance already.

It's a little odd, actually. It's like I just _know_ the story and all I can do is tell it as best I possibly can. I don't even always know why the characters act the way they do, I just interpret it the way Holly would! It all feels very scarily real to me. Yay for me being a total saddo!

At this point, it's like … we're coming up to the end guys. So bear with me while I tie up some loose ends …

xD

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Twenty-Two -<strong>

**Schadenfreude**

It rained for a week straight. In my misery, I took that to be very symbolic.

OK, so at the time I was never EVER going to admit that I was completely torn up. But looking back on it now, I have no problem whatsoever in saying it.

I was in bits.

It would have been better if I had just let myself cry then, instead of torturing myself by holding it in.

But, you know, it had been a nice little fling. Now that it was over I wasn't going to look back on it. I was totally over it. I didn't think about the … _incident_ on Valentine's Day (which I might have referred to as The Valentine's Day Incident or VDI if I was thinking about it enough. Which I wasn't, so I didn't.) And it wasn't because I felt my throat close up whenever it entered my head. That wasn't it at all. That didn't even happen, obviously, because I was over it. I didn't think about it because it was in the _past_.

The old piece of parchment hadn't moved from the drawer where I had left it before the VDI, and my diary and books and tarot cards were stuffed into a box underneath my bed. And it wasn't because I couldn't bear to look at them or anything. It was because …

You know what? It doesn't even matter.

Stuff it.

None of the Marauders tried to talk to me. Nothing I hadn't expected, of course. (It was in the PAST.) I went back to my old habit of not looking at people's faces and not really talking to anyone. Remus turned around to me in Arithmancy to ask about the work once or twice, the way he used to when I still called him Lupin. There was one occasion where James bumped into me accidentally on the way into Potions;

Me: (automatically) Sorry.

James: Oh-

He sort of stopped when he realised the awkwardness of the moment. He looked at me for a split second with his mouth open, then he pressed his lips together in a small, sad smile. I gave him a polite little nod.

And this did not make pangs of guilt and regret turn my stomach over. It really didn't bother me at all.

I always knew it couldn't last. Nothing lasts.

So anyway, I was suddenly back in my old routine. Eating. Sleeping. Going to classes. Going to the library. Sleeping some more. Eating some more.

Alone.

Oh, and dying inside. I almost forgot that one.

…

That lasted for a week. Soon enough it was Tuesday again. I wasn't looking forward to those three hours before Potions that I used to share with …

But I wasn't thinking about it. I was _trying_ not to think about it.

I didn't get an early lunch (NOT because I thought _he_ might be in the Great Hall, I just wasn't especially hungry) but instead went straight outside.

The rain had finally cleared up, but I didn't think of this as symbolic because I still felt the same. I use the term 'felt' loosely here, unless you count feeling bleak and grey as a feeling. Which I don't really. I couldn't _feel_ anything. I couldn't remember the last time I actually felt something.

And I did not push this train of thought from my mind because it reminded me of the VDI. I pushed it from my mind because I was not wallowing. I was not miserable. I was perfectly … void?

Void.

I sat down on the balustrade of the viaduct with my History of Magic book. The sun was warm and tingled my skin, and I ended up taking off my jumper and rolling up the sleeves of my blouse because it was so nice out. The sun was behind the castle so there wasn't a glare, and I lay down and closed my eyes for a while. The open book was abandoned, lying across my stomach. I crossed my ankles and gave a tiny sigh.

I wasn't sure, but maybe this was happiness. Something like it anyway. I was fairly content. I thought I was, at least. Until I began to think of …

I screwed my eyes shut tighter, as I realised that I could never feel content as long as my stomach was still screwed up in knots, and I couldn't eat, and couldn't sleep, and couldn't think straight, and if I still had to _wonder_ what happiness felt like. It shouldn't be that difficult. I should just _know_.

All I knew in that moment was that I had been a hell of a lot closer to happiness when I was spending my time with Sirius than I had ever been before.

And this realisation was not in the past. It was very, very present.

Oh Christ.

I realised that I might have been a little – just the _tiniest_ bit – torn up over the Valentine's Day Incident.

And it was there on the viaduct, while reminding myself not to fall asleep in the sun, that I heard the footsteps approach. I kept my eyes shut, because I presumed that it was some random kid walking past on their way to the courtyard. The noise sounded like good shoes kicking slightly at the ground as they strolled, and my heart seemed to flip because they reminded me of-

But don't be ridiculous, Holly. You can't tell it's _him_ just from the sound of his footsteps. And he doesn't want to talk you anyway. He's never going to want to talk to you.

But when the steps got closer and then stopped beside my head, I didn't care if I was being ridiculous. I simply knew it was him.

I opened my eyes and blinked in the sunlight, my heart racing a little from nerves. And I opened my mouth to burst out an apology-

But as my eyes adjusted to the light I realised that, as a rule, I shouldn't jump to conclusions. It wasn't Sirius at all.

It was Aubrey.

"Hi there," he said.

"Hiya." I sat up and looked up at him, closing the book and balancing it on my knees. He smiled down at me.

I would have smiled back at him if I thought I was still capable of smiling.

After a moment's silence I asked, "Shouldn't you be in Ancient Runes?"

"I thought I'd take a study break," he replied.

"You're clearly using the time wisely," I said. He smiled again. I knew he wasn't going to sit down, because he was a bit like me in that way. And then my heart started to beat a little faster. "I'm sorry I've never tried very hard to be a real friend to you. I don't really know how to be a good friend so I thought it would be better that way. But still. I'm just sorry."

He glanced at me and then looked around for a moment or two. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you when you were in the Hospital Wing," he said. "I was never much of a friend either."

I just nodded, because it was easier than anything else. Aubrey turned his head and squinted off in the direction of the far courtyard.

"I should probably get going to the library …" he said quietly.

"Yeah. I'm probably going to stay here."

He nodded distractedly like he hadn't expected me to come anyway. "Bye, Holly."

"See you, Bertram."

He opened his mouth in surprise, and then grinned. I smiled back at him, finding that it wasn't so hard after all.

I lay back down and rested the book across my stomach and listened to his footsteps as they faded away. But after a minute he seemed to turn around abruptly and come back, walking a little more slowly this time. He stopped by my head again.

I kept my eyes closed, because even though I was trying to be a better friend and all, I still wasn't really in the mood for talking. So I waved blindly instead.

He didn't say anything, just stood there for a moment. Then he moved to sit down on the balustrade behind my head.

Neither of us said anything, and then it suddenly hit me that if I was trying to be a better friend I would have to stop being self-centred and start now. Like, _right now_.

So I opened my eyes, and leaned my head back to see him.

Again with the jumping and the conclusions and the rule of not doing that ever! Because it wasn't Aubrey.

For only a split second Sirius met my eyes. He pushed his lips together in a tight smile, and then looked away, his grey eyes searching out over the valley. My heart clenched as I looked at him upside-down. It was one of those rare times when I would be the one examining his face meticulously while he looked around, oblivious. And after a while he noticed me studying him. He swallowed slightly and then studied me back.

My head was starting to spin a little from being upside-down, so I sat up.

But I got up too quickly and my History of Magic book slipped, and bounced off the stone wall, and then, to my absolute horror, fell right off the edge of the viaduct.

I jumped to the edge of the balustrade, staring as the book fell a couple of hundred feet, the pages flapping in the wind and scraps of parchment flying out all over the place.

I turned to Sirius with wide, shocked eyes and he stared at me.

And you might think that now we would suddenly burst out laughing, and then we'd keep laughing and wouldn't be able to stop and then suddenly everything would be all right between us, and then later on when we were forty we'd just get married and then we would realise that we loved each other very much indeed and live happily ever after forever and ever until the end of time.

Well, sorry, but that's stupid. Things like that don't happen in real life. Not to us, anyway.

I gave a nervous laugh and said, "Doesn't matter!" and he widened his eyes and laughed a little awkwardly, too.

And then we stared at each other. I was chewing my lip and he hugged his knees loosely. After what felt like an hour or so, he coughed and said, "So … James thought I should apologise to you."

"James thought you should apologise to me?" I repeated. Not angrily or anything. My comprehension levels were just a little low at this moment in time. Also, I had just noticed that he looked like he had forgotten to shave again. I literally hadn't looked at him or anywhere near him for a week. It was just the slightest bit of ruggedness added to his jaw (not that he needed it).

He was driving me crazy.

Sirius blew out his cheeks. "Well, I mean …" He stopped and lowered his knees so that he was sort of crossing his legs, and then he became very interested in his shoes. He rubbed at the leather as if it was a magic lamp.

I just watched him and suddenly he looked up, his eyes really wide and blurted out, "I was completely out of line!" He let go off his shoes and leaned forwards. "I'm so sorry, Holly. I am so _so_ sorry."

I took this massive gulp of air and said, "No. You – no, you weren't. I don't … I'm not a very happy person, Sirius," I said quickly. "Well, no. I could be. Maybe I _am_ scared to let myself be happy. Because I'm definitely scared, Sirius. I'm scared out of my bloody mind. And you shouldn't be sorry because _I_ am sorry." Right then I wanted very much not to start blubbing but it was proving to be a challenge.

He shuffled towards me and said softly, "OK, it was really crappy of me to say those things. Even if they happen to be true," he coughed a little and I grinned, "well, I mean, I can hardly blame _you_ for those things. I wasn't being a good friend. If you're scared then I'm supposed to be the one to help you through."

I blinked up at him. He knit his eyebrows a little as he met my eyes.

"So you take as much time as you need, Holly," he said, his voice growing smaller as he spoke, and I felt myself choking up too. "However long you need, I'll be here waiting. I'll always be here for you when you drop your purse, you know? I'll be here to help you pick up your weird-looking little coins-"

And that's when I began to cry.

And for a few seconds I really despised myself more than I ever had before in my whole life. I was so weak. And I kind of wanted Sirius to push me away from him in disgust, and to shout at me and tell me to get a grip of myself and not be such a girl about it. Or even to just groan and say, "Oh for goodness sake don't cry."

But, of course, Sirius didn't do that at all.

He just smiled softly and put his arms around me and drew me into him and let me sob against his chest. And I really cried my little heart out.

I hadn't cried like this for years. I mean, the last time I cried was before the OWLs and there was this one tiny question in Arithmancy that was a dead cert for the exams, but no matter how many times I studied the theory I got the question wrong every time. But that was frustration. Now I was literally _weeping_, and my tears were soaking up the front Sirius's woollen sleeveless pullover which he wore as his uniform because he was just that amazing.

And when I apologised for basically wiping my nose all over his shirt he just laughed and told me I didn't need to apologise to him, and he patted my hair and squeezed my shoulders. I hugged him around his middle and pressed my head against his chest. And he was so hard but not muscular and soft but not meaty and he just felt so _good_. And I know what you're thinking. But he didn't smell like museums or like fire, and as far as I could remember he never tasted like Black Jacks. He just smelled like a boy and like a man all at once, and it was just really _good. _And I realised that it was the first time we ever hugged. And I hadn't been hugged like this in forever.

And when he kissed the top of my head I pulled away from the hug and looked up at him and said, "Oh God. I look so ugly right now."

And he wiped the tears from my cheek with his fingers and said, "You're looking pretty foxy to me." And I burst out into that gasping tearful laughter, and he grinned down at me all smug-like.

And again, you might think that this would be the perfect moment for him to move his hand slightly on my face, and then he might get a little crinkle between his eyebrows as he looked into my eyes. His hand might gently slip down to my neck and inch towards my hair, and then I'd realise that his eyes had moved from my eyes to my lips. And then my eyes would widen ever so slightly, and after a tense moment everything would seem so simple and we'd just close the distance between us …

Ha, but you should realise by now that this story doesn't go that way. Not yet. I still didn't want to kiss him, really. I honestly didn't. And that's not sarcasm.

So instead, he just looked away from my face and whipped a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to me. Sirius was the type of bloke that you could rely on to always have a hanky handy. And I hid my face in it until I thought that the wet red swollen ugliness might have gone down a bit. And then I dropped it and looked at him and I said, "There's something I need to tell you."

There was the little crinkle between his eyebrows. He looked at me in confusion but said, "OK."

I closed my eyes lightly and breathed. "I do care about you Sirius."

"I know," he said softly.

I took in a deep breath. "Dunno if you've noticed but I don't have a huge amount of friends." He smiled a little but didn't say anything. "And … well … You're _kinda_ the best one I've got."

He wrapped his arm back around my shoulder and pressed his forehead against mine. "And I like _you_ about as much as I like Peter-" he began with a smirk, and I drew back and slapped him.

"Sirius! You can't say that!"

"What?" he exclaimed.

"He's supposed to be your best friend! For ages!"

"All right, all right, I was joking! I love Pete, he's just too easy to slag. But seriously, I mean, they've been my best friends for years, but you're my best friend too. It's the same, but it's different. I don't know. I feel really really good right now," he said, as if it had just come upon him all of a sudden. "Do you have any more books I could read?"

"Yeah, they're stuffed under my bed with a diary and some tarot cards that have been torturing me for a week!"

He kept his arm around my shoulders and grinned at me, and I wiped my face again.

"God, you're really enjoying this, aren't you? You and your schadenfreude."

Sirius barked. "A wise person once told me that you shouldn't keep things bottled up." I pulled a face. "And I think she should really start following her own advice."

"Oh."

"It's like I only realised that you weren't being stubborn and not talking to me because you didn't _want_ to talk to me. It was because you really felt like we weren't going to make up at all."

"Yeah, I did think that! But then I realised that this is an adult relationship, and one fight isn't going to come between us, you know? Merlin I sound like a sap!"

"Awh, but you're learning!"

We just hugged again for a while, which was surprisingly enjoyable.

We were EARLY for Potions that day. Sirius was smiling and I don't know what it was but I couldn't wipe this stupid grin off my face as we joined the crowd heading into the dungeons.

James was sitting at their usual table already, conducting a largely one-sided conversation with Remus. He glanced up and saw us walk in together and immediately got that stag-caught-in-headlights look that suited him so well. And then he pretended to fall off his chair.

He jumped up to his feet, grinning like a mentaller and gestured at the two us and then gave us a cheery thumbs up.

"Oh my GOD," said Sirius quickly, and pushed me off in the direction of my seat without another word.

I always said that I'd read over the instructions before going to Potions, but I never did. I was bent over my textbook when a slip of parchment fell gently onto the page.

_You know what he was thinking, right?_

I recognised Sirius's scrawl anywhere. His writing looked like it might have been perfectly neat at one point before he got lazy and wasn't arsed any more. I glanced up at him, to see him leaning his chair back on two legs and already smiling at me a little creepily, his wand out.

_?_

I couldn't think of anything witty to write (it had been an emotional day, OK?) so I had just taken out my wand to send the note back to him. When I looked back over he was sitting upright at his desk again.

And then I looked back at the parchment where fresh words were already starting to appear.

_He thought that we had kissed and made up._

… _Emphasis on the 'kissed.'_

I stared at the paper in wonder and then hurriedly wrote a simple, _Ah_.

_Him: Yes, he's very disappointed._

_Me: How are you _doing_ this? With the parchment?_

_Him: Something called MAGIC, Holly, you should really try it sometime._

_Me: This is so amazing?_

_He: So … About what James thought?_

_Me: What about it?_

_Him: Well … What do you think?_

I stared at his words and my heart stopped just a little. I looked up and stared at him in a what-the-bloody-hell-are-you-on-about sort of way, cocking my head quizzically.

Across the room, he rolled his eyes and bent over his desk again.

_Him: Holly, my love?_

_Me: … Er, yeah? Sirius, my friend who's really beginning to scare me?_

_Him: Har har._

… _What do you say … we have a bit of fun … with our good friend Jimmy?_

* * *

><p>AN again!<p>

Mwahaha … I think I could continue this forever just because I love it so much. But I can't do that. I think **thirty** chapters is gonna do it … Ah! Please review and let me know how long I can let this burn before you will all literally stop reading :) Haha, kidding, I hope the chapter was OK anyway. So, some loose ends and random bits and then yeah! Romance! I'm excited! Goodbye now! :D


	23. Welcome to the Rest of Our Lives

**- Chapter Twenty-Three -**

**Patronus (****Welcome to the Rest of Our Lives)**

"Aren't we just the luckiest chaps in the entire school, eh Prongs? Eh?"

James turned his face away from Lily's, the side of his glasses brushing against her freckled face. "Er … why's that?"

"Because," Sirius said brightly, his face uncomfortably close to mine as he turned to look lovingly into my eyes. "We're dating the two most beautiful ladies in the whole wide world."

It was almost impossible to stop myself laughing. Sirius and I had been keeping this up for the last three days. It was all the funnier because Sirius was half using his James-voice for it, and he had suddenly become an adamant believer in true love and fate and lots and lots of physical contact.

And I was just good at playing along with things, I think.

"And don't _we_ have the most charming boyfriends in the whole wide world, eh Lily?" I giggled.

By charming boyfriends, I meant arrogant smarmy gits.

"That's me all right," drawled Sirius in a voice that sounded like it was trying to be sexy. What Sirius didn't seem to fully comprehend was that he didn't need to put it on.

"You are so full of it," I tittered. And I meant that one.

His arm tightened around my shoulder, bringing our faces even closer together. How I managed to keep a straight face, I'll never know.

"You love me really," he purred.

"Do NOT!" I scoffed automatically. And then tried to conceal my cock-up by pushing him playfully. The blush did not have to be put on.

"You SO love me," he half-yelled, clinging to my waist and dragging me even closer to him, so that I was practically in his lap.

I pursed my lips, giving him what I hoped was a flirtatious glare. People glare flirtatiously, right? "Yeah, well … what if I do?"

"Well, I, er-" he began uncertainly. Then he raised one eyebrow. "Well, then maybe I'd just have to tell you that I … that I love you, too."

"And I would have to … find that very interesting." Oh, lame.

We both glanced around. Lily was just staring at us blankly. There was a sliver of bacon fat hanging from James mouth and his glasses had slipped halfway down his nose. The hazel eyes that peered over the square rims were round and looked highly disturbed.

Because they were the ones to talk.

Sirius laughed loudly and we turned back to each other. He put his face close to my ear on the pretence of pecking my cheek, and whispered, "Too much?"

"I. May. Vomit. Everywhere," I replied without moving my lips. I ignored the worrying fact that shivers had just run all down my spine from his breath and – OH MY GOD why don't I just grab another crumpet …

He laughed again (a really haunting, unnatural laugh that every cell in my body loathed to hell) and turned to his breakfast. I smirked at him and squeezed his thigh, trying my best to make it hurt. And sure enough, he jerked back and barely concealed a grimace.

"Well, er … Lily and I were going to head into Hogsmeade for the day," interjected James uncomfortably. "You two wanna join us or anything?"

Sirius made a big display of wanting to speak and hurrying to chew his toast by holding his fork in the air and waving his arms dramatically. He swallowed hard and then loudly exclaimed, "You think we would willingly go into Hogsmeade with the pair of-"

I touched Sirius's arm and interrupted his rant with a loud giggle. "I think James meant as a double-date, honey bunny."

Sirius stared at me. "Oh. Right. I knew that."

_You think we would willingly go into Hogsmeade with the pair of you so that we can be the ultimate third and fourth wheels and watch you snog over your tea in Madam Puddifoot's?_ was what I guessed Sirius was probably going to say.

I looked at James and Lily, who had stood up from the Gryffindor table. "I think we'll be missing out on this one. _Unfortunately_," I said, coughing slightly to mask the unintentional sarcasm.

"Later, then," said James worriedly, and then they both legged it out of the Great Hall.

Sirius and I looked at each other and burst out in laughter.

"How about we all go down to the kitchens?" suggested Sirius eagerly, looking to Remus for agreement.

I had sort of guessed that Remus knew that Sirius and I were only taking the piss. They had exchanged a couple of odd glances, and I had caught Remus rolling his eyes at James a couple of times, with the slightest of smiles when Sirius and I did something especially revolting and adorable. So I presumed they would have no problem over third and fourth wheels, because all of us there were unattached. (If anything _I _would be the fourth wheel.)

"Actually, I was sort of planning to go to the library," Remus said quietly.

"What? But-" Sirius began, but he stopped short with a look from his friend.

Remus smiled. "I've been taking it way too easily recently. I really have to study, Padfoot."

"What Moony means by 'taking it easy' is that he's been doing his homework outside in the fresh air and sunshine rather than in a stuffy library," Sirius retorted venomously.

"Sorry. How about later on?"

Sirius stabbed moodily at his pudding. Remus stood up from the table. Peter twitched.

"What about you?" demanded Sirius, with a little too much heat.

Peter looked nervous and glanced quickly back and forth between his two friends. "I – I think I should – should go study …"

Sirius stared at him with his jaw clenched.

"At least you've got Holly?" suggested Peter hopefully. I smiled sicklily to myself.

Sirius didn't look back up from his breakfast. "Yeah. No, it's fine. You two go. Fine with me. Great." He took a long drink from his goblet.

"See yas," I said to Remus and Peter, as they shot me apologetic glances before turning away.

Sirius looked up once they were out of the door. He stared after them for a moment. "Well, Holly," he said dully, "welcome to the rest of our lives."

* * *

><p><em>Welcome to the rest of our lives<em>.

Something about his last comment stuck in my head. At first it just seemed like an ironic jibe at the little role-play we had been acting out, but when I thought about it I began to think it was more complicated than that. After all, Sirius and I were alone. And we shouldn't have been, as far as I could gather. When I brought up the third and fourth wheels excuse, Sirius replied, "Oh for Christ's sake, you don't actually think any of them believe us, do you?" and I said, "Then WHY ON EARTH are we still doing this?" and he looked at me and pointed a finger at his chest and said, "Because Sirius Black does not give in." So if Remus and Peter knew we were bluffing, then their decision not to stick around was more than just a desire not to watch an atrocious amount of lovey-dovey crap. So, of course I presumed to believe them when they said they simply wanted to study.

I thought about the four Marauders. At first, I'd mostly shrugged off the undeniable fact that I had spent months without ever once encountering all four of them together. It had been just James and Sirius whenever I was involved in the beginning.

And now it was only Sirius.

"What do you think about Evans?"

Sirius was carving something into the wood of one of the long wooden tables in the kitchens. He didn't look up when he spoke.

Then I noticed that he always called her Evans when James wasn't there.

"I actually like her," I said honestly. "Which is surprising, because I don't usually go in for the gorgeous, intelligent, sweet and savvy Head Girl sort. Why – What do you think of her?"

Sirius frowned at me for a long moment, his brow furrowed. "Oh, well if you forget the fact that she as good as stole my best friend from me, then-"

He stopped, clenched his teeth, and looked away. I rested my elbow on the table and leaned my face into my hand.

I was starting to think that we couldn't get by with each other unless one of us had some problem or other. One of our minds always had to be burdened.

Sirius took a deep breath and stood up. "This year was supposed to be so great, you know? Final year at Hogwarts, endless nights of shit to get up to, pranks to pull, adventures to be had! But it's just turned into this. Sitting here with you, no Marauders in sight. No offence or anything."

"None taken!"

"We're nothing like the Marauders we used to be." He kicked grudgingly at the nearest chair. "Remus spends every second of his free time in the library, and Peter just scurries after him because he knows he will literally fail if he doesn't. So it was just me and James for a bit, which wasn't bad. But it still wasn't the same. And now, to make matters worse … I'm not blaming Evans or anything. But … well, I mean, it is all her fault."

I watched him as he paced the floor, his hands deep in the pockets of his trousers.

"You asked me before – donkeys years ago – if I resented the fact that James wastes so much time and energy on her." I stared blankly at him, and he sat down in front of me. "We were sitting right here. Remember?"

And then I did remember. We were drinking milk and eating freshly baked cookies and I was beyond panicky in his presence.

"Do you remember what my answer was?" Sirius asked me sternly.

"'He's my best friend,'" I said quietly.

"Exactly. And nothing's going to change that. But if I'm being honest, it was really bloody irritating."

I knew he had seemed a little too down that night. Didn't I say he looked like he was comfort eating? Didn't I say it! It must have been really hard for him, when his mates all went to the library and got girlfriends and left him behind. It must be hard still. (Well, he did have me now. But I'm not sure how much that counts for.)

And even before that, ever since third year when James started asking her out, and planning ways to make her fall madly in love with him, and probably never shutting up about her. And him being Head Boy probably didn't help the Marauders keep their routine of mischief-making either.

"And then when you did all your crystal ball stuff and you said that they were _going to get married, _it just hit me_. _But it's happening too soon! And now it's like I don't even get to hang out with him any more! Because I don't want to watch them making speccy ginger babies in front of my eyes twenty-four hours a day! I don't want to share him with her!

"I guess I always just presumed, I suppose, that the four of us would always be together. But he's gonna get married now. And Remus is so great I'm sure he'll find someone, too. Even considering … And Peter – Well, some girl will take pity on him or something. Sorry – good kid, that Peter. And I'm planning on being a permanent bachelor, you know? I thought I'd at least get to hang out with them everyday, but now I can just imagine sitting alone in my flat every night and drinking myself into a stupor."

He pouted a little and ran both his hands wearily through his hair.

"And maybe I had already realised that things would change after we left school. But we haven't even left yet, and _everything's _changed. I hate it, I really do."

He met my eyes with a heavy sigh. "If it helps," I said, "the baby I saw had black hair. The probability of ginge-" I shut up when he glowered at me.

He groaned and slid his elbow across the table towards me, his head resting in his palm. He looked up at me with the most incredible puppy-dog eyes. "I'm bloody lucky I have you, I reckon."

I laughed but stopped when I realised he was being serious. I was about to observe that I was pretty much just a Marauder substitute, when he said,

"I'm basically just replacing them with you, you know."

"Well you sure know how to make a girl feel special."

"Sorry, I was only joking."

"I know you were."

"I know you knew."

I smiled a little to myself.

"I don't actually _want_ to dislike Evans. But it's stupid. I feel like some girl who's jealous of her because she stole the bloke I fancy or something."

"Sirius. Do you fancy James?" I asked solemnly.

"No I bloody well don't! I mean, even if I was a queer it would just be weird, because he's my mate."

"Sirius. Are you a queer?"

"You know for a fact that I'm not!"

"I know, sorry, I was kidding!"

"Yeah, I know you were."

"I know you knew."

"I know you …" he started, and then grinned at me.

His elbow had stretched so that his chin was now resting on the table, his fingers tangled up in his hair. I patted his shoulder in comfort. His eyes flicked between both of mine for a moment or two and then he sat up and rubbed the collar of the black shirt he was wearing underneath a pinstripe waistcoat. After a moment of appreciating the attractiveness of a good waistcoat, I looked behind him to see a shabby grey cat slinking towards us from the far end of the kitchens.

When it jumped into Sirius's lap and rubbed itself against him, he said, "And what do you think you're doing here, Greymalkin?" as if he was talking to – oh, I don't know – an ACTUAL PERSON?

After a moment of being entranced by the cat, he suddenly asked, "You don't have an owl, do you?"

"No, just a cat with whom I share a mutual indifference."

"So how are you going to write me when we leave school?"

I paused. I hadn't been thinking much of what would happen after our exams. I had just mindlessly presumed we'd lose contact. But then it hit me. I didn't _want_ to lose contact. I really didn't. "There's a thing called the Post Office, Sirius-" He glared at me. "Couldn't I just use your owl?"

"But what if she's busy sending a letter to James or Remus or – oh who am I kidding I'll never be writing to Peter."

"How often are you planning to write me, Sirius?"

"I'm going to repeat this. All alone, and drinking myself into a stupor."

I grinned, feeling marginally loved. Then I got a brainwave. "Or you could just get a telephone. Then we could talk whenever!"

"A telephone, eh? I know what that is," he added proudly. "I would have no clue where to buy one of those."

"I'll buy you one! Actually, no. I'm the one still living at home here."

"OR I could just buy you an owl."

"Don't you dare buy me anything!"

"Oh come on, I'm fairly sure I've got enough money to support myself for the rest of my life. Or …" He froze, his hand in mid-air between pets of the cat. "You know, you could just-" He stopped himself again, staring at nothing over my shoulder.

"What?" I said. "I could just what?"

He wrinkled his brow and looked down at the cat instead of at me. "We'll just have to see each other, you know."

I narrowed my eyes, vaguely aware that that wasn't what he was going to say. But I decided not to push it.

"Well, that successfully distracted me from depression for a few minutes there." Then he suddenly stopped and blurted out, "Snape! Evans used to be mates with Snivellus! What the bloody hell was that about?"

I placed my hand on top of his arm and said, "Sirius. Do you. Want me. To make. Some cookies."

He looked at me, his eyes wide. "We could – I mean, the House Elves would do it if I asked-" he started nervously, as if I had just suggested doing something very naughty.

"My mam has this really great recipe. And I'd let you lick the spoon."

He stared at me hotly for a moment and then gave me a fleeting hug, making the cat mew angrily and jump off him. "You really know how to make me feel better," he said, grinning widely into my hair.

"All right, don't get overexcited!"

He abandoned the cat and followed me as I went to find ingredients and an oven. He sat down on the table, his feet up on the bench.

After a moment he said, "Er … You know that Amortentia thing …"

"I really wasn't reading into it, Sirius," I said hastily, not turning around. "That stuff screws with your head."

"Right. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say."

I realised that I was still thinking about it ten minutes later. With the bowl at my hip I turned around and said, "You know, I think the worst part for me was that _feeling_ it gives you. Like there's a part of you missing."

"I know what you mean," he said quickly. He leaned against his knees. "I don't appreciate that feeling. I like to think I'm quite whole, thank you very much."

He frowned and stared at the floor near my feet. I continued beating the mixture as I watched him.

He was getting fidgety while the cookies were baking and I started to think that my presence and the smell of baking cookies might not be a good mix. But then I realised how utterly stupid that was. It was _Sirius_.

When he took the first bite he groaned in pleasure and said, "I still don't want to marry you or anything. But I really fucking love you, Holly."

* * *

><p>I was beginning to notice something.<p>

And this was it:

The most important conversations seem to happen at breakfast.

"Hey, Pete!" I said, sliding into the bench opposite him at the Gryffindor table.

"Oh, hi Holly!" he replied. He looked surprised to see me, and it took half a second for me to realise why.

We both sat in silence for a long moment. I examined the lines in the wooden table. Then we glanced at each other, and laughed sort of nervously, and looked away again.

Oh my GOD what is this?

"Oh, were you wondering where James and Sirius were?" he asked hurriedly.

"No," I answered just as hurriedly. "I was actually just going to say hi. But then I sat down for some reason. And now I'm being incredibly awkward. Oh God …" I began to laugh.

Peter rubbed his head nervously with short little fingers and laughed too.

"I know you and Sirius aren't dating," he said randomly, not without a hint of pride. Not just a hint, actually. It was all over his excited, beaming face.

"Yeah, I reckoned you might," I said, laughing.

"I don't actually understand it, though …"

"It's really quite simple, mate."

"Oh! Whatever it is, it seems far from simple!"

I blinked in surprise and opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't figure out how exactly to respond to that.

Nervously (as if we had changed roles) I asked, "Well, how do you think it seems?"

"Well, I dunno!" he said defensively. "I think you like him. Wait, no, I think you like each other. It seems like the whole friendship thing is just you two trying to prove a point or something." I gaped at him, and he quickly said, "But I don't know anything about it at all, really …"

"I don't want to go out with him," I said, sounding very sure of myself. "I don't actually want to go out with anyone. Not right now, at least." I realised it was the truth while it was still coming out of my mouth. I was just getting the hang of friendship. The last thing I needed was worrying about having a boyfriend! And this was beyond me and Sirius, by the way. This was universally speaking for all boys.

He shrugged his shoulders upwards as he inhaled, and then suddenly he became fully animated again. "You know, I think it's like a snowball!" I raised my eyebrows at him and he clasped his hands. "You know, it starts off as this small thing and then it keeps rolling down the hill, getting bigger and bigger, until it becomes so much bigger and so different that you can hardly remember what the point of it was in the first place!"

I stared at him. "Are we still talking about me and Sirius here?"

He leaned forwards a little, his voice coming in a loud whisper. "In the beginning, you both didn't want to date each other, but now you're just getting closer and closer to him and all of a sudden it's this monster snowball and it's like you can't remember why you didn't want to date him in the first place!"

"I didn't want to date him in the first place because I knew he doesn't date and I knew I never had a chance with him," I said immediately. Then I added, "Plus the not-wanting-a-boyfriend thing I mentioned …"

"Do you still think you don't have a chance with him?"

I stopped. "What?"

He raised his small blue eyes to stare at me, making them very round. "Do you still think you don't have a chance with Sirius?"

"Well … he still doesn't date," I got out.

Peter pursed his lips in thought. "I'd say you have a chance. He's mad into you!"

"Well, doesn't matter!" I said with a grin, pointing at him cheerfully. "Because I still don't want a boyfriend!"

I was happily choosing to IGNORE EVERYTHING that had just been said.

Peter laughed timidly (it was just his laugh) and said, "Oh, well that's good! I don't know too much about it anyway."

I grinned widely. I really kind of liked Peter. I stood up and said, "It was nice talking to ya, Peter."

* * *

><p>I was just walking out of History of Magic, half-chatting to Aubrey (who I decided I could continue referring to by his surname<em> –<em> not because he wasn't my friend, which he was, but because I was never going to be able to lose the habit) and simply minding my own business, when James Potter jumped out from the shadows of the nearest column of the Transfiguration courtyard.

I yelled rather loudly in surprise and then fell sideways into the wall.

"Hiya, Hol – OH SWEET MERLIN ARE YOU OK?"

"I'm fine James! What the hell are you doing?"

James rumpled his hair up. "I, er, knew you were coming out of class …"

"Holly," said Aubrey. "I'll just talk to you later, OK?"

"But I thought we were gonna get lunch?"

"Yeah, it's OK though! I think James wants to talk to you."

I looked between the two of them. NOT AUBREY TOO? Peter was one thing but now EVERYONE I KNEW WAS GANGING UP ON ME ARGHHH!

James gave this weird obnoxious locker room laugh and said, "Oh, he knows what I'm on about! Good man, Bertram!"

Aubrey laughed in the same way, and they sort of punched each other boyishly. "Oh, I think I'll ask Greta out again," he informed me.

"I think she'd like that!"

He nodded brightly and turned to leave when James did that really weird laugh again and called after him, "Oh yeah, 'cause unless I'm mistaken I'm not the only one who got lucky at Sluggy's Christmas do, right mate?"

They laughed again and James slapped Aubrey's back as he left the conversation. I stared at him, bewildered.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"If by 'got lucky' you mean got a kiss _sans _tongue-"

"LA LA LA LA!" he yelled, clamping his hands over his ears, and I turned to walk away from him but he grabbed me by the elbow and spun me around.

"Oi! I wanted to talk to you!"

I forcibly removed his hand from my arm. "James, we really need to start having conversations about things other than you and Lily, or me and Sirius."

James bent his head to give me a dubious look. "But what else is there to talk about?" I couldn't help laughing, and then he said, "And it's the latter I want to talk about today, by the by. And I promise I will never bother you about it again if you just hear me out just this one last time!"

I did not believe that for a second. I chewed my tongue and grinned at him. It was kind of hard to be properly annoyed with him, especially when he said things like 'by the by.' "Fine James. Do your worst."

He linked his arm into mine and sauntered off into the courtyard, plopping us down on one of the stone benches beneath a tree with long-hanging branches.

For a moment he sat, tapping his fingers against his knee. "The pair of you did a pretty good job of acting like a couple," he said with a devilish glint in his eyes and poking me in the stomach.

"Really? Because I thought it was blatantly obvious that we were ripping the piss out of – Hey, when did you figure this out?"

"Peter told me."

"That little rat!" I muttered.

James sat up straight and his hand flew to his hair. "What makes you say that?" he asked in a rush.

I blinked at him. "Because he ratted on us." James opened his mouth in surprise and I realised, "Oh! Peter's Animagus form is a rat, isn't it!"

James jumped to his feet, spinning around to ogle at me. Then he suddenly slapped himself in the face and then he said, "Oh Merlin, I forgot you knew about that!"

He sat back down on the bench beside me and gave a loud sigh. He turned to look at me, and searched my face for a moment. Then he looked away and gestured at the air. "The thing about you and Sirius is … it's like a snowball-!"

"Hang on, I've heard this snowball thing already." James furrowed his brow at me, and I said, "Peter-"

He shouted, "That little rat!" and slammed his fist down on his knee. "Well, so you get the concept at least?"

"I get it, yeah, but I also know there's still a good reason we don't want to be together."

_Be_ together? Why did I phrase it like that? Sirius and I could _be_ together, we just weren't _together_. We didn't need to be _together. _Why did they call it _together_ anyway? People are always together. But not always _together._ Oh God I'm confused.

James looked at me, fixed his glasses, and shook his head. "Ah, trust Peter to tell the story wrong. The point of the snowball analogy is that you're ignoring the many many many many many _many_ reasons you want to be with him over the one or two original reasons that you don't!"

I stared at him. "Well … maybe the original reasons are very very good."

James ignored me and suddenly declared, "Museums! Sirius once told me that his family's house was like a museum!"

"What – but James, Sirius _hated_ that place."

"And you hate your mother but she's always going to be a part of your history! Anyway, Sirius has always been this grumpy old man stuck in a sexy, eighteen year old body. He is the physical embodiment of a museum."

"You know how ridiculous that sounds-?"

"And these Black Tacks-?"

"Black _Jacks._"

"Even better!" he cried. When I continued to look on blankly he said, "Oh come _on, _Holly! Sirius BLACK?"

I shook my head in exasperation.

"Sirius's middle name is Jack!" he blurted out.

"What, reall-" I dropped my surprise and sighed, "Sirius – _Jack_ – Black?"

"OK, so maybe I made that up!"

"I'm not listening to any more about this Amortentia thing. That stuff would drive you mental trying to find its meaning. You know what it really means? _Lust_. There is no fate, or destiny, or true love. It's all just words you make up to make everything seem meaningful."

James sighed and looked at me over the rims of his glasses. "You are just like him! It's creepy, you know. Have you ever heard him talking about love?"

I shook my head slowly, my brow wrinkling up.

James's voice went deeper and snootier (his impression of Sirius was actually pretty good). "'I don't believe in love. It's just a word, you can make it mean anything. You can _think_ you love something, but how do you really _know_? Maybe it's simply that I've never experienced it myself, but I can't believe in a word I don't know the meaning of.' Oh, and don't get him started on marriage. I ask him to give me one good reason why I shouldn't marry Lily, and he says, "I'll give you two good reasons; my mother and my father. They're married and they hate each other.' It's like, mate, chill out! You're eighteen, why are you even worried about this? Don't tell me you're against marriage too," he added to me, breaking out of his ramblings.

"I don't exactly believe in it," I said distractedly, thinking about the things Sirius had said to James about love.

Because I agreed with that. And I agreed with James a little too, it _was_ sort of creepy how much our minds worked in such similar ways on stuff like that. Love … It was just a word. There is no point where something physically happens and you say, _Oh, now I am in love!_ You decide yourself when you think you're in love. And how do you trust your own judgement? Andy Diggory told me he loved me after I went out with him for three days. Check and mate.

"And why not?" James sighed.

"Because I don't want to be forty and sitting at a dinner table with some bloke and only getting so much as a peck everyday when we come home from work. And having nothing left to talk about other than what happens to us in our boring lives everyday. I can't imagine being happy with that. I just can't imagine being married."

James stared at me. I raised my eyebrows at myself, a little surprised and pleased at the same time. James pulled a face. "So, you'd rather be alone?"

Stupid James being clever and right and _stupid._

"Well, I don't know James. That's just how I feel about it right now. And I'm not going to marry Sirius just to stop myself from being alone. I no longer _settle_."

"You two are so perfect for each other," he whined, getting back on track. I looked at him, my expression pained. "You're like eerily close. And I don't even understand how that happened, because he and I do _everything_ together."

"James, OK, you might have missed the point where you got a girlfriend and he and I were left behind to do some intellectual bonding. So what if we're close?"

He stood up then and waved his arms out extravagantly. "Oh, I'm not just talking _intellectually_ close here! I'm talking _physically,_ Holly."

"Oh dear God bless us and save us-"

He grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me up to stand by his side. He stretched his arms out, yawning, his arm brushing up against my back. "You see, we're only just standing here, but I'm going to stand _extremely close to you_ – so that our shoulders touch like this," he did it and turned his head to the side to look down at me, so that I had to lean my head back to see him fully, "and I'll glance at you like this and we'll exchange a grin and a certain _look _with our eyes." James voice seemed to change completely when he did this, and I was highly aware that what he was saying was really true.

But, wait – "James, we've been pretending to be a couple!"

"No no no, this has been going on much longer than that!" he exclaimed, as if he had just stumbled upon some secret and wasn't very pleased about it. "You two have been inseparable since – I dunno, since Christmas!"

Then he pulled me back onto the bench and said, "And now we're just sitting here but I'm going to lean back against the ground with my arm behind you, so you can sit in that little space and lean against my shoulder if you want to! And we'll share a little private joke! And we'll look at each other like we see the world in each other's eyes and it's like FOR MERLIN'S SAKE JUST SNOG ALREADY!"

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to start ignoring you now!" I said loudly.

He put his hands on my shoulders and shook me, leaning his face towards me. "AND IT'S INFURIATING ME BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU CAN SEE IT!"

I chose that moment to glance up, and it was a good thing I did because Sirius and Lily were walking through the cloisters of the courtyard. And they both saw us at the exact moment that I saw them. They froze and stared at us, because (admittedly) we did look a teeny bit too cosy.

James noticed my distraction and swung himself around, looking stupidly guilty. Sirius and Lily's mouths fell open slightly in the exact same way, because they could not hear James shouting at me. They could only see us sitting ridiculously close together, and James looking guilty, and oh Jesus this was terrible.

And then Lily was storming over to us, her hair flying back from her face in the breeze, looking absolutely livid.

James immediately jumped up. I stayed on the bench and took deep breaths.

"Explain," Lily demanded when she was in front of us.

James pointed a blameful finger at me and said, "I was showing Holly how she and Sirius sit so ridiculously close together!"

I did not actually expect Lily to believe this for a second. Back in the day, when I tried to explain to her how she was misjudging James, she took about a month to actually come to terms with it.

And now, after only a few brief seconds, she said, "Oh, well that was a pretty good imitation, but you forgot about the whole ignoring-everyone-around-us-as-we-get-hooked-up-in-our-own-conversations part."

I stared at her and stood up. "Lily, I have just lost all respect for you."

They laughed. People just don't take me serious when I'm angry! Well, I was sort of grinning, in fairness.

"He picks up on how you speak, as well," James said. "I've heard more than one 'Oh my GAAWD' coming out of his mouth."

"Where did Sirius go, actually?" said Lily, looking around. She scrunched up her eyes and rubbed her brow with a sigh. "He was _just_ beginning to like me!"

I was a little shocked by this and was about to choke and ask her what she meant, but James got there ahead of me.

"He was angry and jealous – seeing me and Holly like that – so he stomped off to set fire to something in his RAGE!" James suggested.

"Or he thought it was more Lily's business," I pointed out discreetly, being completely distracted from Lily's worries."Or the fact that he hates it when you flirt."

James and Lily both looked at me. James was miming rapidly drawing a knife back and forth across his throat to tell me to shut up, but Lily just scoffed. "Well, I'm sure he's used to that by now. This is _James_ we're talking about."

James stood there and dropped his arms dramatically. "James is standing right here!"

"And did I say it makes me love you any less?"

James went all gooey and put his arm around her and they began to smooch a bit.

Which I took as a great excuse to leave.

I didn't think Sirius would be mad, but I resolved to go find him anyway. He was my best friend, so I could do things like that. Teehee …

* * *

><p>I panicked when a large silvery evanescent thing erupted from the end of my wand, pounced through the air on weightless paws and then disintegrated.<p>

I stumbled backwards in shock and knocked a chair over.

Sirius wasn't mad. He was in high spirits when I peeked my head around the door of an otherwise empty classroom, to see him sitting on a desk with his nose in a book. You could even say he was gleeful at the fact that I had used the Marauder's Map to find him.

And then he abruptly seemed to decide that he'd teach me how to do a Patronus.

"Oh my God, Holly, that one was fantastic! Did you see what it was?"

"I dunno," I replied a little shakily. "Some sort of cat?"

"No, it looked too canine to be a cat," he said thoughtfully. I sat down on the desk beside him, and he rubbed his chin.

"So, some sort of dog?"

"I dunno, its tail was too bushy to be a dog. And its snout was too short. And its ears were too big. Did you see its ears? They were bloody huge."

"Well thanks for that, first of all. And second, so what do _you_ think it was?"

He chewed his tongue in thought. "Looked sort of like a fox."

I rolled my eyes, wondering why he hadn't just said so in the first place. I didn't really get the importance of knowing what animal I was. OK, I mean it was really cool and everything, and it probably said a lot about my personality, but Sirius was more dying to find out than I was for some strange reason.

"OK, foxy Holly, so that was really good! You've got no trouble focusing, I mean usually it takes longer to get the hang of the actual form of the Patronus. But it's still quite misty. What memory were you thinking of, by the way?"

"Personal question, no?" I joked lightly, shoving him a bit.

He suddenly looked surprisingly uncomfortable. "Oh," he said, "I just didn't think it mattered with me."

"Oh, it doesn't," I assured him quickly. "I was thinking of Christmas, with the snow and everything? When we went out into the Quidditch pitch, just the three of us, and when James blasted our snowman apart and then you hit him with that snowball and he fell off his broom. And just sitting by the fire listening to the records … It was just so … _content_."

He shifted himself slightly on the bench to look into my face searchingly. And I thought I knew what he was thinking; content is not quite the same as happy.

"I keep thinking," I began prophetically, "well, I keep going into this state of mind – like the one I use for crystal gazing, you know? It's like this extreme case of relaxed concentration. So I can completely and utterly immerse myself in this feeling of contentment. And sometimes I'm thinking of something unreal, like I might think about someday in the future where I might be quite happy. I can fill myself up with this hope that one day I'll know what it really feels like. But even though I can't possibly concentrate any more than this, I think the problem is that I'm not concentrating on _quite_ the right feeling."

Sirius put his arm around my shoulders and drew me into a hug. I just let myself fall against him, not hugging him back, just resting my head against his hard, soft chest and feeling him rise and fall with each breath.

"Don't worry, Holly. We'll find you your happy memory."

I glanced up at him and he stretched his neck just to meet my eyes. "Who says I'm worried?" I scoffed. "I'm really quite content."

And sitting there with my head on his chest and his arms around me, and watching the way his eyes glinted contentedly as he smiled down on me, I realised that I really was.

* * *

><p>AN: OH MY GOD everything is coming full circle! I didn't even do that on purpose. Just shows my fabulous writing skills, eh?<p>

This chap was a little bitty, you think? Very hard to write and get into the best order. These were just a few thoughts I had that I felt I could put in, since people don't seem to mind how much prelude to romance this story has :D

I'm vaguely thinking of doing something after this … Something, maybe Sirius X Remus? Which is a big first for me to even think about. But just wanted to bring it up. It's on the table.

Since the story is on its way out please please PLEASE review and help me be a better writer! Or just tell me how much you love me :) I'm grand with either.


	24. Circle Dive Circle

I have a little something to say about this chap. You see, of all the comments I got about Snape, most of you loved him and just one said he was 'so completely off.' Lol, I'm not complaining about getting a bad review or anything! And I'm all good with constructive criticism, as long as it _is_ constructive. But anyway, I just wanted to say that the contents of the second part of this chapter have nothing to do with that comment I received. This is something that I knew would happen quite close to my first mind-draft of the story. It explains a bit, too, if that reviewer still happens to be reading.

To everyone still here, my love.

That is all for now! Hope you enjoy, and remember to let me know what you think! xD

* * *

><p><strong>- Chapter Twenty-Four -<strong>

**Circle Dive Circle**

"You're sure you want to do this?" asked Sirius, the excitement and anticipation clear in his voice. It trembled ever so slightly.

I stared up at him in silence from the grass as he stood beside the lake, his eyes looking a little wild and his hair all mussed up.

"I have never been so sure of anything in my life," was the reply.

And then they began to remove their clothing as swiftly and earnestly as if they were infested with a thousand tiny Doxies.

Sirius wrenched the black polo shirt over his head, revealing a chest of pale white skin and a perfectly flat stomach, and then tugged hurriedly at his belt and practically kicked his trousers off, wrenching his socks from his feet as he began to sprint towards the water's edge, followed closely by James (who, was now in his underwear as well. But I clearly hadn't been paying much attention to that, had I?)

Water sprayed out from them as they splashed their way into the water, and James began to shout at the top of his lungs "SWEET MERLIN'S TITS THAT IS COLD!" Sirius was laughing in great loud barks as James caught up and threw his entire body weight against him, and they both tumbled into the water with an almighty crash.

They emerged after a few moments of laughing and wrestling, the sunlight dancing off the drops that cascaded from their exposed flesh and glistened on their skin. (When I say _they_, you know full well I was pretty much just looking at Sirius here.)

He stood up straight and stretched out his arms, flicking his head to get his black hair out of his eyes, and kept laughing uncontrollably. Then he dived haphazardly back into the water and began doing a doggy-paddle which I had to say, was ridiculously adorable. James was screwing his fists into his eyes and shouting for his glasses.

I was kind of like, _Oh_.

All right.

There's Sirius.

My good friend Sirius.

Right there.

In his underwear.

And-

"Oh my God, who are _you_ checking out?"

I spun around to see Lily beside me, grinning and laughing at me. I opened my mouth, unable to stop the grin coming. I laughed and said, "OK, who the bloody hell do you think I'm checking out? No offence to your boyfriend or anything."

She just laughed. "Is it crazy that Sirius Black in right in front of my eyes in his underwear, and I simply cannot stop looking at James?"

I took a few minutes (like, one – maybe thirty seconds) out of totally perving on my best friend to take a look at _his_ best friend. They were both skinny blokes, but Sirius was slightly taller and James had a certain amount of Quidditch muscle added to what might only be described as baby fat. His hair looked good wet. (I might add as a complete joke NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY that his pants also looked good wet. Hahaha, OK bad joke, I know.) He looked a bit weird without his glasses, though.

"Not … _completely_ crazy," I assured Lily distractedly.

"God, if you told me five months ago that I'd ever feel like this … well, I might have had to slap you."

"You almost did," I said.

Her eyes widened. And then she hugged me. "Wow, I'd forgotten about that. I was being an arrogant toe-rag about it, wasn't I?"

"You can't help being a Gryffindor!"

"He really _is_ a great guy," she said, sounding very content with herself.

"I am aware," I laughed, having been the one to tell her that in the first place.

"Thanks, Holly. For making me realise that I was forcing myself not to see him like that."

"No probs, Lily."

"He's so sweet, it kind of makes you laugh."

"Haha, yeah."

"And the way he rumples his hair when he's nervous? I's not even out of arrogance any more, is it?"

"Don't think so, no."

"And ... Oh my God, I'm trying to be cool but I really really like him, Holly."

I smiled at her, and she grinned widely and blushed pink.

I went back to watching Sirius, which I felt really bad about because I knew he tends to get angsty when people think about nothing but his looks. But right then I really couldn't have stopped myself if I tried. What else was I going to look at? The clouds? The grass? The sunlight rippling out on the water from the disturbance the two Marauders were making in it? The way the mountains sank into a valley on the far, far side of the lake? _James_? It was virtually impossible not to be completely entranced by Sirius, with his thick hair sopping wet and pushed back from his face, his manly, boyish body ...

After a little while, Lily gave a small, sad sigh and said, "Do you think he'll _ever_ ask you out?"

I went still, and then turned slowly to her. "I sure hope he doesn't, because then I may just have to kill him."

She raised her eyebrows at me wryly, and I pursed my lips. I knew she wasn't looking for an answer like that, but I was NOT having this bloody conversation with another person. It was getting a little ridiculous at this stage.

So I continued. "He _never_ will. Why am I getting the impression that you think I should be sad about that?"

"Well, it is Sirius Black. You can't tell me you wouldn't say yes if he asked!" she answered.

I stared at her. "What happened to 'men and women can be friends'?"

"Well," she began smartly, "things seem different to me now. I said that before I ever saw the two of you together. You aren't just _any_ man and woman, you know. He's a good friend to you right?"

"Well, yeah!"

"And you're attracted to him?"

"I find him attractive, "I corrected. "I'm not attracted _to_ him."

She stared at me in disbelief. "What's the difference?"

"Well," I said, "he's a good-looking bloke but I have no desire to …" I trailed off. I had no desire to what? Kiss him? Touch him? _Be_ with him in that way?

"So, what – is it his personality?" she asked me. She gave me a meaningful look which somehow got me on the defensive.

"No, I think he's got a fantastic personality!" I said. "You know, the more I think about it the more I think that it's not him, it's _me _… if you'll forgive the cliché. Relationships really stress me out."

"When was your last relationship?"

I paused. "Three years ago," I admitted, feeling like a complete twat. " OK … The _idea_ of a relationship stresses me out."

In truth, I was basing all my negative notions about dating on the experience I'd had so far in that area. I remembered being nervous all the time with the first two, reading too much into things and worrying about the most stupid stuff. Why wasn't he holding my hand? Should we kiss now? Would he walk me to the end of my road? It was never very comfortable or easy. With Andy things had been the total opposite, he was the kind of guy that made life really simple by going out of his way to make all the first moves. He was a little like James, come to think of it. It helped because I was distinctly aware of the fact that he liked me a lot more than I liked him, in the beginning anyway. Whereas with the first ones I could hardly share a glance at them without getting nervous, I was able to do the whole 'looking lovingly into each other's eyes' thing with Andy. And I really did like him quite a bit. But there were still issues. He was in the year ahead, and he was a little … Well, lets just say that he clearly wanted to do a lot of things that I had no desire to do at all. And even though he was a decent chap and would have never forced me into anything, I still felt the pressure. It hung over me. At least then I had an excuse, I was only going on fifteen towards the end of our relationship. But now I was almost eighteen. How could I keep making excuses for not wanting to get intimate with a boy?

The fact is, the sex thing scared the hell out of me. I'd never had a great desire to go anywhere near as far as that. So maybe I was asexual, too, or just had an especially low sex-drive for a fifteen year old girl. (Kids these days date too young, in my opinion.) I don't know.

"So, what happens when you feel comfortable dating someone again in the future?" Lily was asking me. "Where would Sirius fit into that?"

I blinked and looked up. "What?"

She laughed a little. "I think the truth of it is that you and Sirius being something more than friends is never going to be completely off the table. For either of you. Maybe you're simply forcing yourself not to think of him like that, the way I was with James."

I mouthed wordlessly for a few minutes, but never found my voice.

Because realistically, Lily was right. I was going to have to get back on my feet and date someone again at some time in my life. I couldn't hide from that forever. But when I did … Would I ever find anyone _better_ than him?

My heart began to beat a little quicker out of panic at that thought.

Oh SHIT.

I had thought before that the idea of him as a boyfriend was totally weird, but now it didn't seem so crazy at all. He was sweet and kind and a perfect gentleman, and most importantly, we were _comfortable_ together. We worked, as friends at least. There was no certainty as to whether we would work as a couple, but then that was just Schroedinger's Cat, wasn't it? You can't find out until -

Oh. My. God. What was I thinking?

Maybe Sirius would be a good enough boyfriend, but I didn't want him to be _my_ boyfriend. I needed to stop thinking about the future, scaring myself like that …

So maybe I could fancy Sirius just a little bit. That wasn't a big deal, right? It didn't matter, because he and I would never become anything more than friends. We just wouldn't. We were friends too long now. It was because of all the little things. If, at the start, I had found Sirius a little less intimidating, or if he had been a little bit less anti-girls, and if I had been less afraid of getting attached to people, or if he had happened to fancy me back … But 'what if's are a waste of time. Things happened the way they did and nothing different ever could have come out of the situation.

I couldn't think about what might happen in the future, because right now, I didn't want to date. And that was it. Forget it. Sod off. Mind your own business. Leave me alone.

"He doesn't like me," Lily said matter-of-factly, after a long silence.

"He just misses James," I said sadly.

James came out of the water after a while and sat down on the grass, letting Lily use his arm as a pillow as she bathed in the sunlight.

Sirius trailed out of the water after him, looking a little disheartened, and I watched him right up until he plonked himself down beside me. He shook his head vigorously, spraying water out from his hair.

After a moment of drying himself by rolling around on the grass, he pulled his trousers back on and then lay down shirtless, reaching for his book and holding it over his head to read.

I stopped perving on him after a while and stared at these birds that kept skimming down low over the lake. They would fly up in a great circle for ages and then suddenly dive towards the water surface, and then fly up again in a bigger circle. They just did it incessantly. Circle. Circle. Circle. Dive. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Circle. Dive. Circle. Dive. Circle. Circle. It all seemed very unnecessary.

Sirius sat up presently and said, "This is what I like about Emily Dickinson," and pointed into his book.

That's right, Sirius was now reading poetry. Painfully handsome boy lying shirtless in the grass beside me, reading a book of poems. I really wasn't going to find anyone more perfectly perfect, was I?

I immediately pushed that last thought from my mind (I was getting really good at ignoring myself these days), as James groaned and Lily sat up, looking interested.

"'I like a look of agony, because I know it's true,'" he quoted.

I lay back on the grass with my hands behind my head and thought about the lines. It sounded just like schadenfreude to me.

"Why would anyone _like_ a look of agony? Isn't that cruel or something?" came the response from James.

"She likes it because it's true," I explained, closing my eyes lightly. "It's the one time you can be sure there's no pretence or dishonesty in a person's looks. Because you can't fake agony, can you?"

I opened my eyes and stole a glance at Sirius. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly as they met mine, and he curled his lips into a smile. I smiled back at him a bit sheepishly.

He lay back down on the grass. We were lying sort of anti-parallel so that our heads were on a level but our bodies were lying in opposite directions.

"You'd like this one, Prongs:

'We never know we go,-when we are going

We jest and shut the door;

Fate following behind us bolts it,

And we accost no more.'"

"Sounds very pretty, mate, but the words mean zilch to me."

Sirius closed his eyes and gave a tiny sigh. When he opened his eyes we grinned at each other again, sharing the lovely privacy of the simple way we understood each other.

* * *

><p>Dungeons get ridiculously warm in springtime. Sweaty, even.<p>

"I don't fully comprehend why you don't go sit in the free space at your friends' table …" Snape drawled one afternoon. And that was true, there was a seat at the table with Sirius and James and Remus, but it hadn't ever occurred to me that I could move. His droning voice was dripping with scorn. "Nobody's making you stay here beside me, after all …"

I don't quite know why, but something inside of me finally snapped. I dropped my ladle into my cauldron with a loud clang and turned completely to face Snape, standing up for myself for the very first time.

"Do you really want me to do that?" I demanded, flicking my hair our of my face which was feeling rather hot.

He cocked an eyebrow, and with every ounce of arrogance and contempt he had he began saying, "I don't think I understand your-"

"I mean, do you really want me to move seats and leave you on your own?" I interrupted. "Are you sure there's not some tiny part of you, in the back of your mind, that actually wants for me to stay and continue being civil with you?"

He stared at me, but the arrogance was gone. His eyes were wide, staring at me, and the little colour in his face was instantly drained.

"Yeah. You see, I always wondered why you ever bothered talking to me," I mused aloud, teasing the thought from my tongue. "It didn't make a lot of sense to me, because you _must_ have noticed that I'm not of any wizarding bloodline. I'm a Muggle-born, so aren't you supposed to think I'm filth?"

His black eyes were panicked now and the roots he was cutting up were abandoned on the table.

"Ah, but then I remembered," I said slowly, a smile creeping onto my face. "You used to know someone quite like me, didn't you? You were good friends with her. And you sure as hell didn't _she_ was scum. Did you?"

I glanced over at Lily Evans, as she tucked a chunk of red hair behind her ear, biting her lip as she desperately flicked pages of her textbook. When I looked back at Snape, he had been watching her too. This was something I figured out ages ago, but was only reminded of it the other day when Sirius brought up the fact that Lily and Severus used to be mates.

"But you screwed that one up pretty badly, didn't you," I said. Snape's eyes flew from Lily's face to mine. "And so I began to think … on some level, maybe you hope that if she sees you talking politely to me … it might make her realise that you honestly didn't mean it when you called her a Mud-"

"Don't say that word!" he blurted out in a strangled voice, and then he inhaled sharply through his teeth in shock and widened his eyes at me.

I shrugged. "I don't care about the word. But she does, because I guess you were supposed to be her friend. And I know she can be pretty stubborn. I happen to believe that you really didn't mean to say it, though. So I'll tell you what – I'll gladly move seats, if you can tell me that you _truly _believe that the purity of my blood, or lack-thereof, really makes me inferior to you."

Snape clenched his teeth and his fists and glared at me, his face furious and terrified and anguished all at one. But seconds grew into minutes, and still he didn't speak a word.

I sighed and returned to my cauldron.

"All righty then," I said to myself.

The exhilaration I felt at first quickly dissipated and I ended up feeling a little sickly. My mind just wasn't meant for this confrontation thing. I guess I was no Emily Dickinson, and I didn't really like a look of agony.

After a while he managed to choke out, "Why would you do this?" I glanced over at him. He was frowning angrily, averting his eyes away from me. There was accusation in his tone. "You're supposed to be his friend, aren't you?"

I looked at him for a moment, his lank greasy hair and his greying robes that were a little too small for him. It felt mean to say I felt sorry for him, because I don't like being felt sorry for, but then I realised that I didn't like Snape all that much. But still, I try to avoid being mean. (I said I _try_.)

I let out a breath. "I know how easy it is to follow your friends beliefs and get caught up with people you usually wouldn't. I really don't think you agree with blood supremacy and all that, no matter who you happen to hang around with. I happen to know that Lily and James are going to be ridiculously happy together. And James _is_ my friend, but I don't see you as a threat to him, really. But I don't like you, Snape, so I'm not going to go out of my way to help Lily forgive you. But I'd like it if she didn't completely hate you forever."

And that is why I didn't move seats. Because there was the slightest chance that Lily would notice that Snape spoke to me, and maybe she _would_ forgive him. It wasn't a huge probability, but it was always there.

If he didn't believe what he said, I reasoned that he deserved forgiveness.

Snape never really tried to talk to me again. He didn't say thank you or tell me to take my pity somewhere else or even try to defend himself at all. We each just minded our own business after that. And even though that made the whole thing redundant, I still didn't leave him at that table on his own.


	25. Planning Ahead

**- Chapter Twenty-Five -**

**Planning Ahead**

I woke up at the crack of dawn and threw on an old pair of jeans and a cardigan, quickly did a touch of make-up and then went up to the Great Hall for breakfast.

Today was going to be a big day. Today was the day the serious hardcore revision would begin.

I went out into the Entrance Hall just as James, Sirius, Lily and the rest of the Marauders came down the Marble Staircase, right on time. They all deposited their luggage with everyone else's, and then I walked with them on their way to Hogsmeade station.

Easter had caught up fast, but I was really going to make up for it over the next two weeks. Since everyone else was spending the holidays at home, I was left all alone at Hogwarts with no distractions. James was taking Lily home to meet his parents, and I guessed that Remus and Peter wanted to be at home to study. As for Sirius, I hadn't really been talking to him about the holidays. I just knew he wasn't planning to stay at school.

That was all right, too. With none of them staying it meant that I had nothing to do. And if I had nothing to do, then hopefully studying would be part of the something that I would end up doing.

I was going to see them off, make a cup of tea, and then head straight for the library.

As we were waiting in the drizzling rain for the horseless carriages, Sirius pulled me slightly away from the others and leaned down to speak to me.

The rain was getting in my eyelashes as I looked up at his face. He pushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes before speaking.

"I've been doing an awful lot of thinking," he said seriously, his eyes never straying from my face. He continued quickly, almost urgently. "And I want to say this before I forget. I want to see you over the hols – No, wait, that's not right. I _need_ to see you. So I was thinking we should do something. I dunno, get dinner or tea or go to a film. You could buy me that telephone. Or you could pick out the owl you need. Diagon Alley seemed easiest at first, but I've never actually been to Bath. I could get a hotel. Or if your mother wouldn't mind me staying over – I dunno. What do you think, anyway?"

My eyes were wide and my heart was suddenly beating frantically in my chest. "But – But, Sirius … I'm not going to be in Bath." Sirius stared at me, frozen. I shook my head quickly in bewilderment. "I'm going to be _here_."

Sirius did not make any movement at all for a long time, and then he shut his eyes, his brow wrinkling up. "What – What – Wha …" he stammered. "_Why_ …" He opened his eyes and looked down at his feet, a look of distress crossing his face. He met my eyes again and he smacked himself in the face. "You're _staying_? _Here_?"

I opened and closed my mouth a bit, and eventually got out, "Well, _yeah!_"

"Wha – _Why_?" he beseeched.

"I have a library to study in, and peace and quiet-"

"You're staying all on you own?" he proclaimed.

I stared at him. "It's what I've been doing since second year!"

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" he demanded, looking rather frantic.

"I – I thought I did!"

"Well … Why didn't I hear you!" he yelled.

I shook my head in confusion. For a long moment he gazed into my eyes, and behind his grey ones I could practically see his mind working furiously. I heard wheels turning on gravel as the next carriage pulled away, and James's voice called over to Sirius, "You coming or what?"

"No – I …" Sirius began, glancing fervently at me. His chest rose as he took a deep breath. "I don't understand," he muttered, looking down again and rubbing his temples.

He stepped aside as James and Lily came to hug me. Sirius glowered at me the whole time, and James gave us an odd look before stepping onto the carriage. I waved to Remus and Peter as they followed, and then turned back to Sirius, completely bewildered.

Sirius just stood there and took turns of looking at me, and then at the carriage, and then at me again. Eventually, he touched my shoulder. "I … I have to go," he said breathlessly.

"I'll write you, OK?" I said quickly.

He nodded.

We found ourselves simply staring at each other in pure and utter bafflement as he climbed backwards into the carriage. He mouthed 'I don't understand' again, and I literally could not find anything to say at all. With one last searching look, he shut his eyes tight and turned and disappeared into the carriage, shutting the door behind him.

I stood for a moment as the carriage began to roll away, before turning quickly on my heel and heading back to the castle, trying desperately to hold myself together.

But I couldn't. What the hell had just happened?

I couldn't get the look on Sirius's face out of my head, the one he made just before he turned away from me. That wasn't supposed to be how we said goodbye for the next two weeks. And what had it all meant? Why hadn't he realised that I was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, and why did the fact that I was staying bother him so much?

Because he wanted to see me over the hols. No … he _needed_ to see me.

What did that even mean.

I just didn't know what to think any more. But now I decided that I would not push it from my mind and refuse to let myself think about it. I could think about it … as long as I didn't jump to any conclusions.

But instead of thinking about Sirius's reaction to my staying, and wondering what could have possibly been going through his head, I found myself thinking about what he had said to me right before that. It had been completely overshadowed by all the confusion, but he said he wanted to come to Bath. Could you even _imagine_ that? Just imagine being able to meet up with him over the break and walk around the town together, just the two of us. Or even him staying in my _house_, and getting to see him all day everyday and just be around each other. It sounded crazy yet amazing, and I suddenly wished that it could really happen. It would sure beat being in the castle all on my own –

Ah, but amazing didn't matter. I still had to had to HAD TO study.

But what about summer? My mind was suddenly racing with hope. I was certain it would be all right with my mam, we had a spare bedroom after all. Suddenly I was thinking about heading off to London and staying in his flat for a few nights or something. Of course it was never going to be the same as practically living together while at school, but we couldn't stop that from happening, could we?

I reached the smaller gate that led back onto the grounds of Hogwarts and my mind hit a brick wall. Whatever could happen in the future, right now I was here and he was on his way far, far away.

I hadn't thought about not seeing him for two weeks and now it suddenly hit me.

I wasn't going to see Sirius for fourteen days.

…

All of a sudden it began to rain. It had been drizzling but now it was pouring down from the heavens, cats and dogs and all that. I stopped walking for a moment to look up and hold my arms up in exasperation before running to the nearest tree to take cover.

The lake seemed to be alive in a thousand different places as the raindrops disturbed its surface. I sat in between the roots of the Marauders' favourite tree by the lake where it was relatively dry. I shivered.

Fourteen days was a lot of time.

So, the plan was:

1. Go dry off,

2. Go to the library for ten o'clock,

3. Make a study plan for the next two weeks (which I should have already done, but I hadn't, so what can you do?)

4. Maybe get started on some revision before lunch …

5. …

…

6. Not talk to Sirius for fourteen days

7. Not see Sirius's face for fourteen days

8. Not get slagged over Sirius for fourteen days –

OK, so the last one wasn't so bad. But other than that …

Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius SIRIUS. Oh God, what was I doing?

The question was … What would he have done if he knew I was staying? Would that have stopped him leaving? And if so, then why the bloody hell was he leaving in the first place?

It just made no sense at all, did it?

Or _did_ it?

Ugh, why did he have to leave? Stupid boy. I hated him.

Just then I looked up from the Black Lake and saw someone coming up the path from the Main Gates where the carriages had been. The someone was running.

The rain made everything all blurry and he looked like nothing but a dark fleeting shadow, but yeah. Oh God.

I stood up quickly, my mind in a frenzy. He didn't see me under the cover of the tree as he ran up the sloping grounds. I yelled "SIRIUS!" and he halted so fast he almost slipped. Then he spun around to see me.

We looked at each other. The moment seemed to last forever. And I didn't really care why he was back, I was just relieved to see him. And my first thought was:

_He is NOT allowed to kiss me in the rain because that is far too cheesy._

Oh SHIT, what the hell? Why would I even think of kissing him! The rain shouldn't have been the only thing stopping me from wanting to kiss him either! Oh! Crap! I shouldn't want to kiss him because … I just shouldn't want to kiss him!

Did I want to kiss him? In the rain? Or not in the rain? Did I?

STOP IT WITH THE THINKING.

He didn't move, he just stood there with his clothes all sopping wet and his hair plastered to his face and totally out of breath. And I found myself stepping out from under the shelter of the tree to approach him, totally risking a cold for the fucking mental-case. I stopped a few feet from him and said, "… What the fuck are you doing?"

He looked around for a moment and then pointed towards the gate. He swallowed slightly and said, "I'm not leaving." Then, in case I hadn't understood him, he held his chin up and repeated, "I decided I'm not leaving."

I scratched my head, and he dropped his arm and watched my face anxiously.

"Do you want to come in from the rain or something?" I got out eventually.

"Yeah, OK," he said, and we stepped back underneath the tree.

Sirius blew out his cheeks and pushed his dripping wet hair back from his face. He held his forehead in his hands and peered at me beneath his fingers. My eyebrows had knitted themselves together of their own accord while I stared at him and I couldn't _un_-knit them.

After a while Sirius inhaled and said, "I was only leaving because my mates were leaving. And I always just base it on whether or not the Marauders are staying. But Lily's staying with the Potters and everyone else won't be around … And if _you're_ staying here … There is literally no reason for me to go at all so I decided I should just stay."

I shrugged a little. "OK."

Sirius pressed his fist against his lips and blew out his breath. "OK, so I just ran all the way here in the rain, so may I please just hug you now or something?"

I laughed and then we embraced. And he was all wet but it didn't bother me.

"You want me to stay, right?" Sirius asked suddenly, pushing me to arms length.

"Of course," I said. "But I still plan on studying, OK?"

"No problem," he said, grinning mischievously. He pulled me back into the hug and buried his head into my shoulder. I sighed contently.

And that was the first time Sirius chose to be left behind. And it was the beginning of the end of our days as _just friends_.

* * *

><p><em>Padfoot,<em>

_Pads! Mate!_

_DO NOT SLEEP WITH HOLLY!_

_Kind regards,_

_Prongs._

I looked up from the letter and stared at Sirius, who was clearly finding it very hard not to crack a smile.

"I know," he said.

And it was right then that another owl flew down to join the first. Sirius grabbed the letter from it as it began to eat the toast. He read the letter and sighed, throwing it across the table to me.

_Padfoot,_

_Right so as I was saying you can't do it with her yet OK? I know you just realised that you are TOTALLY AND UTTERLY ARSE OVER TITS IN LOVE with Holly (you two are so unbelievably perfect for each another it's UNBELIEVABLE) and this was literally about two seconds ago when you ran off. And you are going to run up to her and proclaim your passionate undying love for her and then you will kiss in the rain and it will be so beautifully perfect that it will almost HURT_

_but I swear to Bertie Bott that I will KILL YOU if you lose your virginity before I do._

_YOU NEED TO TELL ME EVERTHING AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE OK? At your convenience. You are just going to have to tear yourself away from Holly's sweet sweet lips for five minutes to send me a letter. If you don't I shall have the owls bombard you with droppings and peck your eyes out, etc._

_I've been seeing Lily for, what, four months? But anyway_

_Anyway if Holly IS up for it then just don't forget protection, you are one lucky bastard and … have a good holiday mate!_

_Best wishes,_

_Prongs._

I couldn't eat for ten minutes because my stomach hurt from laughing.

"That boy needs to sort out his capitalisations."

"That boy needs to sort out his _head_."

* * *

><p>Sirius had a little notebook of his own where the Marauders supposedly made plans for mischief and pranks. However, this year only held two entries.<p>

The first was a 'Back to School Special' which involved transforming all the suits of armour in the castle into females; outrageously busty and curvy female knights with metal bodies, some of whom were wearing such skimpy amounts of chain mail that the only way they might survive the first five minutes of a battle would be if the male knights opposing them happened to get an eyeful. And instead of creaking eerily as you walked passed, they would strike a playboy bunny pose or let out some moan or groan, which I had to admit had even the girls in fits of giggles whenever we walked down the corridors. It was absolutely hilarious and a magnificent display of magic, creativity and pure balls, and I had to slap Sirius on the back when I realised that it had been the work of the Marauders.

The second entry in the notebook was not so much a prank as a simple plan; digging into their stash of firewhiskey during the second week of term.

**Location**: Dorm? – _No way, get caught_

Boathouse?_ – Think about falling off the rafters or drowning, etc._

Behind the greenhouses? – _Spacious, secluded_

_Further investigation of secure locations needed_

**Target: **_Our livers._

**Equipment: **_Alcoholic beverages (left over from Operation Intoxication 1.0); Our livers, mouths, etc _

**Necessary Skills/ Tasks: **_Need to have a wander and suss out possible locations. Check M's Map_

**First Meeting**

**Date: 12-09-1977**

**Time: 00.01**

**Place: **_Prongs' Bed_

**Subject: **_Operation Intoxication 2.0_

**Review Minutes of Last Meeting: **_Completion of Task 1 _**-**

**Agenda: **

_1. Decision of Location: Greenhouses most practical_

_2. Overcoming issues: Possible scenarios of 'getting caught' and how to overcome (e.g. be incredibly charming)_

_3. Where to stash_

_4. Problems: Moony et Wormtail pussying out?_

_5. Brainstorm possible arguments favouring rule-breaking by Prefects and/or Head Boys and spineless pussies._

**AOB: -**

**Signed: **

_Padfoot_

_Prongs_

_Wormtail_

_Moony_

"Wow," I said. "_Wow_."

Sirius just gave a shrug and pulled the notebook back to his side of the table.

"Want to do anything this week?"

"Always."

"What?"

"Study."

"OK, I'll just plan ahead," he said. He sat hunched over the notebook for awhile while I planned my timetable for the fortnight.

And our week went something like this:

**Saturday (continued):**

I made a start on my History of Magic Easter essay which was supposed to be ten feet of parchment and had to be researched from scratch. When I say I 'made a start', I literally collected a pile of newspapers and began going through them when Sirius appeared after being lost for over half and hour, placed a book in front of my face and pointed at a picture of a short-snouted, fair-furred fox-like animal with round black eyes and even larger pointed ears sticking out of the sides of its head, with the title, 'Fennec Fox.'

I looked up at him, and said, "What, you think that's it? My Patronus?"

He sat down beside me, pushing aside a stack of newspapers and said, "It looked just like that. Are you even seeing how adorable that thing is?"

We went and had a long afternoon tea break and never actually made it back to the library. We sat under the covered part of the Transfiguration Courtyard and listened to the rain as we got deep into really distracting conversations that went on for hours. And then we stayed up until the early hours of the morning in the kitchens, which became a bit of a routine for the rest of the week. Well, half of it, anyway.

**Sunday**:

We made it to the library but ended up playing Cluedo even though it doesn't work with two people. But it was rather funny charming the plastic people to act out the murders every time we made a conviction. Got kicked out of the library for noise even though there was NO ONE ELSE THERE.

**Monday**:

Sirius asked me if I was still planning on studying, and when I groaned and said I had given up, he let me see the plans he'd made for us inside the Marauders' notebook.

And that's how I found myself standing on the balcony of the boathouse, looking on as Sirius pulled back the tarpaulin on one of the boats which hung from the ceiling, revealing their stash.

I chewed my lip and stared at bottles and bottles of firewhiskey.

"What's the problem?" he asked, his tone accusing.

I glanced up at him. "I don't know if it's a good idea."

"What's the worst that could happen?"

I grabbed the notebook and pen from his pocket. "What's the worst thing? All right, First: _Holly gets pregnant_. Second: _We die. _Third-"

"Hang on, you getting pregnant is worse that us both _dying_?" he laughed. Then he immediately stopped and shook himself wildly. "Wait, how could you even possibly get pregnant?"

I grinned and felt myself blushing, but said, "To answer your first question, yes. A baby is worse than death. Can you even imagine me trying to be a mother? As for your second, didn't you ever get _the talk_, Sirius? The birds and the bees and-"

He was grinning too and trying very hard to stop himself. "How is that an _outcome_ of this _situation?_" he asked slowly.

"I dunno!" I said, embarrassed now. "It tends to happen when two people get drunk together!"

"You _really_ think-"

"OK, just fuck off! I can't afford to lose any brain cells this close to our exams!" Sirius began to smirk as our eyes met, and I said, "Oh fuck it – let's get pissed."

So there we were, lying on the overgrown grass behind the greenhouses. The sky spun a little when I looked up, and everything felt very heightened. Like I could notice my own breathing. I could notice the way Sirius's husky voice caught a little in the middle of his sentences. I could notice how incredibly green the grass looked, and the way everything seemed to be in high definition when you looked at it this close up.

But drinking with two people is rather pointless. We just ranted on about nonsense and got sleepy, which we do well enough sober.

**Tuesday:**

At breakfast Sirius waited for ten minutes before producing a neatly wrapped parcel and handing it to me.

I stared at it. "What's this?"

He didn't look at me, just gave a tiny smirk. "Happy birthday, Holly."

I glared. "How did you _possibly_ know it was my birthday?" I moaned.

He grinned at me. "I may have been talking to Greta Catchlove. Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?"

"I don't believe in them," I said grumpily.

He laughed and slung his arm over my shoulders. "Will you just open it?"

I scowled and carefully untied the ribbon and peeled apart the wrappings.

An expensive-looking, beautiful black leather-bound notebook fell out of the paper into my lap. I picked it up a little shakily with my hands. The cover was engraved with an intricate pattern, there was a red button on the front and a thin strap that wrapped around to keep it closed. A piece of ribbon stuck out from the bottom to mark the pages. I turned it over, and saw my name engraved on the back, along with the date.

I breathed deeply and stared at it in silence.

"I just thought you liked writing, so …"

My head shot up to see Sirius, who was looking ridiculously nervous. I threw my arms around his neck. He tensed up in surprise, and then laughed and hugged me back.

"Sirius," I whispered, my lips close to the smooth, pale skin of his neck. "Thank you so much."

He tightened his arms around me for just a moment and exhaled. "You are so welcome."

I laughed and drew away from the hug. He smiled down at me, and then I hit him with the diary. "I hate you so much. I hope you know that!"

That day, we snook out of the castle and went to Madam Puddifoot's disguised as a middle-aged couple who spent their entire date snorting into their tea and talking very loudly and sarcastically about how in love they were (even after all these years) and disturbing the other customers by telling them the stories of their lives.

Then we hiked up the mountain (which I still can't believe I agreed to do), and sat in a cave for a while. And we had a barbecue and stayed there for hours. After a while I tried to sketch something and Sirius began to read.

"OK, so this is the last time I'm going to mention Emily Dickinson."

"It's OK, I like her stuff too!"

"Good, because I was totally lying before."

He inhaled slightly and tangled his hands up in his hair.

"'I reason, earth is short,

And anguish absolute.

And many hurt;

But what of that?

I reason, we could die:

The best vitality

Cannot excel decay;

But what of that?

I reason that in heaven

Somehow, it will be even,

Some new equation given;

But what of that?'"

Sirius looked at the page for a little longer and then glanced up to meet my eyes.

I crawled over and sat beside him so that I could see the words myself. I felt his scrupulous eyes on my face as I read it over a couple of times and then looked up at him again.

"Earth is short, everyone dies, somehow heaven makes up for it all. But … what of that?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to understand the 'but what of that' part. But what of that?"

"But what of what?"

"What about it?"

"What's the point?"

"What does it matter?"

"What's the _point_?"

Sirius nodded slowly.

"We all die," I said. "Why do we always need to know what happens next?"

"Because we are self-obsessed." And then Sirius said, "My ideal sort of afterlife would have to be something just like this life. Not too different. Maybe we could feel all emotions but people can't get sick, or be depressed, or be really evil. Or evil at all, actually. No health issues might work. But people can't be really annoying either or we'd be eternally irritated and that would be worse than life. But that is so unrealistic. So we're back to the same argument, the eternal happiness card. I still don't like it."

"Heaven in general is unrealistic."

Sirius yawned and stretched and lay back on the hard, rocky ground of the cave. It was really nice being outside of school. We had so much freedom. It felt like we could have been anywhere in the world.

I lay back too and he put his arm around my shoulders.

"How would you like to die, if you could choose?" I asked him.

"In battle," he said immediately. "Fighting for some noble cause!"

I blew the air out of my cheeks. "Such a Gryffindor …" I muttered wryly.

"You say it like it's a bad thing!" he laughed. "What about you, anyway? Dying?"

"Dunno. People say they'd like to die in their sleep, but I would hate that. I wouldn't like my last thoughts to be carelessly thrown away, thinking that I still had tomorrow to do whatever and think whatever. I'd like to be fully aware of the fact that I'm dying. To come to terms with it, you know? I don't want to be old either. I _really_ hope I die before I get old."

And then I got The Who stuck in my head.

Sirius barked a loud laugh and nestled his head against my shoulder. "Do we think about death more than the average teenage boys and girls?"

"I have no idea! How do we end up talking about this anyway?"

"Because … Well, I am the Grim after all."

"That's true … symbolism for your life, eh?"

"Well I've lived this long, haven't I?"

Since our motif for the day was climbing (don't ask me why) we found ourselves climbing up to the Astronomy Tower that night, because it was beautifully clear and the moon was just about new. We didn't plan to pull an all nighter, but we got so caught up doing astrology star charts and enjoying ourselves together that we just forgot all about being tired.

And Sirius's charts were just so fantastic, I was enthralled drawing them. It was the simple things I found fascinating, like his Rising Sign in fifteen degrees Aquarius showed that he was known to be cool, calm, detached and objective, whereas his Mars in twenty-eight degrees Scorpio clearly depicted how extreme his emotional reactions can be when he bottles things up and then has to release his tensions with this overwhelming passion. His sun in Sagittarius accounted for his energy, curiosity, his enthusiasm for everything that interests him and his love of reading; his moon in Sagittarius showed him to be an idealist, preferring the grand, the beautiful and the noble, and having unfortunately high expectations; Mercury in Scorpio was the Marauder in him, the love of mystery and secrets and unanswered questions, his sarcasm; and Venus in Libra meant that he hated to be alone. And this, it literally said this in my book;

"Try to avoid using your well-known seductive charm in order to get out of doing what you consider to be the dirty work!"

"I resent that," he scoffed.

And it's not like we planned to spend the night together (in the most innocent sense of the phrase). But that's just the way it happened. Neither of us even remembered the point of falling asleep. We just did. So when we woke up to the late morning light, blinking up at each other's confused faces, all stiff and sore from the hard wooden floors carpeted with scraps of parchment, and lying worryingly close falling right off the edge of the tower, it was just natural. But that day,

**Wednesday**:

was the day we fell.

* * *

><p>AN: I recommend googling the fennec fox. It is absolutely adorable.<p>

And this chapter is purposely rushed and brief, because something BIG is coming up!

If you like it, review. If you love it, review! If you hate it, review, but be nice! If you couldn't care less, well you must've wasted hours of your life to get to this point, so just gimme a review for the craic!

Things are gonna get crazy from here … Loose ends have, believe it or not, been tied, and now … Well, now things begin to boil up.

I, for one, cannot wait! ;) Until next time … (forgive me if it takes a bit longer than usual)


	26. Snowballing

Has it been exactly thirteen chapters since the first time Sirius and Holly kissed? Oh, what a coincidence! ;) …

**- Chapter Twenty-Six -**

**Snowballing**

**Wednesday:**

"I am so sorry."

"It's fine."

"No no no, I am so, _so_ sorry."

"Holly, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does! You two trusted me with that map and I'm after getting it nicked!"

Sometime in between sneaking out of the castle into the village and falling asleep on the Astronomy Tower, I had sort of … _misplaced_ the Marauder's Map. I'm sure that I had wiped it clear but the thing was when I went out to look for it Filch managed to catch me near the out-of-bounds tower and got to the map before me. And since I made a little fuss about the piece of parchment, he (of course) decided to confiscate and investigate it.

I dropped my head into my hands, my stomach twisting with guilt. I felt Sirius's fingers tousle my curls.

"You know what we'll have to do, right?" he asked in a hushed voice.

I glanced up at him. His eyes had that mischievous glint in them as he watched my face wrinkle up in confusion.

"We'll have to … make a new map?" I asked. He rolled his eyes. "Sorry, first thing that came into my head!"

"Simpler than that," he said. I made a face and he looked away from me with a knowing smirk. "Have you ever been in Filch's office?"

"Yeah," I said.

He looked at me. "What – really?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "I've done my fair share of sneaking around after lights out."

He grinned fully at me, with the slightest trace of what I thought must be _pride_. "Oh, yeah … If you didn't, we probably wouldn't even be friends right now."

I widened my eyes and smiled. It felt like if Sirius wasn't my friend right now, I would probably be dead or something. And how long ago that night in the kitchens seemed!

"So now can you guess what we'll have to do?"

I chewed my lip and began to grin. "Sneak into Filch's office and nick it back?"

"My thoughts exactly."

And it wasn't a bad thought. It might have worked under normal circumstances. But the most fatal fault in our plan was that we went forth with no Marauder's Map and no cloak of invisibility. But we were young and arrogant and did not think of the consequences that might ensue from sneaking around at night and breaking into the caretaker's office.

Because some consequences are a hell of a lot worse than detention.

We started with a bit of luck and found only empty corridors on our way down to the caretaker's office. My heart stopped when we caught a glimpse of Peeves bouncing around the Charms corridor. It wasn't exactly curfew yet, but still, Peeves was never a good thing to have around when anything important was going on. But, to my horror, Sirius sauntered right up to the poltergeist and shouted to catch his attention.

"Oooh, ickle Blackie the Labradoodle! And Jolly Kumquat too! Out for a romantic stroll, are we?" sneered Peeves, blowing a loud raspberry.

It always made me laugh that for the amount of innuendos that could be made out of the name Comstock, Peeves still insisted on calling me 'Kumquat.' (Occasionally 'Tosspot.' It was hardly even a half-rhyme.)

"Yeah yeah yeah," said Sirius quickly. "So the thing is, I just wanted to let you know that you really really really shouldn't take that massive vase right there, and smash it really loudly on the ground."

Peeves cackled and flew into Sirius's face with a dive. "Hahaha! Don't think I don't know your game, Blackie! Yous is using the reverse psychologies on poor Peevesies!"

Sirius gave a loud, transparent sigh. "Oh darn. You're completely right! I want you to smash the vase, Peeves."

Peeves blew out another raspberry. "Well, I shan't be doing favours for beastie students, no siree!"

Sirius grinned. "Great! Don't smash the vase, OK? Just don't do it."

Sirius threw his arm around me and we continued off down the corridor casually, leaving Peeves hanging in the air upside-down looking … well, peeved. We turned the corner and Sirius let go of me.

"Right, so the quickest way from Filch's office to here is through this passage," he informed me hurriedly, pointing around a statue into a nook with an almost unnoticeable passageway behind it. "Filch will use that. So what we do is take the stairs, bypass him on the way and get inside the office. We won't have much time, but it should be enough." He took out his pocket watch and said, "Distraction in three – two – one -"

A loud crash and obscene cackling came from behind us and Sirius grabbed my wrist and breathed, "Run!"

We sprinted down to the end of the corridor, through a door and down a staircase to the floor below just as Filch's roars reached our ears.

"PEEVES!"

We flew down the hallway as Filch stormed up the secret passageway. The door of his office was still swinging on the hinges as we entered and Sirius strode across the dingy room to a filing cabinet. I stood by the door, nervously eyeing up the shackles and chains behind the desk.

"'Confiscated and Highly Dangerous,'" Sirius read off the front of the cabinet with a sneer. "Well, only in the right hands …"

But before he had even pulled the drawer open to search for the confiscated Marauder's Map, another sound reached us.

"STUDENTS OUT OF BED! STUDENTS IN THE CORRIDORS! THREE MINUTES 'TIL CURFEW, THEY'LL NEVER MAKE IT BACK NOW!"

I gave an audible gasp and Sirius had frozen, his head jerked up in the direction of Peeves's bellows. For one terrifying moment our eyes met, and then Sirius had hopped across the desk and we were fleeing out the door.

We pelted down the corridor, Sirius grabbing me by the wrist and guiding me down well-known passages, but Filch was frighteningly fast on his feet and knew the passages as well as Sirius did.

We ran down stairways and in and out of tapestries and passages, and then doubled back on ourselves in the hope of losing Filch, but the caretaker always seemed to wind up a step ahead of us.

Sirius pulled me through another tapestry, and just when I was becoming confident that we had lost the caretaker, Sirius stopped dead and I ran into him. I swore and looked up, and then froze just like Sirius had.

Mrs Norris was standing right in the middle of the narrow passage, her great big yellow eyes boring hard into us.

I swore again, and scrabbled at Sirius's arm, just as Filch's wheezes echoed down the corridor on the other side of the tapestry.

"You can't hide," came the voice.

We were trapped.

Sirius grabbed my hand and tried to drag me forwards to get past Mrs Norris, but I knew it was too late. There was no way we could keep going like this. I wrenched Sirius's hand back and he spun around to glare at me, hissing, "What the bloody hell are you-"

I glanced around, hearing Filch's footsteps which were now slow and careful halfway down the corridor, and then looked back around into Sirius's face. The rest of his words never formed on his tongue, and for a split second his face crossed with some emotion, some realisation, some confusion at my oddly blank expression. His brow knit together and he must have sensed what I was about to do – what I believed to be our last resort – because his eyes flicked quickly from my eyes and stopped on my lips.

And in that moment I seized the front of his shirt in both my hands and yanked him down to kiss him smack on the mouth.

It was as if the world went quiet for just a moment. And time stopped. And the walls came crashing down. And I forgot to breathe. I had my eyes squeezed shut, my mind feeling like it was about to explode as I crushed my lips against his. And I had to stop myself from gasping out loud as a shock of electricity shot down my spine, and I screwed my eyes shut even tighter. Oh no. I had forgotten how soft his lips were –

For the first half-second he was completely unresponsive (most likely out of pure shock at my completely mental behaviour. Which was actually a good thing … given the state of things). But then … Then there was just the tiniest split of a second where I'm almost sure I felt his lips return the pressure. It was just the softest, slightest movement of his mouth against mine, so small I could hardly be sure it was there at all. And I felt his body shift to be closer, his hands finding their way to my arms to draw me in closer. My heart was suddenly beating like crazy, and a surge of something twisted through my stomach at his warmth, his body, his mind and his _lips._ But then he was gone – panicked – his hands on my arms pushing me gently but firmly away from him. And – Oh God. I was such an idiot. He wasn't pulling me closer. He wasn't kissing me back. He was pushing me _away._

But it was OK! I just needed to focus. Because I wasn't kissing him either. Not really.

Sirius did not move his face that much away, just a few inches, and my eyes flew open to meet his. And I couldn't even tell what emotion was beyond his fathomless grey eyes, wide and staring, but his tensed brow clearly showed the horror and shock that he was – that _both_ of us were – obviously feeling.

We fell away from each other, and Sirius simply gaped at me. After a moment of spluttering, and gaping, and spluttering some more, he finally just choked out a quick, "Holly … It's _hardly_ the time-"

I shook my head hastily. It wasn't the time. There was no time. The universe had slowed down, but there was no time.

I stepped back towards him, and he stared down at me, his jaw practically on the floor. He did not, however, back away.

"I'm sorry – I've got a plan – But I need your lips." Sirius spluttered a little more and I continued frantically, "I'm saving both our skins! – Oh, use your intelligence, can't you?"

"I don't follow!" he whispered feverishly.

"Filch!" I exclaimed. "Filch – Us – Snogging – Oh, use your head!"

"I remain in the dark," he said. His eyes were wide.

"Then you're just gonna have to trust me. This means nothing."

He inhaled a great shuddering breath. "Always."

For a moment we stared at each other, our breaths coming short and fast in anticipation. And I had never seen Sirius look so lost and helpless. His brow wrinkled as his anxious eyes dropped to my lips again. And then his hands were on my face …

And then we kissed.

His shirt was back in my fists as I ran my hands up his chest and to the back of his neck. My pulse was hammering beneath my skin and I knew his was too because I could _feel_ it. And our lips moved so naturally together, our arms were just in the way. And he suddenly grabbed me towards him, wrapping his arms around my waist and rushing our bodies together as we kissed. Somehow I managed to ignore all the goosebumps and heart-wrenching, stomach-clenching pangs of what I couldn't deny was undoubtedly, pure and simple _pleasure._ I had a mission to concentrate on.

I had to make this kiss look as passionate – and as awkward to behold – as physically possible.

My hands were in his hair now, my fingers clenched up in his soft wavy locks – and _oh, Christ did __it feel good_ – and we were backed up against the wall of the narrow passageway, our bodies pressed together so hard that I could feel his stomach and his chest, all fit and amazing, and his arms were so strong around me, touching my back, my waist, with his fingers clutched up in the material of my t-shirt –

And all of a sudden it hit me that we weren't just kissing passively … innocently … Who had been the first to open their mouth? I didn't know and it didn't even matter. Because now we were definitely not simply _kissing. _We had kissed before, and it was the most chaste and innocent kiss that I had probably ever been a part of. But now … this was not just kissing.

This was _snogging_.

And Sirius's mouth … _And when the bloody hell did he get to be such a good kisser?_

I had been so determined to make this plan work, to snog Sirius as passionately as possible in order to freak Filch out, that I had completely forgotten my slight … crush problem. I really hadn't thought of it, I swear to God. The Kissing Plan had nothing to do with the fact that I was unsure whether or not I would have _liked_ to kiss Sirius under regular circumstances. It really didn't.

But then, for just a moment, it was the Plan that I forgot completely about. It was just me and Sirius and we were the only two people in the entire world.

And it was at that moment that it hit me. The most terrifying, awful thought that could have entered my head. The most heart-stopping, friendship-ruining, unspeakable idea. The beginning of the end of a brief period where the world was making a bit of sense to me. My life coming crashing down all around me.

Because I thought:

Why is it …

that we don't

just

do this …

_ALL_

the

_TIME_?

…

And … Well, yeah.

It was a bloody good question.

OH MY GOD I TOTALLY WANTED SIRIUS.

Oh my God, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him. I really did. I wanted _him_. I needed him!

OH HOLY CRAP OH MY GOD THIS IS MENTAL WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYDIDTHISHAVETOHAPPEN?

I wanted to kiss him. And then I realised that I actually _was_ kissing him. And it was so bloody amazing. I only had a few seconds to grasp this new concept – kissing Sirius for real – as I felt his body heat crushed against me and the warmth of his mouth, my hands moving from his lush hair to his face, Sirius's amazing, handsome face that I thought I knew so well … And then, suddenly, time was back in motion. The world had popped back into existence. And the sound of a tapestry swishing open awoke us both from a dream to the matter at hand.

Sirius and I broke apart at once. His arms were holding me tight against him and my hands were on either side of his face. Our eyes stared into each other's, wide and frightened and shocked and –

And then we both gasped out loud and spun our heads around to see Filch standing there. He had been wearing a triumphant grin but his face instantly changed into an expression of pure horror.

His face turned beetroot red in a matter of milliseconds, and then he spluttered and the tapestry was flung shut.

We heard his footsteps scurry down the corridor, bellowing curses at Peeves as he fled.

I gulped. Sirius and I were still clinging to each other for dear life. And I didn't want to look at him. My mind was absolutely racing, blood pumping in my head with only one thought left.

_Sirius_.

I dipped my head a bit and then quickly glanced up. Sirius swallowed slightly. And his eyes scanned my face, reading my expression like the pages of a book. I pressed my lips together and inhaled. He looked down and then we hastily let go of each other.

We stood there, just trying to catch our breaths. But after a while I realised that it wasn't getting any easier. My heart must have stopped. Broken right in two.

Who says I'm being melodramatic? Piss off?

I staggered against the wall a bit and laughed awkwardly. Sirius shot me a tight-lipped smile and then widened his eyes at the floor by my feet.

My eyes looked him up and back down again. As I watched his face he glanced up at me.

His hair was all mussed up and he didn't seem to realise it. It looked so cute. And then I realised that I had mussed up his hair, and my face began to grow a little hot.

Our gazes met for a really long moment. And his breathing was still heavy as well, I noticed. Not jumping to conclusions or anything. I was just pointing it out.

The awkward moment lasted like, I don't know, a hundred thousand more hours, and then Sirius exhaled and shook himself, and bolted towards the tapestry.

He stuck his head out of the passageway and looked up and down the corridor. Turning back to me he said, "We didn't even get in trouble!" He grinned at me and I laughed as I watched him. "I … I thought he'd at least bring us to a teacher, but no! Nothing! I mean, I figured out your plan there – er, you know … but I thought it would just save us from being caught trying to sneak into Filch's office, which is never a good thing, trust me. But I thought we'd still get a detention or something for being out of bed – It's genius! You're a genius," he said breathlessly.

I _was_ a genius. But _he_ was rambling.

"If there's one thing Filch can't handle, it's students snogging in dark corners," I said. My voice was surprisingly calm considering the whole MENTAL BREAKDOWN I WAS KIND OF GOING THROUGH.

Sirius smiled a little sheepishly. "You know this from experience?"

I gave a small laugh, and he grinned.

He ran a hand through his hair and down his face, covering his mouth. He gave a hard sigh. I slid down the wall to sit on the floor and rubbed my neck.

My life was in the shits.

Just ignore everything for a little bit longer, Holly. Don't let him see this crush you. Don't let him see you betray him like this.

Just a bit longer, then you can freak out.

OK, good plan. I could do that. I could do it.

I stared at his good leather shoes for about ten minutes and neither of us spoke. When I looked up, Sirius had been watching my face, his face blank.

"So, what about the map?" I asked with as much indifference as I could muster.

His face did not change for a moment as he eyed me up. Then he suddenly blinked about a thousand times in one second and stammered, "Oh – I, er – you … What?"

I raised my eyebrows at him and he sucked in his cheeks a bit and glanced quickly away from me. He sat down opposite me in the narrow passageway, and I almost flinched as his knees touched slightly against mine.

BE COOL HOLLY. For once in your life …

He rubbed the front of his shoes with his fingers for a moment. "You know, I had been thinking of leaving it behind before we left school, for some other gang to find. So we could pass on our amazing talent for trouble. But it's no good in Filch's office. Next time, we should … probably just bring the cloak …"

Yeah. I mean, snogging in dark passageways was a good plan and all, but it was hardly something we'd get away with multiple times. It was hardly something we'd like to resort to multiple times, I mean.

I sighed.

Sirius met my eyes again and I forced myself to concentrate.

"Sirius?" I asked. He just raised his eyebrows at me so I continued. "How many times have you been in Filch's office?"

"Too many to count."

"And how many times has Filch been distracted and left you there alone for a few minutes or so?"

"Er … Yeah, it's happened once or twice."

"And if you were in Filch's office, alone, and you saw a cabinet labelled 'Confiscated and Highly Dangerous', hypothetically, what would you do?"

Sirius widened his eyes as a grin spread across his face. "I'd have a little snoop through it." I nodded thoughtfully and he said, "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

"I think I might be," I chuckled. "I mean, if you wanted to leave the map behind for someone to find and use, you couldn't just leave it _anywhere._ Someone might write on it, or use it for homework, or chuck it in a fireplace or anything. Or it could fall into the wrong hands."

"But if it's in a drawer in Filch's office, labelled 'Confiscated and Highly Dangerous' …" Sirius went on from my train of thought, "Well, you know I'd trust anyone who has ever been taken in there, and it would be clear it's no ordinary piece of parchment … Oh my God, this could really work."

I laughed and said, "Yeah, that's why I suggested it."

He grinned at me. "You are so amazing."

I swallowed slightly and smiled back as my heart felt like it was swelling up.

After a moment Sirius shook himself and said that we should probably leave before we got caught again. And I said OK, and that I was probably going to hit the sack anyway because we had gotten like three hours sleep the night before. And he was like, OK, and said that he would walk me down to the basement.

We stopped in the dark little corner where the barrels that hid the entrance to the Hufflepuff Common room were, and there was an awkward moment where we looked at each other, and I only had to go for a little bit longer but it was so hard. I just wanted him.

"Well …"

"Yeah."

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Holly."

"Yeah." I was about to arrange a time but then just said, "We'll find each other."

Sirius nodded slowly and looked down at me, and my heart rate picked up again.

We hugged and I pressed my face against his chest as he nestled his head into my shoulder. I screwed my face up. It would be so easy to just draw back a little, look into his face and then kiss him all over again. It would be so easy to just temporarily leave my mind and go with what I desired. It could be happening in a matter of seconds. But I couldn't let myself.

As we let go of each other, Sirius clumsily touched his lips to my cheek. I held my breath as we looked at each other and then finally said farewell.

I had to stop myself from collapsing into a heap as I crawled through the barrel hole entrance to the Common Room. Instead, I made it as far as the nearest couch. I sat down with my head between my knees and began to hyperventilate.

I didn't know what love was. I didn't know what it meant.

But I liked the way that for someone with no plans for the future Sirius spent way too much time thinking about death and marriage and old age. And I liked the way his jaw looked when he clenched his teeth. I liked the way he squeezed my shoulders when he hugged me. I liked the way he would do anything for his friends, and I really liked all his passion and his heart. I liked how his arrogance was ridiculously attractive. I liked how he was even a little bit old-fashioned and superstitious but pretended like he wasn't. I liked how he was totally romantic and idealistic and didn't even realise it himself. I liked how he did things his own way. I liked how completely different he seemed before I ever got to know him. I liked the way he looked at me. I liked that I was the only girl he had ever been friends with. I liked that he was the first real friend I'd had in too long. I liked that he was the best friend I'd _ever_ had. I liked how much we really cared for each other.

I liked the way he would never, _ever_ like me back.

I lifted my head and stared at the fireplace, depressed at the fact that the night was too warm for a fire. I curled up on the couch and grabbed a cushion to hug against my chest. I could imagine that he was there with me. Maybe I could rest my head in his lap while he played with my hair, and I would wonder if he was attracted to me too or if he just thought I was attractive. Did he want to be with me or did he just like being around me.

And Gryffindor loosely corresponded to the element of Fire, you know.

Bloody Amortentia.

This was so ridiculous. I couldn't believe this had to happen. Was it so impossible for me to just be friends with an attractive bloke and not end up falling for him? Settling for him?

But I couldn't settle for Sirius. Nobody _settles_ for Sirius Black. Haha …

It wasn't as if I liked him this whole time. I told him I didn't think of him like that and I wasn't lying. It wasn't even as if I was forcing myself not to think of him like that, as Lily said. Not entirely. It was more like … like I hadn't been _ready_ to like him. Before. But now I realised that it wasn't the feelings I should have been ignoring. I should have ignored the _fear_.

So … what was Sirius ignoring?

Was it just that he wasn't ready either? And if so, when would he be ready?

Or was he just not interested and never would be?

I shook my head, that couldn't be right. When was the last time he mentioned that he didn't have those sorts of feelings for me? Slughorn's party. But there had to be some other time since then … On the Astronomy Tower? That night in the Hospital Wing? I had just taken for granted since then that his mind hadn't changed about me … But what if it had?

Somehow, the second little (clearly schizophrenic) voice in my head sounded a lot like Lily Evans.

**What would you do if Sirius asked you out?**

I would … probably think he was taking the piss.

I'd laugh in his face.

**But what if he wasn't taking the piss?**

He wouldn't. It just wouldn't happen.

**Come on, Holly. Hypothetically speaking, Sirius genuinely wants to be with you. What do you do?**

Run.

Run for the fucking hills.

It would be a total cliché if I was to say I didn't want to ruin a great friendship, right? But there was more to it than that. It was so terrifying, and I wasn't strong like those people who could fall madly in love and get married and live together for the rest of their lives. Because what if I gave myself to him entirely, and then it didn't end up working out? What if it did ruin our friendship. Because I needed Sirius so badly in my life, even he could only be my friend. Because being friends was safer. As friends we might be able to be together for the rest of our lives. It would be worth it just to be around him. Relationships were just so frail and flimsy. Especially stupid teenage romances. You never know if they'll work.

I just could never stand losing Sirius.

So, so what? Maybe I wanted to kiss him, maybe I would have liked to be with him, to give him my heart in return for his. But maybe this was just lust all over again. Even though I liked his personality as much, if not more, than his looks … what did it matter? What was so different about dating a bloke and being friends with him anyway? Maybe it was just a temporary crush. That kiss probably just had me a bit wired. Give me a week and I could be completely over it.

But did I want to get over it?

What if this was real?

But how did I know anything was real? What was the bloody definition of reality? What the fuck was love?

Why was everything so complicated?

OH SCREW IT, Peter was right. We were making it so much more complicated than it needed to be! I knew nothing, but all I knew was that I was lying here on the couch by myself and I wanted Sirius to be here, holding me. That was simple. Men and women date, there's nothing complex about that. We were pretty much going against nature here, me and Sirius.

Why was it always a question of why should we date? It should have been … why _shouldn't_ we? Because it was becoming _so_ difficult to remember the reasons we didn't want to.

Yes, forget the fears and be open with your feelings, Holly.

Sirius was never going to forgive me for this.

Unless he felt the same way.

But he didn't. He was going to hate me.

But what if he did? Did feel the same way, I mean.

No, the reason he liked me in the first place was because he knew I didn't feel for him. Now he was going to be disgusted with me.

Shit.

I'm not one to make the first move anyway. I make him come to me, whether it's up on the Astronomy Tower or at a seat in the Great Hall or making it up after a fight.

I couldn't do anything unless I knew he felt the same. And even then … I was so fucking scared.

Why was I so bloody bipolar about this?

Let's just go back to imagining him here beside me. That was nice.

GOD, that kiss earlier was so fantastical.

Three hours sleep was not doing me much good either …

I must have dozed off, because what happened next surely had to be a dream. I opened my eyes and looked towards the entrance hole of the Common Room, to see the man himself, tall-dark-and-handsome, stroll past my couch towards the tunnel containing the dorms. He almost didn't notice me there. I sat up immediately and stared at him over the back of the couch, and then he turned his head slightly and jumped.

Sirius laughed loudly and said, "Oh, there you are!"

I smiled at him for a moment. And then the smile slipped off my face and I leapt up abruptly. He grabbed my hands as I made to push him back towards the barrel hole. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I hissed.

His smirk was indescribably delicious. "I'm here for _you!_" he sneered, with a teasing glint in his eyes.

"There are like ten Hufflepuffs in their respective dorms right now. You cannot be here," I whispered frantically.

"It's past one, Holly, and they're not _here_, are they?" Sirius reasoned.

"I can't believe you would come here without the cloak, even-"

"I have the cloak!" he responded. I didn't have time to marvel at the fact that James could trust Sirius with his generations-old prized family heirloom (well I suppose best friends should trust each other, right?) before Sirius continued on. "Look, so there's something I want to show you."

I stared at him and raised my eyebrows, something which seemed to make him grin all the wider.

"May I?" Sirius asked, offering me his hand.

I frowned and rolled my head around my neck wearily.

"I shall take that as an _absolutely_."

Sirius brandished the cloak and threw it over the two of us, stepping closer to me so as to do it. Much closer.

Heart rate = minor cardiac arrest.

Sirius looked into my eyes for a moment (and I was like, was _this_ what he wanted to show me? Oh please Merlin let this be it), but then he just began to nod, and grinned and turned on his heel to lead me out of the Common Room.

This was the first time I had been under the invisibility cloak, and it was so much more hassle than it appeared to be. Sirius was a little tall. And we were walking out of step so that we kept bumping into each other, and we had to stay close together and it was just so AWKWARD. Or, maybe that was just me.

We walked out of the Entrance Hall onto the grounds in complete silence. And I'm usually the one who can feel comfortable in awkward silence but I was far from comfortable.

Without the moon, the grounds were completely lit by starlight; an eerie, beautiful darkness that would take your breath away. If your breath hadn't been already stolen by a certain star-boy, that is.

Sirius led me all the way up to the tall trees at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. I stopped for a moment and looked up into the shadowy canopy of leaves.

Sirius turned to me and said, "You've never been in the Forest of Impending Doom?"

I found myself grinning and then I shook my head.

He took my hand in his own and squeezed it lightly. "That's OK."

We walked for ages and I was beginning to wonder where the hell he was taking me. But he was still holding my hand, so I was all right just walking along quietly with him. We found our way deep into the forest, where the trees grew thick and the roots dug up the ground and turned our path into a maze. The stars and the sky had disappeared.

Then we came to a large clearing, and Sirius took a glance at his pocket watch. He sat down at the very edge of the clearing, pulling the cloak down as a motion for me to join him. I did.

After a while of not asking what was going on, Sirius finally said, "OK, watch that spot right over there." He met my eyes and grinned a little. "Over _there_," he repeated, pointing across the clearing.

I blinked, blushing at my idiocy, and looked over in the darkness to where there was absolutely nothing to see at all.

"What am I looking at?"

"You'll see."

He slung his arm over my shoulders and pulled me in closer to him. It was really very hard not to turn my head to look into his face again.

"Is this some sort of trick?"

"What might I be tricking you into?"

"Eh, dunno."

"Well, I'm not. So shush now, or they won't come."

His last words were a whisper, and I hadn't time to ask him what the bloody hell 'they' were, when I saw 'them' across the clearing.

Sirius and I both went still and watched as a strange grey creature emerged from between two trees across the clearing. It had bulging round eyes on top of its head and walked on four flat feet. It entered the clearing and turned sharply to begin walking slowly around the edge of the trees. Another creature followed behind it, and another, and another, until there must have been more than twenty of the things traipsing around in a large circle.

They stopped walking all at once and turned to face the centre of the circle. And as if in a dance, they all stood up on their spindly hind legs and began to perform a complicated ritual while dancing around the circle. Some raised their arms and some bent their knees and some twisted in and around the others, all moving slowly and majestically in the pitch darkness, with the only light being the evanescent glow of their smooth grey bodies.

It was entrancing. We must have watched them dance for hours. And then, as abruptly as it began, the creatures continued to dance out of the clearing in a neat one-by-one file, moving on to a deeper part of the forest to repeat their ritual.

We didn't speak for a long time, even as the last creature disappeared through a gap in the trees. Sirius's arm was around me and we sat close together, our breathing slow and deep. And after a while I could feel his striking eyes on me and I built up a bit of true Gryffindor-worthy courage to turn my face to meet him.

He watched my face and his lips twisted into a slight smile.

"I don't even have words," I said, my voice a little croaky from the quiet.

He nodded and didn't say anything, and we both turned to watch the empty clearing for a while longer. After a long time there was a slight movement and a massive dark figure emerged from the trees. We watched as Hagrid began to dolefully shovel the silvery dung that the Mooncalves had left behind.

Sirius and I silently stood up underneath the cover of the cloak and walked out of the clearing together, hand-in-hand, and step-in-step.


	27. The Air Card

**- Chapter Twenty-Seven -**

**The Air Card**

I had no clue what was going on, or if _anything_ was going on for that matter. But I had spent this long with the Marauders, not asking questions and just going along with their oddities. So I wasn't about to change that now.

So when Sirius halted outside the Hufflepuff Common Room and said:

"So, Holly, my friend. You're my best friend, you know that? … Gosh, I'm tired. The thoughts of walking up all the way to Gryffindor Tower right now. Have you ever thought to count all the stairs between your place of rest and recreation and mine? It must be nearly – I don't even want to know! You know? And you know what I'd love right now? I'd love to have a friend who has a place of rest and recreation right close by. Because, you know, if I have to traipse all the way up there again … Well, I'll just end up bored and lonely and all by myself until morning. And so will you. And that's a long time away. Morning. I happen to believe that any time spent alone is time wasted."

Well, of course I replied with a simple, "You know, I happen to completely disagree."

Any time spent not with Sirius was time wasted. _That_ was my belief.

Sirius's smile faded a little and his eyes went sad.

I rolled my eyes at him and took my wand out to tap the entrance to the Common Room. "So you wanna come in or what?"

I exited the bathroom a few minutes later to find Sirius lying on my bed with his hands behind his neck, twisting around to look at some of the pictures and sketches tacked to the walls.

Oh, I'll just repeat that part for you.

MY bed.

He looked over at me and waved cheerfully, screwing his face up as he grinned.

"All right," I said mournfully. "I'll just have to sleep in Greta's bed."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at me dubiously. "Oh come on, I've been in your bed before."

"Yeah, and at the same time as _James_," I scoffed.

"We slept over last night."

"Yeah, but not in the same _bed_," I scoffed again.

Sirius gave a small pout. Not a mock-childish pout, but a real model-esque smoulder.

"Stop it!" I said quickly.

He raised his hands up in defeat. "All right, I was going to suggest head-to-foot and offer to sleep outside the blankets if it really made you that uncomfortable, but-"

"Why are you doing this?" I asked. And that was a big deal, because I always tried to refrain from asking questions like that with no good answers.

He inhaled and glowered at me. "Why are _you_ doing this?"

I shrugged a little too heatedly. "Why does there have to be a reason?"

"Did I say there had to be a reason?"

"Did I?"

"Foul! No repetition. One … love."

I stopped, confused. "Since when are we playing questions?"

"Since when have you been too awkward to sleep over with me?"

"Since when have you been so desperate to sleep over with me?"

Sirius said nothing. I cocked an eyebrow.

"Hesitation," I said coolly. "One … all."

Sirius gave a small frown. "What if I don't want to play any more?"

"What if you don't have a choice?"

"Why don't you just cut it out already?"

"You started it!"

"Statement! Two … one."

I glared at him. "What are we doing?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Why do you persist?"

"Why do I _exist_?"

"Yes or no?"

"Who has to choose?"

"Is there a choice?"

"Is there a God?

"Foul! No non sequiturs. Two all. Game point."

Sirius and I met each other's eyes. He took a deep breath. "Is. There. Something. You. Want. To. Ask. Me."

I swallowed slightly. "May I join you."

Sirius didn't say anything for a moment and I had to stop myself from fouling him. Then he smiled. "Well that's rhetoric, because you already know my answer."

I laughed. "Yet you still hesitated."

He shrugged and chuckled. "Then I guess we both lost."

* * *

><p>"<em>Do you think you could sleep like this?" Sirius had asked me the night before, as we lay together on the floor of the top of the Astronomy Tower.<em>

"_You mean, out in the nippy morning air on hard wooden floors, or with you spooning me?"_

"_Spooning."_

"_I dunno. Am I crushing your arm a bit?"_

"_Not at all. You've got … curves It's … unexpected. Very … comfortable." His voice was muffled from having a face full of my hair but he didn't seem to mind. I felt each of his words as shivering warm breaths on the back of my neck._

"_This is ridiculously comfortable, I have to admit."_

"_So, would you?"_

"_Why?"_

"_I dunno. I mean, I know we're not sleeping together or anything, but don't people fall asleep in each other's arms and wake up in each other's arms and stuff? I was just thinking about it. I'm not sure if I could do it."_

"_Yeah, I'm not sure either. I think I like having my own space when I actually want to go to sleep."_

"_Yeah. Yeah, me too. I don't get how people can do that."_

"_I suppose the people who do it are in love or something."_

_We both paused and then said in unison, "Whatever that means."_

_Sirius didn't speak for a while. I could feel his nose gently touching the skin of my neck._

"_Holly?"_

"_Mm?"_

_Another long silence. "How long do you think you could lie like this?"_

_I shrugged slightly, which was considerable movement due to his arms being around me and stuff. "I dunno. I'm pretty good at snoozing, so maybe half an hour or so. However long you want to, really."_

"_Are you sleepy?"_

"_Meh. Are you?"_

_He was quiet for a bit. Then he mumbled, "Just tell me when you want me to let go of you, OK?"_

After about an hour we mutually agreed to stop spooning and try to get some sleep.

That was Tuesday night. And on Wednesday night (OK, so it was _technically_ Thursday morning), we fell asleep in each other's arms and woke up in each other's arms.

* * *

><p>The first thing he said to me the next morning was not until breakfast, after he had returned to his Common Room to wash and change his clothes.<p>

He came down to the Great Hall wearing a black shirt and a bow-tie. (It was like, was he _trying_ to torture me?)

And he said,

"Holly, would you do me a favour?"

I looked at him. His face was pretty serious. "Depends what it is." Sirius raised his eyebrows and I grinned. "Yes, I will."

"Would you tell me my future?"

I stared at him with my fork halfway to my mouth. "What?"

Sirius rubbed his neck nonchalantly. "Well. I mean, do you still need to study for Divination?"

"I _always_ still need to study for _everything_," I replied.

Sirius shrugged. "Well, I was just thinking that we could have another muck about with the crystal ball and stuff. We've got no plans for today."

I chewed my lip and watched him as he scratched his chin and then became very interested in his tea. The way he said it, it sounded like he was offering to help me study. But that was highly improbable. "How is it a favour?" I asked slyly.

He shrugged again and met my eyes briefly before looking away. "You told James's future as a favour."

"Yeah, but James had a specific thing he wanted to find out. What's got you interested in your future all of a sudden?"

"I'm not," he retorted. "I mean, I've always been interested in that. The way you do it. Why do I need a reason? Maybe I'd just like to know."

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Then it's a good thing I'm a dog, eh?"

I still felt there was something more to it than that. And the last thing I wanted to do was to get my hopes up, but what if I looked into the crystal ball and saw Sirius's future …

Would I be in his future?

Like, as his friend … or more than that …?

And I couldn't help thinking …

_Was he wondering the same?_

The dense mist was the multitude of jumbled thoughts in my distressed head. The only way to See past it was to dive in and combat the uncertainties one by one. The uncertainties in my mind, uncertainties of the future, they were one and the same. There's a strange sort of calmness associated with realisation. With everything I knew now, nothing had changed. I liked Sirius but it didn't make any difference. Because Sirius …

Because … I had no way of knowing what was going on in Sirius's head. And I was happy not knowing. There was no way of knowing. It was better not knowing.

But that wasn't true. The truth was, I was scared of the truth. I was scared of the future. And I needed to ignore the fear and be open with Sirius. So that he could be open with me too.

And in accepting that, the mist finally began to clear.

There we were again in the wedding photo, to the side of the happy couple, laughing gaily at some joke that I wouldn't hear for some number of years. And then we were dancing the dance I had promised him back at Slughorn's party. Sirius looked more like a man and I more like a lady, though it couldn't have been more than five years in the future by the looks of it.

We looked just like old friends.

If Seeing didn't require such a state of intense relaxation I would have been secretly looking out for hidden clues; a ring on a finger (even if neither of us believed in marriage), or the way we moved together, or maybe the way we smiled at each other or something. But to be honest, it would have been almost impossible to determine even if I could have examined it obsessively. James was right, we were just so close. We could have been either one or the other; a couple, or just really, _really_ good friends.

Then the scene shifted and we were in a room I didn't recognise. Sirius's hair had flecks of grey around his temples and I got a thrill of hope at the vision of us out-living ourselves. That could be another milestone we'd know we could survive until.

When I told him, the present-day Sirius of 1978 clamped his hands to the sides of his head. "I'm _grey_? Oh good God, have mercy!"

We were back in the Divination room which we rediscovered, exactly the same as when we had used it to find out James and Lily's future. Well, this time there were only two armchairs and the coffee table had disappeared for some reason. It made no sense, but we weren't in the mood to question it, really. We sat facing each other on the floor with our backs against the chairs.

"You're not – Oooooh!" I had just Seen some more of the picture, the floor of the room was covered in old sheets and Sirius was halfway up a ladder, a roller in his hands. He looked like he was talking loudly, and I was laughing on the floor with a paintbrush in hand and white streaks all over baggy t-shirt that was probably old in that time-frame but which I didn't even own yet.

"We're painting!" I said, distractedly looking up from the crystal ball.

Sirius stared at me. "Painting."

"Yeah, and you're not going grey," I explained, though feeling slightly disappointed that I still had yet to See a future 'us' that looked anywhere near older than twenty-something. "You just have paint in your hair."

"Painting?" he repeated.

"Yeah. Why are you confused?"

Sirius shook his head. "Like, painting pictures? Because, Holly, you have yet to see the extent of my artistic talents. Or lack thereof."

"No, painting the walls!"

"Painting the _walls_? _What_?"

"What? Like interior deco!"

"Why would we do that? Haven't you ever heard of wallpaper?"

"But painting is so much more fun!"

Sirius did not look very convinced.

"I don't recognise the place," I said, drawing the conversation back into something remotely significant.

Sirius chewed his tongue. "Is it … kind of small, with a bookcase in the corner, and a hole in the wall that shows off the kitchen, and two doors on the wall opposite?"

I narrowed my eyes and nodded slightly.

Sirius swallowed. "Yeah, that's my flat."

"I guess I'm helping you decorate," I said cautiously.

Sirius met my eyes for a minute or so. "Or … Holly," he began carefully. His next words tumbled out in a rush. "Willyoumoveinwithme?"

I blinked and said quietly, "I didn't quite catch that."

Sirius took a deep breath. "Holly. Will you move in with me?"

I blenched and spluttered. "Sirius, I was honestly going to presume-!"

He shook his head violently. "No, why should you presume that?" He got up excitedly on his knees to edge closer to me on the floor. "It's a fantastic idea!"

"It's a mental idea!" I yelled.

"Maybe, but it's brilliant. Inspired!" Sirius proclaimed and I began to laugh out of pure OH MY GOD SIRIUS HAD LOST HIS MIND-edness. Sirius laughed along. "You don't want to live with your mother, do you?"

My eyes widened and Sirius's grin grew to ecstatic proportions.

"And I don't want to be on my own," he continued. "And we practically live together in school anyway, so we know we won't get sick of being together all of the time."

"Sirius," I said seriously. He met my eyes, and his lips twisted into a tiny smile. "Do you really want to live with me, or do you just not want to live on your own?" Sirius drew back and wrinkled his brow at me. I didn't care. I needed to know if I was only of use to Sirius as a back-up friend. "I know that James has Lily now and you don't know how to replace him. But I can't be your James. What about Remus, or Peter?"

To my surprise, Sirius burst out laughing. "You're such a blithering little idiot!" he told me. "I don't want you to be James. And I'm not asking any of them to live with me. I'm asking _you_."

I was a little speechless, and the next thing that came to me was a feeble, "Sirius … I don't have enough money to move out."

Sirius scoffed. "I'm sure I have enough money to keep the two of us going! And if not, I'll get a job! And you know I'm serious when I talk about giving up my sacred unemployment just so I can live with you."

"You're serious," I said.

"I'm Sirius," he corrected. "So what will your answer be, anyway?"

"I – I just-" I stuttered, completely at a loss. And it was terrifying that I could think of no good reason _not_ to do it. Sirius raised his eyebrows and smirked, knowing he already had me won over. I threw myself at him and hugged him around the middle. "This is so exciting!"

Sirius laughed as we fell back on the floor. "So, I've been thinking about doing a paint job on the old walls, yeah?"

We laughed together, and then I decided that being open with Sirius could wait.

There was something about the room, some weird mysterious quality that made things seem clear and simple. We still hadn't figured out what it was all about, though. Why did it show itself only to us, and why was it equipped especially for our needs?

But we just knew this room could be anything we wanted it to be. And inside it, we felt like we could be anything we wanted to be, too.

Anything could happen.

I dealt the tarot cards and then we each lay our hands on two cards and flipped them over.

Cold, Heat, Moisture, Dryness.

Sirius leaned over and stared at them for a moment. "Same cards as last time."

"How do you remember that?" I asked him.

He met my eyes. "Maybe it's important to me."

I steadied my breathing as we studied each other. "So … our future hasn't changed?"

Sirius pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Ah, that's a big question. Can the future be changed at all?"

"Ah, or is the future predetermined?"

"Do we even have any free will?"

We grinned at each other. God, I loved us.

Sirius then stopped and focussed on the cards again. "You know, I think we made a huge mistake before."

"Hm, how's that?"

"Well …" he said slowly, throwing me a fleeting glance. He pointed at the cards above and below the question card which was still unturned. "Before, we thought that these two cards represented us. I was the hasty boy of Moisture and you were the excess and solitude of Dryness."

Sirius sat up and leaned across the floor to pick up the three leftover cards that hadn't been dealt. He flicked one from his hand and scrutinised the remaining two.

"But we aren't Moisture and Dryness at all. We're Earth and Fire."

He turned the cards over in his hands to display them to me. The Fire card was painted red with a dragon; Strength – Unity – Loyalty. Earth was a bull of soft browns and yellows; Admiration – Wealth – Earthiness.

"Gryffindor – Hufflepuff," he said. "Me and you."

I looked from the cards to his face and back again, but for once my mind wasn't on the exact same track as his. Because I was thinking about Amortentia, the dreaded smells of infatuation.

Sirius smelled the earth after summer rain and I smelled fire_._

_Earth and Fire._

I inhaled and exhaled deeply. And I don't know why, but I felt slightly irked that that stupid bloody love potion was making me jump to conclusions. Did we _really_ not have free will at all? I felt like it was somehow tricking us into falling for each other.

I didn't say anything about these thoughts because it was most definitely something I needed to review in my mind before I went blurting out about.

So I just said, "But then why didn't those cards get dealt?"

Sirius frowned. "One: _We're not involved in each other's futures_. Which is bullshit, to be honest. You might as well go on to say we're not involved in our own futures. Or two: _there's simply more to it._ We're not looking at the bigger picture."

He nodded as if agreeing with himself. I watched him, wondering how the hell he came up with that kind of stuff.

Sirius reached over and flipped the question card. Sure enough, it was Air.

"Our card," he said with a grin.

I smiled. "Wait, why do we have our own card?"

Sirius glanced up, furrowing his brow with audacity. "Well, because it slipped right between our fingers up on the Astronomy Tower before Christmas. I find that to be extremely meaningful. Also, it happens to be very symbolic of _us_. The question of _us_."

He looked at me and I had no idea what he was talking about at all. I plucked the card from his hands.

A New Start – A New Arrival – A New Idea.

Sirius got up and moved around to sit close beside me, leaning against the seat of the armchair as I was doing. "That's our arrivals into each other's lives, I'd guess. The start of our friendship."

"But this isn't the past card, Sirius. It's the question."

He lowered his head and glanced up into my eyes. "A New Idea."

Just keep breathing Holly …

"But," I continued hastily, flipping the card upside-down, "It came up this-a-ways."

"And what kind of conclusions would you draw from it?" Sirius spoke quietly, so that I had to strain my ears to hear him. I suppose I could have just moved closer to him, but if I did my heart might have stopped beating so I preferred not to risk that.

Young People – Delays – Indecision.

I blinked at the words for a while, but my mind was racing too fast to concentrate on random guesses of the card's meaning. And I didn't like drawing conclusions.

"I don't get why it's _us_," I said, stealing a quick glance at his eyes.

Sirius gave a sigh. He stole the Air Card back from me and held it in front of my face. "_We _are the young people," he explained slowly, in that tone that questioned my mental capacity.

"_Yes_," I said, mimicking the voice with a brief scowl, "But why are we delayed and/or indecisive?"

Sirius swallowed slightly and threw the card away. He quickly rested his elbow against the seat of the chair behind us and turned his body to face me fully. "I don't know, Holly. Don't you ever feel like there's something right in front of your face and you've just been ignoring it?"

My heart began to beat faster. I wet my lips as his eyes flitted between both of mine. He furrowed his brow anxiously.

"It's crazy how different we are as people yet how similarly our minds work," Sirius observed casually. "For me, I think I've been _indecisive_ over what's been going on in my head because I had no idea what it actually meant and I'm just thick in general. And you've been _delaying_ the time where you had to come to terms with what's been going on in your head. Because you knew exactly what it meant but you were scared."

His face was close to mine. His eyelashes were _really_ long.

He sucked his cheeks in and inhaled. "Well, maybe I am hasty. But I've decided that I won't let this go on any longer."

I stared at him, by brow tensed in confusion, and in a moment he touched my face, his pale fingers glimpsing over my skin and inching towards my hair. My eyes widened. Sirius gave the tiniest of smirks, crinkling his eyes as he met my gaze. Then his hand raised my chin slightly and he began to lean in.

I was completely and utterly dumbstruck as I saw his eyes close, and I had forgotten how to breathe as my eyelids threatened to drop.

But just before our lips touched my senses came back to me and I jumped back in panic. Sirius drew away hastily, his hand dropping from my face. We stared at each other with wild eyes for a second, our chests heaving. Then Sirius dropped his eyes to the floor and his hand flew to his head.

"Oh shit," he breathed.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded.

Sirius inhaled shakily and stared at me and said nothing.

"OK, look," I said hastily, "I know it's great that we're best friends, and we can do stuff that generally means something without it meaning anything at all. But we can't keep kissing for these random reasons! What is it this time, anyway? Do you need to transfer some of your Timelord DNA onto my lips so as to confuse the Daleks when they search the space ship for you?" (I swear I should be writing episodes for Doctor Who.) Sirius's face was blank and contorted at the same time. And he still remained silent. "I know it's not real, OK? But I'm still pretty sure this sort of violates the whole _friendship_ thing!"

Sirius blew the air out of his cheeks and said, "Holly, I cant keep kissing you for these random reasons."

I stopped. "Yes, OK, that's what I'm trying to say."

He shook his head and met my eyes painfully. "No. No, you don't seem to understand. I can't keep kissing you for no reason. Because … I want to kiss you."

"What?" I blurted immediately, before the words had even made their way through into my brain tissues. When they did, it was like my mind went into overload. That combination of words was just not possible. Highly improbable, as a matter of fact.

Sirius said he wanted to kiss me .

Sirius wanted to kiss me.

No. You see, it just didn't make sense!

"No," was the next thing that came out of my mouth.

"Yes," said Sirius. "I do."

"No you don't."

"Yeah I do!"

I opened my mouth to deny him again but he cut across me with a humourless laugh.

"Holly, I'm sorry, but are you in my head right now?" he asked sarcastically. "You know I wouldn't be saying this unless I was absolutely sure! And Merlin, I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

"No," I repeated for the final time. I shook my head. "I get it, Sirius. So we kind of snogged a bit yesterday, and I know you haven't done a lot of that before. And kissing is enjoyable, you know, so I understand that you might want to do some more of it! But you can't kiss _me_, Sirius, you just can't."

Sirius laughed again and grabbed my arms. "It's not the kissing, all right Holly? It's the _you_."

"What," I choked.

Sirius pressed his hand to his forehead. "Oh God. You're taking this even worse than I expected."

"_What_?" I exclaimed. "You _can't_, Sirius!"

"Why can't I?" he asked reproachfully.

"Because! I don't know! You're letting James get to you!"

"James isn't here, Holly!" he yelled. "Maybe you didn't notice when I chose to stay back for you!"

"You are, though," I argued, raising my voice too and hitting his chest.

Sirius and I both seemed to realise the same thing all at once. And I had no idea why I was reacting like this. I simply didn't believe that any of this was truly happening."Are you seriously _angry_ at me right now?" he asked. For some mental reason, he was actually grinning.

"Maybe I am!" I answered hotly. "Sirius, when the time comes for you to be ready to go out with someone, you can have _anyone_ you like. Honestly. It doesn't have to be me. You don't have to settle for me!"

Sirius stopped. He drew away from me and his face crossed. "You think I'm settling for you?" he asked doubtfully.

"You are," I muttered.

He closed his eyes and screwed his face up. After a moment he shook his head and met my eyes seriously. "If I were settling for you, that would mean I only think of you as a friend. Is that right?"

I frowned and gave a small nod.

Sirius shook his head again. "Well, I don't, Holly. I don't think of you as a friend. You mean so much more to me than that. James is my friend. Remus and Pete are my friends. But I don't think about them the way I think about you. And it's not just because you're the only girl I've ever been friends with. And it's not just because you happen to be _kind of_ extremely good looking. It's because you're _you_."

He sighed and his eyes ran all over my face.

"You know? It's the way you don't know the colour of your own hair," he laughed. "It's the way you skip a little when you walk. The way you write certain words slantways for emphasis in your diary. It's the fact that you never ask me to tell you what's wrong but I always end up spilling my guts to you anyway. It's the way I always know you've already forgiven me before I even get the chance to apologise. It's that you can find me attractive but not be attracted to me. And it's so ridiculously obvious now. My stomach literally flips when you say my name. And I find myself wanting to bring you up in random conversations with other people. And I actually go to the trouble of wearing a bow-tie because I know you think they're cute! And I want to spend every second of my day with you, everyday. I never think of anything else but you. And I have never felt like this before in my life and it took me so long to cop on, but now I know."

He took a deep breath. "Because you know what I was thinking yesterday when we kissed? … I was thinking about some lucky bloke who would get to do that _all_ the _time._ And then I thought about you finding someone else, and leaving me and getting married and being happy … And I just can't stand that thought, Holly, I really can't. And it's not just because I'm lonely. And it's not because I don't want you to leave me behind like the rest of them did. It's not because I'm settling.

"It's because you will never find anyone who is made for you the way we are made for each other," he said carefully. He smiled and laughed ironically. "And I don't even believe all that destiny crap, but I don't care because it's true for _us,_ at least. I'm not the type to need romance enough to settle, Holly. And I'm not the type to make a cheesy proclamation of my feelings and using about a thousand clichés in one rant, but here I am anyway. I am so crazy about you. It's the fact that the first time you've ever been angry with me is when I'm trying to tell you that I love you!"

I blinked. Sirius's mouth fell open in surprise as the words he said hung in the air for a long moment.

Sirius swallowed and averted his eyes. "Yeah … I – I don't know what love means. I thought it was just a word I'd never be able to define. But …" He met my gaze again. "I want to be with you for as long as we're still _us_. And if that's what love means, then fuck it, Holly. I'm completely in love with you."

I spluttered a little, wanting to speak but with no idea what to say at all. Noises came out of my mouth with each hard breath but other than that I was lost for words.

Sirius gave a small, pained smile. "You're fucking killing me, Holly. Please just break it to me bluntly. You need to tell me what you're thinking. Right now."

Oh my God.

Oh my _God_.

This was real. This was really real. My heart was beating frantically against my chest. And it was time for me to be open. I needed to say something but I couldn't say anything. My brain had been blown like ten minutes ago and OH MY GOD.

And Sirius rubbed his temples and chuckled and said, "Holly, you have NO IDEA how hard this is to come out with, and I've just put myself completely at your mercy and you're just sitting there _gaping_ at me." He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. "So just say something, OK Holly? I don't care what. As long as it's the truth."

I opened and closed my mouth in surprise.

He shook his head and glowered at me. "OH MY GOD SAY SOMETHING!"

"I – _Sirius_ -" I choked. He met my eyes and tilted his head mockingly. I gulped in a big breath. "Sirius – I had a massive crush on that Little Magic Boy!"

I expelled the air from my lungs and watched him cock an eyebrow, his eyes locked with mine.

I sighed and bit my lip. "Ugh. I tried so hard not to fall for you."

Sirius went still. "You did?"

"Are you joking?" I asked with a laugh. "I had to physically stop my mind from thinking about you!"

Sirius frowned and looked over my face. "Why would you do that?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know, Sirius. Because I'm scared, all right! I'm scared of getting close to people, and I'm scared of getting hurt!"

"I'll never hurt you," he said, as his eyes dropped to my lips.

My heart must have been in my throat. "Not intentionally. I know."

He met my gaze again. "So … How did that work out for you?"

I swallowed. "What?"

"Not falling for me," he breathed.

"Oh … Yeah, I failed miserably."

He smiled a little. And when I laughed he began to grin. "So …" he said uncertainly. "What are you saying?"

I took a deep breath. Without a word, I reached out to touch his chest, placing my hand over his heart.

He glanced down at my hand and looked back at me from underneath his eyelashes.

I made to lean my lips towards his but he drew back and my heart stopped.

"How do I know you're not settling for me?" he asked, holding me at arms length.

I spluttered, and he smirked arrogantly. And God, I loved him so much.

I just shook my head and chuckled. "What, you want me to make a speech or something?"

He grinned. "I would actually love that."

Our faces were only inches apart. I grinned back at him.

"Where to begin?" I sighed, searching his face desperately. But before I could even think of how to explain the gargantuan feelings I had for him, a glint of mischief flashed across his face. And then Sirius swiftly grabbed my face to press our lips together in a brusque kiss.

I wanted to hear people burst out in applause or something.

My heartbeat was more than enough, come to think of it.

I screwed my eyes shut, inhaling deeply through my nose as every cell in my body seemed to scream out in pleasure, and happily returned the firm pressure of his soft lips on mine. His hands on each side of my face drew me in closer and harder, our lips crushed together in earnest because it was like I _needed_ him the way I needed bloody oxygen. And instead of doing anything normal, like pouncing on him and ripping off his clothes, including the bow-tie (which was something my subconscious was clearly dying to do) or simply shoving my tongue unceremoniously into his mouth, I simply put my hand over his and held it. Really romantic-like.

Oh, the irony.

Our lips lost contact after a moment as we gasped for air, and my eyes flew open to see his face up close. His straight nose, his black brows and lashes, his pale, flawless skin and hollowed cheeks. And he brushed his mouth against my cheek without opening his eyes, and to say that I _moaned_ a little sounds too dirty, but that's exactly what I did anyway. And he said breathlessly, with a smile in his voice, "I've decided I don't care. May I please just kiss you now?"

I laughed and touched his chest again. "Did you mean to say that _before_ we kissed just now?"

His eyes opened and met mine, and their grey storminess seemed to reflect exactly what I was feeling. This close I could see every flicker of hope, and fear, and disbelief that we could _kiss. _We could _touch_ each other. He had kissed me and I kissed him back. No pretending, no false expectations, just the two of us open and at each other's mercies. And it was terrifying and terrific and I wanted to look into those grey eyes forever. Because it was _Sirius._

I saw the grin in his eyes, and felt the breath of his chuckle on my face. "No no no. Act first, get permission late-" He barely finished his words before our lips crashed together again.

His arm extended to cross over my body as I leaned into him and attempted to drag myself as close to him as physically possible. My hands moved up his neck, and it felt so good just to feel his skin beneath my fingers, and he wrapped his arms around my body and held me.

Our lips parted again and our faces crossed, resuming the kiss with even more passion than before. He shuddered when I ran my hands through his smooth black hair, and then I opened my mouth. His breaths were coming short and fast. And then his hands were at my waist, then my back, then my hair and oh my God we were snogging …

I felt like it was going to be taken way from me any second, I really did. I was savouring every single touch, the sparks of chills and electricity that jolted through me whenever he touched my skin, or clenched his fingers up into my t-shirt, or squeezed my shoulders just a little bit tighter. And his mouth still didn't taste like Black Jacks nor did his clothes smell like fire. But I didn't give a flying fwooper. And after a while we calmed down a little and just enjoyed it without having to cling to it for dear life. It wasn't going to disappear.

We had all the privacy in the world. And we had the entire castle to ourselves for the rest of the week. And after that …

"Welcome to the rest of our lives," I whispered to him, linking my fingers around his neck. Sirius inhaled deeply, his chest pressing closer to mine and making me smile. And he grinned too, but I only saw it for a second because then he kissed me again. And now I could _feel_ his grin.

"I know we're only young and we'll never know it our futures are predetermined. But I will literally never let you go," he whispered hurriedly.

I kissed his cheek and hugged him. He kissed my neck and my shoulder and rested his head against me. I said, "Oh. I'm in love with you, too, by the way."

He drew back to meet my eyes as he grinned. "Yeah, I know. But it's not like I would have taken no for an answer, anyway."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, I would have kept talking until I won you over."

"You realise that I was won over as soon as the bow-tie was mentioned, right?"

"So while I was rambling on like an idiot for ten minutes, you were-?"

"Just trying to figure out how to tell you, yeah."

"You drive me crazy," Sirius said.

He kissed me again.

And we kissed for a while. A long while. Which was nice. Very nice. And then Sirius said, "You know, I think we do _far _too much talking."

In response, I kissed him again.

And you know, I think it was the moment I realised his hand was on my knee that it hit me. We really were all alone. And this room was our own secret, special room that was open only to us (because I'm going to forget that James ever knew about it). And the school was practically empty as it was.

The content, romantic kissing vanished and I was suddenly on my knees, raising myself up to lean my face downwards to snog him. And then he pulled me into his lap, which seemed to surprise him because he stopped and widened his eyes as he looked into mine. His hands stayed nervously on my waist, and his chest heaved in anticipation.

One thing I liked – in fact, _loved_ – about kissing Sirius was that every single little thing seemed new and crazy and exciting and amazing. Because, I guess, to him it was pretty new. The kissing part. The rest was still crazy and exciting and amazing to both of us.

So when I touched his face, my fingers running over his perfect jawline, he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine. I shifted to sit more comfortably in his lap and we shoved our lips together again forcefully. His hands wrapped around me as we pressed our bodies together, and I leaned against him as hard as I could. One of his hands left my thigh and he shifted backwards a little, and I realised that his hand had moved to the floor to support himself as I coaxed him into lying down so I could lie atop him.

While he was half-sitting half-lying, Sirius met my eyes and said, "I never thought kissing would be so incredible."

"This is what you're been missing out on for eighteen years," I said.

He shook his head. "No. It's you. It's just you."

My hands were in his hair again and he wrapped his arms around me tightly. I had never been good at kissing while lying down before. That sounds odd, but it's true. But this was easy. He had his knees raised slightly and mine were straddling either side of his hips.

"Remember that day?" I asked. "When James found us lying like this outside the Honeydukes passage?"

Sirius laughed. "Oh how times have changed!"

I laughed loudly and fell off him, so we could lie sideways and gaze romantically into each other's eyes. And I hated the fact that I was trying to joke about it but I _couldn't_, because there was no denying the fucking fact that I was actually enjoying the stupid bloody romance.

His head jerked up suddenly, looking past me at a coffee table near us. I turned over and reached for a small plate which had appeared there.

We sat up and looked down at the small square wrapper sitting innocently on the plate.

I felt myself blushing.

"What is this room trying to insinuate?" Sirius said loudly, picking up the rubber johnny and flinging it across the room. "Sickos …"

"OK, which one of us made that appear?" I laughed.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "You wouldn't need to ask if you knew you hadn't been thinking about it! To where exactly has your dirty mind been wandering, Holly?"

"Nowhere," I said, rather unconvincingly. "OK, so maybe it was both of us."

"Who said I was even thinking about sex?" he asked, sounding offended.

I simply placed my hand on his thigh as a response. He swallowed and stared at my hand, then glanced up to my face. "Fair point. Don't blame me for being a bloke, OK? I know the boundaries."

"We really need to stop talking so much," I replied quickly.

"I concur."

After another lengthy amount of snogging (fairly innocently, because we knew the boundaries), Sirius said, "Holy crap, this is actually happening."

"I know," I said, laughing at him.

Ten minutes later, I exclaimed, "Oh my GOD this is actually happening!"

"I _know_," he teased.

I chewed my lip. He dragged me back into his lap and I put my arms around his neck. "I feel like there's something we still need to talk about."

Sirius smiled distractedly as I twisted his hair in my fingers. "Oh, yeah. I'm sort of getting that too."

We sat thoughtfully for a few moments.

He sucked his cheeks in and tucked a curl behind my ear. He met my eyes sincerely. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"We've sort of violated the whole friendship thing, haven't we?"

"I wasn't that fond of the friendship anyway."

"Well, then there's no problem."

I grinned. And Sirius grinned.

We did a bit more snogging and then I stopped and said, "This is so weird."

Sirius drew back and looked into my face, wrinkling his eyebrows. "Good way or bad way?"

"Good way," I said, kissing his lips. "Always the good way, Sirius."

And even though we had no idea what the future had in store for us, I still couldn't help but believe it. It would always be the good way.

As long as we were still us, it _always_ would.

* * *

><p>AN.<p>

YES! xD

VTBHCJXNEIVNCVBRJKSX!

Oh my God. You must review. You absolutely must. Please please please just tell me what you think. I am so scared and excited … :)

And may I just say ...

FINALLY!

(Also, thank you.)

:P


	28. The Fears

**- Chapter Twenty-Eight -**

**The Fears**

I have to admit, there was a brief moment of time where I worried about how it would turn out. I thought of Schroedinger's cat, whereas Sirius was the one who thought of Narnia.

"I'm Digory," he said smugly. "He and Polly saw the enchanted bell and they had no idea what would happen if they rang it. But Digory knew that he just had to do it. I'm Digory, and I rang the bell."

"The writing warned them not to ring it or else a load of shit would happen!" I replied. "Digory was showing off and being an idiot."

"Aren't you glad I rang the bell?" he asked, meeting my eyes with a teasing glint.

I rolled my eyes, and rested my head on his shoulder. "I'm glad you rang the bell, Digory."

It was just the tiniest part of me that wondered how different we could act. There was something about being with your best friend, there was always the possibility that one of you would decide that you were better off as friends.

But it wasn't like that at all. It really was the most amazing thing. It was as if it had been like that all along. Because towards the end of our friendship, Sirius and I had been pretty affectionate. We basically acted exactly the same now, except with kissing and stuff. And we were in love, too, which was always a good start. I don't think many relationships start out with both partners being completely arse over tits in love with each other. But that's the way we were. We were never going to be like a regular couple.

And we did the same things we did as friends, sneaking around the castle and hanging out by the lake and stuffing our faces in the kitchens. But there was always going to be the way I could be happy just watching his face for hours, or the way we would lie in each other's arms on the fresh grass, or the way we'd slag each other off like we always did and then he'd oh-so naturally pull me into a kiss …

And the love was never over-the-top, which I loved. He was always sweet, but never sickeningly sweet if that makes sense. And we would be affectionate, but never too much of the PDA. And he was still my best friend.

It was the most incredible thing.

"I'm so sorry I freaked out at you."

Sirius barked with laughter and my head bobbed on his chest. "That was the thing we were supposed to talk about," he said.

"Yeah …" I said, smiling slightly. "I really am sorry."

"I knew you'd take it badly," he yawned, stretching his arms out. "Maybe not _quite_ so badly. That's why it took me so long to figure out how to tell you."

I froze. "_What_?" How long was so long? How long had I thought he was just my friend when he had been keeping his feelings for me all locked away?

"Calm down, I meant from the moment you kissed me until the next morning, when I declared my passionate undying love for you."

I thought about the moment outside my Common Room after the run-in with Filch and the fateful kiss, when Sirius brushed his lips ever so slightly against my cheek. So I could have kissed him then, and not have had to go through the torturous night of convincing myself he didn't feel the same? Would it have been as magical, as perfect? Would things have been so blatantly clear to us if it had happened any other way?

It didn't matter. It happened the way it did. And things were perfect, so I didn't _want_ it to have happened any differently.

"I knew you would freak, that's why I came back here and tried to figure out how to tell you. I guessed you wouldn't be able to say no if I managed to make a long enough speech. Flattery and all that."

I laughed loudly. "That's how different we are," I told him. "As soon as you realised it you needed to tell me as soon as you possibly could. Whereas when I realised it, I was pretty much planning to take it to my grave."

Sirius seemed to notice me thinking. "You always frown when you're thoughtful," he said, brushing his fingers along my jaw. "I used to think you frowned when you were on your own. I thought you were lonely. But you actually like being on your own a lot of the time, don't you? And you think a lot when you're alone. Hence the frowning. Other than that, you never stop smiling."

I grinned at him, screwing up my eyes like a child trying to smile for a photo but not really knowing how.

Sirius laughed and met my eyes and we smiled at each other. And I loved smiling at him up close, when I couldn't see his mouth but the joy was right there in his eyes.

And then he froze, and I blinked and spun my head around to see a small kid standing in the Gryffindor Common Room, at the bottom of the dormitory stairs.

He rubbed his eyes drearily and blinked over at us. I held my breath.

There was an awfully long few minutes where the three of us all stared at each other. And I could see the exact moment that the kid second-glanced at me and seemed to recognise that I was not a Gryffindor at all, but was lying there in the arms of Sirius Black and not in my proper Common Room.

Sirius just deepened his voice and rumbled, "Looks like you're dreamin', sonny-Jim."

The kid blinked at us for another moment and then squinted blearily around the room.

"Right …" he muttered, nodding, and turned around to trip back up the stairs.

I literally did not breath until the footsteps were gone.

Sirius burst out laughing and said, "Whoa, close one!"

"That's not funny!" I said. "We could get in serious trouble for this!"

"You mean _you_ could get in trouble. I've done nothing wrong!"

I pouted mock-seriously. "I'm not getting any more detention because of you, Sirius."

"Excuse me, neither of us would have gotten detention if you hadn't passed out after six shots of firewhiskey!"

I tried to glower at him but ended up grinning.

He blew out his cheeks and smiled. "It's fine, we'll just have to – Oh, right, we don't have the map any more." He frowned thoughtfully.

I wet my lips. "Maybe we should just go upstairs," I offered VERY INNOCENTLY. "To your dorm."

Sirius shook his head drastically. "Nah, sure it'll be fine! We'll just keep the cloak right here, OK? Nobody else is going to come along at this time, anyway."

"Sirius, I don't think you heard me," I said. He knit his eyebrows and met my eyes. I moved my hand up his chest to his shoulder. "I said, maybe we should just go upstairs to your dorm."

We locked eyes for a minute or two, and then Sirius was up and grabbing me by the hand to lead me up the spiral staircase.

My heartbeat was rapid as he burst through the door and strode into the room. I closed the door quietly behind me. I stood awkwardly for a moment before leaning against the wall, trying to be casual but, you know, I've never really mastered being cool.

Sirius crossed the room to one of the beds and picked up a picture frame on the bedside cabinet. I briefly caught a glimpse of messy black hair in snazzy dress robes and a ginger in a dark green dress, before he shoved it underneath the pillow.

"That's where it spends most of its time anyway," he explained quickly, when I gave him an odd look.

I smiled briefly and looked around.

"So this is my dorm," he said, glancing nervously at me.

"It's nice," I said. "Very Gryffindor."

Sirius grinned and looked around too, standing awkwardly with one hand on the bedposts.

"I like your posters," I said, smirking. A Muggle girl in a swimsuit and a motorbike were stuck to the walls behind the bed which I guessed was Sirius's. There was a book on the bedside cabinet.

"It's kind of a personal joke," he explained about the girl. "For my family."

"Good deco," I said knowledgeably.

For a minute, we stopped and stared at each other with wide eyes. And then Sirius crossed the room and put his hands on either side of my face and kissed me.

We were backed up against the wall. Sirius was dressed absolutely magnificently today; a deep blue shirt, black jeans and braces. (I was still finding it hard to believe that a boy who dressed so smartly could possibly be in love with _me, _who does not own a single pair of socks without holes.)

And I felt it was rather sad that his beautiful clothes would rather be seen on the dormitory floor.

I ran my fingers along the braces, using them to pull his body closer to mine as we kissed, and then my hands slinked up and pulled them over his shoulders. Sirius obliged and hastily tugged his arms out of the elastic bands, as I began speedily unbuttoning the shirt. His hands found their way to my back and I felt him untuck my t-shirt from my shorts as he kissed my neck, his fast breath warm and hot on my skin. And then the buttons were all undone and Sirius practically ripped the shirt off. The braces fell down and hung around his knees.

And I found my hands on his bare chest, his pale skin so cold and sending shivers down my spine. And his fingers were clenched at the bottom of my t-shirt, and I obliged by lifting my arms as he pulled it swiftly over my head.

We took a moment for breath and just sort of stared at each other. And strangely enough, I wasn't worrying about my rather unimpressive breast size or whether or not I looked fat or any of that shit. I thought that being with Sirius would be seriously depressing, because anyone sane would feel quite belittled beside the beauty that was Sirius Black. But almost the opposite was true in reality. I felt sort of good about my body, which doesn't happen all that often. Not that I think I'm ugly or anything, just not all that special.

But with Sirius's eyes on me now, I have to admit that I felt rather special.

Then we just hugged because we weren't exactly sure what else to do. And the only thing in my head was _skin, oh my God, skin._

And then it seemed we did know what to do, because jeans and shorts were on the floor and we were across the room, falling onto his bed.

In between kisses, Sirius was saying, "Holly … Holly, what are we doing?"

I stopped and looked at him, and glanced down at the two of us sitting on the edge of his bed in our underwear. A little nervously, I replied, "Er, I dunno. What do you think we're doing?"

He laughed breathily and groaned. "Oh, don't be a tease."

I laughed too. I met his eyes and brushed a piece of hair from his face. "Sirius, if I'm the one who suggested we come up here then I hardly think I can be called a tease."

After a while he said, "OK, I think we're on the same page here."

We fell back on the bed. And it felt so mental, feeling Sirius's hands on the bare skin of my waist and feeling our chests flattened together. And everything about him. But it was perfect, too, as well as completely mental.

Sirius opened his eyes and met mine. He exhaled sharply. "So, did you and Andy ever …"

"I … Bit of a weird moment to bring up my ex-boyfriend," I said, sitting up slightly.

"Sorry," he said quickly, as he hoisted himself up on his elbows. "I'm just …"

He swallowed slightly. After a moment I said, "Well, we didn't. I mean, I was only fifteen when I was with him. And we were only together like six months …"

Sirius surveyed me for a moment. And then he barked out a laugh. "We've only been together like … ten days." Then he stopped, and wrinkled his eyebrows. "Wait – Holly, may I be your boyfriend?"

_Boyfriend!_ What a strange word. Sirius was a boy, and he was already my friend. Somehow, it didn't seem a strong enough word for his role in my life. "Oh, why not!" I laughed. I sat up in his lap and put my hands on his shoulders. "And you know … we've been friends for ages so ten days is really _months_ if you think about it. And I'm older now, and more … well adjusted. Also, I love you. And I think-"

Sirius's eyes were flashing with amusement, and he gave a quiet shush before pressing his lips gently against mine.

As we lay back on the bed, and my fingers gently ran along the waistband of his pants, he shivered and stopped once more, saying, "Holly … Sorry, it's just … are you sure you want to do this?"

I pressed my lips together. "Sirius … do _you_ not want to?"

"Of course I want to!" he half-yelled. "I am a bloke, and not asexual or even aromantic at this stage, I should think." He looked at me cautiously, and grinned a little. "I just don't want to be the arsehole who rushes his _girlfriend_ into stuff …"

"Well," I said, "once again, I am the one who suggested this."

"And … you don't think we're rushing into it?"

I thought for a moment, frowning to myself. "Well, I think everyone's rushing into things these days." Sirius knit his brow. "You know," I said, "what with the war."

Sirius stared at me like I was completely barmy.

"What? It's the war mindset! James and Lily are getting married young, aren't they? I bet she just got knocked up and that's why. We never know how long we have! It could be a week, or a month, or a couple of years, but you just never know! And I think we could do with being a regular couple for once."

"In our case, we know we have more than a week," he teased.

"I'm just saying," I said, as I ran my fingers along his shoulder blades. And that's when I noticed that for all the perfection that was his face and his everything, that Sirius Black had acne. Acne on his back. He had backne. Not a lot, and it was hardly even noticeable, but it was definitely there. Just a few red spots. And in actuality, the fact that the only imperfection I could account him for was as trivial as a bit of backne, well it made him seem all the more perfect to me.

"I will love you forever," he told me. "As in, for the rest of our lives, and after that depending on whether or not there's anything there after we die. And even if it is just a couple of years, I'll _always_ love you. Forever."

"Forever," I agreed.

"Since when have you been thinking about the war?" he asked suspiciously.

"Since I've realised that you'll never fail to get roped up in this kind of trouble," I informed him. "And … well, you know. I've never had much that was worth holding onto before. And now I do."

Sirius looked at me, his eyes running over my face. And he would always be better than me at being open about feelings, and being sweet and adorable and giving romantic speeches and the likes. But now, what I had just said seemed to be better than any speech. Because at that moment Sirius grabbed me around the waist and kissed me, and then flipped me over onto the bed.

"Aren't you scared?" he asked breathlessly.

"Out of my bloody mind," I replied.

He smirked. "Well, that's good. Because so am I."

I kissed his lips and ran my hands through his hair. "Ignore the fear, not the feelings," I said.

"And … we really need to stop talking so much."

And so we did.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, as we lay contently in his bed in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, Sirius said, "I think I've figured it out."<p>

"Oh yeah?" I replied. "And what's that?"

Sirius tightened his arms around me, as I snuggled against him. "I would _gladly_ fall asleep like this. Because I'd actually rather stay awake and appreciate this moment, no matter how tired I am. I would still rather be awake with you than go to sleep. So if I were to keep holding you like this, not wanting to ever let you go, then eventually I might fall asleep. And that's how it's rather easy to fall asleep in each other's arms, when you're in love." He twisted his neck to meet my eyes, whispering a quick, "You're beautiful, you know."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Oh, stop trying to be a gentleman."

He laughed. "I do not _try_. I just am! And I love that my gentlemanliness exasperates you."

I grinned, and held onto him tighter. Then my arms went limp as a sudden thought hit me.

"What?" asked Sirius.

I gulped and met his eyes carefully. "James is going to _kill_ us."

We were quiet for a moment, and then we both fell about laughing.

* * *

><p>A couple of days later, the others came back from the Easter holidays. And we were just sitting out on the grass beside the lake, the sky ridiculously clear blue for April, when Sirius rejoined us after his Care of Magical Creatures lesson.<p>

He sat beside me and looked me seriously in the eyes. "I – er, there's something I forgot to tell you."

I sighed. "You mean, there's something you forgot to tell _them_?" I said, nodding my head towards the Marauders.

Sirius grinned a little sheepishly. "Yes. Yes that's exactly what I meant."

"You said you'd send a letter," I chastised him, pretending to be more annoyed than I was. Because I wasn't annoyed at all. And he knew it, but pretended as if he didn't.

"Holly, we've hardly left each other's side since last Wednesday. How did you think I could have possibly found the opportunity to write a letter that you did not directly witness yourself?" He stretched his arms out and leaned back against the ground. "I was thinking about it, I swear, but then I thought – you know, maybe it would be better to tell them in person! Together!"

"You just didn't want to have to do it yourself," I said, rolling my eyes.

"No I didn't" he sneered, shaking his head as his eyes dropped from my eyes to my lips and back. "But now's our chance anyway. You can go ahead and tell them any time you're ready."

I scoffed. "Your friends – your job, mate."

Sirius groaned. "You know, maybe we don't have to tell them at all. We could just … wait a while."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Sure I doubt they'd even notice!"

Sirius was laughing when he suddenly went still. Our eyes met and then we both slowly looked around to see James staring at us. The ultimate deer-caught-in-headlights expression on his face.

We were just sitting there, though. Well, I might have been slightly nestled into the nook between his outstretched arm and his body, and we may have been talking in hushed tones with our faces millimetres apart and eyeing each other in a way that was far beyond the limits of friendliness – but yeah, OK, he definitely knew something was up.

There was a silence between us for a moment, although Remus and Lily appeared to be having a conversation which was duly interrupted by James half-yelling, "You two are looking kinda cosy over there!"

All heads turned to stare at us as we froze in horror at being found out in one of the worst possible ways. This was not how it was supposed to happen at all. I had an incredible urge to burst out laughing.

"Oh, er, right," Sirius got out eventually. He glanced quickly at me and I just shot him a your-job-not-mine look. He gave me a quick scowl and looked back at James. "We … kind of forgot to mention …"

"Yeah?" James prompted. "Mention _what_ exactly, Padfoot?"

He knew. I knew he knew, but he just wanted Sirius to _say_ it. Out loud. But Sirius was taking his time, seemingly unable to find the words.

After a long time, James began to grin. "I KNEW IT!" he shouted, leaping to his feet. Lily jumped back, looking startled. James pointed at us. "I KNEW IT! Oh my Godric, I knew it! I'm a genius." He nudged Lily with his knee. "Didn't I tell ya? Didn't I tell you on the train, I said, 'Give them two weeks alone and they'll figure it out themselves. So stubborn, too bloody stubborn to believe me when I told them over and over and over! But leave them to their own devices and they'll figure it out. They'll figure it out.' And they did! THEY FIGURED IT OUT! Oh, and Padfoot," he added as an afterthought, "Can't believe you didn't even write me. That's unforgivable, mate."

"Sorry," said Sirius, trying not to grin.

"I'll forgive you this once," James nattered on as he sat back down and put his arms around Lily. "Because I am so incredibly _relieved_ that you're finally not asexual any more."

I snorted, and James suddenly froze and widened his eyes at me, as if it had just occurred to him that the request he had written in his letters to Sirius at the beginning of the holiday might have been violated. I attempted to look as innocent as possible and masked my laughter with a very inconspicuous coughing fit.

"I'm very happy for you two," Remus was saying, and he and Sirius shook hands mock-ceremoniously.

Peter clapped and said, "This is so fantastic!"

"Hang on," James said quickly, "You two didn't-"

"So, come on! Give us the details!" interrupted Lily, to my greatest gratitude. "How did it happen? Was it romantic?"

"Er …" began Sirius. He threw me a glance and I shrugged lazily.

"Yeah, actually, give us the scoop," agreed James. "Did you do what I did, and sweep her off her feet? Make such an insanely heartfelt declaration of true love that there was no way she could resist? What did you say, anyway? I bet it wasn't as good as mine."

Sirius just looked around for a moment. Then he was on his feet. "I'm … going to go get a drink!" he proclaimed, and then he turned on his heel and marched off towards the castle.

James blinked in shock.

"Is … he all right?" Lily asked me, her eyes wide.

I smiled. I couldn't help it. "Just uncomfortable," I told them. Then I got up and ran after Sirius.

I met him on the covered bridge. When I caught up to him, he stopped and began to laugh awkwardly. "Hey … come to join me?"

I nodded, laughing, and asked, "What happened to 'you can't just walk away from every uncomfortable situation, Holly, it doesn't work like that!' Eh?"

"Well, I guess I'm just spending too much time with you. You're rubbing off on me," he teased, throwing an arm around my shoulder.

"They don't need to know right now," I said, waving a hand dismissively. "So, a drink?"

"Sure," he agreed, and we began to walk back to the school.

And some people were staring at us in shock, but we hardly noticed them. The birds that once circled and circled and circled the lake were flying away ahead of us, heading off for home after finding whatever it was that they had been searching for. At the steps, Sirius met my eyes with a glint of mischief and stooped to kiss my cheek.

As he was pulling away he whispered lightly into my ear, "But I've decided that James can NEVER know I lost my virginity before he did."

* * *

><p><span>AN<span>:

I really have the best reviewers in the whole of fanfiction .net ! Honestly, where would I be without you all? The support and hysteria for the last chapter was MIND BLOWING. I literally can't thank you enough, every single one of you.

This is the last you'll hear from me :( TWO CHAPTERS TO GO but I'm gonna stay out of it so as not to ruin the … impact. But you can always PM me with questions or thoughts or I dunno … Story's ending :( Phew, it's gonna be pretty WOW, I think. I _hope_. Lots of people have already pointed out the big canon shadow of Harry Potter just hanging over us. Waiting to catch up with these poor kids. But I shan't say any more for now!

So, er … If anyone happens to read Hunger Games fics, that's the next project I'm embarking on as soon as this is over. First chapter already up. The Video Games. I don't want to advertise it here or anything (not _too_ much :D) but I think it's worth a look! It's rather hard getting used to a smaller fandom, and maybe it won't go anywhere but I'm hoping it will. It should promise to be as epic and deep and meaningful and beautiful and adorable as this one was, I think :) Another OC with thoughts bursting out of his (yes, _his_) head! But very different. Funny, too. I GREATLY APPRECIATE READERS! Anyway –

I really had the greatest time writing this story. And it means so much that this many people loved reading it as much as I loved creating it :)

Thank you. Just thank you so much for this fantastic opportunity. If it wasn't for all you alerters (and especially reviewers!) I never would have had the confidence to keep writing. And now I really never want to stop.

Thanks again,

Sudowoodo.

x


	29. Sirius's Chapter

**- Sirius's Chapter -**

_1981_

_(I don't know what date it is and to be perfectly honest I could not give a fuck.)_

_'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'_

_You know things are bad when I'm reading Charles Dickens and I have no idea what that story was even about. It was a tale of two cities. I literally could not tell you anything more._

_In my case it would be better as: It WAS the best of times. And now it IS the worst of times._

_It's like the whole of time has just been squeezed together into one long bad day. And it's truly the worst day of my life._

_I wish you were here to tell me that it's going to end._

_But you're not._

_If you were, the day wouldn't be bad._

_That's the whole point._

…

_I remember telling you once about my reading habits. I told you that I read like a maniac whenever I'm feeling really good, or really bad. But not when I'm really really good, or really really bad._

_I think of it as a scale from one to five. Three is content. (That contentment that you felt the majority of the time before us. You lived with it. You were neither happy nor sad. That's three.)_

_Maybe I'll just sketch it out for you._

_1 – Really bad_

_2 – Bad_

_3 – Fairly content_

_4 – Good_

_5 – Really good_

_So, an example of (1) might be how I felt living in my family's house. Just before I moved out, it was definitely a one. I was too pissed off all the time to read, and when I tried to read I just couldn't see the words. The only time I ever held a book in my hands was to throw it across the room._

_(5) could be some of the times with the Marauders. Maybe at the beginning of our final year at Hogwarts. I had so many plans for us, so I felt around a five before all the other stuff happened like swots spending all day in the library and someone getting a girlfriend and the fact that we never ended up having much of a Marauding-old-time._

_(By the way, is Marauding a word?)_

_When it was five, I felt like I couldn't possibly take the time out to read. Things were too exciting, times were too happy to stop and waste the hours away._

_When you came along, Holly, I realised that my equation did not exactly work._

_Because, as it turned out, I didn't actually know what it felt like to be really really REALLY good. Or really really REALLY bad, for that matter. What I thought I knew about the limits of happiness were completely off. I was just ignorant, oblivious to the idea that things could ever possibly be better or worse than I had experienced up to that point in my life._

_That was obviously before I knew what it felt like to be in love._

_Therefore, I now realise that I must expand the parameters of the equation._

Infinity and zero …

… Heaven and hell.

_(For lack of a better metaphor.)_

_Infinity was simply that, infinitely good. I could not have possibly been happier. And I read like a maniac, because with infinity I was at my best. That was your doing, Holly. I mean, I don't want to undervalue my mates or anything, because I know I caught glimpses of infinity before we became us. In the more young and carefree days of Marauding perhaps. And even when you and I were just friends, I was that happy already. Because, looking back, being with you and being just friends with you weren't so different at all. The 'us' part was always right, but when we were together it was just a billion times better. But infinity times a number is infinity._

_(You taught me that.)_

_That goodness isn't even comparable with (5). Infinity is infinity._

_And zero is zero._

…

_It's actually funny that both the amendments to the equation are due to the new feelings I felt because of you. Actually, it's really not funny in any way whatsoever._

_Because … zero, for all intents and purposes, is the absence of infinity. _

_It's the absence of you._

_…_

_It was the best of times, it was the worst of times._

_So you see, at infinity I read. _

_And at zero I read._

_But at zero the words don't go in._

_And it's not like at (5), when I read the words over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and … and they just don't go in and then I get frustrated and see red and I throw the book at the bedroom door._

_At zero, I sit down and read the words and flick the pages and make my way all the way to the end. And then I look back and I see nothing. And it's not like I'm too distracted being angry or upset. I'm trying desperately to make it a distraction. It's like I read it all but none of it matters and I forget the words as soon as they enter my head. None of it matters and I lose the point._

_Yet I continue to read._

_And now, I begin to write._

_I'm only writing because I remember I must have felt something close to zero that time that you went to the Hospital Wing. I needed someone to talk to, and found your diary for that. Now, I feel like I should probably talk to someone. But James and Lily are obviously in hiding, which of course means that I'm in hiding, too. Remus and Peter can hardly call in for many visits. Even if they did I don't know what I might say to them. Even when I got that letter from Lily, none of them knew anything about what happened. I'm guessing only me, Dumbledore, and a handful of Death Eaters knew about it._

_You used to write just to tell a story, but now I'm writing just to get out some of my feelings. Because in your own wise words, feelings shouldn't be bottled up._

_And … now I've lost what I wanted to say._

…

_You remember the morning after that first night during our Easter break, when you told me that my sex hair made me look like Sid Vicious? (Only I was infinity times more handsome, __obviously__.__) And then you told me about his girlfriend who had curly blonde hair and you said we could be the new Sid and Nancy. And later that year, Sid Vicious stabbed Nancy to death with a knife and then he died of a drug overdose. And we laughed and thought that it was so typical for all our predictions and superstitions to turn to bullshit._

_I don't really find it all that funny any more._

_And I've just been sitting here day after day, with all your crap in the flat that I have no idea what to do with. The tarot cards are still on the bedroom floor__, and the three bookcases we had to buy to fill with your books, and the goblets we nicked from the end-of-term feast, and your clothes in the armoire and make-up in the bathroom, and the shopping list on the fridge that says,_

Pizza and cider,

_and the telephone and the television and everything__, and a box full of diaries underneath the bed__ that I want to read so badly just to hear your voice and see your words but know I shouldn't because it'll kill me__. What the hell am I supposed to do? Because in the back of my mind I'm still thinking that you could walk in the door at any moment and it will be like you were never gone. Like you were never taken from me._

_But you were. And in my heart I know you can't come back. _

_Come to think of it, the pumpkin outside number 29's makes me think it must be near to Hallowe'en. And I think that it can't possibly have been three months already. But then all I think is about the Hallowe'ens we had together. We had our first one-on-one conversation on a Hallowe'en night, remember? You were freaking out about having a go at Lily. And I just remember thinking how much you must have cared, to do that for James when you didn't even realise he was your friend. And all I could think was how bloody impressive you seemed to me at that moment in time. And we ate freshly baked cookies. And I have no idea if that's why Amortentia smells that way to me, because I definitely wasn't in love with you at that point. But I suppose that was just something I'll always associate with you. Freshly baked cookies, and newspapers, and earth. And now I have to sit here on the couch with that stain from when you spilled the cup of apple juice, and stare at the half-finished self-portrait you were going to get back to after the meeting._

_And it makes me want to die._

_Because on 4 July 1981, you had to leave halfway through the Order meeting to see that publisher from Flourish and Blotts. And we took a photograph of the group just after you left but I didn't mind because I thought there would be other pictures. I thought there would be plenty of other opportunities._

_But I never saw you again._

_And I could say that I wish my last words to you were something special or meaningful. At least I didn't say something like, 'Don't forget to pick up some bread' or 'Don't let the book people rip you off' or 'We'll finish that jigsaw tonight, eh?'_

_My last words were literally,_

Good luck.

_Which I suppose works on a deeper level. But it mightn't go as far as,_

Good luck when the Death Eaters ambush you in Diagon Alley and kidnap you for torture of the whereabouts of your boyfriend who may or may not know the whereabouts of the Potters and -

…

_Fuck._

_And your last words to me were, _I love you_. Maybe I should wish that I got to say it back to you one last time, but I don't. Because you already knew that._

_I wish that I hadn't let you go. I wish that I had just gone with you. I wish that I could have kept you safer like I promised._

_But I can't wish for things, because those 'what if …?' questions are a waste of time, right? What if we had never accepted our feelings for each other? Would you have been safer that way? What if we hadn't joined the Order? Would they still have tracked us down, because of James and Lily? If I hadn't been his best friend, would we have ever been targeted? Was there any way we could have avoided it?_

_It's a waste of time. I can think of countless reasons that none of it matters. James was the reason that you and I became friends in the first place, so I wouldn't change that. The Order is bigger than any of us as individuals, so I'd never deny that. And if I never had you for even the short time I did, I would have been even more miserable than I am right now. So really, for my own selfish reasons, no matter what risks I put you at I still would not change the past._

_But. Still._

_And … I just keep thinking about that time, ages and ages ago, when we were still in school and you never liked talking about the war. But there was that one thing you said, that one thing that I will always remember and that will now haunt me forever._

_You said,_

I would literally rather die than be tortured.

_You were telling me that you didn't have a high capacity for pain, and that you would hate yourself forever if you gave in and told the information to the bad guys, and that you'd really just hate to give them the satisfaction of killing you themselves._

_You were laughing as you said it. But you were always laughing. And now it's all I can think about._

_The words ring around my head._

I'd really just hate to give them the satisfaction of killing me themselves.

_It's just - Why did you say _themselves? _Why didn't you say, I wouldn't want to give them the satisfaction of killing me. _

_The thing is, I think I might know what you were talking about. But would you really _…?__

_I mean, I know we talked about death a rather inordinate amount. And we spoke so calmly of it. It didn't seem to scare either of us. It actually intrigued us, to a point. And I think of you, though I try not to, and you're there in their grasps, hurt and desperate and stubborn. There was nothing you had to give them, because I wasn't secret keeper any more and you wouldn't have told them anything even if you had the information. If you did, would I rather you tell them if it saved your life but endangered those of our closest friends? Shit, I can't keep thinking like this. I know you wouldn't have given in. But they're not going to stop even if you've got nothing to give. And you've got no hope of getting out of there alive. And you'd really rather die._

_And you'd really just hate to give them the satisfaction. _

_I can't believe I'm even thinking like this. It's so horrific, and yet I just don't know what else to do. You just disappeared without a trace and all I can do is wonder what happened. Try to put myself in your position._

_The most awful part is that either way, I know for a fact that you're already dead. I think I'd rather die on my own terms, too._

_But there's that other thing you said, that when you said it gave me an uncontrollable desire to always keep you safe. To keep you mine and only mine._

I've never had much that was worth holding onto before. And now I do.

_Funny, really, that when you finally found something worth living for it almost as quickly became something you would have to die for._

…

_You were always able to structure your diary so well, and I realise that I am failing quite terribly at that. Sorry. I'm just rambling at this stage._

_But Holly, I always thought I'd be there when your heart stopped beating. When your last breath was taken away. I tried not to think like that. I know that we always tried not to talk of forever. Stupid teenage romances don't last, right? Neither of us could stand the idea of trusting ourselves so completely when in years to come things might have broken down, times might have changed. But we always _did_ talk of forever. Because it wasn't a stupid teenage romance and it never was. But back then, when we said forever we meant the rest of our lives. Though, no offence, I did think we'd get more than three years no matter what limits the crystal ball seemed to give us. We only tried not to talk of forever because we didn't know what the future had in store for us. Because we didn't know what happens after we die._

_So where are you now? Are you anywhere at all? You have to be. Because the ones we love never_ truly_ leave us._

_Do they?_

I reason that in heaven

Somehow, it will be even,

Some new equation given;

But what of that?

_You always second-guessed yourself so readily. I thought it was incredible, and I still do. You were fully aware that you didn't have all the answers and that you could easily be wrong about anything. You told me you had no idea what would happen after we die. You said, that there was no way of knowing, really, but that it wouldn't stop you wondering. I can't be like that. I have to be sure of myself, or pretend to be at least. So I told you that I adamantly believed that there was something after death, though I had no idea what it might be. That's what I had been telling myself, too, and pretending to believe absolutely._

_I really had no idea at all. But now I'm certain of it, Holly. _

_ I will see you again. And w__e will have forever._

_I'm just waiting for my bad day to end._


	30. Fifteen Years Later

**Fifteen Years Later**

I was standing in a … well, I don't know what it was exactly. Or where it was exactly. It seemed spacious yet full. Homely, in a sense.

I was waiting, I suppose. So it must have been a waiting room.

There was a tug on the hem of my jeans and I looked down. The little girl had given up the scrutinisation of my trainers and was now holding her arms up to me. I picked her up even though I really had no idea how to hold a child. This must've been the first time I'd tried. But it was all right.

I tapped her gently and pointed across the way to a couple who were quietly chatting, contemplating the room. The woman saw us there and her face instantly broke into a smile. As she waved at us, the man immediately spun around and tripped over himself a little. He grinned when he met my eyes, and waved his arm in a wide arc. I laughed, and he laughed and nudged the woman. They both looked longingly at the little girl in my arms. They were happy for me, but I knew it must have been hard. James gave the little girl a cheerful wink and she chuckled and hid her face in my shoulder.

I could talk to them again later. For now we were waiting.

The girl peered up rather shyly and stared at James for a while. I knew she was watching his looks, his messy black hair that looked almost like her own. She was pretty quick. (She must have been a Hufflepuff.)

After a while she knew it wasn't quite right, and lost interest.

My eyes never strayed from a raised piece of the floor in the centre of the room; a dais on which stood a large stone arch with a fluttering white veil.

I felt the girl squirming in my arms, her tiny hands pushing against my head to look over my shoulder at someone else. I turned around and gave an involuntary inhalation of breath.

(Hang on, was that breath? How did that work here?)

I could see why the little girl was interested in him, with his long black hair and striking grey eyes and aristocratic good looks. It was almost right, but there were some obvious differences. His build was slighter, his stature more contrived, his looks of a less other-worldly sort of beauty. He wasn't perfect.

The girl dropped from my arms and skipped over to him, standing on her toes and extending her arms behind her as she viewed the tall man. He rubbed his neck a little worriedly, and glanced over at me. I gave him a small, awkward sort of smile, because I really just didn't know what else to do. He stopped and then nodded politely at me. The girl searched his face closely when he knelt down to pat her delicately on the head. Her long, soft black hair could have easily been his. I suppose it was, though not directly. But the girl's eyes were blue, not grey. And somehow she knew it wasn't quite right because after a short time she came back to stand beside me, reaching for my hand.

I took her hand just as a commotion was heard from the other side of the veil.

There were voices.

And then it happened quite quickly, all of a sudden. The single shadow beyond the veil slipped and fell through.

He staggered but regained his balance on our side, looking surprised. His hands rushed to his chest, to his soft, wavy black hair, and then ran down his gorgeous face. He spun around and cautiously eyed the veil for a moment, leaning back to peer at the shadows beyond the stone archway. He shook his hair out of his face again and stared at his hands.

He didn't look a day over twenty-one.

James was apparently bored of his friend's extended moment of realisation, because just then he rushed up and grabbed him into a great big bear hug. And I heard Sirius's laugh (God I had missed that bark of a laugh), and James was yelling at the top of his voice in his usual excitement. Lily stepped forward and Sirius hugged her, too, and I couldn't hear what they were saying but it didn't matter either. There was a lot to catch up on.

They continued chatting, and I was just wondering when James would stop hogging all the attention when the black-haired man from behind strode past me towards them. Maybe he was thinking the same thing. He tapped his brother lightly on the arm. Sirius looked around and blinked in surprise. There were quiet words. A handshake. Sirius grinned and let himself laugh, grasping Reggie's hand in both of his own. Then the latter walked away, nodding politely to me as he passed.

I could hear James shouting, "And I dropped my wand! What the bloody hell was I thinking?" And Sirius laughed, but then his smile flickered.

"But where's …?" he began, and then he turned around and saw me.

Suddenly, the room felt rather empty. I hardly even heard James's quick, "Er, that's OK, mate. We'll see you further on." Because Sirius's eyes had locked with mine and now he was jogging over to me, grinning like a maniac –

He pulled up short when the little girl strode out in front of him and blocked his path. She gazed all the way up at him, which was quite a distance really, with her hands on her hips. And he almost laughed, but then he stopped dead. He shook himself and got down on his hunches to take a better look at her. And I knew he was searching the blue eyes, the raven-coloured hair, the unmistakable Black good looks.

And the little girl frowned at him for a moment. Then she reached out to brush his hair through her pale fingers. And when he smiled at her, she scrunched up her eyes and grinned widely back. I was just laughing at how completely mental this whole thing was, when Sirius stood up abruptly, his attention back on me.

"I think you've got a bit of explaining to do," he said, the humour in his voice and in his eyes.

I began to laugh before I could even speak. "I thought it would be pretty self-explanatory," I got out.

Sirius, being simply amazing at everything, picked up the little girl in his arms like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Yeah … Your eyes, your smile, my everything else-"

"So unless I've had a bit of a fling with Reggie in your absence-"

"Is that even possible?" he asked, chuckling and meeting my eyes for a moment. "Here?"

"Haven't the foggiest!" I laughed.

Sirius contemplated the girl for a moment as she quietly listened to us and watched our faces with ever curious eyes. He sucked his cheeks thoughtfully. "The thing is, she shouldn't be … _couldn't_ be, what, even two years younger than Harry?" he observed, twisting around and nodding his head back in the direction of the veil. "Not even."

We both looked at the girl, and I knew nothing at all about children but my guess would be a maximum of four years old. _Four years_?

"Yeah, time is kind of weird here," I said with a shrug. "She just grows when she's ready, I think."

Sirius looked at me. For the first time he looked properly into my face. And it had been ages since those eyes had read my face like the pages of a book, since I could properly take in every detail. Perfect pale skin. Smouldering eyes. Dark black brows and long lashes. Straight nose and hollow cheeks. And we both seemed to feel it at the same time.

We had completely forgotten to greet each other.

"Terribly sorry, Little Lady," he stage-whispered to the girl as he plopped her down on the floor. "But you'll have to excuse me while I ravish your mother."

He grinned and held out his arms and I immediately flew into them, clinging hold for dear life (or death?) and kissing him. His face, his lips, his forehead and eyebrows and jawline and cheeks, and I don't know how time worked here but I had missed him. I had missed him like hell. And he picked me up and spun me around and we began to laugh uncontrollably. I couldn't stop, and I didn't want to either. When we did stop it must have been years later. Centuries, maybe. I pressed my face against his hard chest and inhaled his manly boyish scent, feeling a mixture of both ecstasy and melancholy that he hadn't changed at all. Sirius pressed his cheek to my head and squeezed my shoulders, and then he whispered, "I'll never let go this time. I really won't."

His voice shuddered and I realised that he was crying. Which only made the tears instantly begin welling up from my eyes as I pulled back to grin wetly at him. "You'll never have to. Not now."

He met my eyes and laughed a tiny pained chuckle. "I'm so sorry," he choked. "You know, that it took me so long to get here."

I grabbed a fistful of his shirt, trying to find his heart, and met his eyes, where the tears were clinging to his eyelashes. "Don't worry about that. Seriously, time goes strangely here. It didn't feel that long. You were the one …" My voice cracked and I couldn't bring myself to go on.

"In hell?" he offered with a wry smile. And then he began to laugh again, barking happily. "Yeah. I won't deny I had a pretty shit time after … I barely had a chance to mourn before James and Lily were gone, too – And then Azkaban – Ugh. And I just didn't know what to do, you know, I was just sitting there singing _The KKK Took My Baby Away_ and driving all the other blokes crazy." I laughed sadly. "You would have loved the new Ramones albums."

"I did," I said.

He wrinkled his eyes and cocked his head slightly. "You … were always there, weren't you."

"The ones we love never truly leave us, right?"

Sirius smiled and kissed my lips. Then, with his arms still wrapped around me, he spun around and pointed back towards the stone archway. "I think I might've avenged you out there, whaddya think? I'm hoping I managed to hit a few of the Death Eaters before I … er, _fell_." He shuddered slightly.

I frowned. "I don't think you could've avenged me, Sirius."

He nodded knowingly, and gravely met my eyes. "How did you do it?"

I swallowed. "Well, I knew they'd kill me whether or not I told them anything useful. I thought it would be better. I just let death come. If I had known I was pregnant, though … I just don't know."

I didn't know how any of this was even possible. But I was past asking questions.

He scanned my face and drew me back into a tight embrace. "You were so brave."

"Like a Gryffindor?"

"Like a Hufflepuff."

He grinned into my hair. "At least you got what you wanted. To die before you got old."

"I talk a lot of bullshit," I laughed. "But it was a nice death, you know? Nice and slow. A bit dragged out, but plenty of time to come to terms with it."

"I didn't feel a thing," he said, turning to stare back at the veil. "It was kind of a nice surprise."

We stood in silence for a moment, and then Sirius picked the little girl back up to join in with the hugging. And there we stood, a rather dysfunctional little family, but happy. Definitely happy.

"Will they be all right?" he asked, after who knows how long.

"Sure," I said. "They'll be joining us soon enough."

Our eyes met and we nodded. Sirius sighed and smiled at his daughter. "I just hope I'm a better father than I was godfather."

"You were a fucking fantastic godfather."

Sirius glowered at me, and loudly whispered, "No swearing in front of the child, Holly!"

"Sorry," I chuckled.

He shook his head and tutted, making the little girl laugh. He looked at her and rumpled her curly hair. "You don't talk much, do you?" She pouted a little and glared at him. He glanced briefly at me and then back at her. "So, do you have a name or what?" he asked her.

I froze, and locked eyes with the girl. Then we simultaneously shrugged.

Sirius ogled at me. "What, you didn't even _name_ her?"

"I don't know!" I defended. "I never really thought about it! I was waiting for you, I suppose."

Sirius made a tiny 'aw' sound, and bounced the girl in his arms. "Well, we'd better think of something now, eh?"

We went quiet for a while, the three of us frowning in thoughtful silence.

I cleared my throat nervously and said, "What about … Lyra?"

"Lyra?" repeated Sirius and the girl in unison. Then they shot each other reproachful glances that made me laugh out loud.

"Is that by any chance the name of a star, or constellation, or galaxy or anything?"

I scratched my head awkwardly. "… Maybe?"

Sirius sighed. "Too bad. I think it's absolutely perfect. What about you?" he asked the girl.

"My name is Lyra!" she shrieked, clapping her hands together.

"Well that settles it," laughed Sirius. "My family disowned me but it can't hurt to carry on their traditions."

"What's _your_ name?" Lyra asked him, poking him in the chest.

"I, my love, am the one and only Sirius Black."

Lyra glowered at him, seemingly unamused, and I snorted. And then she rounded on me. "Er, and I'm Holly Comstock."

Sirius and I exchanged a glance, and I said, "We can figure it out later."

"Later," agreed Sirius, waving his free hand dismissively. He looked around the room. "Where do you suppose we are, anyway?"

"Dunno," I replied, examining the place for the first time. Everything was very … white. "What d'you reckon?"

"You've been here longer."

"Yeah, but I never …" I froze and stared back at the archway, which now looked less like the way it did before. Now it appeared to be just part of the room, rather than the entire purpose of the room. Actually, it didn't feel at all like a room any more. We must have been outside. And the arch was just one of many which enclosed a small fountain in the middle of a large open area, closed off and surrounded by more arches and cloisters and roofs. It was all covered in pale ivy and felt rather familiar. "You know, it looks just like that courtyard!"

"The Clock Tower Courtyard?" Sirius guessed immediately.

"It is and all," I said, pointing across the way. "There's the covered bridge."

"We had our first kiss on that bridge," Sirius told Lyra, shooting her a sly wink. She wrinkled her nose.

"Hardly a kiss," I slagged him. "Our first fight, too."

Sirius looked around for a moment. He met my eyes, wrinkling his brow slightly as he said, "What do you suppose is beyond the bridge?"

I thought for a moment. "The grounds?" He raised his eyebrows at me. I faltered. "… I don't know."

"What do you say we find out?"

Sirius and I looked at each other and smiled. Then he placed Lyra gently on the ground and we all joined hands and began to make our way across the bridge, into the unknown.

Because all we knew at that moment was that we had only seen the waiting room so far, and everything else was yet to be discovered. The others were waiting for us, and more would be finding their way to this place pretty soon. Nobody got left behind any more, because now we would all be leading the way together. And I suppose you've guessed it by now. We were dead, right? But if you think that this crossing of the bridge is the beginning of the end of our story, then you are very wrong indeed.

It's just the end of the beginning.

And the rest of the story, I'm afraid, I cannot keep telling. Because that would take forever.


	31. Author's Note UPDATED

**NEW ANNOUNCEMENT! (Wow, I really can't keep away. I really can't, can I?)**

**Go to my profile for my fiction press details (though my pen name is the same as this one) please! xD**

**Where I am currently in the process of writing something based LOOSELY on this fic. Yes, that's right. I'd love you to read it. It's only in the thinking-it-out stage right now though. But still :) I understand the fandom thing, but if you really were interested then that's great! No pressure or anything :) And that's all ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Yes! That's right! It's me! It's this story! How lucky are you? Very! How awesome am I? Well, I'll let you be the judge of that!<strong>

**Yes, it's only an author's note, but if you were expecting some more Holly and Sirius lurve you shall not be disappointed. Now I shall draw your attention to my profile, where you will find ... THE PREQUEL-SEQUEL of the One's Left Behind! Or you could search it, it's called (get this!);**

**_The Little Magic Boy._**

**G'aww!_ ..._**

**Before you go off to read that in a hurry, I just gotta tell you how amazing a time I've had with this story. And you know what, I am in fact on the verge of writing a piece of ORIGINAL FICTION, possibly of the same name, definitely with some of the same character types and traits, probably with an eerily similar plot, but without the magic and all that. I mean, Fifty Shades of Grey did it. (OMG, I wrote that before ever reading about that book, and now I'm somewhere in between catatonic and going BWAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA! Anyway, point is, if Fifty Shades of Grey can do it then so can I. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.) And when you think about it, this story is only Harry Potter in that there's Hogwarts, there's four guys (arrogant, bookish, handsome, the other one), and ... like, that's _it. _I think I can write something that's the same but not completely a rip-off. You know?**

**Anyway, that's just one story I want to write. I've got a couple more if it goes downhill.**

**So there's that. I've written a bit more about that in the author's note for the prequel-sequel. I've also set up a twitter, like if you actually like my writing and think I should keep writing _fiction_ that's not _fanfiction. _That would be seriously awesome.**

**I guess ... that's all I'll say for now! I'm currently cleaning up The Ones Left Behind. I've done like ten chapters. Some stuff I just can't stand.**

**Now I relieve you of reading this! You now go! Go and read the prequel-sequel! It's short and basically nothing but it's just something I wanted to do! Go, and I'll see you there :)**

**'Til then,**

**Sudowoodo.**


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